When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  “We shouldn’t,” Nat said.

  “Do you mean that?” Ash asked, a shiver pulsing through her when she saw the look on Nat’s face.

  Ash heard Nat’s breaths deepening, turning almost to sighs, and reluctantly slid her hand from Nat’s leg, desperate to touch her again, but afraid of what she was doing. Knowing where it might end. Nat reached over and took her hand, bringing it back over to her leg. To Ash’s surprise, Nat wrapped her hand round Ash’s and guided it lightly up and down her thigh, imitating what Ash had just been doing.

  “I’ve been thinking all day about us,” Nat said, her voice so quiet Ash could barely hear it. “About how we used to be.”

  “And?” Ash could hear her own heart hammering in her ears.

  When Nat didn’t answer her question, Ash resumed her stroking, trailing her fingers back and forth across Nat’s jeans. Finally, Nat moved her leg slightly and Ash, assuming she’d had enough, stopped stroking. Instead of moving away from her, though, Nat reached over, lightly tracing a finger across Ash’s cheek. Ash felt hot fire scorch across her skin, her nerves set alight from Nat’s touch.

  “I miss you,” Nat said quietly. “I miss us.”

  She scooted closer to Ash, frowning at the seat belt impeding her, unbuckled it and slowly leaned over. The immediate feel of Nat’s lips meeting her skin, nuzzling against her neck, kissing along her jawline, took Ash by surprise, sending her senses into spasms. Ash closed her eyes, thinking she ought to stop, that none of this was fair to either of them, but Nat’s immediacy, her soft lips kissing their way up and down her neck, searing her skin, the tip of her tongue teasing her while she kissed her, rendered her helpless.

  Stop.

  Don’t stop.

  The words drummed a relentless beat in Ash’s brain.

  But she couldn’t stop.

  Nat shifted her position again and sighed as she reached over and gently turned Ash’s face towards her, Ash’s senses spiralling as she opened her eyes and saw Nat’s eyes darken as their lips finally met. Their kiss was soft at first—tentative, even—but slowly deepened as tongues clashed and hands were lost in hair, Ash aching with the weeks of pent-up longing which were finally exploding with a passion she felt unable to stop. She murmured against Nat’s lips as she felt her suck on her tongue, her hands creeping under her top to seek bare skin. Everywhere Nat touched her burned like fire. She felt drunk from Nat’s touch, as though her layers of skin were being stripped away as every nerve in her body tingled, every inch of her set alight. Ash was lost in their kiss, unaware of anything other than her and Nat, their moans mingling as their kisses grew more urgent.

  Only the low rumble of a train, accompanied by the metallic squeal of brakes broke their kiss.

  “Chloe,” Ash murmured against Nat’s lips. “She’ll be here any moment…”

  Nat pulled away, her eyes still on Ash’s, and Ash knew it was only the sound of the train doors opening and slamming, and Chloe’s impending arrival that stopped them from kissing again.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  “And she was all over him, and I was, like, it’s too gross.” Chloe was holding court in the back of the truck. “I sent a photo to Amanda and even she thought it was gross, and let me tell you, there’s nothing that grosses Amanda out.”

  Nat stole a look to her in her rear-view mirror as she drove back towards Holly Cottage. “And they were sitting opposite you?” she asked.

  “Across the aisle.” Chloe made eye contact in the reflection. “But, still. Four hours. Four hours of making out on a train. Insane.”

  “And gross, apparently.” Nat stole a glimpse at Ash, their smiles matching.

  Just the way Ash looked at her now brought their kiss back to Nat. Her gaze fell onto Ash’s lips, remembering how it had felt, just a few minutes before, to be kissing her. The shudder that extended right down her body at the memory was both unexpected and intense.

  They hadn’t spoken after they’d kissed. Instead, Ash had stumbled from the truck, saying something about Chloe’s train which hadn’t reached Nat’s ears because Ash had slammed the truck door and strode across towards the platform, leaving Nat still in the driver’s seat, her heart still pounding in her chest. Nat hadn’t cared. They’d kissed, and it had been the best feeling in the world. It hadn’t felt like it had all those years before; it was better. More passionate. Less the fumbling of eager teenagers, more the care, softness, and attention of adults.

  Nat shivered again. Gone were the kids they had been. Gone was their silliness, their pettiness, their immaturity. She knew, with an absolute certainty, that she now loved the woman Ash had become just as much as she’d loved the teenager she’d been.

  “So what have you guys been up to?” Chloe’s voice broke Nat’s reverie.

  “This and that.” She spoke up to Chloe’s reflection, careful to avoid eye contact with Ash.

  “A sling doesn’t suggest this and that,” Chloe said, leaning forward in her seat and tapping Ash on her shoulder.

  “Long story,” Ash said.

  “Funny,” Chloe said, “that’s what Nat said too.” She sat back. “Want to explain?”

  This time, Nat did catch Ash’s eye. “Maybe,” she laughed.

  ❖

  By the time every tiny detail of Ash’s fall on Brown Willy had been recounted, Ash was starving, although, considering it was by then well past two fifteen, that wasn’t much of a surprise. A detour via a beachside café that she knew, and which she declared did the best lattes in the whole county, was decided, and by two thirty, lunch was finally a distinct possibility.

  The sun was just starting its descent again, bathing the café in a low golden glow, by the time they arrived. They chose to sit outside, keen to make the most of the unusual but welcome continued warm October weather and finally, to Ash’s relief, ordered lunch.

  “I could get used to this.” Ash rested her chin in her palm, the sun warm on her back. “And letting Gabe take charge for once is always good.” She smiled across the table to Nat.

  “You’ll have to get injured more often.” Nat returned her smile.

  “But next time I won’t have you to take care of me, will I?” Ash said, leaning back into her chair as their food and lattes were brought out to them. She hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t meant for Nat to hear the tinge in her voice, triggered by the reality that soon Nat would go again.

  “No,” Nat said, her smile fading in front of Ash’s eyes, “I don’t suppose I will.”

  “And it actually popped out?” Chloe said, reaching across to snag her panini. “Your shoulder?”

  “It dislocated,” Nat corrected, “not popped out.”

  “Same thing,” Chloe said. “And still totally sick.”

  “And still totally painful.” Ash smiled.

  “Is it hurting you?” Nat reached across the table and touched Ash’s arm. “You know I have painkillers on me if you—”

  “It’s fine.” Ash closed her hand over Nat’s. “Stop stressing.”

  “Ash is as tough as,” Chloe said. “I’m thinking a popped shoulder is nothing to her. Am I right?” She looked at Ash.

  “Well, I’ve had better experiences.” Ash pulled her hand from Nat’s and laughed. When she looked over, Nat mouthed, You sure? and she nodded, mouthing back, I’m sure.

  “So,” Chloe said, picking up her panini from her plate, “bummer about Mum’s letters, right?”

  “Completely,” Ash said. “Thanks to my falling halfway down a hill, we ran out of time to finish them all.”

  That was one of her biggest regrets, Ash thought as she glanced over to Nat—the chance to honour all eight of Livvy’s letters hadn’t materialized.

  “I thought we did okay,” Nat said, “considering everything.”

  “I thought we did more than okay.” Ash smiled back at her. She picked up her panini, its melted cheese oozing out of its sides, scooped some of the cheese out with her finger, grimacing at its heat against her skin, then plopped
a globule of it into her mouth. “I thought we did better than either of us could have expected.”

  “Mum said you would.” Chloe spoke through a mouthful of panini. “She was always right.”

  “You knew?” Ash’s own panini paused halfway to her mouth. “What your mum was planning?”

  Chloe nodded. “She told me.” Her voice sounded thick with food. “She wanted me to do it. The way she spoke to me about it…it was like it was the most important thing in the world to her.” She glanced at Ash. “Knowing you guys actually did it would have made her so happy.”

  Ash slipped a look to Nat.

  “And knowing how well you both got on would make her even happier. You want that?” Chloe pointed to Ash’s uneaten slices of red onion, then forked three up when Ash shook her head.

  “Well, I’m glad,” Ash said, swallowing down the tightness in her throat. “And now it’s up to us to make your one and only day here the best ever.”

  “And then, back to London.” Nat’s voice was quiet, and as Ash felt Nat’s level gaze, she sensed another utterance on the tip of her tongue. Instead, Nat remained quiet.

  “Do you have lots to do when you get back?” Ash didn’t want to speak the words. Didn’t want to think about it. “Ready for your move?”

  “Yes,” Nat said, her voice clearer and more firm this time, “I suppose it’ll be all systems go.”

  Ash bit into her panini and studied Nat as she concentrated on slicing her own panini in half. Her mind travelled back. They were seventeen, eating in a café such as this, about to part again whilst Nat took her three weeks in France with her parents. Happiness at being together in the sun—just like now—had been stained with sadness at their impending goodbyes. Just like now. Only back then, Ash always knew she’d see Nat again. Now? She just didn’t know.

  “But you two are totally going to stay in touch, aren’t you?” Chloe asked, apparently reading Ash’s mind.

  Ash looked over to Nat, seeking answers in her expression, but seeing none.

  “Are we?” she finally asked. “Can we?”

  “Ireland’s not far, is it?” Nat’s smile, Ash thought, masked the same unease that Ash herself felt.

  “No.” Ash forced the smile onto her lips. “I guess it’s not far at all.”

  “I mean, they have airports there and flights there, right?” Chloe said. “You should so go and see Nat once she’s over there.”

  Chloe, Ash thought, was doing a fine job.

  “Once I’m settled,” Nat said, “you must come and stay.”

  “Yes,” Ash said, “I should.” She paused. “I will. I’d really like that.”

  Nat held her gaze. “I’d really like that too.”

  ❖

  Nat wasn’t sure how she’d managed to get back to London without breaking down. She remembered nothing of her and Ash’s parting, except for their embrace, which had gone on for the longest time, neither of them apparently wanting it to end. She’d pushed to the back of her mind the look of longing and confusion that had been on Ash’s face, refused to even think about it each time it threatened to return to her. Instead, she’d relied on Chloe’s company to keep her thoughts from straying back to Cornwall, grateful for her incessant chattering and observations that took her mind off Ash and her desire to get off at each station and return to her.

  Nat put the key in the door of her apartment, pushed it open, then closed it behind her with her foot. She dropped her rucksack at her feet and stared out at the yawning space of her lounge. From her kitchen, her refrigerator hummed a low tune, whilst from outside came the muffled drone of traffic on the road. Other than that, the silence of her apartment consumed her. Nat wandered further into her apartment, her eye caught by the red flashing light on her answer machine, telling her eight people had left her messages in the few days she’d been away. The post, brought in by the same neighbour who had been feeding Smudge, piled up on a table that was already spilling over with the previous week’s unanswered mail.

  Nat sank down into her chair by the fire, kicked off her shoes, and curled her legs up under her. It was, she thought miserably, as though everyone wanted a piece of her when all she wanted was to be left in peace so she could be alone with her thoughts of Ash.

  She rested her head back against her chair and closed her eyes, tiredness setting in. Every time she closed her eyes, though, her brain chose to replay her kissing Ash, and her longing came back stronger each time. She opened her eyes again and the images fled, allowing her to focus instead on a small crack on her wall which she’d thought for years looked like a spider. Nat knew she’d instigated their kiss in the truck the day before, and she hadn’t been able to help herself. There had been something there, an intimacy between them that had grown slowly over the days, that had left her unable to resist Ash. The tension, every time their eyes had met, had been palpable, so Nat couldn’t be blamed for giving in to it, could she? Each glance they’d shared had pulled Nat closer to her, each touch had set Nat on fire.

  There was still something there. A spark. She knew Ash had felt it too, had seen the look in her eyes. There had been a heat in her eyes, a craving. A look of need and desire that had driven her crazy. Nat hadn’t mistaken it.

  The tiredness enveloped her again. The train journey home, the Tube from Paddington, the long slog down the street to her apartment had all exhausted her. London exhausted her. Since when had that happened? She hated it, hated everything about it: the traffic, the noise, the people. For years she’d endured the daily grind of life in the capital, but being in Cornwall had given her a glimpse of what her life could be like. Nat opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Belfast would be no different to this, she knew.

  Maddie was right: Nat had everything in the palm of her hand. An awesome job waiting for her with an inflated salary. So why wasn’t she happy? Because she knew she’d committed the cardinal sin. Thanks to Ash, Nat had experienced time away from her chaotic life and found she’d actually liked it, and then she’d let her mind run away with her, letting it take her to a place where traffic didn’t drone outside the window, where no one felt the need to contact her every five minutes, and where she could finally be herself.

  But she thrived on chaos, didn’t she? Or was that the old Nat? The one that used to throw herself into her work and London life as a way to forget just how lonely she was?

  Nat looked down as she heard soft feet shuffling on the carpet and saw Smudge blinking back at her. Just for a few days, she’d taken herself away from the bedlam that was her life and transported herself to a place of calm, and of wide open spaces where even pet rabbits didn’t need to be confined to a fourth-floor apartment with no hope of ever experiencing fresh air.

  She’d taken herself to Cornwall. To Ash.

  Nat reached over and stroked Smudge’s ears flat against his head.

  She’d given herself a snippet of what life could be like, and she’d loved it.

  “I’ve done a daft thing,” she said to him. “And I’m about to do an even dafter one.”

  Smudge’s ears pinged back up.

  “Want me to tell you all about it?” she asked.

  ❖

  Ash crouched at the water’s edge and picked up a pebble. She turned it over in her hands, smoothing her fingers across it, then skimmed it out to sea. She watched it bounce once, twice, three times, then disappear under a circle of foam with an audible plop.

  Watching Nat leave had been agony. Not even being able to drive her to the station had been agony too. Ash had had to watch Nat and Chloe leave her cottage, knowing they’d be going straight back to the B & B, then on to the station without her. Their embrace at her cottage had felt so different to the one they’d shared at Paddington the week before. There had been an understanding in it, a maturity that hadn’t been there before, but one which Ash was glad existed.

  Ash stared into the green depths of the water. She tilted her head to one side. Could she even call it green? Unthinking, she brought
her hand to her lips and brushed her fingers across them. Her brain let her think she could still taste Nat on them, could still feel her lips on hers. What was blue-green called? Jade. No, the water wasn’t jade. Ash stared harder, driving the memory of kissing Nat from her mind. Concentrate. What was the colour of the sea? Teal. Too fancy. She frowned. Why had she let Nat kiss her neck like that? Why had she then given in to her?

  Sea green. That was what it was. Ash jumped up, then kicked a mound of pebbles into the shallow water by her feet. Nat was gone. Ash had let her go, with promises of staying in touch, but without even trying to tell her how she felt about her, so now it was pointless staring into the dimpling waters thinking about their kiss or trying to make sense of anything any more. She turned, whistling for Widgeon, and began walking along the shoreline. She knew soon Nat would be away, off to her fabulous new life in Ireland, and all her dreams would be realized. Years of hard work would come to fruition, and their brief rekindling of whatever it was that had been rekindled over the past few weeks would be just a distant speck in her memory because Ash knew deep down that despite everything they’d said in the café the day before, she’d probably never see her again. Nat would be too busy in her new job to even give Ash or Cornwall a second thought. That was the way things happened, wasn’t it? Promises, promises.