Ascending Shadow

by Church K Calvert

  “Sorry. Yes, sir. You’re a family man and want to take care of your family.”

  “Well, my newly acquired son is very sick and I do not want him subjected to the public’s ridicule because of his sickness. Now, rumor has it that you can help me out.”

  “I think I can. . . Is he dying? Because that might be harder —”

  “No, no. He’s not dying. . .” Franklin paused, “In fact, would you like to meet him?”

  Not thrilled at the idea of the company of children, I hesitate.

  “Come on, I’ll introduce you,” he said, once again putting a hand on my shoulder to lead me to our destination.

  We walked the hallways until we entered a large playroom filled with toys, TVs, game consoles, movies, books, everything a child could want. A woman sat in the room, not regarding anything, reading a book.

  “Susan, if you could give me and my friend here a moment with Andrew,” Franklin said to the woman, who silently rose and left the room.

  At a small table in the corner of the room, I could see a boy sitting with his back to us. He appeared to be playing with blocks of some sort. He made no noise and did not acknowledge our presence as we walked across the room towards him.

  “Hey, Andrew, I want you to meet a friend of mine,” Franklin said, placing his hand slightly on the boy’s shoulder. The boy moved his shoulder away from Franklin. This action perplexed me. I advanced to the other side of the table, opposite Andrew, and sat down in a chair barely off the ground. I surveyed Andrew. He appeared about seven or eight years old. He had long hair that hung in his face, concealing his eyes, but he avoided eye contact with me and continued moving his blocks around in no particular fashion.

  “Andrew has low functioning Autism, he doesn’t speak much, does not like to be touched. . . We don’t take him in public because he freaks out.”

  “I’ve never heard of this sickness,” I replied. I raised my hand a little and reached out for him, “May I?”

  “Yes, of course. He might struggle, but do what you have to.” Franklin said.

  I reached toward Andrew, increasingly nervous as my fingertip brushed his hair. I had barely made contact with his skin when he reached his hand up and placed it on mine.

  I was immediately projected into a different realm. It was like awakening in my tranquility place except this place was childlike and magical, like an outdoor play paradise. The floor was bouncy, there was a huge treehouse, food and candy everywhere. A running stream with a rainbow of colors in the water. The air smelled of freshly baked cookies. Animals of all sorts roamed around; there was everything from rabbits to unicorns- the ultimate child fantasy. Andrew was bouncing on the turf next to me, holding a tiny rabbit.

  “This is where I come to play,” he said and began laughing. He ran around in circles with his arms outstretched and the animals followed him and cuddled up to him. He petted each one lightly, then ran toward the stream and splashed in the water, causing colors to cascade through the air and make gigantic bubbles that began to float away. I approached the stream and dipped my foot in. The water didn’t dampen, it just gave warmth and a feeling of peace.

  “No one ever comes here to play with me.”

  I looked at him and stood in awe of this oasis of magic.

  “Dani,” Andrew said, tugging on my shirt to get my attention. I knelt down to face him, “She is looking for you.”

  “Who’s looking for me?”

  “Peyton. She’s looking for you. You forgot about her.”

  Suddenly, darkness swept over everything and we were back in the room, next to Franklin. He was grabbing Andrew, who jerked away from him to be freed.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he said, as he released his hold on Andrew, “I just didn’t know what to do, you guys were sitting there without moving for almost ten minutes, I thought something happened.”

  Andrew resumed playing with his blocks. I realized I still had my hand midair and slowly placed it on the table. Something he said swam in my mind and I grasped for it, focused as hard as I could to grab hold of it before it escaped.

  “Pen, pen, give me a pen!” I demanded from Franklin, he quickly pulled a pen from the inside of his jacket pocket and handed it to me. I took it to my arm and focused as hard as I could on the word or words I was trying to remember. I scribbled three letters on my arm: pay.

  I stared at the letters for a moment, then several more moments, but they meant nothing to me.

  “Well. . . ” Franklin said, interrupting my silence, “Is this part of the process? Did you fix him?”

  “What?”

  “Did you fix him? Is he fixed? Is he going to be normal now?”

  “No, I didn’t ‘fix’ him,” I replied.

  “Well, are you going to be able to?”

  “No.”

  “No? Why not?”

  “Because there’s nothing wrong with him,” I said.

  “What do you mean there’s nothing wrong with him? Look at him,” he said, gesturing toward Andrew, who continued maneuvering blocks, paying Franklin no mind.

  “There is nothing to fix.”

  “I see,” Franklin said with a sigh, then sidestepped to see what I had written on my arm, “Ah, I see.”

  I quickly concealed the writing on my arm, realizing what he must be thinking.

  “What is your price? You say you cannot fix him, fine. However, I need this problem to go away. What will it take?” he turned away from me as he began to pace about the room, “Dani, I try to keep a history of all the people that work for me, study them, know where they come from. You have a well-kept past. Your ties are practically non-existent. You don’t speak with your family, no friends, no passions to pursue, no lovers. well, at least no current interest. So, tell me, what is it that you want? What drives you? Is it money? Drugs? Women? All of the above?”

  “Nothing,” I said, “For years, I have not had the opportunity to begin to think of what I might desire. I haven’t had the opportunity to even figure out who I am. What do I want? What do I need? What do I love? You want to know why? Because I have something inside of me that has cruel desires. It needs all of my time; it requires all of my energy to try to keep it hidden, and to keep it satisfied. I am tense every moment of every day trying to contain its chaos, yet it gets stronger every day, and it becomes more of me than I am of myself.”

  Franklin paced the room, staring up into the empty air, processing my words. He nodded his head as he turned to face me, “Dani, have you ever thought for a moment that the reason it gets strong and the reason it’s taking over your life is because you‘re suffocating it. This flaw you have, maybe it’s not meant to be hidden. It’s meant to be used. Tell me, how does it feel when you unleash it?”

  “It’s the best feeling I’ve ever felt.”

  “Then why do you resist it?”

  “When it does what it wants, it hurts people –”

  “You hurt people; do not regard it as if it is not you.”

  “I. . . I hurt them, and I don’t want to hurt people.”

  “But you do want to hurt people. Let’s be honest. Why should we hide behind what people claim is moral or right. There is no right in this world. Every single person feels the way you do. It makes them feel good. The people who don’t, they have just reprogrammed their minds to make them believe that they shouldn’t. Every person on this planet has the ability and desire in them to kill someone. Everyone wants power over something. No one wants to be a victim of someone else’s ability to express their power over them. Look at Caro. Do you think the men who hurt her lose a wink of sleep at night? No, they don’t care. At least they didn’t until Caro showed up at their doorstep and shoved a shotgun up their ass and blew their fuckin’ brains all over the goddamn ceiling. Do you think what she did was wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because they deserved it.”

  “You think so?�
�

  “Absolutely.”

  “Well, I got news for you, Dani. We all deserve it.”

  I stopped and looked at him.

  “Why are you trying to right the wrongs that you cannot change? We cannot redeem our wrongs. You think if you help the poor, feed the hungry, and save a life, it makes up for your sins? It doesn’t. Nothing changes this world. We are all born bad, the only thing we can do is embrace who we are. This flaw of yours, did you ask for it?”

  “No.”

  “No, of course not. Yet, you carry the weight of having to hide it to make other people’s lives easier. What about your life, what about what you want? Stop hiding who you are and embrace it. You want to hurt people, I can make that a reality, and you will never pay the price of punishment. Whatever sins you wish to indulge in, I can make them happen, and know that you never have to be ashamed and you never have to hide.”

  “I don’t think I can —” I said, looking over at Andrew.

  “It’s fine, don’t worry about this. I’ll take care of this. You’re not ready for something like that yet. Your dark side has been starved. Let’s get its appetite a little whet. I’ll line up some jobs for you, jobs I think you’ll enjoy. Just do me favor: Do not continue taking that medication; and if you need anything else, you ask me.”

  Chapter Five

  Entertaining Your Demons

  Heeding Franklin’s advice came more naturally than I expected. It was like removing a mask I had been wearing my entire life. I was finally able to breathe fresh air. I no longer had to pretend I wanted to be good. Caro hesitated to accept me letting go of the control at first, but when she became properly acquainted with my shadow, she reveled in its essence. Franklin was right. I didn’t owe anyone anything and we are all in this world fighting for power. The difference was that power was something that I already had- better, it was a power that no one could take away.

  One night we had a job pinning some drugs on an unsuspecting group of politicians aiding the campaign against Franklin. They were having an organization meeting at one of their supporter’s houses and party members were invited to join. As the other party supporters cleared out, we lingered behind, waiting to make our move. That was when the night took an unexpected turn- it would have been wise to run, but we didn’t.

  We corned them in the study and my shadow overtook them. There were three men. Three of a kind, all of them middle-aged, white men who swore they’d have us arrested, demanded to know if we knew how much they make a year, and if we knew who they were. I laughed at them as they attempted to display their power and prestige to us. We had them kneel down next to each other in front of a coffee table with their hands behind their back, Caro pointing a gun in their general direction.

  I poured piles of cocaine in front of each of them, lots of it. I squatted at the table opposite side of them as they glared at me.

  “Do you know what this is?” I asked, pouring a little pile for myself. I diced the pile up and made a row with a credit card, then reached for the man sitting in the middle’s jacket pocket, “May I?”

  I grabbed a pen out of it, unscrewed and disassembled it, leaving nothing but a hollow straw, then I ran the hollow part of the pen across the pile and snorted the line. Adrenaline swept through my body.

  “See, it’s easy. Your turn,” I said, passing the straw to the first man on my left.

  “Fuck you! You don’t know who you’re fucking with! I’m —”

  My shadow ejected from my body and grabbed the back of the man’s neck, then began draining the life from him through its grip. I put my hand across my chest and pushed it down.

  “Slowly,” I said. My shadow loosened its grip, “Who are you? You’re nobody.”

  The man began to gasp for air; his eyes turning red as blood vessels began to burst, and sweat began to run down his forehead.

  “What the hell are you doing to me?” he said, coughing as blood splattered across the table. Droplets shot into the white pile in front of him, creating little concave pink craters in the pile.

  “More,” I commanded my shadow, who once again inflicted its poisonous touch on the man. He wrenched in pain. The other men looked at him, horrified.

  “What are you doing to him? Stop!” One man said.

  “I’ll stop when he does what I say.”

  “Okay. . .I’ll do it,” the man said, grabbing for the pen in pain.

  “Excellent,” I beckoned for my shadow to come back, but it pranced about the room, running its hand over the other men, stealing fragments of their well-being. It even glided over to Caro.

  “Not her!” I said sternly. It cowered away from her and returned to the men.

  Each man, one by one, took up the pen and ingested the white powder laid out in front of them. After they were finished, the man in the middle exclaimed, “There. We’re done! Will you leave us alone now?”

  I pretended to be taken aback by his outburst, “Oh my, no, sir, you’re not done,” I emptied another pile in front of each of them, “Again.”

  “I can’t do anymore of this shit!” he shouted, obviously feeling the drugs take effect.

  “You can’t? Caro,” I said, holding out my hand. She handed me her gun. I flipped it in my hand and swung the butt of the gun across the man’s face and into his jaw. It hit with a thud and blood splashed across the table once more. He yelped out in pain, struggled to open his eyes as he regained his composure and glanced at me through gritted, bleeding teeth. Two teeth in his front lower jaw had come loose and one in the top had been knocked out. He grabbed the straw again and began to ingest his second pile.

  Caro laughed at my actions in the background. I laughed too. Each man glared and obeyed as they snorted line after line, exhaling between in an attempt to disperse the remains onto the floor. They writhed and moaned as they consumed it and shook and twitched as it took effect.

  “Now, I’m not one to judge, but I think you guys have a drug problem,” I said, laughing. They simply glared and tried to keep their mouths shut, “You guys did enough to kill a common drug addict like me.”

  They glanced at each other, horrified. I could see their distraught expressions and worry setting in.

  “Just don’t freak out. You have to keep your heart rate low or it could stop,” I said, “If I were you, I would go see a doctor immediately. Anyway. . . we’re going to go. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

  We casually turned to exit. The man who had remained silent the duration of the night stood up and shouted, “You’re going to pay for this!”

  I pulled out the gun, cocked it, and pulled the trigger.

  “No, I’m not.”

  We sat in my apartment later that night. Caro glanced in the refrigerator to determine if there was anything edible. I was busy on my laptop, checking my bank account.

  “There’s literally not a damn thing to eat in this apartment except a hot sauce packet, and I’m pretty sure even that is about to turn.”

  “Yeah, I need to get groceries.”

  “You. . . uh, went a bit off script tonight.”

  “Yup.”

  “I think Franklin’s going to be a little pissed.”

  “You think?”

  “Well, yeah. That was fun as fuck, but reckless, even by my standards.”

  “What was the payout for tonight?” I asked.

  “Two thousand.”

  I turned my computer around to show her my balance, “He just paid us five thousand each.”

  “Holy shit!” Caro said as she pulled my laptop towards her, “Hell, fuckin’, yes.”

  “Right? Nothing to worry about.”

  I strode across the room and collapsed onto my mattress on the floor on the living room. No sheets, just a comforter and a couple pillows. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, blowing smoke up into the air above me. Caro made her way from the kitchen and onto the mattress where she laid down next to me, then reached over my shoulder and grabbed some
thing.

  “What’s this?” she said, pulling a book from a box behind my head. I glanced at what was in her hand. One of my great-grandmother’s journals, “Is this one of the books you were talking about?”

  “Yeah, that and those under it are them.”

  She flipped through the pages and read small sections while she laid on her back, becoming immediately engrossed in their content. I disregarded her and escaped into my thoughts, drifting away to sleep.

  When I awoke, after what I assumed to be several hours, she was still there. She had several of the journals laid out and stacked on one another.

  “You’re still here,” I said, half asleep.

  “Yeah. . .” she said, as she found a stopping place, “This is some intense stuff. Reading this is like reading you.”

  “What do you mean?” I said, getting up to grab my pack of cigarettes from the kitchen.

  “The stories she tells about her family reminds me of your stories. Her husband sure was a piece of shit and her son wasn’t any better. The men in your family, I swear, are so twisted.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “Look at this,” she said, sliding toward me, “One time her grandson came over to visit, and she found bruises all over him and his arm was broken. Hello, where the hell was CPS? Anyway, she healed him and found out less than two weeks later that he had been beaten again by his dad. Like this fuckin’ kid had it rough. His dad beats him, his grandfather molests him, just disgusting.”

  “Yeah, the whole family is deranged, that’s why I like to keep my distance.”

  “I can relate poor Christian.”

  Heat shot up my spine and I felt drenching sweat overcome me. My hands shook and a familiar hue of red overtook my vision. I dropped to my knees, trying to calm my shadow as it attempted to escape.

  “Caro, you need to leave as fast as possible.”

  Caro did not argue, not even for a second. She knew better. She heeded my command without hesitation and was gone in seconds. Once I heard the door shut behind her, I let it out. Darkness overtook the entire room like a sheet of black smoke. A condensed energy erupted from me as my shadow wreaked chaos on my apartment. It grabbed one of my great-grand mother’s journals from the box by my mattress and began shredding it, it threw things, it broke things, punched things, it clawed at its skin, and screamed. I let it release its rage on everything. It was so angry and sad. Once it was done, it cowered in the corner with its knees to its chest. Never before had my shadow seemed so absolute, so separate from me, and fully formed. It was like being in the room with another person. It did not retreat back inside me, so I went across the room to retrieve it.