Myth-Gotten Gains m-17

by Robert Lynn Asprin

  I groaned.

  It had taken some serious persuasion to get Kelsa's attention away from her fancy new surroundings before she came up with the name of the dimension where we could find Buirnie, the magik Flute' Elb. Then I had to make sure she was directing us toward the part of Elb where we could locate it. I considered this particular treasure a waste of time, from my point of view, since the Flute couldn't help me regain my magik, nor could it repay what was turning into a substantial debt. The sooner we could get him and get on to the next treasure, the better.

  I didn't worry whether the notoriously flaky Crystal Ball had given us a wrong steer. From the looks of things, the fourth member of the Hoard didn't bother trying to conceal his presence; in fact, just the opposite.

  Close to the center of town, we started seeing posters plastered to the side of buildings advertising a concert. "Buirnie! Playing All Week! Tickets from Three Silver Pieces! The Elb Arena!" At the bottom, superimposed over the image of an impressive building, was a hand-drawn illumination of a golden flute studded with gems and surrounded by a halo of light.

  "Guess we found him," I said.

  "Do you think he might be in the Arena now?" Tananda asked.

  "Oh, yes," Kelsa assured us. "He likes to warm up before playing. Loosens all his valves, he says. Sometimes I just tune in to him to listen. He's really very good…"

  "Why is that a surprise?" Asti asked. "Of course he's good! He's one of us!"

  "Why are you defending the noisemaker?" Ersatz asked. "You never cared about him before this."

  "You never tried to defend him yourself," Asti pointed out. "You always told him to shut up because his playing was making your metal bend."

  I tuned out the babble.

  Locating the Elb Arena was easy. Over the top of the shops and houses, I could see the cupola that had been pictured on the poster. I led us through the narrow alleyways and through streets crowded with donkey wagons and foot traffic.

  The Arena stood in the center of a square filled with museums, galleries and public sculpture, a hulk of a building constructed of greenish stone and decorated in a local style that approximated rococo but with extra flourishes. The entrance was an archway of fancifully twisted and carved stone depicting flowers, hairy nymphs, fish and birds, all gilded and painted as if there had been a special running on loud colors at the home-decorating store.

  Finding the back-stage door was easier yet. At the center of the rear wall was a smaller version of the grand entrance, nymphs and all, but in miniature.

  Trying to get through said back door was a different question.

  "Come on," I told the two heavily-armed Trolls lounging against the wall as if they were holding it up, "we're friends of the band. Buirnie will be ticked off if you don't tell him we have come to see him. We came all the way from another dimension to visit him."

  "Dey all say dat," the first Troll opined.

  "Take off," the second Troll said, not troubling to take a toothpick, the size of a belaying pin, out from between an incisor and a bicuspid.

  "Look," I said, leaning toward them confidentially. "We've come a long way to see Buirnie. We're not from this dimension."

  I nodded to Tananda, who took the disguise spell off. The Trolls stood upright.

  "See? We brought a few special guests with us. If you don't believe me, take the names in to the Flute, and see what he says. If he tells you to toss us out, then do it. What have you got to lose?"

  "Don't like to interrupt Mr. Buirnie," the first Troll said, letting his lower lip hang loose.

  But I could see that he was eying Tananda. A Trollop like her wouldn't be fooled by the dense act that the males of Trollia put on when they were in other dimensions. Her brother Chumley, a large, purple-furred Troll, concealed his intellectual qualities so he could get work as a bodyguard, under the nom de guerre Big Crunch. I figured these two were also pulling down decent salaries by concealing their IQ points.

  "Oh, come on," Tananda said, sidling in between them. She put an arm around each, running her hands up and down their furry backs. I know what kind of effect she has on other species; to her own kind that touch must be electrifying. The big lugs practically started purring. "One of you can just run inside and ask Buirnie if he'll see some old friends, can't you? For me?"

  The two Trolls eyed one another.

  "You go," the first Troll said.

  "No. Me like it here. You go."

  "I senior. You go."

  "Now, boys," Tananda said, keeping her personal magik going as her fingers flew along their spines. "We'll all go."

  Before we went inside, she restored the disguise spell. Just in time, too, because the theater was bustling. Backstage bosses in purple coveralls were yelling at the crews, who carried pieces of sets and rolled racks of costumes past us. Calypsa followed, her beak agape with astonishment. I brought up the rear, making sure no one followed us down the corridor.

  "I don't see how you are earning any part of your reward today, Aahz," Asti said. "You botched the negotiations. Your Trollop closed the deal, and neatly, I might add. Nothing to do with you at all!"

  "Shut up," I snarled. I had just been admiring Tanda's technique, and the goblet's remarks drained all the joy out of it like a hole in a wine keg. "We got in, didn't we? I don't care what works as long as something did. If she hadn't persuaded them, I would have found another way. I didn't have to. End of story."

  "Ah, well, you have an excuse for everything," Asti said, in a dismissive tone, as we passed through a felt-covered door. "I suppose you have to, with your lack of success."

  "What do you mean, my lack of success?" I bellowed.

  "Shh!" one of the Trolls hissed, distracted away from Tananda's ministrations. "Buirnie doesn't like nobody's loud noises but his own."

  "What's all the racket going on out there?" demanded a shrill voice that filled the short hallway. "I can't hear myself whistle!"

  The Trolls held open a set of double doors adorned with huge gold stars and escorted us through them. There was no doubt we were entering an audience chamber. The room was crowded with furniture and people, but I had no trouble picking out Buirnie himself. For one thing, he was the only gold flute in the room, arranged upon an emerald green velvet pillow, and for another, a spotlight shone down on him. The glare off his golden carapace was almost blinding. It cast everything else in shadow. I squinted and got a better look at him. Buirnie wasn't exactly a flute. He was in the flute family, but he was one of its smallest members. He was a fife.

  "Who's there?" he demanded. "Come on, who has come to visit Buirnie of the Golden Voice?"

  "Buirnie of the Colossal Ego, you mean," Asti said, in a long-suffering voice.

  "Asti? Asti, is that you? I thought I felt a disturbance in the Force. How the peep are you?"

  "And me, dear," Kelsa spoke up. "And Ersatz."

  Little round emeralds at the top of the Flute above the embouchure widened into large emeralds. "Well, this IS a surprise! I thought that the next time we all met would be one of the signs of the Final Apocalypse!"

  "Nothing that spectacular, I hope," Asti said.

  "Tell me all about it! I love surprises, especially when they aren't fatal ones!" Buirnie let out a high pitched chuckle.

  This was some kind of signal, because the Elbans in the room broke out into hysterical giggles. He let out a sharp whistle, and they stopped, all glancing at one another nervously. Hangers on. Sycophants.

  "Not fatal, you silly bird-call, but important."

  "Can we talk in private?" I said, trying to wrest control of the conversation back from the Cup.

  "Clear the way, folks, clear the way!" Buirnie exclaimed. "Make way for my oldest and dearest friends! And a few new ones," he said, eying Tananda, Calypsa and me warily. "Sit down, sit down. The rest of you come back when I whistle!"

  The Elban attendants hustled out, but the two Trolls remained. They stepped forward to flank the velvet pillow. When everyone else was gone, the emerald
s turned toward me.

  "So, the band is getting back together!" Buirnie said, with a jovial, easy attitude that I didn't buy for one minute. "You have a masterful air about you, big fellah. You tell me what's going on. To what do I owe the honor of this visit? Do I owe any of you money?" Buirnie broke into nervous laughter. The drum on the floor next to him rolled a rim shot. "Hey, thanks, Zildie!"

  "I'm just the brains of this operation, but the one I want you to listen to is the skinny girl back there." I aimed a thumb at the disguised Walt behind me. "Calypsa's got a story to tell you."

  "Sit down, lovely child," Buirnie said hospitably. She looked at me for clarification. I signed to her to sit down on the hassock beside the raised cushion. "Klik, widen the beam so it illuminates both of us, will you?"

  "Gotcha, boss!" A voice came from overhead. I glanced upward. The brilliant light which was focused upon the Flute hopped from one part of the ceiling to another, and the glare increased. "How's that?"

  "Great!" Buirnie said. "Calypsa, is it? You're a pretty little gal, aren't you? Will you have some wine?" He let out a sharp whistle, three brief blasts. A tall Elban female came rushing in with a tray, smiling shyly at us. "Now, what can Buirnie the Great do for you?"

  "Tell him your story," I said.

  Calypsa took a deep breath. "It all began ten years ago…"

  "How about some sweetmeats?" Buirnie hadn't listened to a word. He tootled a trill. Another Elban hurried behind her, pushing a wheeled tray. "These are the best cocoriddle waffles in the city. Or so I'm told. I don't eat them myself, of course."

  "No, thanks," I said. I turned both females around and hustled them back out, and locked the door behind them to prevent any more interruptions. I signed to Tananda. Our disguises dropped. The Fife's emerald eyes went wider than before.

  "You're not from around here, are you? A Trollop, a Walt and a Per…Pervect. Don't hurt me, please. I give pleasure to millions!"

  The Trolls stepped closer, folding their meaty arms across their chests.

  "We're not here to hurt you," I said. "We need your help. Okay, kid," I told Calypsa. "Talk."

  She tried. Buirnie was too nervous to be a good listener. He kept interrupting with offers of hospitality, comments on the weather, compliments to us, and musical interludes. In the end she got it all out.

  "So I appeal to you," she concluded, "honored Buirnie. Join me and help set my grandfather free of the terrible wizard's chains before the time runs out!"

  "What an awful situation! I can see why my brother and sister Hoarders are involved. And these fine people are helping you, too? That's very noble of them," the Flute said. "Not so noble," Asti burst out. "Rewards are involved."

  "That's not uncommon," Buirnie chided her. "They're only mortal, after all. No offense!" he added, as I rose from my seat with intent.

  "Let's get to the point," I said. "She needs the entire Golden Hoard, and that means you, too. What about it? We've got three more treasures to look up after you."

  The Fife turned to Calypsa. "Little gal, I feel for you. I know how much your grandfather means to you, but I really have too much to do to come on another quest at the moment."

  "Buirnie!" Ersatz chided him.

  "Ersatz, I am serious. You wouldn't kick loose from the middle of a war to go bounding off to another battle, would you?"

  "No…"

  "Then you will understand why I can't leave. I have obligations here. Very important ones."

  "Ones that make you feel important, you mean," Kelsa said.

  "Naturally, sweet thing!" Buirnie said.

  "But my grandfather's life is at stake here!" Calypsa said, wringing her hands together. "This is important."

  Buirnie let out a whistling sigh. "That, little lady, is what they all say. Sorry."

  "I'll do anything if you will come with me!"

  "Anything?" Buirnie asked, on a rising note of interest.

  "Within reason," I said, firmly. "You're not going to pull any funny business on this girl."

  "You bet. I would never ask this little lady to do anything that might make her uncomfortable. Let's make it a fair contest," Buirnie said, clearly not liking the expression on my face. "Well, then, I've got a proposition for you. I'm sponsoring a contest in which I am looking for the very best singer on Elb."

  "What's it called?" Calypsa asked eagerly.

  "It's called The Very Best Singer on Elb. I named it myself," Buirnie said proudly. "I host it every year, in several different dimensions. Maybe you've seen me on the crystal network?"

  "Oh, I have," Kelsa said. "The last one on Calliope who won, I thought she wasn't quite as good as the second place, though somehow the audience voted for her…"

  "Not now," I said, cutting her off. "We're talking business."

  "Oh, very well, but she wasn't as good!" Kelsa subsided, blinking at me from behind her glasses.

  "Nobody cares," I said, curtly. I turned back to the Flute. "What's this proposition?"

  "It's perfectly simple," Buirnie said. "I'll play you for my cooperation."

  "But that isn't fair," Calypsa said. "I am a dancer, not a singer."

  Buirnie shuddered. "Neither are most of the people who enter the contest. But, it's my challenge. If you really want my help, you'll rise to the occasion. Come up on stage with me tonight. If you enter the contest — and you win — I'll come with you now, and abandon my other obligations to help save your grandfather. What do you say?"

  What choice did we have?

  Buirnie had the Trolls escort us out of his dressing room and down under the stage into a huge chamber that had all the charm of the dungeon in Mernge. Its rough stone walls had been lined with mirrors and clothes racks where all the other contestants were getting ready for the contest. I had Tananda restore our disguises. I didn't want to scare the locals. Besides, Calypsa was so nervous that her feet did the flamenco all the way down the stairs.

  "I don't even speak the language!" Calypsa wailed. "How can I please such an audience? Woe to the House of Calypso, that it should be reduced to a singing contest to save itself!"

  "Since when did you ever have stage fright?" I asked her.

  "Fear not, child," Ersatz said, soothingly. "Be valiant and do your best. All will come out well."

  "Can you give her a potion to calm her down?" I asked Asti.

  "Oh, no artificial stimulants permitted!" Kelsa shrilled. "She would be disqualified."

  "Maybe that would be best," Tananda said. "She's too nervous to compete."

  "You stay here," I said to Tananda. "I'll scope out the competition."

  Buirnie was right' most of them weren't good. That was our best hope, that whatever peep Calypsa could let out in front of the audience would sound better than the rest of them.

  "Aaaahhh hohhhh! Ah hah hah hah! Ah hee hee hee hee hee!"

  I narrowed my eyes. That sounded suspiciously like opera, and pretty professional, too. I shoved through the crowd of wannabes looking for the source of the sound.

  At the very back of the big dressing room, a huge female Elban was warming up. Her voice was so loud it rang off the rafters and the stone walls. Most of the contestants near her had edged as far away as the crowd permitted. I grabbed a powder puff off the nearest dressing table, tore it in half, and shoved it into my ears. If the Elbans near me noticed a discrepancy between the apparent size of my ears and the amount of fluffy wool I could stuff into them, they were in too much misery to say so. Not that I would have cared; it was a matter of survival.

  The female, a bright pink like I was supposed to be, tipped me a wink, laid a delicate hand across her ample chest, and burst into song. My heart sank. Calypsa was right. We didn't have a chance. I went back to my companions to wait out the inevitable and work on a Plan B.

  Chapter 10

  THE EXCITEMENT IN the wings of the immense theater was palpable, but I knew we were fighting a hopeless cause. Tananda and I had helped Calypsa go over every song she knew to pick out one that would please t
he audience and the Flute, who had avoided all contact with us from the moment we'd been ushered out of his dressing room. It didn't help that the opera singer had been as good as she had sounded warming up, but even the bad singers were better than our candidate. The producer, a stout male with a pale coat, kept shushing us. I felt like tearing his head off, but that wouldn't have made Calypsa's singing any better. I don't think anything could have.

  "I don't know why we didn't just pick him up and bamf out when we had the chance," I grumbled, not for the first time.

  "It is fair for him to set such a contest," Ersatz said. "Why, I mind me of a time when I was rammed into a stone by a wizard, to seek him who should be king of the land."

  "Don't tell me — a twelve-year-old boy drew you."

  "Nay, of course not," Ersatz said. "It was a great lug of a man with all the brains of a slime-mold, but he had the muscle to overcome the objections of his peers. In the end he was no worse a king than anyone else might have been."

  "Shhh!"

  At that moment, Buirnie was out on stage with the ever-present spotlight, Klik, shining down on him, showing him off in the best possible light. Petite Elbans with aprons came out and polished him in between acts, dusting off minute motes. The Fife was fussier than any ten divas I had ever met. He certainly looked good in comparison with his hapless contestants. And sounded better. I had cotton stuffed in my ears to protect them, though it didn't block out all the noise.

  At intermission, I went out to get a drink — Crom knew I deserved one — and started sidling up to people in the bar and in the lobby. Since it was audience's choice who won, a little persuasion, threat or bribery might help our candidate to the finish line.

  "Vote for Calypsa," I told a big Elban with a white mustache in the middle of his light pink face. "She's the best."