In Search of Happiness

by Nicky Roth

  Getting up to pour himself a mug of tea and to close the door to keep out the draught, Darcy could not help wondering whether it had been Elizabeth Bennet's wisest idea to send the book after all. He appreciated her thoughtfulness, but then again, he did have to question whether he himself would have thought of something like this had one of his servants been ill. Darcy, without praising himself unduly, knew he was a very considerate master, but no, he in all likeliness would not have done so despite knowing that basically, all his servants knew how to read. In this instance, it was close to an admission that Miss Bennet and he were by now better acquainted than they should be.

  But on second thought, Darcy consoled himself with what he had heard about the Bennets, and that they were in general very considerate and though not mingling with their servants, always treated them kindly and with respect - as fellow creatures and not a commodity taken for granted. Perhaps he should not ponder on John's general sense of being treated unfairly. What was the point anyway?

  Despite his resolution, he decided nonetheless to find out more about the boy. With many young servants in their first position, it was nothing more than being severely homesick that made them such timid and generally unhappy creatures, and as it was, he had not heard of any relative of John's living nearby. If he had to venture a guess, judging from the lad's accent, he was not from around here. If he thought about his own first months at Eton, he had a pretty good idea what went on in the boy's head and heart. Perhaps, once he returned back home, he could do something for him.

  Taking the first sip, Darcy was pleasantly surprised to find that the tea was stronger than the servants' usual brew and the next pleasant surprise was, that the volume sent by Miss Elizabeth happened to be Defoe's “Robinson Crusoe”, one of his boyhood favourites. Ha, and indeed, he had not read it in a good while, though he had always meant to do so yet never got around to it. - Until now and by sheer coincidence!

  Chapter 26

  You cannot believe in God until you believe in yourself.

  - Swami Vivekanada

  'What are you looking for, Lizzy?' Mary, normally not one to be fussed with goings on around her, startled her as she looked through the books sitting on the shelf in the sitting room. Those were the books that their father did not value as much as the ones he kept in his bookroom and thus had banned from his retreat along with the ones that she and her sisters had accumulated over the past few years.

  'A book,' Elizabeth replied evasively.

  'I recommend you read ”Watson's comments on the Ten Commandments” then. I have just now finished it,' Mary replied with an important mien, holding out said book for her.

  'Admittedly I was looking for something a little more adventurous and exciting.'

  Mary huffed indignantly and put away her volume before disdainfully pulling out Defoe's Robinson Crusoe.

  'Adventurous enough?' she asked testily all but flinging the book into her older sister's hands. 'I really do not understand how any of you care so little about serious works when they are most beneficial in forming the mind of a young lady. Life is far too serious to spend our short time on earth reading through such trifling works.'

  With a small sigh Elizabeth caught Mary's eyes before remarking kindly and with a cheeky grin on her face: "And I do not understand why you always take things so seriously, Mary. Do you not think that us enjoying our lives as best as we can is the greatest compliment we could pay God for his marvellous creation? To cherish what we have, the beauty that surrounds us, to revel in each other's company, and laugh as much as we can - not at other's but with them?"

  For a moment Mary looked confused and her almost habitual frown had softened a little until a moment later it was firmly back in place.

  'You, Lizzy, can afford to be cheerful and light-hearted, but not all of us are gifted with beauty enough to be forgiven such follies,' she replied bitterly, her mouth set in a firm line. 'Some of us have to work for their praise.'

  Elizabeth was stunned and her first impulse was to pull her younger sister into her arms had Mary's attitude not absolutely forbidden it. Instead, all those afternoons preparing for a ball came to mind and the endless compliments Jane and Kitty as well as herself on occasion received from their mother while Mary was merely granted an acknowledgement that she at least had tried to make an effort to look half-way presentable. It was not that their mother loved Mary any less than her other children, but her sister was right, Mrs Bennet took pride in her for being so meticulous in her pursuits of acquiring accomplishments and not in her beauty or calm temper. It seemed that this distinction had left a mark and it was painful to see once one noticed it.

  Yes, Mary was the plainest of them, and though excessively pale she was still a fairly pretty girl with even features, a sensitive mouth, surprisingly dark eyes that gave her a somewhat exotic look, and though her hair was rather mousy in colour, every time the sunlight caught in it, it had the most beautiful streaks of gold in them. Though she had a willowy figure, Mary always came across as being a bit gangly instead of graceful as she did not take much care of her appearance or posture.

  At the same time, Mary was little inclined to have others help her nor was she willing to alter her ways to become more approachable and amiable. But as of yet, she was not a lost cause; or at least that was what Elizabeth dearly hoped.

  It also suddenly occurred to her how William, or rather Mr Darcy, must have felt when deciding to hide away in the country for a few weeks. Whereas for her sister, if it would have even been possible for a lady to do so, she would have likely needed a while longer to realise that occasionally it might do her well to relax a little and just enjoy life instead of taking everything so seriously as she did at present; to step back for a while instead of diligently following a routine that obviously gave her little enjoyment, if one looked but beneath the surface. It also showed good judgement on his part actually, to know when a change was in order. Not many people were willing to change and even fewer would do something as drastic as he had done. Ha, it was hard not to admire him for that alone!

  Consciously she turned the book over and over in her hands long after Mary had left her to her own devices, deep in thought. Was it wise to let her guard down now that she knew who he really was?

  With a decided sigh, Elizabeth stepped back into the hall at long last and went in search of John. Since he usually was to be found in close vicinity of the kitchen, it was not all that difficult and sure enough there he was, trying to look busy polishing a lamp. Or if one wanted to more accurately describe it, he was presently spreading the soot onto its surface more evenly. Well, it was not as if Hill had not complained multiple times already about his tardiness and it was only due to the fact that he had nowhere else to go, that as of yet neither her father nor mother had had the heart to dismiss him.

  'John?' she addressed him, making him whirl around on the spot in the process.

  'Yes, Miss Elizabeth?' was his stammered reply at being caught dawdling.

  'Could you please bring this over to William? And also some tea? I heard he is ill and had to keep in bed today, so I thought he might be in need of some entertainment...'

  With rather beady eyes the lad looked at her, taking the book from her with some hesitancy before bowing his head and stalking off, giving Elizabeth the feeling as if she had just now made a massive mistake. And perhaps she had. Had it really been wise to send the book? Darn, she had not thought how it might look and while they had always taken care of their servants, perhaps this had been a tad too much attention. She should have thought about the difference in caring for a sick person by taking care of his basic needs when being so and paying attention beyond that like providing entertainment for him. Now it was too late. Where on earth had her good judgement gone? She had always been proud of having good judgement and now this!

  Chapter 27

  Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.

  - Bruce Lee

  The next morning, the world looked s
o much brighter again and the sore throat was nothing but a slight scratch at the back of his throat. So far, so good. The fever was gone as well and though Darcy still felt more tired than he normally did, he was still eager to get out of bed and back to work. It was still very early and as yet no-one stirred and so, swinging his legs over his narrow bedstead, he got dressed and went to fetch some water for all of them to wash. A routine now so very familiar to him it was almost inconceivable to think that only a few weeks ago it had been a completely different routine that had made him re-evaluate his life. It had been a good decision however, and he dreaded the day he would have to return to his old life and re-enter society. It was quite silly really, but true. Just being able to be himself was a blessing he had not known since he had been a boy. Here, he was in no danger of finding himself entangled in an engagement of some sort or another that he did not want, especially of the marrying kind.

  Well, not that he did not want to get married. He knew he was of an age where it slowly but surely became necessary to settle down and start a family if he wanted his line to live on, but as of yet no woman had ever managed to captivate him. Though actually that was not true anymore, there was hardly a moment when he did not think of Miss Elizabeth: her intelligence, wittiness and beauty.

  Despite the fact that he had little to do with her due to his position, his feelings grew daily. It was from the little he did know about her alone, that he was suddenly aware of what he had been searching for in a wife all along. A woman with intelligence and a kind heart, with wit and an opinion of her own; as she was also very pretty, especially her sparkling eyes surrounded by long and thick lashes that made them stand out even more, it didn't exactly help quench those feelings of having finally found what he had been looking for all those years in society.

  But despite her now knowing his true identity, there was no way he could court her as yet. No, he would have to go back and if necessary, take Netherfield himself in order to do so if Bingley should decide against it. This was his one chance of happiness and he would not give it up. However, he had to go slowly. Another week or two here would not hurt his cause, or at least so he hoped. Besides, he was needed here presently and to let Peters and the others down was not a thing he could do in good conscience.

  Searching through his knapsack for a fresh pair of stockings, since the ones he had been wearing the past few days were in desperate need of a wash and truth be told quite smelly, appallingly so to be even more precise, he found something he had quite forgotten. Something that upon unpacking his things had slipped right down to the bottom of his meagre bundle of belongings but now surfaced. Her shawl! The one she had forgotten on the stile three, well almost four weeks ago when he had first met her. It was almost like a sign. A good one at that.

  After wearing rough clothing for several weeks now, to hold something as soft and delicate as this felt rather strange where before it would have been the other way around. Yes, it had taken some days to get used to the rough cambric shirt and donning the old and grimy clothes each and every morning, not to mention lacking the luxury of changing one’s undergarments more than twice or thrice a week. Surely, Miss Caroline would be appalled and the thought was actually quite pleasing.

  With some self-deprecation, he grinned before finally dressing. He had been dawdling around for long enough. By now the others were up and ready as well and it was time to go.

  Darcy, after neatly tucking the shawl back into his knapsack, once again, made his way over to the house along with the other lads to break his fast and then set out to work, and as usual the first chore of the morning was to rake the driveway.

  'I see you are better again,' Peters remarked. 'Good!'

  'I am, Sir. And I am very sorry to have fallen ill.'

  'Ah, but you had a nice long lie-in hadn't you?' John piped up. 'Must have been nice to just idle around and read a book all day long.'

  'It did help to pass the time and I'm very thankful for it. And yes, the rest did me good,' Darcy calmly replied while sitting down.

  'Idle around indeed,' Smith chimed up with some indignation. 'He was ill John, and when you were ill last winter, you were just as much allowed to stay in bed as any of us.'

  'Yes,' Fanny added, 'and you were ill for more than a week, not just a day.'

  'I was ill, what was I supposed to do?' John flared up rather unreasonably considering his former statement.

  But just when Darcy thought all was well again, he caught the boy's glare and with a dangerous calm in his voice, John added: 'By the way, I have posted the letters to your sister and cousin.'

  Cup half-way to his mouth, he stared at the youth, whose face now sported an almost evil smirk. Blast, John knew! Being the youngest, he was by far the quickest learner, perhaps the one thing he was fast with.

  No, that was unkind. Darcy well knew that John might not have a person in the world who cared much for his well-being other than his work-fellows and such behaviour, though unpleasant, was often necessary to survive under such circumstances.

  'Thank you, John, I greatly appreciate it,' was his gracious and very careful reply.

  'La, it wasn't as if he hadn't to go to Meryton for Mr Bennet's letters anyway,' Martha remarked with a small shake of her head that indicated that she too, thought the boy to be rather petty.

  'Yes, and even if there hadn't, he still would have had to go into town to hand in Smith's orders,' Leah seconded her.

  John only looked at both with a defiant expression on his face, seemingly well aware that he was the least valued of the servants but as yet too green to grasp that this was mainly due to his own behaviour.

  Chapter 28

  The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.

  - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  Darcy had barely worked for half an hour when upon turning around, he spotted his little companion once more scurrying across the lawn and towards him. It really was curious that such a shy animal should attach himself to him so thoroughly and so with a small smile, he bent down to greet Prickler. He had actually missed the little hedgehog over the past day. Such a trusting little animal, just like Brutus his dog.

  'William, may I have a word with you?' Peters suddenly spoke up behind him, his voice sounding decidedly stern.

  'But of course, Sir. Is something the matter?'

  Turning around, Peters did not look all too comfortable, shifting from one foot to the other.

  'Well, the thing is such, you know, with you having left your previous position due to a woman... - this woman was not by any chance Miss Darcy? The sister of your former master?'

  With all colour draining from his face, all Darcy could do for the moment was cling onto the rake in his hands. His game was up, or so it seemed unless he came up with a reasonable explanation...

  'No! No, of course not!', was all he managed to say in reply and fortunately not without indignation.

  And indignant he indeed was if only from sheer bewilderment. However, Peters seemed perfectly happy with this answer, for though it was still early in the day, a satisfied grin lit up his face.

  'Good, I thought it was utterly ridiculous when John told me that you had written to Miss Darcy. Miss Darcy! You know, he doesn't like it very much when others get something he doesn't because they put in more of an effort. He'll learn eventually, I hope, that appreciation is to be earned and as yet, I haven’t seen you set a toe out of line.'

  By now Peters was close to laughing from sheer amusement, an emotion Darcy could not quite share at this point, though the relief of being safe from detection for the time being and so easily at that was almost overwhelming. He had gotten away with it but with John if not knowing, but at least suspecting something, there was no telling how long it would last. He could trust Miss Elizabeth, of that he was certain, but that lad was an altogether different matter.

  With still slightly shaking legs, Darcy continued with his work only to shortly stop again after meeting a bright pair of eyes.

  'Goo
d morning, William, how are you this morning?'

  'Much better, I thank you, Miss Bennet. - And also for the book you sent over. It allowed me to pass my time quite agreeably.'

  A soft laugh was his reward making his heart once more beat just a little faster.

  'I had hoped it would. Being ill is never very pleasant and so it had occurred to me that you might enjoy a little distraction from feeling poorly.'

  Now he had to laugh: 'That, Miss Bennet, was very aptly put and I have to confess that I did bask in self-pity if only a little. It might surprise you but most men are pitiable creatures when sick and usually deal with it in the most pathetic way possible.'

  'Are they indeed? Who would have thought? I will keep that in mind, William. With my father preferring to suffer in silence, I have to admit I have not much experience in that respect. Ah, and I see your little friend is back as well. He was missing you yesterday and looked quite lost without your company, scurrying through the park in search of his companion.'