When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  “It’ll be quick,” she said softly to Ash, “I promise you.”

  “Okay.” Ash blinked slowly, whatever colour was left in her face quickly draining away. “I remember last time it was only mildly agonizing.” She gave a faint smile.

  “Who’s the doctor here?” Nat returned her smile. She scrambled to her feet, cursing as her foot slipped on the wet grass, and unzipped her soaking jacket. “You’ll not feel a thing this time, I guarantee it.”

  “Hmm.”

  Nat raised an eyebrow to Ash, then swiftly pulled her hat off, followed by her long-sleeved shirt. Her T-shirt underneath immediately began to dampen in the driving rain, and she hastily shrugged her jacket back on, zipping it back up.

  “Ta-da.” Nat held up her long-sleeved shirt. “Sling. It’ll allow your muscles to relax after I’ve popped you back in.”

  “Nice colour.” Ash’s eyes rolled in her head. “I think I’m delirious.”

  “No,” Nat said, pulling the arms taut on her makeshift sling, “you’re just plain daft.” She fell to her knees again and scooted her wet beanie back onto her head, grimacing at the sensation of the cold material against her warm head. “I’m going to slowly rotate your arm,” she said, concentrating on the task at hand. “It should go back in easily.” Nat gazed down at Ash. “I’m very good.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Trust me.” Nat smoothed her hands up and down Ash’s arm and held her gaze. “So where did you have your last reduction done?”

  “Local A and E. Gabe took me.”

  “Did it hurt?” Nat extended Ash’s arm, rotating it slowly, her eyes never leaving Ash’s.

  “Not much. But then I had gas and air there.”

  “Did it take long?” Nat asked, noticing the flicker of panic on Ash’s face.

  “No, it was…that’s a bit uncomfortable.” Ash’s face twisted and she rolled her head away from Nat’s gaze, her eyes closing.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Nat stopped what she was doing and smoothed Ash’s hair again. “It’ll be over soon, I promise.”

  At Ash’s nod, Nat flexed Ash’s shoulder again, hearing the noise she’d been waiting for, then drew her hand slowly down it until their fingers were interlocked.

  “Better?” she asked, smiling when she saw Ash look at her arm. “Pain all gone?”

  “It’s done?”

  “I told you I was good.” Nat draped Ash’s arm over Ash’s chest and looked down at their entwined hands, Ash’s cold and damp in hers. She closed her other hand over it and squeezed, gratified when she felt the merest hint of warmth peeking through. “Want to try and sit up?”

  Ash nodded.

  “Careful.” Nat reached over and placed her hands behind Ash’s shoulders, gently helping her sit up. She watched, relieved, as Ash’s face, previously blanched a sickly shade of white, gradually grew pinker as her blood pulsed.

  “Feels good.” Ash waggled her fingers.

  “You’ll need this.” Nat picked up her shirt and placed it around Ash’s neck, tying the arms together to make her makeshift sling, then carefully placed Ash’s arm into it. “Still okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “No pins and needles?” Nat asked. “No numbness?”

  Ash shook her head.

  Relieved, Nat sat back and hugged her knees. Widgeon joined her, pressing his warm but soaked body up against her side. Nat scratched at the fur on his head, smiling as he emitted a long, deep sigh.

  “I think he likes you,” Ash said.

  “So he should,” Nat replied. “I just fixed his owner.” She looked at Ash. “We should get you in the dry. You don’t want to add pneumonia to your list of ills.”

  “Is it even still raining?” Ash lifted her eyes to the sky and blinked. “I hadn’t noticed.”

  “Well, you’ve been preoccupied throwing yourself down hills.”

  Nat softly pulled on Widgeon’s velvety ear, then stood. She held out a hand to Ash.

  “Ready?” she asked.

  “As I’ll ever be.” Ash reached up and took Nat’s hand.

  “Steady,” Nat said. “You’ll be a bit light-headed.”

  She carefully pulled, guiding Ash to her feet, then instantly drew Ash to her as Ash stumbled.

  “Okay?” Nat’s arms were gentle around Ash, their cheeks touching. She could hear Ash’s shallow breaths, feel her shivering slightly against her body. “You’re shaking.”

  “I’m cold.” Ash’s breath was warm against Nat’s skin. “And dizzy.”

  “I said you would be.”

  Nat closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of Ash against her. Just like at Paddington Station the week before, Nat was surprised to feel that Ash’s body felt the same as she’d done all those years before. No, perhaps not quite the same. Now Ash was more toned. Less squidgy than she was at eighteen. Nat smiled against Ash’s hair at that thought, then frowned as a past image flashed in her mind. A woodland drenched in summer rain. A hug, just like this one. Heads buried in necks. Hair tickling cheeks. Then a long kiss. The sweetest, longest kiss Nat had ever had.

  Nat pulled back. She was aware her breathing had deepened, so she turned away, afraid that Ash would notice. She stared out in front of her, trying to see through the grey clouds, trying to focus her mind.

  Belfast.

  Her familiar mantra chanted in her head. Time to think of Belfast. This time next month she could be there. She had to be. All she had to do was make one quick phone call, and…

  Nat turned to see Ash staring at her. There was a look in her eyes that Nat hadn’t seen before. It was a look of hope.

  ❖

  “Jeez, you go out for a ramble on the hills and come back looking like this.”

  Ash forced a smile at Gabe’s fussing. She allowed herself to be steered to her sofa, grumbling all the while that she wasn’t an invalid, then gratefully sank down into it, ignoring the fact she was caked in mud and now, in all probability, so was her sofa.

  Gabe and Nat stood in front of her and stared down.

  “Do you like my makeshift sling?” Ash ran her hand over it. “It’s Nat’s.”

  “Nice colour.” Gabe nodded in approval.

  “That’s what I said.” Ash gingerly moved her arm and nestled it tenderly against her chest. “Although I was delirious at the time.”

  “You should get out of your wet clothes,” Nat said, Ash shifting slightly as she sat down next to her.

  “Still feel okay?” Nat asked, smoothing a hand over her shoulder. “Absolutely sure there’s no numbness in your arm or fingers?”

  “It’s all right,” Ash replied. “Just stiff.”

  “Don’t forget to take the painkillers like I told you, okay?”

  Ash nodded, aware at just how much her body had tensed at Nat’s proximity and touch. Her nerve endings tingled as if on high alert, as if the next touch from Nat would set off a chain reaction throughout her body. Her breathing was hollow, every fibre twitching.

  “You’ll have stretched your muscles,” Nat said, resting back into the sofa, “so it’s important to keep the sling on.” She looked at Ash, their eyes meeting. “You’ll need to rest it,” she said, “and when I say rest, I mean rest.”

  “Yes, Doctor.”

  “Seriously. So that means if you need help with anything for the next twenty-four hours,” Nat continued, “you call either me or Gabe, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Then I’ll show you some exercises to strengthen it.” Nat smiled at her. “I’ll get you sorted again, I promise.”

  “Thank you.” Ash held Nat’s look, grateful for everything she’d done.

  “I’ll go for now,” Nat said, pulling her gaze away and getting to her feet. “So I can get changed.” She signalled towards Ash. “You really should change out of those wet clothes too.”

  “You could use my shower,” Ash said. Despite her pain, she wasn’t ready for the day to end. Not just yet. Not like this. “Borrow some clothes. We’re about the same si
ze.” She coughed slightly. Images of Nat that had threatened for days, certainly since Wimbledon Common, trampled through her mind. Now, a shower image had just been added to the list. Ash cleared her throat again. “If you want, that is.”

  “No, I’ll head off.” Nat paused slightly, then nodded, as if her mind was finally made up. “It’s getting dark. I can be back at my B and B in fifteen minutes.”

  “I’ll drive you.” Gabe picked up his woollen hat from the sofa, then crammed it messily onto his head. “You’ll be okay?” he asked Ash.

  “I’ll be fine.” Ash made to stand, accepting the hand from Gabe that was offered to her. “I’ll send Widgeon out with a note round his neck if I pass out,” she said, adding, “Joke!” when she saw the look on Nat’s face.

  “I’ll be back in half an hour,” Gabe said, his concern touching Ash.

  She walked with Nat and Gabe to the door, feeling the adrenaline of the day begin to dwindle to exhaustion. All Ash wanted now was a hot shower, PJs, dinner, and bed. In that order. Nat too, she thought, looked shattered, and the thought pricked at her heart. Perhaps she should try harder to make Nat stay? The idea of Nat going back to her B & B on her own was awful.

  “Won’t you stay?” The words were out before Ash knew it. “Please?”

  Nat turned to look at her, and Ash could see the mixture of emotions on her face: tiredness mixed in with the confusion over what she really wanted to do.

  “I…” Nat began.

  Stay. Ash held her eye.

  “…should really go.”

  The heaviness in Ash’s chest at Nat’s reply was compounded by the conviction with which Nat had said it. Ash immediately felt foolish. Cheated, even. Of course Nat would want to go—why wouldn’t she? She was cold and wet, and more than likely already fed up with Ash’s company for the day.

  “Of course.” Ash smiled tightly in an attempt to mask her disappointment. “I’m sorry. Of course you need to get home and dry as soon as possible.” She walked to the door, ignoring Gabe’s look, and opened it. “Shall I text you in the morning?”

  The expression on Nat’s face was tangible.

  “Sure,” Nat eventually said. “In the morning.” She reached out and took Ash’s hand. “You should get some sleep.”

  Ash nodded. Nat moved away slowly, letting her hand remain in contact with Ash’s until the very last moment possible. Ash lowered her eyes, feeling drawn by her touch. Pulled to her. With a quick smile to Gabe, and an assurance to him that she’d be fine on her own, she closed the door behind them and stood, listening to their footsteps as they receded down the path outside.

  The silence of the empty room filled her ears. Ash rested her forehead against the cool wood of her door frame, feeling her cheeks dampen with tears she didn’t even know were coming. Banging her palm angrily against the frame, she shoved herself away and strode to the bathroom, hoping the hot shower would be just what she needed to clear her mind.

  ❖

  Gabe was talking boats. In fact, Gabe had been talking boats from the minute they’d got in his car, and Nat still didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. His words vacillated around her as she looked out of the passenger window, watching the countryside smudge past her in the fading light.

  She should have stayed. She wanted to stay, but of course Ash might have just been being polite in asking her to. She’d looked exhausted, and no wonder. The last thing Ash would have wanted was for Nat to accept and for her to have to play host for the next few hours.

  She stared straight out of the windscreen in front of her. She’d made the right decision, she knew; if only her heart would understand that and cease its increasing heaviness with each bit of distance Gabe was now putting between her and Ash.

  “Does this mean the end of Livvy’s wish list for you and Ash?”

  “I’m sorry?”

  Gabe was talking. Nat rubbed at her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I was miles away. I’m really tired.” She smiled over to him.

  “Sea and mountain air does that to you.” Gabe laughed. “The list? Will Ash be able to do the rest of it now her shoulder’s crocked?”

  “She’ll need to rest it, that’s for sure.” Nat’s body tensed as she muffled a yawn. “Otherwise it’ll keep popping out.”

  “Nice.” Gabe pulled a face.

  “Although Ash never really was one for resting.”

  “You remember her well.” Gabe laughed loudly. “Trying to get Ash to rest is like trying to keep a puppy from wriggling. Impossible.”

  “She loves her life here, doesn’t she?” Nat said. “Her boat and the sea and everything.”

  Gabe shot her a quick look. “She does,” he said. “Very much.”

  “I could sense in London she was desperate to get back here.” Nat looked back out of the passenger window. “I can kind of see why.”

  “It gets you like that,” Gabe said. “It’s a very stress-free place to live. Why do you think so many Londoners have houses down here?”

  “Mm.” Nat had no answer to that. Her mind had drifted, again, apparently to resume its search of answers to the questions it was persistently finding.

  Two days. That was all she had left, and the sadness that thought stirred up in her was almost painful. In three days she’d be back in London. In a few more, possibly Belfast. The pain intensified.

  “We only have two wishes left,” Nat suddenly said, voicing her thoughts, “so it’s not as if we totally failed Livvy.”

  “You’ve done well.” Gabe looked impressed. “I’d say Livvy would be very happy if she were here now.”

  Dusk had inched into darkness by the time Gabe pulled his car up outside Nat’s B & B. She thanked Gabe, thanking him further for his offer to collect her again in the morning, then got out of the car. She stood in front of the B & B and gazed at the front door, listening to the diminishing sound of Gabe’s engine as he disappeared into the night. Back to St. Kerryan. Back to Ash.

  With a deep breath, Nat hitched her bag onto her shoulder and wandered wearily to the door.

  ❖

  Ash held a hand to the running water, allowing it to trickle through her fingers and scurry down her bare arm until it dripped from her elbow. Once she was satisfied with the temperature, she stepped cautiously into the shower cubicle, anticipating some discomfort in her shoulder when she pushed against the wall opposite her to steady herself, relieved when there was none.

  The hot water felt good, even if it did nothing to soothe the ache behind her eyes. Ash lifted her face to it, enjoying the feeling, then stepped fully under the flow. Hot needles pricked at her skin, inviting a brief whole-body shiver until she became used to the feeling of warmth and allowed the water to soak her. The citrus blast from her shower gel uplifted her senses, making her feel more energized than she had been moments before, and as she scrubbed at her skin, a hunger that had been missing since she’d fallen on the hillside hours before suddenly appeared.

  Remembering, Ash looked down at her shoulder. She warily ran her fingertips over it, pressing lightly at her bone. Nat had been awesome on the hill. No, more than awesome. Her hero. Ash smiled down to the swirling water at her feet. Nat had been her hero. She hadn’t flapped, hadn’t panicked. She’d just done what she’d had to do, and Ash hadn’t felt a thing. And all the attention she’d given her afterwards? Ash’s smile deepened. That had been equally awesome.

  Nat had guided Ash back down the hill as though Ash were a fine piece of china. On the way home, too, she’d taken care of her, asking every five minutes if she was okay, whether she was in pain. Nat had been so lovely. Nat had cared. Sure, Ash was certain she was lovely with all her patients, but there was something more that afternoon, even if Ash couldn’t quite fathom what it was. There was…genuine worry and affection.

  Ash switched her shower off and stood, watching the gurgling plughole as the soapy water hiccuped and bubbled and finally disappeared. Images of the whole day came and went, immediately
and absurdly followed by those of Nat and a man—whom she assumed to be Richard—together. She slipped a towel from its rail and rubbed at her face, trying to erase the images, angry with herself for allowing her brain to dictate her thoughts without doing anything to try and stop it.

  Ash pulled the towel from her face and caught sight of herself unexpectedly in her mirror. She peered into her own face, almost for reassurance from her own reflection, tilting her head first to the left, then to the right, and searched her own eyes, wondering what Nat thought—if she thought anything at all—when she looked her. Ash knew she didn’t have the overt prettiness of some other women, but what she did possess were strong features that had become more striking with maturity, and which she knew other women envied, from their comments over the years.

  She bent her head closer to the mirror, her breath leaving small opaque circles on it. Was that how Nat saw her too? Her thoughts returned by their own will to Richard. Ash knew she shouldn’t care that Nat had been married, but she did. The thought of her being with someone else cut her deeply, and even though she appreciated the marriage hadn’t lasted, there was also an overwhelming feeling of sadness that after they’d parted Nat had been able to have a relationship of sorts when Ash had festered in her own misery, unable to hold down any kind of anything, even if her arresting good looks were appreciated by other women.

  Ash lifted a brow and smiled at her own reflection at the irony.

  But she knew that her sadness was purely selfish. Regret for herself that she’d never been able to give herself to anyone other than Nat. The sadness was compounded by the stark realization that she would never be able to give herself to anyone other than Nat in the future either. How could she, when all she wanted now was to be near Nat again, to share her space, and hear her breathe, just like before?

  Ash rubbed harder at her skin, enjoying the feeling of the rough towel against her. She’d fought so hard over the last week to ignore her growing feelings, but no matter how much she put her fingers in her ears, those feelings just shouted louder to be heard until, finally, they could no longer be dismissed.