"It's starting to sound familiar," I said.
"They were famous in their day. Naturally, they have since passed into legend. Four armies, each legends of power and prowess, each carrying one of us."
"Not me, of course," Kelsa said. "I wasn't there. Yet."
"Nay," Ersatz said. "It was I and Asti, Chin-Hwag and Pilius, the Great Spear. Each of us was at the height of our powers. I had been brought to Valhal in that very year by a traveling Deveel salesman whom the Emperor of Thorness chose to arm him for the coming battle. The armies met on the field of honor. They battled one another bravely, using our abilities and talents, as well as those of mere spear-carriers…"
"You should excuse the expression," Kelsa added. "There was only one spear who really mattered."
"…The mortal soldiers," Ersatz continued, with a long-suffering glance at her. "Yet, they came to a standstill, all four facing one another over a square portion of territory that came to be known as "No-Val's-Land." None could penetrate the others' lines. When sally after sally produced no movement, it behooved our leaders to attempt to end the war through negotiation. Such was my counsel, at any rate."
"Mine, too," Asti said. "I was getting tired of healing sword slashes and mace blows, and all for nothing!"
I nodded. "Stands to reason. That's what I would do."
"Aye. It was a demonstration of the greatest futility of war, the slaying of pawns, yet not gaining another inch for all the pain. They came to a halt around a small vale, where lay a vaulted hall, long abandoned, but still large enough for the four leaders and their advisors to use as a meeting place. It was a historical moment when we were all brought together by the four leaders as they attempted to hammer out a peace accord. Beer flowed freely. In fact, we were all inundated in it!"
"It was my best beer," Asti sighed. "A very special recipe I came up with for the occasion."
"Sounds like a great party," I said.
"In the presence of that catalyst, we felt ourselves changed. Our auras overlapped, and an alteration came to pass."
"I've been at parties like that," Tananda said, with a reminiscent smile.
"That is not what I meant," Ersatz said sternly.
"That's what YOU think."
"We had become sentient, and aware of the others. We were greater than our creators had made us. We had purpose.
That which was lacking in each of us had been awakened by the others."
"Sounds like some kind of mutual admiration society," I said.
"Not really," Asti said. "All I knew was I was no longer the only magik item. I was used to sharing, but not the attention paid to me. I didn't like it."
Ersatz eyed her. "None of us did. We were accustomed to being individuals. Yet there was no denying that we were equals, each with superior skills that the others could not duplicate. Perforce, we came to a mutual respect. When the room filled with our power, all the mortals presence realized they were in the presence of greatness, yet they knew not the source. The Wizard Looki discovered that it was we who were the fount of it, decided to pool together their resources to make one nation greater than any that had come before it, and stave off the barbarian hordes that nibbled at the boundaries of the lands. We made a vow among ourselves, the immortals among the temporal ephemerae, to fight thereafter for those who were in true need of our services."
"The really epic battles that needed to be won," Asti said. "Not these petty border skirmishes, fighting for an inch or two of land, or the hand of a wench. Just those that would end oppression, free the enslaved and preserve the environment."
"That is so heroic of you!" Calypsa said, clasping her feathered hands in admiration. Ersatz looked pleased.
"Aye. Since we refused our services to settle petty border disputes, nor would raise shield against one another…"
"So to speak," Asti added.
"…the masters of the realm were forced to employ diplomacy. When we did step in, all could tell that the matter was serious. Our reputations alone caused many an uprising to be quelled on the rumor of our involvement, so less blood was shed than ever before. Peace reigned. The four rulers sat side by side on thrones in a grand palace constructed on the site of the vaulted hall. It was a golden time," Ersatz added, with a sigh. "We enjoyed a truly pleasing life for a time. We were much celebrated for our wisdom and generosity. A grand Treasury was constructed to hold us, where we could be consulted by the high and low alike. We posed for an artist, who created decks of cards bearing our likenesses, the Taro, because the cards themselves were made of the fiber of that ubiquitous root. Four suits, for we four treasures. They were used for divination as well as gambling, the first pasteboard oracle."
"I've seen those," Tananda said. "But I thought that the fourth suit consisted of coins. Shouldn't it be a picture of the Purse?"
Ersatz and Asti exchanged glances. The Cup hemmed, a little uneasily.
"Well, when you meet her you'll see that Chin-Hwag isn't very…"
"Photogenic," Kelsa supplied. "They won't say it, but I will. She's ugly. Talented, but ugly. It doesn't matter! It's what's inside that counts. That's what I always say!"
"As long as what's inside is gold coins, I don't care what she looks like," I said.
"Those were the very words of King Brotmo," Ersatz said. "He whose realm Odinsk stood to the north of Thorness. He bore the great spear into battle. His people were very poor, so the wealth given to them by Chin-Hwag by the grace of the Lords of Freyaburg eased the poverty there. He bore the great spear into battle against the Wlaflings, the wolf-kind who poured out of the hills and harried the Thornessians. Everyone helped one another."
"But Valhal was not content to be the home of only four treasures of renown. The four rulers sought to set themselves apart from the others. First there was the escalation of thrones. All the leaders tried to have the highest. It only ceased when the Lady of Heimdale actually fell out of hers and plunged sixty feet to her death."
"Hard luck," I said.
Ersatz grunted. "Hard, indeed, especially the landing. Then the richness of regalia. Then the size of retinue. Short-ages of space and resources became the cause for much infighting, and rules had to be reestablished as to how many attendants each monarch may have when he or she was in council with the other three. So, each secretly sent out messengers to attempt to find another epic treasure to add to the Hoard, who would wield more power in his or her name."
"More and more treasures were brought in. As soon as these came in contact with us, they awoke to knowledge of their power. Some of them we accepted into the Hoard. Others were not worthy to be in our company. In the end, only twelve of us were of sufficient quality. Much jealousy arose, as is to be expected, but we had to have standards of excellence. No one may rest upon his reputation alone, though as you may judge, good Aahz, it helps to stave off futile exercises if one's opponent is in awe of what he has heard."
"True," I said. "In our organization, M.Y.T.H., Inc., we had standards like that. It helps if there's general agreement that everyone who is there belongs there."
"Oh?" Asti asked. "So you had a fellowship. Not with this child, surely, but with the green wench. I can tell that you two know one another well. You do not always communicate with words."
"Yeah, we had an association," I said. "It was a damned fine one, too. When we had to, we could kick epic butt."
"Aye, mortals often believe that they can achieve fraternity as we did," Ersatz said, with a nostalgic sigh. "It was such a friendship as has never been seen in any time before or since. We were truly happy in one another's company. You don't know what it is like to be part of a group, each expert in its own field, respectful of one another's talents, able to defeat all comers, always knowing that one's back is defended as well as if one had been multiplied into an army."
"Sure, I do," I said. "Why, in M.Y.T.H. …"
"Oh, there's no mortal equivalent," Buirnie interrupted, dismissively. "Never has been, never could be. You couldn't possibly know w
hat it is to be a member of a fellowship like ours. It was unique!"
"What the hell do you know about it?" I demanded. I was beginning to get an inferiority complex from the constant hammering from the eternal treasures of the Hoard. As if I didn't know what a fellowship was!
"Nor would your petty band have taken on missions that would change the future of an entire race," Asti said.
I am a patient man, but I was beginning to lose my temper. "You're out of your mind, sister. I'd have staked M.Y.T.H., Inc. against any bunch of adventurers in the land, mercenaries, legendary heroes, mortal or immortal — whatever you had, we had it better. What we do… did was vital! I remember a time when our gang teamed up to put an end to the gang war that was brewing in the Bazaar."
"Perhaps it was important as you mortals count it," Kelsa said, blinking at me. "But it wasn't important on a cosmic level, as our adventures were, dear."
"In your humble opinion," I snapped.
"I only tell the truth! I know all, see all!"
"Blow all," I said. "You're so terrific that you end up in flea markets and fortune teller's parlors. That's where the great Golden Hoard has gotten to, right?"
"Good Aahz, we have offended you," Ersatz said, apologetically. "Perhaps I will cease my narration. I have carried on nearly as long as that penny whistle over there."
"Hey, who are you calling a penny whistle?" Buirnie said. "I've never charged a penny for my music in my life! I do it all for love."
"No," Tananda said. "You're not offending us at all, Ersatz." She shot a reproving look at me, and drew a long finger down the blade. "I want to hear the rest. You're so good at telling stories."
Ersatz's eyes closed. He almost seemed to be purring. "You have your own magik, mistress, surely."
"Go on," she said, in a caressing voice. "So, how did you end up in the flea market?"
"Alas," Ersatz sighed. "Change of fortune, and change again. Ah, me, those were the days. While we were in Valhal, peace existed between us all. There is not much more to tell. Sadly, our Utopia was all temporary. So many of us could not exist in one another's company. Each of us must be supreme. The power we generated together began to build up. The first explosion destroyed the treasury, but left us all unscathed."
"Not the Drum, dear," Kelsa said. "His head was torn right across."
"But his frame remained sound. Heads are easily replaced. It was determined that we should be divided before we fractured the realm once again. The warning came too late. They had brought too many of us together. We began to argue about the best way to safeguard our realm. We could not agree. The power built and built. Looki, always a most observant man, attempted to warn the leaders of the four realms to depart before a disaster came. They wouldn't listen. None would depart and leave the field to the others, or so they perceived. Such thinking proved to be catastrophic."
"The explosion, when it came, blew up the entire dimension of Valhal," Asti said. "It killed everyone, and scattered us all to the four winds. We turned up in some of the most unexpected places. When the dust settled, I was in a housewares display in a department store in Imper."
"I was the aggie in a game of marbles on Titania," Kelsa said. "Most exciting!"
"I blew right into the hands of a jazz musician in Nola," Buirnie said. "My first taste of stardom!"
"And I was cutting salamis in Trollia," Ersatz said, heavily. "I have sought for traces of our long-ago home, but it seems to have been severed from the dimensions, if it exists at all."
"Well, we were better than that," I said smugly. "I mean, we never blew up a whole dimension."
"If you are so superior," Asti said, "then why are you not together any longer?"
Ersatz answered before I could blow up.
"It seems that there are flaws in all of us. Since then, I have put myself into the hands of those who are about to fight epic battles. How about your fellowship?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I said. "It's gone now. Maybe good things aren't meant to last forever."
"Nonsense," Asti said. "Look at us! We ARE meant to last forever. Durable, that's the way it ought to be. We seldom come together, but we are never really apart."
I felt a pang. I resented it.
"I don't believe that is to what he refers, Asti," Ersatz said, sternly.
"How do you know what he is talking about? Your authoritarianism just twists my stem sometimes," the Cup said, rolling her rubies scornfully.
"He and his companions may have aspired to such a fellowship as ours."
"Oh, please, don't try to convince me he is anything but a greedy egotist."
"All right," I snarled, "I won't."
"I wrote a song about us," Buirnie said, interrupting the argument with one final attempt either to make peace or show off, I wasn't sure which. "Now that you know the backstory, it will be much more interesting. 'Once upon a time there was a Hoard…'"
"NO!" I bellowed. The ground almost shook at the sound of my voice. Buirnie looked taken aback.
"A simple 'thanks but no thanks' would have done the trick," he said, reproachfully.
"I know your company must have been special to you," Calypsa said. "But Ersatz has lived so many thousands of years, and done so many important things. I know you must feel small next to the Hoard. I know that I do."
"Child, never lose your sense of self worth," the Sword said, kindly. "Your adventure is just beginning. Someday you will realize that meeting us is the most important thing that will ever happen to you."
I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut. I realized I was never going to be able to convince them of the quality of what I'd had and lost. Tananda gave me a sympathetic look and a gesture to let it go. Well, if she could, I could. Let it never be said that I let my memories affect my mood.
"Look," I said. "There's someone we can ask for directions."
Chapter 13
THE BLEAK, OPEN landscape let us spot the carter more than half an hour before we reached him. The black-furred Pikinise studied us curiously but with no fear. He stopped his cart as I called out a greeting, and leaned his elbow onto his homespun-clad knee.
"Heading for Pikerel?" I asked, trying not to show the impatience that I felt.
"About," he replied. "Come from there?"
That was a safe bet, since the road we were standing on led directly back to the small hamlet.
"Yeah," I said shortly. "I wonder if you can help us. We're looking for someone."
"And you found him," the carter said, leaning back and looking pleased.
"Not you."
"Well, then, you ain't found him yet," the carter opined. I reached up and took him by the bib of his overalls.
"I've been walking for two days, and I'm not in the mood for yokel humor."
The Pikinise brushed my hands away and sat back.
"There's no need to get ugly," he said. "I thought it'd make you happy to get done what you're aimin' to do. Who you lookin' for?"
"He's right, friend Aahz," Ersatz said. "Perhaps if you'd been more specific…"
"Shut up," I said. "I don't do everything perfect like you four." I turned back to the local. "I'm trying to find a guy who lives out in this direction. He lives out in the middle of nowhere. He studies all the time. He's got books."
In no hurry, the carter scratched at the fur on his shoulder with a meditative hand.
"Seems to me," he said, "you might want one of the folks who lives out on the wild heath. The happy floormaker is somewhere out there. Very artistic fellah. He searches the mud puddles and hollows of the marshes and fields for found materials and clay and just other little mineral treasures to make the blocks and artistic mosaics that he takes such joy in. He takes folks in who just want a quiet place to stay. That's his territory." The carter waved a hand out vaguely behind him.
"I see," I observed, "so that's the Merry Tiler Moor."
I looked at the man for applause. I shouldn't have bothered. I had never seen such a blank look in my life.
/> "Wai, you might phrase it that way, stranger. Follow the wild beast trails. Ain't no road to his place. Good luck."
"What did he say?" Calypsa demanded, following closely on my heels as I looked for another person to ask for directions. "And what did you say before that? Why did he look so puzzled?"
"All right," I said, rounding on her. "This is turning into a regular liability. I can disguise you as a local. I can guide you through a hundred dimensions and locate the treasures of the ages, but I don't have time to give you language lessons! If you don't understand something, stow it. I'll tell you if it's important. I've got enough problems to concentrate on."
The Walt quailed. "I am sorry, Aahz, but I only wish to know what is going on so I can help…"
"Well, you're not helping," I said. "Just shut up. I'll tell you when there's something you really need to know."
"Isn't that just a typical Pervect?" Asti said, through the leather of her case. "Temper, temper, temper, and never a thought for anyone else's feelings."
I rattled her case. "The 'shut up' goes for you, too, sister. You're always riding me, and I don't deserve all the abuse you are handing out. I'm doing what I can. Sorry if I would rather accomplish her mission than provide the Cook's tour to dimensions we're passing through."
"I know all tongues from the lands through which I have passed in my years," Ersatz said. "I would be pleased to help Calypsa with interpretation."
"But you might not be with her everywhere she goes," Kelsa said. In her depths was a picture of Calypsa passing through a door with the outline of a woman on it.
"Oh, I can fix her," Asti said. "Take me out of here, Pervect. I don't like messing up my case." As soon as she was clear of her carrier, her bowl filled up with a bright green liquid. "Drink this, child. All of it."
Calypsa looked nervous. "What will it do to me?"
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