When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  ❖

  The breeze was warm against her face as Nat freewheeled down the hill. The wisps of hair that had escaped from under her helmet in the wind batted against her cheeks, tickling her skin so that she was constantly lifting a hand from her handlebars to scratch at it. Ash and Chloe were ahead of her, cycling smoothly now they were back on the flat, and Nat could see they were deep in conversation. Ash had been right. Taking the slightly longer off-road route around the edge of the park had been just the right decision as it offered more of an endurance test than the rest of the park. They were in Richmond Park, heading towards Wimbledon Common, having looped the park’s trail once already, and Nat knew the long climb up the bridleway would give them all an even stiffer test of their fitness.

  The park was beautiful at any time of the year, but in autumn, it seemed to put on an extra-special effort to spiral the senses. The bloody hues of the trees—a clattering of russets, reds, and oranges—took Nat’s breath away, and she wondered, as she reached the bottom of the hill and started pedalling again, just how many words for the colour red she could think of before she caught up with Ash and Chloe.

  “You were miles away.”

  Ash had stopped just round a bend, Chloe a little ahead of her. Nat hastily squeezed on her brakes and came to a standstill next to Ash.

  “Physically or mentally?” she asked, slightly out of breath.

  “Both. Slowcoach.” Ash grinned. “But I meant mentally. You were away with the fairies.”

  “Then the fairies were helping me count the number of words for red.” Nat undid the chin strap of her helmet and pulled it off, then ran her hands through her hair. “They came up with five.”

  “As you do.” Ash mirrored Nat’s action of removing her helmet and tousling her hair.

  “Don’t you think it’s lovely here?” Nat slid forward off her saddle and rested her arms on the bike’s handlebars, her helmet dangling loosely from one hand. “It’s the centre of London but it could be the middle of the countryside.”

  “If you think this is impressive, you’ll love Dartmoor,” Ash said. “I’ll take you. Next week, without Chloe perhaps. You could come a day early.” Then, as if realizing what she’d said, she added, “I mean…if you want to.”

  “I’d like that.” Nat meant it.

  “Assuming we have time.” Ash frowned, then stared out at a point beyond Nat’s shoulder. “It’s a long drive from mine, and, well, you know.”

  “No, I’d like to,” Nat repeated, noting the slight flush on Ash’s cheeks. “Really. If we have time.”

  “Sure.” Ash flicked a look Nat’s way, then away again. “Shall we get on?”

  Nat watched as Ash fumbled with her helmet, her fingers apparently too thick for the straps, then crammed it back onto her head, tightening up her chin straps afterwards. Ash was flustered. Anyone could sense that. Nat studied Ash’s back now she’d turned from her. But Ash didn’t do flustered, did she? Nat smiled as she too replaced her helmet and watched Ash slowly cycle away.

  No, Ash never did flustered.

  ❖

  Dartmoor seemed like a million miles away from where Ash was now. As her tyres crunched along the path leading towards Wimbledon Common, the voices inside her head all cried out to be heard. She had no idea what had made her offer to take Nat to Dartmoor, when to do so meant deviating from the very reason they would be in Cornwall. And deviating meant one thing: Ash wanted to spend more time alone with Nat. But that wasn’t the plan. That had never been the plan. The plan had been to get the two weeks over with as quickly as possible, then part again.

  But then Nat had asked Ash to dinner, and to her apartment, so she had deviated there too. More than that, she’d enjoyed being alone in Nat’s company far more than her brain was allowing her to think she did. Nat had also just apparently jumped at the chance to go to Dartmoor with her, so did that mean Nat was just as keen to spend more time with her as well? Away from the restrictions of the list and Chloe? Ash shook the thought from her head, choosing to stare down and concentrate on the whirring of her front wheel, rather than trying to work out the whys and wherefores of the past four days, and the impending four further days.

  “So I’m not invited to Dartmoor but Nat is?”

  Ash looked up, swerving slightly to avoid Chloe, who had slowed down to speak with her.

  “You heard?” Ash sat up straighter. “Don’t take what I said to Nat as a—”

  “I’m kidding you.” Chloe held up her hand. “I totally get you’d want to hang out with Nat on your own for a bit without me getting in the way.”

  They cycled on, side by side.

  “It’s not like that.”

  “I told you before,” Chloe continued. “I’m stoked you pair are even doing this for me.” She looked over to Ash. “It’s been a blast so far, and I’ve still got another four days in Cornwall with you guys, so it’s all good.”

  “You’re a good kid.”

  “Don’t call me a kid.”

  “Okay, you’re a good”—Ash lifted her eyes skyward—“dude. Better?”

  “Ish. Dude is a bit cheesy though.”

  “I don’t even know why I suggested Dartmoor to Nat,” Ash said truthfully. She felt the need to explain. Felt the need to speak her thoughts out loud. “I think it was one of those spur of the moment things.”

  “You should do it, though,” Chloe said. “Impress her with your knowledge of wildlife and all things cosy and Cornish.”

  “Who said anything about impressing her?” Ash asked, frowning. “I just thought it would be nice. I don’t think she’s ever been.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Seriously.” Ash lifted herself from her seat slightly as they approached a small incline.

  “You two seem to be getting on okay.” Chloe glanced over to Ash. “Why did you fall out with each other again?”

  “Oh, long story.” Ash laughed. She cast a look back over her shoulder to Nat, some way behind them on the path again. “And that’s all I’m saying.”

  “Whatever the reason,” Chloe said, “it’s a shame.”

  “Perhaps.” Ash sat back down as they levelled off again.

  “I mean it,” Chloe said. “You’re like Beth and Emily at school. They’re mates, then they’re not mates, then they are again. I’m always being, like, just get on with it, will you? It’s so boring.”

  “Sorry if I’m boring you.” Ash laughed again, her laugh masking her discomfort at being analysed by Chloe. “Nat and I are not like Beth and Emma.”

  “Emily.”

  “Emily. Yes, Nat and I were friends a long time ago, but now?” Ash shook her head. “We’re just acquaintances.”

  “Inviting her to Dartmoor would suggest you want to be her…friend.”

  “I told you,” Ash said, drawing her words out to indicate her exasperation, “that was a spur of the moment thing.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  “Anyway, who made you the expert?” Ash asked. “You’re fourteen.”

  She ignored the withering look that Chloe flashed her.

  “So why did you fall out with her?” Chloe pressed.

  “You’re like a dog with a bone.” Ash twisted her gear stick, shifting up a gear. “We were young,” she said. “We wanted different things from life.” Ash looked away. Well, Nat did, anyway.

  “Mum said you and Nat were always so close.”

  “We were,” Ash said, “but it was all a long time ago now.”

  “It’s a shame,” Chloe said. “A real shame.”

  “Do you ever stop?” Ash reached over and poked Chloe’s arm, grinning when she squealed.

  “Never.” Chloe started to pull away. “Oh, and by the way, just so you know? Mum let me in on a secret,” she called out as she raced off, “and I have a feeling that secret might just happen soon.”

  ❖

  “Since when was October supposed to be so hot?” Nat flopped down on the grass next to Ash and Chloe. She pulled at t
he neckline of her top, then flapped it back and forth, enjoying the cool air it produced. “October is all about burnished leaves and Halloween. Not sweat.”

  They had come to an agreed stop part way round Wimbledon Common, the long climb up to the Common, combined with the unusually warm weather, having temporarily defeated them. Now, lounging on the grass, their bikes scattered about them, Nat, Ash, and Chloe lazily watched a steady stream of cyclists, joggers, and dog walkers file past.

  “That last stretch finish you off, did it?” Ash asked.

  “All I can say is that spin cycling with my friend Maddie in a gym must be different from cycling up evil hills.” Nat lay back and shielded her eyes from the sun. She rolled her head and looked at Ash. “How come you were barely out of breath at the top?”

  “I’m as fit as a flea.” Ash closed her eyes. “Working on a boat every day helps.”

  “Will you take us out on it next week?” Chloe asked.

  Ash opened an eye and peeked at her. “Sure, if you want.”

  “Nat will love it,” Chloe said. “Right, Nat?”

  Ash’s boat.

  Nat smiled inwardly. She couldn’t think of anything lovelier than a day out at sea. With Ash. She cupped her hands over her eyes against the sun again and voiced those thoughts aloud. “I couldn’t imagine anything nicer.” She turned her head, catching Ash looking at her. Their gazes held for a moment, before Ash turned away again. Ruffled by Ash’s stare, Nat pulled herself upright and sat, her knees hugged tight to her chest, afraid that Ash would notice her discomfort.

  “I’ll take you both out on the route we do with photographers,” Ash said, still lying down, “to see the seals. Interested?”

  “Only if I can steer,” Chloe said, laughing.

  Nat followed Chloe’s gaze as she waved to a boy walking across the Common.

  “Back in a mo.” In a heartbeat, Chloe had scrambled to her feet and run across the grass to speak to him.

  “Nice to see one of us can be tempted across a park by a boy,” Ash said, the drollness in her delivery provoking a spontaneous and uproarious laugh from Nat.

  “Sure never happened when we were fourteen,” Nat said when she’d stopped laughing. She looked back down to Ash. “Sure as hell isn’t going to happen now.”

  “Amen to that,” Ash murmured, her eyes closed again.

  “At fourteen we were all about the netball,” Nat said. “Remember?”

  “Ah, netball.” Ash smiled, her eyes still closed. “Lovely, lovely netball.”

  Nat rolled onto her side, propping herself up on one elbow. “So, tell me some more about Cornwall,” she said. “So that I’ll know what to expect when I get there next week.”

  “You never got round to going, then?” Ash asked.

  “You knew my parents.” Nat chuckled. “When all the other kids went to Cornwall for their summer holidays, mine preferred France.”

  “I used to hate it.” Finally Ash opened an eye. “Your three weeks each summer in France. I used to count the hours until you got back.”

  “I know.” Nat gazed down at her. “So did I.”

  “Do you remember the necklace you brought me back the first time you went after we got together?” Ash asked. “Different colour blue beads on brown leather?”

  “From Biarritz.” Nat smiled. “I found it quite by chance in this amazing little shop on the seafront. Bought it on the spur of the moment.”

  “I’ve still got it.”

  “No way.”

  “Mm.”

  “After all this time?” Nat was genuinely shocked. The necklace had been bought because she’d been missing Ash like crazy, and buying her something had made her feel closer to her. She remembered sitting in the bedroom of the gîte her parents had rented, turning the necklace over in her hands, imagining how and when she’d give it to Ash when she got home. Missing her more and more with each feel of the necklace, her sadness escalating, knowing it would be weeks until they’d be together again.

  They’d been so in love back then. Unable to spend barely a day apart, let alone three weeks. The four summers they were together became an annual roller coaster of agonizing emotions, their tears at Nat’s departure only matched in intensity by their happiness and rush of renewed love for one another when they were finally reunited.

  “It’s a nice necklace.”

  Ash’s voice blew Nat’s memories up into the sky and away from her.

  “It should be,” Nat said quietly. “It cost me a fortune.”

  A sense of disappointment stabbed at her when Ash gave no sign of having heard her. Instead, Ash closed her eyes again, threaded her hands behind her head, and turned her head away from her.

  Safe in the knowledge that Ash couldn’t see her, Nat allowed herself the luxury of staring at her. Her thoughts fluttered back down to her, stronger this time, tinged with regret. Nat knew she’d never experience the kind of love that she and Ash had shared as teenagers ever again, and she knew she’d never miss anyone like she’d missed her back then. The necklace hadn’t been a spur of the moment present, despite what Nat had said. She’d spent days searching for the perfect present for Ash, fending off questions from her parents as to why she’d prefer to trawl the markets and shops rather than sunbathe. It had all been for Ash, and as Nat now sat watching her gently breathing, she absorbed the implications of her thoughts and knew with a sinking heart that she would never match the strength and passion of their relationship ever again.

  Nat looked away, tears needling the backs of her eyes, and stared blankly out across the grass, across to Chloe, still standing under a far-off tree with her mystery boy. How had Nat ever let Ash go? She had been the best thing to ever happen to her and Nat had treated her like she didn’t matter.

  “All I need right now is the sound of the sea and I could be back home.”

  Ash’s murmured voice sounded next to Nat. Nat stole a look to her, Ash’s head still turned away.

  “You still haven’t told me about Cornwall.” Nat lay down.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Describe it to me,” Nat said, “in your own words.”

  “Hmm,” Ash said. “Well it’s nice.”

  “No.” Nat flapped an arm at her. “Tell me exactly what it’s like.”

  She heard Ash breathe slowly in, then out again.

  “Let me see,” Ash said. “Cornwall is vibrant. It’s…a clash of countryside, sea, moors.”

  “More. I need to see how you see it.”

  “Well,” Ash began, “the sky is pale in winter. Like you can’t see where the sea ends and the sky starts. But then in summer? In summer, the sky turns this amazing deep blue colour, and the sun sparkles off the sea, almost as if it’s dropping handfuls of diamonds onto it.”

  Nat smiled.

  “Night skies so clear you can see stars like millions of beads.”

  “Like beads?” Nat repeated. “I like the sound of that.”

  “And sometimes,” Ash said, finally turning her head to look at her, “I like to just sit and listen to the breaking of the sea on the beach. Gabe always says you can’t be stressed when you’re listening to the sea.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  “It is.”

  Nat sensed contentment radiating from Ash.

  “And the boat?” Nat asked.

  “Oh, the boat’s my life,” Ash replied. “Out on the boat, you can almost taste the sea.” She hesitated, then propped herself up on one elbow. “Close your eyes,” she said.

  Nat peered at her.

  “Just close them,” Ash said.

  Feeling slightly self-conscious, Nat did as Ash wanted.

  “You want to see Cornwall as I see it?” Ash asked.

  Nat nodded.

  “Imagine golden fields of corn in summer,” Ash said, “all buttered by the sun and gently bowing their heads in a breeze so soft it feels like it’s caressing you.”

  “I feel silly.” Nat’s smile hid her self-consciousness. />
  “Then forget I’m here,” Ash said, “and just transport yourself there.”

  “Okay.”

  “So, can you see it?” Ash asked. “The corn?”

  “I see it.”

  “Now see the contrasting skyline, as intense a blue as you’ll ever see,” Ash continued, “and then look behind to see emerald hills, sheep dotted across them. You see them?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Now start walking,” Ash said, “and feel the corn tickling your fingers as you walk.”

  “It’s nice.”

  “What do you see ahead?”

  “The sea.” Nat’s eyes grew heavy, her muscles loose. Ash’s voice, low and soft, swirled about her, muddying her senses. “I see the sea.”

  “Now, listen.”

  Ash’s voice was closer, Nat was sure. She wanted to take a look, but the comfort of the images that now blessed her closed eyes was too lovely to break.

  “Seagulls.” Nat smiled. “And waves crashing, the sea breeze whispering.” She laughed. “Listen to me, all poetic.”

  “It’s nice, isn’t it?” Ash asked. “The contrast of sea and land and all the clash of colours and sounds that brings with it.”

  “It’s perfect.”

  “So do you see it now?” Ash asked. “Cornwall? Just as I see it?”

  Nat’s smile increased. “I see it,” she said. “Thank you. I see it.”

  “Good, because I think I’m all poemed out.”

  That was, Nat thought with a pleasant twinge inside, typical Ash. She’d always been very good at dizzying Nat’s senses, then saying something daft to cover up her embarrassment. It had always been like that when they’d been together, Nat remembered. Declarations of love from Ash had always been swiftly followed by a dry comment.

  Nat heard Ash move and sensed she’d lain back down again. Nat lay, her eyes still closed, her senses pulsing—both from Ash’s soft voice and her own memories—and listened to both of their quiet breathing. She rolled over onto her side and looked across at Ash, lying facing her with her head nestled in the crook of her arm. Their bodies were barely inches apart, their faces close. Ash’s eyes fluttered open and locked onto hers with an intensity Nat hadn’t seen from her all week. Without thinking, Nat reached out and brushed a strand of hair from Ash’s eyes, her heart pounding faster when Ash didn’t attempt to stop her. Knowing she shouldn’t, but unable to stop, Nat drew her hand from Ash’s hair and traced it down her arm, finally finding her hand and capturing it in hers. Their fingers entangled, Nat continued to gaze at Ash, wanting to say so many things but at a loss as to where to start.