Ascending Shadow

by Church K Calvert

  “I think you’re a good person, Dani, deep down.”

  “Oh, see, you confuse me. You see, that’s what’s wrong. I am not a good person and I know this. Do I do good things? Yeah, I do, every once in a while. It makes people think I’m secretly a good person because they have no expectation from me to do anything good. A broken clock is still right twice a day, but me, I’m not good and I like it that way. The people who are good, who spend the majority of their day doing for other people, caring for other people, and taking care of other people, will only be judged by the moments they are not a good person. That good person will be deemed fake because they are not perfect. They will be defined by their rare mistakes. That’s why it’s so good to be bad. There is no expectation. You have nothing to lose. As a good person, your reputation can be stripped from you in an instant.”

  “That actually makes complete sense,” Caleb replied.

  “You seem like you’re good all the time though, so I wouldn’t worry about your reputation.”

  “You really don’t like believers, huh?”

  “I don’t mind. I just hate religion.”

  “Well, I’m not religious. I’m a Christian.”

  For a moment I thought there was some sort of earthquake occurring as my body began to shake. Then I saw it, the crimson. Red flooded my vision, my heart began to pound, and my hair stood on end. Then it took over. I crossed my sticks and flung them outward knocking both of Caleb’s out of his hands.

  “Whoa, I wasn’t expecting that. That was pretty good. Dani, are you oka —” came an echo of Caleb’s voice through the red and black.

  I took one step, planted one foot, and vaulted the other into Caleb’s chest. The intense force I used was only magnified by my shadow’s strength. Caleb’s feet left the ground as he flew back, smacking onto the mat hard. He rolled over and attempted to get on his feet, gripping his chest in pain. I grabbed him from behind and put him in a chokehold.

  His life drained slowly into me, it was so sweet, so delicious and pure. He grabbed at my arm in an attempt to remove it. As soon as he touched it, it seared the flesh on his hands and he let go.

  I felt him crouch and then felt my body become airborne as he flipped me over his back and my spine bounced off the floor. I turned to face him. He reached to his side and grabbed one of his fighting sticks.

  “I’m sorry, Dani.”

  He swung hard and the wooden stick was a dead on shot to my temple. Lights out.

  “Oh, Danielle what have you done?”

  I opened my eyes and brightness surrounded me. I adjusted to it and stretched my arms above my head, as comfort entangled me.

  “What do you mean?” I asked Anarah, recognizing her voice at once. She stood at the side of my resting place, glancing down at me sadly.

  “You’ve tampered with your soul in the mortal world.”

  I sat up and dismissed her distraught mood. “You want to see something I learned?” I asked, and pointed to the side of the bed. She glanced over to a small end table that had manifested next to the bed with a fish bowl and a small beta fish swimming around.

  “You’ve learned about transformation?” she asked with a hint of lightheartedness.

  “I have,” I said with a smile, “Except that was supposed to be a goldfish. Still working on it.”

  “What did you do to your soul?”

  “Nothing, I’m just keeping the bad part in a safe place.”

  “You are suffocating it,” she said, narrowing her deep green eyes.

  “Anarah, I feel like you yell at me every time I’m here. How about if we start with a ‘Hey, how are you?’ I’m great. Thanks for asking.”

  “This is not a joke, you are hurting a part of you and — “

  “I will fix it when I can,” I said with frustration, “I just need it for now. One thing I also need is an answer from you.”

  “If I have the answer to give, I will give it to you.”

  “I need to know if someone has been removed from my mind.”

  “I do not have that answer to give.”

  “What does that mean? Do you know? Do you not know?”

  “If you lose someone, I lose them as well. However, I do know or knew that something lingered here. However, not with the self of you that I see. It lies with your other half. I cannot access it at this time because you have it tied up somewhere.”

  “Lingers how?”

  “There was a feeling of almost. That moment before you remember something you had forgotten. That smell that takes you back to a time and place, but not a who or a why. A touch that you can almost feel, but not see.”

  “That is what I am trying to find,” I said, dangling my legs over the end of the bed sadly, “I feel those things. I always assumed it was because I was damaged, but now I’m starting to think I lost something. That my mind erased it, but why? My grandmother mentioned intentionally removing people from her memory. I wonder if that’s what I have done. Maybe it’s not something that I’m supposed to look for. I want to resist my instinct to search it out, but the mere idea of the thought causes this unusual pure feeling to pulse through my veins. I think it’s one of the closest things to happy I have felt in a very long time.”

  “If it is meant to be found, it will be, Danielle.”

  “Danielle, Danielle, Danielle,” I heard whispered over and over again, too close in proximity to my face. I cracked open an eyelid to see Caleb in my face. I pushed my hand towards him to get him to back up.

  “Caleb, please get away from me,” I said.

  “Sorry. Of course,” he said, stepping back.

  “I knew this was a terrible idea,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” I was sincere in my apology. Caleb was nothing but nice to me, I had no intention to hurt him. Avoid him? Perhaps, but not hurt him.

  “Oh, don’t even worry about it. Law fixed me right up. Plus, you seem to be doing better. How do you feel?”

  “I’m fine, but really, I need to leave.”

  “Leave?” Caleb repeated with despair.

  “Yeah, where’s Law? I’d like to say goodbye and at least thank him for breakfast,” I said.

  “He’s downstairs talking to some doctor.” I whipped my head towards him.

  “Doctor? What kind of doctor?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve seen her before, but he’s never introduced us. They’ve known each other for years. It’s his ‘secret friend’” he said with air quotes, “This is the first time she’s come inside.”

  “It’s a woman?” I asked, trying to stifle my intrigue.

  “Yeah. . .” he said slowly.

  I looked towards the door, “Could you stay here a bit? I’d like to talk to him alone, if you don’t mind.”

  “Sure,” he said, throwing up a hand, “Well, at least be sure to say bye to me before you leave.”

  “Yeah, of course,” I replied, exiting the room and cautiously making my way downstairs.

  They were seated in the main living area facing each other. They seemed to be having a low, yet heated discussion.

  “That is not what she needs, it will not help,” said the woman.

  “How do you know? This could be the only thing that helps. I may not have been around her much, but she is so lost. She is so consumed by anger and revenge. She has no light in her life.”

  “I know her better than you, she needs to get better first. You, this place, can help her. She will just be a distraction. Danielle’s not ready for that. If we put that on her before she’s ready, she will do what she always does and run.”

  “You really think she would?”

  “I watched her do it.”

  “I don’t know,” Law said, running his hand over his forehead, “I’m worried about what she’s capable of, to be honest. No potential has ever scared me the way she does. I want to help her, but I can’t if she won’t let me.”

  “She needed to go t
hrough all of this. If I talk to her —”

  “When did I ever listen to you before?” I asked out of the darkness.

  The woman simultaneously stood and turned toward me. She seemed to attempt to resist her emotional response to seeing me as her eyes glazed over and her mouth curled in the corner of her lips with a hesitant smile. I walked toward her. She looked me over.

  “Danielle.”

  “Joyce,” I smiled.

  She embraced me and I returned her embrace, finding safety and familiarity in her touch.

  Chapter Eleven

  Roots

  Law exited the room, giving me and Joyce time to talk. Her affection toward me was much like that of seeing a wayward niece or nephew after a stint in jail. A shake of the head and worry, but also love. I had saved her daughter’s life. I could understand why she would have such affection toward me.

  “I’ve heard you’ve been getting into all kinds of trouble,” she said, leaning on the side of the couch with a cup of coffee in hand as she glanced at me.

  “Me? Of course not. Did Law tell you that?”

  “Law?” she asked, then slapped her thigh, “Oh right, you mean Lawrence.”

  “Lawrence?” I asked.

  “Yes, that’s his real name. Believe it or not, I do not call him Law.”

  “No? Does he call you Dr. Joy?” I asked with false curiosity.

  “Very funny. No, he doesn’t. I’ve always kept tabs on you.”

  “I’m flattered.”

  “I heard what you did to your Uncle, the District Attorney, the jobs you’ve done, the drugs, the women.”

  “Ha ha, well you’re wrong there.”

  “What about that girl, Carolina?”

  “Our relationship was sadistic and mildly sexual at times, but really, we just worked together. That was, until she shot a hole into my stomach and almost killed me.”

  “You started your Mortal Nights.”

  “Yup, I’m all grown up now,” I replied with a smirk.

  “Oh, how I missed your sarcasm.”

  “I knew you would. So, tell me, Joyce, what brought you here?”

  “I wanted to see you. To see if I could help.”

  “Help with what?” I asked, setting my cup of coffee on the table and glaring toward her.

  “Help you with what you’re going through. Try to help you find some direction. There is a lot you can learn here, Danielle. These people are amazing and have overcome the kind of things you are struggling with.”

  “No one has struggled with what I am struggling with.”

  “Yes, not the exact same thing. Danielle, do you not want a better life? Do you not want control and the ability to positively wield that power ’s inside you?”

  “I’ve already found a solution. Franklin helped me. I’m better.”

  “That is not better, Danielle. You have people in this house scared to death of you –”

  “As they should be! There is something evil inside me and it’s not my shadow, it’s me! I hate this world, I hate everyone in it. I hate how everyone leaves, how you can’t trust anyone, I hate the looks on their faces, I hate everything about everyone,” I said, standing up. Joyce hung her head and shook it lightly from side to side, “I am so fucking tired of trying and everyone wanting me to get better. I can’t! I can’t do it! I was made bad. I’m supposed to be bad. I’m the villain. There is not enough good in me!”

  “That is not true!” Joyce shot back, getting to her feet as well.

  “Then why do I like hurting people? Why does it make me feel good? Why did I hurt that District Attorney and enjoy it? Why did I kill Abel? Why did my mom have to die?” As the last sentence escaped my mouth, my voice began to crack, and my legs gave way from beneath me. Joyce wrapped her arms around me and sat me back down on the sofa.

  “I know,” she said, running her hands through my hair. She lifted my head to look at her. I gazed at her through a blurred vision. “Danielle, do you even know what you did for me? You saved me, and you saved my daughter. You changed my world and hers. You gave us a second chance. That good exists inside you. I have seen it with my own eyes and not just in that instance. Even if it is the smallest seed, that seed can grow into something beautiful. You aren’t bad. Does darkness exist in you? Yes, it exists in everyone, but you need to look inside yourself and determine if that is what you want to be. It does not matter how great or small the darkness is. We all have a choice of whether we feed the light or the dark, what we allow to grow in us. What are you going to choose, Danielle? It’s easy to live in the darkness, but like I once told you, I know you are fighting for the light. You have to keep fighting.”

  I lifted my head slightly, “But what if I can’t do it? What if I just turn back into the same person I am today?”

  “You will fall, you will backslide. You might wind up here again or worse off. No matter what point you are at in your life, you have to decide whether you are going to give up, and give in. You have to decide if you are going to be defeated or if you are going to beat back the storm time and time again until you are the one who ultimately controls the storms. You need to be resilient and strong, and those are the two things I’ve seen in you more than any other person I have encountered in my life. I know you have it in you, you just need to harness that strength.”

  “You’re much nicer when you’re not my doctor,” I said, wiping my tears.

  “Well,” she said, wiping a stray tear from her own face, “I have an unusual soft spot for you.”

  “So where do I even begin?”

  “Stay here a while. Work with Lawrence and the others. See what they have to offer. I know everyone’s road is not the same, and maybe you won’t connect with everyone or anyone here, but I truly believe that you will gain something, if not a lot, from them. I’ve worked with Lawrence for years on several cases. He’s no doctor, but he has an understanding of life I’ve yet to fully grasp myself. He can help people like you put their lives back together.”

  “What if I hurt someone?” I asked.

  “That’s one of the reasons I want you here. Lawrence can be that safety net you need for now. If you hurt someone, he can heal them if you are not able. He can help you develop that part of you.”

  “You think he heals the same way I heal?”

  “Maybe not exactly the same, but I know he has helped people get in touch and control all kinds of gifts, whether he possessed them or not.”

  “I’ll try. No promises.”

  “That’s fine. That’s all I ask.”

  I took a long sigh, “Anyway, how have you been? How’s your daughter. . . What was her name?”

  “Uh, Stephanie,” she said quickly, “Her name is Stephanie. She’s good. She was able to start back at school and finish her hours as a teacher’s assistant. Now, she’s looking to get a job in Crosswoods, that’s where she was TA-ing, and they seemed to really like her there.”

  “A teacher, huh? I bet that job sucks.”

  “Not as much as being a psychiatrist,” she replied.

  “I never understood your sense of humor,” I said, laughing. “I wonder if I’ll ever have a normal job.”

  “Well, one of the requirements for living here is working. Lawrence will place you in a job.”

  “But I hate working,” I whined.

  “Danielle, you don’t even know what work is. You’ve never had a job.”

  “Yes, but knowing the little I know about Law, I will be working in an old people home, a hospital, or like feeding the hungry or disenfranchised youth.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  It turned out to be working with old people. Yes, cleaning up after old people, janitorial work, helping in the kitchen, and feeding them. I hated it. Compared to the thousands I could make in one night, the minimum wage I brought home gave me no aspirations for future possessions or vacations. I calculated that if I worked my full forty hours a week and spent z
ero dollars, I would have enough to buy a plane ticket to the other side of the state.

  Law sensed my disgruntled demeanor, as I joined him in an empty common area for our first session together. He had all the furniture pushed back and two yoga mats laid out next to each other on the hardwood floors.

  “You seem dissatisfied,” he said as I sat down.

  “In what part of my lifestyle is it that I would find satisfaction?” I asked, “Is it waking up at five thirty every day, living with ten other people- most of whom I can’t stand- cleaning up shit all day, having no money, having no possessions, or being a psychopath?”

  “Perhaps it would be having a warm meal every day, the company of people who care about you, a roof over your head, and employment. Your job is important, the way you do that job matters. You want to be a better person, you want to lead? You must first learn how to serve. You need to learn to connect with other people. You need to learn compassion and how to empathize.”

  “I would trade all those things to just go back to my old life,” I replied, “Also, I’m not saying I don’t care about anyone here. I don’t dislike Caleb. “

  “You don’t dislike Caleb?” Law repeated, laughing, “That’s the best you can give me?”

  “So far.”

  “Okay, well, that’s a good place to start, because it is important for this gift to manifest that you embrace that compassion. I’m sure Caleb would be more than happy to volunteer. Caleb!” Law shouted up the stairs. Moments later, Caleb came bouncing down the steps. “Caleb, how do you feel about giving Danielle a hand with her training?”

  A nervousness rushed through me that he might decline, considering our last encounter. He was the only person I had any connection with here and I did not want to be alone.

  “Oh, of course,” Caleb said and sat himself down next to me on my mat without hesitation, “What are we doing?”

  “Well, it appears that of all the people in the house Danielle finds you the most tolerable,” Law said.

  “Oh,” Caleb said with a small laugh, “I’m honored.”