"I see great promise in this child, and she will not be well served by such a frivolous tootler as yourself!"
"Frivolous! Who are you calling frivolous? Swords are like dress clothes — you only need them once in a while, then you stick them in the closet until the next time! Music is for every day!"
"That is why you must not waste her time, with your everyday pipings" Ersatz said severely. "Such a talent is not to be expended on trivia."
"Who do you think you are?" Ersatz asked, magnificent in his dudgeon. "I see promise in this girl, the likes of which I have not seen since the great Marisu! It should not be wasted on such nonsense as tootling!"
Buirnie wasn't going to let the matter drop. "Well, you got Marisu. You ought to let this child work with me! She's got a musical bent. She belongs with me."
"My goodness, Marisu! I haven't thought of her in years!" Kelsa said.
"Who's Marisu?" I asked.
"A protege of the greatest possible promise," Ersatz said with a sigh. "She might have accomplished anything, any goal she chose to strive for. I was sorely grieved to lose her."
Tananda's face softened. "What happened to her?"
"She got married to a handsome prince," Kelsa said.
"And lived happily ever after," Ersatz added, glumly.
"I suppose that is a tragedy if you're a war-sword," Tananda said, trying not to laugh.
"Ah, fair lady, you have no notion of how great a tragedy it is!" He glanced at Calypsa. "It would be an honor to teach you my craft, if you would care to learn."
"How about mine?" Buirnie asked. "Music is a lot closer to her natural talent than hacking and slashing!"
"Hold it right there," I said, getting between them. "What makes you think you have ANY authority over Calypsa at all?"
That stopped the two of them dead. They glared at one another, then Ersatz turned to me.
"Forgive me, Aahz," the Sword said, apologetically. "If I have stepped upon your purview. I did not realize you had taken her on as your protege."
"Well, how could you…WHAT?"
"I presume that, like my companions and me, you have discerned the depths of this youngling's talents," Ersatz said, his steel-blue eyes understanding. "I assume that your interruption of our discussion means that you have staked a claim. I would never seek to interfere with that, friend Aahz. If you wish to be her teacher, then I defer in your favor."
"NO! I don't need any more apprentices," I said, maybe a little more harshly than I intended. At the sound of my voice, the stage hands had all fled for the far end of the stage. I noticed that Calypsa looked a little hurt. Ersatz didn't take offense.
"All is well, then. If you don't mind, then I shall put myself forward as her instructor. I believe that it will benefit us all to have this child trained in the martial arts. What do you say, lass?"
"I…" The Walt hesitated. "I had not thought about it. I am concerned with my grandfather's safety."
"Then, think," Ersatz said, kindly. "You are wise. Any such engagement requires due thought."
I walked away. What was I thinking? I didn't feel the need to train anyone else, in magic or anything. My last apprentice had become a huge success, then walked away from it all. like any other teacher, I couldn't really take credit for all his accomplishments. I'd just recognized a talent and set him going on the path he was going to follow, with or without my help. He just progressed a lot farther and faster than he would have alone. Calypsa might need the same kind of steering. She had nerves, brains and talent, three attributes that would make an excellent student, regardless of her field of study. Skeeve wasn't the only person I had ever trained. So, why was I reluctant to put someone else in his place? Not that that had been my intention when I joined up with Tanda and Calypsa. I had never volunteered to teach the kid anything. My arrangement with her was strictly business.
It was a subject I really didn't feel like dealing with at the moment.
"We can talk about this on the road," I said, abruptly. "We have three more treasures to find. Let's get a move on."
"Wait a minute, wait just a minute!" the producer came waddling up to us. His feet looked sore, which was no surprise, since he had been doing a clog dance all by himself in a corner. "You can't leave! What about your contract?"
"What about it?" Buirnie asked, blithely. "The contest is over."
The hefty Elban fumbled with a clipboard, then thrust it at us. "Here's your print," he said, pointing to a round mark in ink on the bottom line. "You agreed to stay for an entire season!"
"The season's up, my good man," the Flute said. "Isn't that what it means when you run a contest and declare a winner? We have a winner!"
The manager eyed me uneasily. "But we…well, we hoped that the winner would be an Elban."
I shoved up to him. "Are you saying you're prejudiced against Pervects?"
"Well, no…but Buirnie, baby, you can't leave without saying goodbye to your fans! I could have ten thousand of them here by midnight! At ten gold pieces a ticket…I mean, it's the least you can do, leaving me with an empty theater for the rest of the year! I mean, how can I find another musician of your caliber with such short notice? I mean, it's late, baby! You're not going to start out on a quest at THIS hour, are you?"
The emeralds rolled toward me, then back to the manager, then over to Calypsa. "Well…one teeny little blowout of a farewell extravaganza wouldn't hurt, would it?"
"But what about my grandfather!" Calypsa protested.
"One more night in captivity won't be any worse than he's already suffered, little lady," Buirnie said smoothly. He started oozing gentle music that wove in and out of our consciousness. "How about it? It'll do you all some good to get a nice rest overnight here. I know how tired mortals get after dancing…"
"Do not pay attention to his blandishments," Ersatz said, his voice piercing the air. I rattled my head, shaking off the spell of the Flute's voice. "He only seeks to delay for his own ego's sake."
The producer and I exchanged glances. "Why not let him have a curtain call?" I asked, seeing a few dollar signs of my own in the offing. "You know the old saying. Always leave 'em wanting more."
The next morning, I was feeling refreshed. The Flute's fame was such that even though the going away party wasn't announced until evening, in two hours flat, the place was packed with fans, cheering, weeping, screaming. Buirnie played a medley of his greatest hits, music created in a few dozen dimensions over an equal number of centuries. I could see why the producer didn't want to let go of such a guaranteed moneymaker. I had taken him aside and negotiated a cut of the proceeds, based upon my forbearance in not removing his star from the premises the moment Buirnie had made his farewell announcement. The producer wasn't happy about it, but he coughed up. The small bulge the 'honorarium' made in my purse didn't come close to the output I had made already on Calypsa's behalf, but I didn't see any point in having an opportunity go by. The deal gave me something to enjoy in the party that followed.
The others didn't mind the delay. Kelsa had a ball, so to speak, telling fortunes all night in the corner. With several free hours ahead of her, Asti didn't waste a moment talking Buirnie into lending her his metal-work crew. She went in for the full treatment. Afterwards, I hardly recognized her. All the dents had been beaten out of her. Every inch of her had been polished to a blinding gleam. She was in such a good mood that she woke us all up before dawn and made espresso for everyone, laced with something that took care of the hangover I was nursing from drinking a case or two of the cheap red wine the caterers had supplied. A couple of the stage hands packed up what was left of the hors d'oeuvres from the canape tables for me. It was hardly enough for a Pervish-size snack, but it would do until I found somewhere to get elevenses. The Golden Hoard had been tucked into their cases. The only thing I needed now was directions.
"All right," I said, clapping my hands together. "Let's get this show on the road. Where are we going?" I asked Kelsa. "I am only going to ask that question one t
ime, and one time only, and that's because I am in such a good mood."
"No problem!" Kelsa assured me. "I will prognosticate… could you pipe down!"
This was addressed to Buirnie, who was carrying on about something or other. His entourage was fussing over him so much that I couldn't understand what he was saying.
"Well, at least let the little lady carry me. She can give Ersatz to one of the other two," Buirnie suggested.
"Unthinkable!" Ersatz roared.
"I will carry both of you," Calypsa said.
"But we cannot touch one another. I can't stand his emanations."
"I don't like your vibes, either," Buirnie said.
"Good," I said, with relief. "She can put one of you on each shoulder. Let's go."
The Flute let out a warning whistle.
"Not so fast! I can't go without my entourage."
"What?" I asked. "You're out of your mind!"
Buirnie looked indignant. "You're not seriously thinking that I am going with you tucked in your breast pocket like a fountain pen, do you? I have luggage! Do you have mules?"
"Nope." I was firm.
"A truck?"
"No."
"How about a wagon train? Eight carts ought to do it."
I folded my arms. "You get one bag for yourself. If you don't want to share it with anyone, then they'll have to come separately. Calypsa isn't going to carry anything but you."
"Oh, that's no problem," Buirnie said, his embouchure quirking into a smile. "Klik!"
Out of the rafters the light came sailing down toward us. "Zildie!"
The snare drum waddled over to us. I could see that it stood on three feet made of bent wire about half an inch in diameter.
"Let's see…Buffanda, where are you, darling?"
"Coming, Fifie!" a playful voice called from the wings. An animated polishing cloth flew out and curled itself around the Flute's skinny body. "The other girls are folding themselves. Give us a moment. Do you want the brushes, too?"
"Sure!" Buirnie said. "I need to look my best on the road!"
"You are not taking all that with you," Ersatz said.
"Why not?" Buirnie replied. "They're my buds. They help me stay inspired."
"This is not fit. You should be complete in and of yourself."
"Get with the current century, brother! Don't you ever feel like you want a cheering section? Pepping up?"
"Of course not," Ersatz said. "That would look foolish on the battlefield! Should you require 'pepping up,' as you call it, ought you not sing yourself a rousing air and raise your spirits in that fashion?"
"Nope. I prefer applause. There's just something in the sound of hands clapping that I can't resist. It just feels great."
"Dilettante."
"Bore." "Lightweight."
"Tone-deaf!"
"Loudmouth!"
"Unworthy impostor! The Harp had a far greater heart than you will ever have!"
"Oh, so that's it!" the Flute exclaimed. "You still think he should be here, not me! Well, brother, so sorry that I didn't tear myself to pieces on the battlefield! I've saved plenty of lives in my time, as well as enriching the culture of dimensions I've passed through. I doubt you could say the same!"
The other two treasures added their own two cents, until all of them were haranguing one another. The ground started rumbling.
"Aahz," Tananda said, alarmed. "The magik's gathering again."
"Stop it," I ordered them. "Hey! You're going to cause another explosion! STOP IT!!!"
They all looked at me.
"My apologies, good Aahz," Ersatz said. "It has been so long since we were together that even I forget the disasters that we can cause."
"Good," I said. "Let's get out of here. Exit. Stage left."
Chapter 12
"I KNOW THE Book is not far away," Kelsa said, as we came to a crossroads. "I can feel it. But he's hedged himself around with spells. I can't tell you exactly where. He has the wisdom of the ages written in his pages, and his magik would fool all the sages. Oh, I made a rhyme!" She giggled insanely. Buirnie played a flourish, accompanied by a roll from Zildie, the snare drum, to drown her out. He was still sulking about having to share Calypsa with Ersatz, but since he didn't want to scare off a potential apprentice, he was annoying on a minor scale, so to speak.
I let it pass.
I surveyed the terrain. It had plenty of hedges. And bushes. And trees. Not a lot more. We had been walking more than a day already. According to the signpost, we were just outside Pikerel, population 80. Pikini, the dimension we were in, bore no interesting features I could see, except the locals' skill at brewing beer, which we discovered at a series of small roadside hostelries, and the Book, which always seemed to be another few hours' walk away. According to Tananda, few power lines arched overhead, but little technology had evolved in its place. Hence, the dimension's denizens, the Pikinise, got by on muscle power, theirs or their beasts of burden. We were disguised as black-furred Pikinise to avoid trouble.
"Why would a hot magik item hide himself away in a nowhere burg like this?" I asked.
"We all have our tasks, Aahz," Ersatz said, reprovingly. "We do not seek to place ourselves in the midst of excitement. Where we wind up is a matter of fate."
"Fine. Where exactly did fate drop the Book?" I asked.
"Hmm…I don't believe he is between assignments," Kelsa said. Her eyes began to bulge and shrink again. "He is out at the end of the…longest path…nice little place, all modern conveniences, four bedrooms, outhouse handy out the back, kitchen, workshop, dining room, properly taxes for the current year thirty-five gold pieces, good school but a very long commute…"
"Where?" I demanded. "I'm getting tired of guessing."
She blinked at me. "Location IS the most important thing, isn't it?"
I tried again. "What kind of workshop?"
"Mixed use," Kelsa said. "I see leather-working tools, carpentry tools, a small forge, some candle molds…"
"Sounds like a boutique in New England," I commented. "Can you steer us toward it?"
"I can't give you a path to follow. I can only tell you if you're going hot or cold."
"Fine," I said, in exasperation. "What about this way?"
"Warm," said Kelsa. I turned to my right. "Hot." I stepped out, opening my stride. The others fell in alongside me. The surface of the road was pitted and torn up by cart tracks, but it was better than walking along the sides, which were knee-deep in mud. We stepped up over a hill and headed toward a solid line of trees.
"Do you mind if I whistle while we walk?" Buirnie asked. "I always feel it helps to pass the time."
"Keep it down, okay? I don't want to annoy the locals."
"How can you say it will annoy them? I know plenty of Pikinise music. They'll LOVE it."
"Well, I would appreciate it if you would not sing, Buirnie," Ersatz said, sounding weary. "We have heard far too much of your voice over the last several hours, and I for one would prefer the sounds of nature."
"All right, I'll take a vote," the Flute said, imperturbably. "All those in favor of lovely, wonderful music, a round of applause, please!"
The drum, which waddled behind us on little metal legs, produced a sharp roll.
"Thank you, thank you! For my first number, I would like to render my version of the Flight of the Bumblebee, with a jazz variation that I cooked up for the Crown Prince of Whelven…"
"Be quiet," Asti snapped.
"But I thought you liked my music!"
"For once I agree with Ersatz," she said. "Give us all a rest."
"A quarter rest, a half rest or an eighth rest?" Buirnie asked.
"A whole rest," I said. "And I'll tell you when it's over."
Buirnie let out a breathy sigh. "I should have known you weren't music lovers. Except for Miss Calypsa here. Why are you traveling with such unappreciative characters, little lady, when you could be traveling with someone fascinating like me?"
"La la la! You sure do love
the sound of your own voice," Asti said.
"Well, since you sound like a burp in an air pocket," Buirnie began.
"How did the Golden Hoard get started?" Tananda asked, interrupting the eternal argument.
"Oh, it is an interesting story," Buirnie said, pleased to be asked a question. "I wrote a song about it. It has eight thousand verses. Would you like to hear it? It would help to pass the time! You'll like the chorus. It goes, 'Once upon a time there was a Hoard…'"
"No!" I roared.
Birds and small animals erupted out of the bushes and fled in all directions.
"My goodness, big fellah, you sure can project when you have to," Buirnie said. "I could play some instrumental music, so the little lady can dance!" His emerald eyes twinkled up at the Walt. She looked like a shy girl at a dance being annoyed by a couple of nerds. I put my foot down.
"No songs," I said. "No epics. No poems. No katas. No dances."
The Fife pouted. "You're no fun. How about a joke? Hey, Calypsa gal, I know some jokes about dancers. Guy walks into a barre, goes up to another guy and says, 'Say, do you dance here often?' The other guy says, 'No, but my kids plie around here.' Get it? Barre? Plie?"
Calypsa laughed. "I have not heard that one before."
"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter."
"That's how you entertained kings and emperors?" I asked. "I'm not impressed."
"Perhaps the joke was above your comprehension, Pervect," Buirnie said. "I'll talk slower next time."
"Perhaps I will tell it," Ersatz said. "I can cut things short when required."
"Bravo, Ersatz!" Buirnie exclaimed. The drum rolled a rim-shot. "You're a laugh a minute! Not!"
"Did I say something funny?" the sword asked.
"Didn't you say it on purpose?" Buirnie asked. "Cut? Short? Get it? He's got no sense of humor."
"The Hoard," Ersatz said, raising his voice over the soprano pipe of the Fife, "formed almost by accident. It happened in the great dimension of Valhal."
"Valhal?" I asked. I searched my memory. "Never heard of it."
Ersatz let out a singing noise like a sigh. "Not surprising, for it is no more. I will tell you what came to pass. Thousands of years ago, there was a terrible war between four factions, the nations of Thorness, Odinsk, Freyaburg and Heimdale, each led by rulers who were eager to capture the whole of a most fertile and rich continent."
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