Looking In

by Michael Bailey

  I thought for a moment. “Two for each wall. Maybe one for the bathroom.”

  “Preference?”

  My immediate response was, “You,” but I bit that back. “Huh?”

  “Hero preference. I already know he likes Spider-Man, so that’s a given. Anyone else?”

  I shrugged. “No idea.”

  He grumped, shaking his head. “Fine. Left to my own devices it is.”

  He continued flipping, stopping occasionally to read the number on the bottom of a poster, completely unaware that I was watching his lips move as he read. Those same lips that I had kissed the night before, and the same lips that I was forcing myself not to kiss now. The yearning was so strong that I was almost grateful when he bent at the knees and pulled a thin roll from the rack, handing it to me.

  He repeated the process five more times. I tucked the posters under my arm, and he turned to me. “Anything else?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no idea. I just want it to look cool in his room. What do kids his age think is cool?”

  “You’re asking me? I’ve never been cool a day in my life.”

  “You are to me. You will be to him.”

  David blushed and looked down at the floor embarrassed.

  Giving in to impulse, I placed a finger under his chin and tilted his head back up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

  He waved a hand in front of his face. “No, it’s fine. I’m just not used to…”

  He didn’t need to finish. I knew what he meant. “You will.” If I have anything to say about it.

  He stared at me, and I swear, something passed between us, some connection, like that tether, tying me to him more. I wanted nothing more than to yank on that tether and pull him to me. I wanted to tell him what an amazing, strong person he was. I wanted him to believe in me and in himself. I never wanted to have to worry about another scar on his arm.

  But I did none of those things. The moment passed with a deep inhalation of breath from him. When he finally spoke, his voice was a rasp. “Books?”

  Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I said, “Huh?”

  I know. Brilliant. I’m a master of the English language.

  “Does he need any more books, any more trades?”

  “No idea. That was the second book I picked up last night, right?”

  He blushed again, obviously remembering what happened after I bought the book. “Yeah.”

  I thought a moment, then said, “Sure.” At that point, David could probably sell me on anything.

  He guided me over to the trades and scanned the bindings.

  “Crap.”

  “What?”

  “We’re out of the third one. I’ll have Owen order you one. I can let you know when it comes in.”

  “You don’t have to try so hard to get me to come back, ya know.” I smirked.

  “Oh, I gathered that,” he said, then led me toward the register.

  A statue caught my eye to the left, and I veered off in that direction. Apparently, David didn’t catch on until he had reached the counter and turned to speak to me. Frowning, he looked around the shop, his eyes finally landing on me. “Find something?”

  I pointed at the statue of a red and blue costumed Spider-Man clinging to a grey brick wall. “Is this for sale?”

  “Adam, trust me, you don’t—”

  “I do. How much?”

  “Two hundred and fifty dollars,” he said, coming to stand next to me.

  My jaw hung loose. “Seriously? For a statue?”

  “Yeah, seriously. I told you, you don—”

  “I’ll take it. It’ll look cool on the table next to his bed.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Absolutely! Got a box?”

  David gently took the statue off the shelf and carried it to the front counter. Setting it down, he said, “Be right back.” And headed toward the back of the store, leaving me with Greg, who kept giving me the stink eye.

  What was up with that dude? David barely talked about him and had even said they barely spoke. So why suddenly was Greg acting like he was David’s designated protector?

  David returned after a moment. Pulling Styrofoam from the box, he re-encased the statue and slid everything back into the box. “You sure you want it?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Greg’s gaze bounced between David and me, as if he were waiting for one of us to tell him to begin ringing up the order. I nodded to him, silently telling him to proceed, then turned to David. “What time are you off?”

  “We close at six.”

  “Crap. That may be too late.”

  David frowned. “For what?”

  “I was hoping you’d help me put this stuff up in his room.”

  He seemed to brighten at that. He glanced at Greg, then said, “I can’t.”

  Greg tossed the posters in a long bag and handed it to me. “Go.”

  “You sure?”

  “Positive. I have a feeling if you didn’t you’d be a moody bitch for the rest of the day anyway. Try to be back before we close, ‘kay?”

  David opened his mouth to protest, probably the “moody bitch” line, but I grabbed the statue’s box, shoved it into his arms, and grabbed his shirt sleeve, tugging him out the door.

  He actually seemed to giggle.

  Once in the car, he leaned back in his seat and I began to drive. “I can’t believe he let me leave.”

  “What is his deal, anyway?”

  David shrugged. “No clue. Like I said, we barely spoke before this morning. I guess Trish called him last night to tell him about our stopping by.”

  “Um…why?”

  He shrugged again. “Again, no clue. Maybe they have no lives and need to talk about mine.” He gave a nervous laugh at that. “Anyway, he pulled me aside this morning and told me about the call, and basically warned me to be careful.”

  “Of me?” I was slightly offended and kind of pissed off. Who was that guy to judge me?

  He gave a slight shrug. “I guess. Turns out his little brother’s gay. There’s a story in there somewhere, but we haven’t talked about it. I’m sure when he wants to, he will.”

  Then he added, “If I thought I needed to be careful, I wouldn’t be here right now. I…I trust you.”

  I sensed it took a lot for him to say those three words, “I trust you.” I got the impression that trust didn’t come easy for him. Not for the first time, I thought about the scar on his arm and wondered if his trust issues and the scar were somehow related. While I would have liked to have known the cause, I had enough sense not to ask. Discussions around sensitive topics tended to make people uncomfortable and shut down. He was just opening up. The last thing I wanted was for him to shut down again.

  We had to stop at a drug store along the way to pick up tape. I had considered asking at the front desk of the hospital for it, but I assumed they weren’t accustomed to relatives of patients redecorating the rooms, even if it was a poster—or six.

  Arriving at the hospital, he helped me carry our loot up to Lucas’s room. Lucas was passed out and Ryan was seated in the chair next to his bed. He cast a wary eye in my direction, then his gaze drifted toward David and his eyes went wide.

  I made introductions in a whisper, and Ryan shot me a knowing smirk. He knew exactly who David was, that he had been my date the previous night.

  Nodding in Lucas’s direction, I asked, “How’s he doing?”

  “Okay, for the moment. He just finished the last-minute tests and he’s resting. Treatments will start later this afternoon.”

  I nodded my understanding.

  Pointing to our bundles, Ryan said, “What is all that, anyway?”

  David piped up, “Posters. Adam thought it would make your son more comfortable. Less of a hospital feel and more of a home feel.”

  “I got ‘em from David’s store,” I added.

  “‘K. Think it’s allowed?”

  “Quite honestly, I don’t give
a shit if the hospital likes it or not. This is a children’s ward and there’s nothing in here that feels…well…like children are in here. Besides, what’re they gonna do? Kick him out?”

  Ryan gave me a wry smile. “No, Probably not.”

  “No ‘probably’ about it. Now, go grab a bite. We’ve got it covered here.”

  “I don’t want to leave him.”

  “I know. But you won’t be any good to him starved or passed out from exhaustion. Go! David and I will hang out here and hang up the stuff.”

  Casting one last look at his son, Ryan turned to me and said, “I have my cell on me. If anything changes, call me. I’ll be right in the cafeteria.”

  “Will do,” I agreed, and he walked out the door.

  David and I hung the posters, trying to place them strategically throughout the room so that they were all easily viewed from the bed. The job itself wasn’t that difficult. I was just anal about it. It had to be perfect.

  Once the statue was unboxed and placed on the table beside Lucas, I took a seat on the bed, careful not to jostle it too much and wake him.

  David sat in the chair and looked around the room. “This is a really cool thing you did; do you realize that?”

  I looked around and tried to see what he was talking about. All I saw were posters and a statue. David clearly saw it differently. “I just want him comfortable. He’s gonna be here awhile. I want it to feel as close to home as I can make it.”

  David looked thoughtful. “You care about him a great deal, don’t you?”

  I grinned. “I do. I didn’t even know the kid. I’ve been away most of his life. And now that I’m back, I feel like I’ve missed most of it.”

  “That’s only because of what’s going on right now. He still has a full life ahead of him. The three of you just need to get through this.”

  “You’re right. I know that up here,” I said, pointing to my head. Then, pointing to my heart, I added, “I’m trying to convince this of the same thing.”

  “You will. It’ll take time. You’re going to need to see improvements in him before you’ll believe he actually is improving.”

  “Makes sense. But how do I believe it?”

  “One step at a time.”

  We sat in silence for a short time as I watched Lucas breathe.

  “Ever think about having kids?” David asked.

  I pondered the question for a moment before answering. “Truthfully?”

  “Of course.”

  “They scare the hell out of me.”

  David snorted. “Me too. I work in a comic shop, remember? They can be holy terrors, running through the store, tearing things off the walls or throwing books onto the floor. And don’t even get me started on the messes they make with food and candy. But all that aside, I think you’d be a good father.”

  Pride swelled in my chest at his words. “What makes you say that?”

  “I see how you are with Lucas. I see the lengths you’re willing to go through to make him comfortable. Hell, there’s all of this,” he said as he waved his hand around the room at the posters. “Most uncles wouldn’t go to these lengths for their nephews. Imagine what you would do for your own child.”

  He was right. I knew it into the depths of my soul. I had wanted kids but never believed they were in the cards for me. “When I came to terms with being gay, I naturally assumed I’d never have the chance. That was one of the reasons I went into the military. Without kids, what purpose did I serve? Ryan was an adult, about to start a family. He didn’t need me anymore, and I didn’t want to get in the way.”

  “That’s admirable. It really is. But what do you want, now that you’re out?”

  You popped into my head again, and I had to bite the word back, keeping the word trapped in my throat. It was too soon, I reasoned, and there was too much going on. So, I swallowed that word. “Right now? Just to get through the next month, for Ryan and Lucas to get through it, together and in one piece.”

  “And then after?”

  I didn’t know how to answer. I hadn’t allowed myself to think that far ahead. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.”

  We fell silent again, until I finally said, “Some second date, huh?”

  “Meaning?”

  “Well, as second dates go, they aren’t usually spent in a hospital.”

  “No, they’re not,” he agreed.

  “So, I owe you a do-over.”

  He grinned. “Hardly.”

  “But I do.”

  “No, you don’t. Listen, I understand until this is over, Ryan and Lucas are going to be preoccupying most of your time. That’s the way it should be.”

  “I get that. But what about…”

  “What about what?”

  I glanced down and picked at the hem of my shorts. “What about you?”

  “Me? What about me?”

  “The timing of all this is just so fucked up. I can’t expect you to sit around and wait.”

  He stood from the chair and crossed over to sit beside me on the bed. “Let me ask you something. If we had a conventional second date, like dinner and a movie, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn’t be preoccupied with what was going on here?”

  Guilt began to worm its way into my gut. “No, I’d be worried sick.”

  “So would I. I wouldn’t want you preoccupied. I’d want you focused. And right now, your focus has to be on your family. I understand that. I’m not sitting around and waiting. I’m right where I want to be.”

  He reached over and took my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the back of it. “Honestly. It’s okay.”

  He said it with so much conviction and sincerity, I believed him. And, as if to emphasize what he had just said, he leaned his head into my shoulder, and we watched Lucas sleep until Ryan returned.

  ADAM WAS RIGHT. OVER THE course of the next two weeks, we had gone out on a few additional dates, but most of his time was preoccupied with Ryan and Lucas. I was fine with that, for the most part. It allowed me time to examine our…relationship, although that word was too strong. If I allowed my mind to wander, it inevitably wandered back to Adam. I was getting attached to him, and it scared me. I had vowed a long time ago that I wouldn’t get attached to anyone. Attachment only led to pain, both physical and emotional, and I doubted that I was strong enough anymore to deal with it.

  And yet, despite myself, I couldn’t help but to think about him. The way his kind, brown eyes would simply stare at me over a burger, the bob of his Adam’s apple as he would swallow his drink, the flex of his biceps, the way my heart would race when I would see his name on my phone from either a call or a text. The way the air seemed to dance between us when we were together. It was becoming increasingly more difficult for me to disregard what I was feeling for him, and it scared the hell out of me.

  A gnawing ache had begun to develop in my gut, equal parts joy and happiness mixed with fear and sadness. I cared for him, sure, but I also knew that this was temporary. It was impossible for me to believe that he would stick around if he found out what I had done. The thought of that depressed me. To make a connection with another person only to have it disappear was a gut-wrenching prospect to me. But I couldn’t stop myself. Adam was like a drug to me, and every text message, every phone call, and every date made me more and more addicted to him.

  How could the lessons I had learned be so easily forgotten? Never get close to anyone. Never allow anyone close to you. The moment you need someone to be there for you is the moment you find yourself alone. I knew all of that, and yet it didn’t stop me from hoping.

  Hope is a dangerous thing. It can string you along and make you believe that your innermost desires are, in fact, reality. It can blind you to what is truly going on around you, to the point that you believe. I had discarded hope a long time ago, and now I found myself back in its grasp.

  My relationship with Greg changed significantly. He was no longer the stranger I worked with, though I wouldn
’t go so far as saying we were friends either. We would…talk, which seemed unusual for the both of us. I found that I enjoyed working with him, and we worked well as a team. Much more so than Trish and me. She was flighty whereas he was serious. The dynamic perplexed me. He seemed almost “big brotherly,” and I couldn’t help but feel as if I was being substituted for his younger brother. I couldn’t figure out why. Truth be told, I took no issue with it, even if it was something I had never experienced before. I actually rather enjoyed it.

  However, I also knew that the burgeoning friendship I was developing with Greg was also temporary. Like Adam, he would have no desire to continue talking to me if he ever found out about my past. And that would make things even more awkward since we worked together. I hoped that day was a long way off.

  Business had a tendency to slow down at the shop in September, at least during the day. Kids went back to school, and foot traffic through the door would all but dry up. Wednesdays and Fridays continued to be our busiest day with new product and gaming, but the rest of the week would slow to a crawl.

  The last Wednesday of September was a particularly grueling day. Half of the product that typically came in Tuesday evenings for us to sell on Wednesday shipped late. As a result, some came in on Tuesday, some the following day. That caused an increase in customers, most coming in twice.

  I was exhausted by the time I got home.

  No sooner had I flopped down on the couch than my phone buzzed in my pocket. I knew it was Adam without needing to look, and I felt a small smile creep across my face despite the trepidation I felt earlier.

  -You home?

  I typed back, -Just

  -Good.

  Then there was a knock at my door.

  It took me a moment to fully understand what I had heard. I rarely had visitors, and especially at that hour.

  Going to the door, I looked through the peephole, and saw Adam’s smiling face, slightly distorted. He held two pizza boxes in one hand and a grocery bag in the other.

  Fear crept through my veins. I glanced around my studio. He had never been inside my studio. No one had. It was my private sanctuary. I had a split second to decide if I wanted to let him in. What would he think of me once he saw how I lived? Would he run out the door never looking back?