If…
Because…
In order to...
When…
Since…
Or any other type of variation.
I have to feed my kids because…
“It’s my job as a parent, and I’m not going to let them starve. I love them. I want them to live.”
No shit, right? This is obvious. But the beauty isn’t what’s on the surface. If you stop here, you’re missing the point…
“I feed my kids because I love them and I can’t imagine my life without them. I’m so grateful for them. I can’t take them for granted, because they could be taken from me at any time. But for now, I have a choice to feed them. Because someone fed me when I was helpless as a kid, this is the reason I’m here now. I have to because I choose to play the game of giving and receiving, and this is what a giver and receiver would do. They would pay it forward out of gratitude, not out of expectation of return.”
Well now, ain’t that some shit? You’ve just turned an “I have to” into a profound exploration of your motivations of being driven by unconditional love and being a “giver and receiver.”
If you use “I have to” as a trigger to explore your motivations and conditions deeply, you not only can find out if your motivations are BS, but also if your motivations are genuine and something to be grateful for. Not a bad game to play, right?
Figure out the conditions that make the “I have to” true for you in this moment. With awareness of the conditions, you may then ask, “Is this always true? What is another truth? Is this the only way to meet this condition? Is there a better way?”
“I have to smoke this cigarette if I want to feel relief right now.”
Is this the only way to meet this condition of feeling relief, or is there another possibility?
“Well… I guess I could take a minute to mediate, and that might bring me relief.”
What if there is no other possibility you can think of? You may try, “If there is a possibility, what would it be?” “Can I allow myself to be open to new possibilities even if I can’t see one that exists right now?”
This will help you discover if there are other better “apples” you may eat besides the ones you’re eating. Apples that are available if you just choose to reach up and grab them from the tree.
Granted, this is often more easily done with a coach. If you’d like to explore your possibilities with me, you may contact me to see if my coaching is currently open and if I’m taking on new clients. Send an email to [email protected] Subject: “Coaching availability”
You’re Wrong
Many people who are addicted to their slavery are really saying the following…
“I have to in order to avoid taking personal responsibility, so I can keep blaming my circumstances, and because I wish to remain a slave to letting my mind and fears choose for me instead of choosing for myself.”
Crazy, right? Who in their right mind would think that?
The answer is nearly everyone – myself included, at times. At the very least, you will regularly be tempted to play the slavery game.
Your “right mind” wants to be right all the time. This is why it will look for any way it can avoid taking responsibility for being wrong. Slavery, by rejecting personal responsibility, is really saying, “I don’t want to make a mistake, and since mistakes are unavoidable when making choices, I choose not to choose. I choose to avoid being wrong by letting other people and things, including my mind and fears, choose for me. Then I can blame them.”
The “choosing not to choose” game is useful for never being wrong. As soon as you accept responsibility for your choices and free yourself from enslavement, you accept personal responsibility for being wrong. Whether you ever actually are wrong or make a mistake might be debatable, but it sure feels like there’s a risk of it being wrong whenever you are going to make any choice.
So what if you’re wrong?
What’s wrong with being wrong?
Your decisions don’t define you, correct?
So even if one says, “You ARE wrong,” it really just means “your choices are wrong.” You are a “chooser,” but you are not your choices.
But Derek… You can say what you do doesn’t define you, but doesn’t doing something wrong, by logical definition, make you a “wrongdoer?” It’s not right, by definition, to be a wrongdoer. I wouldn’t be OK with this! I’m so scared of being wrong! It’s against everything I stand for!
Yes, mind, being wrong does mean you’re a wrongdoer – from one point of view. However, I can play a game you can’t… I can be OK with not being OK. I can make it alright to be a wrongdoer. After all, don’t we all make mistakes? Aren’t we all wrongdoers? I can choose to play the game of forgiveness and perhaps find wrongness isn’t what is wrong. Maybe if I choose forgiveness… choose to see we’re all fallible human beings with minds that play games and addictions that drive us, then perhaps in this unity as wrongdoers, I’ll find the feeling of connection that I haven’t been able to get from all these other games I’ve been playing. But I must choose to play this game without you, mind… it’s not a game you know how to play. I’m not even sure if forgiveness is a “game” at all.
Is it so wrong to be “wrong?” To be a “wrongdoer?” To lose and be a “loser?”
What if I proudly say, “I’m a wrongdoer! I’m a loser! I’m a failure! I’m a mistake maker!”
Who gives a shit!?
Aren’t all these things true for you too? Don’t we share good company with everyone else on the planet if we’re losers, wrongdoers, and failures? Just think, you can say, “That Derek guy that wrote this book is a loser too, and that dude’s a total badass, so I guess it’s not such a bad thing to be a loser!” #LookAtTheBrightSide
Are we bound by these things, or are we something more than these labels? Are you something more than who you “be?” Are you something more than even your identity?
Why does one reject “being wrong” or being a “wrongdoer” if it’s a label that can apply to anyone?
If you hold onto pride, a game of the mind, that needs to make you “right,” then someone or something else must be “wrong.” A master and slave paradigm looked at a whole other way.
But remember, there is no master. The person who needs to be right is now more enslaved than ever. They are enslaved by the shackles of the fear of making a mistake. They must project “wrongness” on to everyone else, including their own mind, in order to maintain a feeling, an illusion, of “rightness.”
Yet it’s futile, because their game will eventually make them “wrong” at some point whether they want to be or not. They will certainly be wrong by another person playing the “right vs. wrong” game.
Right vs. wrong. Winning vs. losing. Success vs. failure.
How often are these things, in fact, bullshit? True in some ways, total illusions in other ways.
You have many choices. However, avoiding mistakes is not a choice you have the privilege of making. Your brain is an assumption-forming and meaning-making machine with inherent biases that will eventually cause you to err in your judgement. The sooner you can embrace telling yourself “I’m wrong, and I’m a wrongdoer” and not make yourself wrong for it, the sooner you’ll be free from your bullshit.
One side of society says you must win to be a winner. Second place is first loser. They label based on outcome.
Another portion says, “Let’s get rid of games where there is winning and losing because it hurts kids’ self-esteem. Let’s not label based on outcome, but rather let’s say we’re all winners no matter what.”
One side is attached to labeling based on outcome, another side resists it. Could they both be full of shit?
Those who label on outcome may be driven to win at all costs and believe this to be a good thing. Through their hard work, they do win the games and become “winners.” Then they recognize their own success, and this makes them work even harder. They work their way to the to
p and become champions. Seeing themselves as champions, they know they have unleashed their greatness, so they become proud.
Then they fall. They always fall. Their winning and being a “winner” kept them from striving to unleash even more of their greatness, and this was their downfall.
Those who make it not at all about winning and losing accept all for their inherent greatness. No one is defined by the outcome of the game. Some people are naturally better athletes, but others are naturally better scholars. They realize they don’t have to do anything to be great, they just are great. They settle for mediocrity because this doesn’t hinder them from recognizing the greatness within, so even in their mediocrity they become proud.
Then they fall. They always fall. Their acceptance of being “great,” as is, kept them from striving to unleash even more of their greatness, and this was their downfall.
Each side is recognizing a truth. Each side is ignoring a truth.
Outcomes matter. Good intentions aren’t enough. Play to win. Let competition and limitation be resistance that strengthens you. Others will try to destroy you if you don’t reject their game. Let fear of losing make you smarter, better, greater.
Being matters. Intentions are the root of everything. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. Failure doesn’t define you, you define you. You don’t become great, you recognize you already are great. Greatness is within you now should you wish to unleash it, and unleashing means you must give others the recognition of their greatness. It’s about being great together, and not dominating anyone else.
Which side is true? Which side is false? Is neither side true? Are both sides true?
What if your identity is one who “strives to do right,” yet recognizes that you will sometimes do wrong?
What if your identity is one who “strives to gain knowledge,” yet recognizes that there are many ways you’re still ignorant?
What if your identity is one who “strives to be grateful,” yet recognizes that you’ll still fall into expectation and resentment?
What if You are beyond not only what you have and what you do, but even beyond who you’re being in any moment?
What if who you are isn’t who You are? What if who You are is more than who you are?
I say this…
Be hungrier for improvement than approval. Be hungrier for lessons than successes.
To be OK with being wrong, and yet still striving always for constant improvement, is the foundation of Growth Mindset, a concept popularized by Carol Dweck in her book Mindset.
In the next part of the book, we’re going to really focus on how to both be a badass as well as constantly striving to be even more of a badass without letting the fact that “you’re a badass” go to your head. We’re going to balance both truths of “You’re great as is” and yet “Greatness is what you do.”
How To Be Even More Of A Badass, Do Even More Badass Shit, And Have An Even More Badass Life
“It’s my modesty that makes me such a badass. It’s the fact that I always remain humble by not letting anything go to my head that is the reason I’m kind of a big deal.” – Derek Doepker
Most of my friends can tell you, this is exactly the kind of thing I would say.
A reason I write books on how to overcome pride and be humble is because, let’s face it, I’m just a little more humble than everyone else, and people need to learn a lesson in humility from me. #JustSayin
I’m joking, of course. The whole writing about pride thing is partly my own therapy because I can be full of myself and get caught up in pride like anyone else, but I’m not that full of myself.
Yet there is a paradoxical truth to the idea that it’s one’s humility, vulnerability, and restraint that actually gives them great power and makes them “kind of a big deal.” It has been scientifically shown that admitting your mistakes and showing your flaws, when combined with demonstrating great value and accomplishments, can make one more relatable, likeable, and better able to develop greater rapport.
Just showing the world how much your shit is jacked up won’t work. Just acting like your shit doesn’t stink won’t work either. Having a combination of the two is where it’s at. It’s about having some of each.
Sometimes you need to experience physical weakness for a little bit to have greater physical strength. Sometimes in relationships you need to be weak and vulnerable, so people go, “Oh, they’re just like me!” and then you gain the power to connect with them and help them. You gain the “strength” of likability, connection, and influence.
Of course, if you cling to vulnerability, like going to one side of a slingshot and never releasing it, by only talking about how imperfect and flawed you are, the connection is lost. People go, “What does this person have to offer? Their life is more screwed up than mine! I better stay away so their bad luck doesn’t rub off on me.”
So think about this for a moment…
Many people are trying to demonstrate how perfect they are and avoid being wrong and exposing their wrongness to others, and yet it’s this very act of exposing one’s flaws that allows one to have a deeper connection with the very people they want connection from. It’s like wanting to be stronger, but never lifting a weight for fear that lifting the weight will make one weaker. It’s short-sighted. It’s actually required to get weaker to get stronger.
Not only that, but ask yourself, why would you want everyone’s approval? I love all people, but I sure as hell don’t “like” all people. I most definitely don’t want to be around all people out there.
A mask is worn for fear of people seeing the “real you.” Yet even if you choose to wear a mask, some people won’t love your mask. Some people won’t relate to your mask. Your mask will disconnect you from ever having truly fulfilling and connected relationships, and the need for connection is the very freakin’ reason you’re wearing a mask in the first place! #YousCrayCray #ButImGuiltyToo
What if you took off the mask knowing some people will find the “real you” ugly, and others will find the “real you” beautiful? Wouldn’t you want to hang out with the people who think you’re hot stuff and avoid the people who think you’s nasty? If you can’t choose to please everyone, would you rather choose to please the people who actually love you, or the people who only love the mask you’re wearing? That mask was getting all sweaty and nasty anyway. #LetThatShitAirOutForOnce
Those who have embraced their own imperfections will often be willing to embrace yours. Trying to make yourself appear perfect to these people is silly because they already know you’re flawed just like they are.
There will be those who judge you for your flaws, and they are usually people who haven’t accepted their own flaws. The funny thing is, those people often end up being total a-holes that are so wrapped up in their own BS that you wouldn’t want them in your life anyway.
The more you expose your imperfections to show your genuine self, the more you’ll attract people who genuinely love you. The more you hide your true self, the more you attract other fake people. Since you won’t please everyone, you must ask, would I rather have what’s genuine or what’s fake?
By now I hope it goes without saying that everything about your relationship with others relates to the relationship you have with yourself and vice versa.
Willingness to admit you’re not perfect and be OK with it is one part of growth mindset. “I’m not OK now and that’s OK. Who I am now, what I’ve done, and what I have doesn’t constrain me. I am beyond all of that. Mistakes have been made and will continue to be made.”
Your logical mind can accept failure as part of a feedback process. This isn’t a new way of thinking. It’s how you started out. A baby is by default in growth mindset.
Does the baby go, “Welp, I fell for the third effin’ time. I’m done with this shit! Walking just isn’t my thing. Not sure how all the other babies do it… they must have better parents. Dammit if only I could afford to hire better parents. Those r
ich babies have all the luck.”
Or…
Is a baby, rather than using its mind to make itself wrong, asking “What did I learn? How do I correct this? What else can I try?”
The baby craves feedback. The person dedicated to unleashing their greatness, who also has this mindset of growth, also craves feedback.
What does this look like?
YOU’RE WRONG!
“Great! What makes me wrong, and how can I do better?”
If the words “you’re wrong” strike you with any type of negative emotion, this is where your lingering “fixed mindset” is holding on tight.
A fixed mindset is bullshit. A fixed mindset says this is the way things are, and I must keep things this way.
Telling a kid they’re stupid leads them to adopt this identity. Then guess what? They do stupid things.
Praising a kid for being smart leads them to adopt this identity. Then guess what? They do smart things… and only smart things… which is stupid.
The “smart” kid will only do the things that make them feel smart – the things they excel at. If they try something and feel like an idiot, they go, “This can’t be right. I’m smart, but I can’t figure this out. I better not even try. It conflicts with my sense of identity.”
Replace “smart” with any identity trait of your choice.
“You’re so considerate.”
Is “considerate” a good thing? What if the person now takes everyone’s needs into consideration in place of or in addition to their own, then they’re overwhelmed with trying to consider everyone’s needs, taking on too much responsibility, and now they’re in over their heads and can’t consider anything because they reach the point of “Screw it all! To hell with everyone! Argh!!”
You see, “fixed mindset” is like fixed breathing (here we go again). Breathing is “good” until… well you know the rest.
Everything in this universe is changing, so the idea of anything being “fixed” is inherently false. It’s a useful mind game so we think, “If there have always been four seasons, and it takes 365.25 days to rotate around the sun, I’m pretty sure nature isn’t going to throw in an extra random ass partial season and 87.9264 days next year just for shits and giggles. Things will probably remain constant.”
Break Through Your BS_Uncover Your Brain's Blind Spots and Unleash Your Inner Greatness Page 18