Bittersweet Hate (Bittersweet #3)

by J. L. Beck

  “Clay Matthews is a fucking beast.” He yells at the television.

  My eyes are glued back on my phone as I scroll over the dates. Today is the 24th, and I should’ve had my period a week ago. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I cannot be pregnant with a baby Winchester. CANNOT.

  I text Jenna our secret code that we made up back in high school, its code for I’m seriously fucked. In my case it’s literal.

  “Get that sassy ass over here.” Corey demands as I put the phone down. A nervousness ticks in my body. What If I am? Corey isn’t ready to be a dad, hell I’m not ready to be a mom.

  I take the seat next to him. I feel myself withdrawing from Corey. This was the hurt I was telling Jenna about. Sometimes there are things that can happen that aren’t within our control. Those things can either bring you together, or break you apart.

  A loud banging sounds on our door. I roll my eyes, getting up to answer it.

  “Who the hell is that?” Corey asks me, concerned that someone might be dying from the amount of pounding occurring on the other side of the door.

  I open it and am nearly plowed over by a red faced Jenna who’s out of breath.

  “You code texted.”

  “Nu Huh.”

  “Yes you did, ‘Marshmallow.’ See it’s right here.” She says handing me her phone.

  “We really should change that word.”

  “Shut up, what’s going on?” She asks.

  “Hey Jen,” Corey yells over his shoulder.

  “Oh hey,” She responds. It’s so weird to see them interact with one another so casually. They went from hating, and bullying to normal. That’s real forgiveness.

  “I’m pretty sure… I have a problem. I’m a week late on shark week.” I say hushed.

  “What are you guys talking about?”

  “Oh, nothing. Just the fact that Shark Week is on next week.” Jenna says blandly lying. I will give her credit though she did say it with a straight face.

  Corey looks at us confused, “I thought Shark Week was in August?” I look at Jenna fearful that he may figure it out. Corey may seem dumb, but he’s smarter than he looks.

  “Uh, it is. Re-runs duh.” She plays it off well, with a laugh.

  “Oh. Okay. I guess.” His attention is then directed back to the game.

  “Not good Mimi, not good at all.” Her tone is filled with disappointment.

  “Hello! I know it’s not good, I’m the one that has to carry this thing.” My voice is hushed, I’m afraid that Corey may find out before I know if I am or not.

  Jenna looks at me as if I’m dumb. “So let’s go get a test?” My nervousness spikes. I don’t know if I want to. I know I need to but that doesn’t mean I want to.

  “I’m scared.” I whisper to Jenna, not wanting Corey to hear. Her face softens instantly. She knows that not much of anything scares me, but the thought of one day losing Corey, and possibly having a baby both scare the piss out of me.

  “Well, let’s go get a test then. Stop standing here wondering and let’s just figure it out.” Her tone is so matter of fact, and the way she deals with this situation has me in a state of awe.

  “Corey, I’m taking Mimi with me to the store. I have a couple thousand things to get.”

  There’s a passing moment of silence, where I feel like I’m lying and when he looks at me he’s just going to know. He turns around and looks right at me. I force a smile onto my face.

  “Have a good time babe.” He yells, facing back towards his game. I can feel the sweat on my brow. Never in my whole life have I been able to lie to that boy, he can usually read me like a book.

  I tell Jenna to hold on a second while I go slip on a pair of sweats, and grab my purse. I catch my face in the mirror, and let out a big breath. What if there is a tiny baby inside me growing? Flailing around without a care in the world?

  Could I handle being a mother all on my own? Could I care for someone when I can hardly care for myself?

  “Let’s go Mimi.” Jenna bellows at me. For a whole minute I let the shakiness go. God has a plan for everything sometimes I wish he would be a little bit clearer about things.

  ***

  After spending the whole day with Jenna shopping I came back to the house, slipping through the door knowing that Corey wouldn’t be home. Which was great, no way could I pee on this stick with him in the room nearby.

  I slipped off my sandals, put the bags on the table and looked at the Walgreens bag that contained the answers to my future. It was like a fortune teller. Except I had to pee on it to get the answer I needed. Sigh, just get it done and over with I told myself.

  I pulled the test from the bag and walked to the bathroom. How bad could it be; it would either say pregnant or not pregnant? I went in did my business and set the stick on the counter. The three minute wait time was the longest three minutes of my life.

  I looked all over the bathroom anywhere but at that damn test. Then the second three minutes passed my gaze slid over the test. The word ‘PREGNANT’ blinked back at me in the little box. I stared at the screen a moment longer than needed, suddenly finding myself sinking to the floor. There was no fucking way I could do this alone.

  I grab my phone and text Jenna telling her the news. My head is spinning. How am I going to tell him, how am I going to tell my parents. I’m only nineteen I can’t have a baby. Abortion and adoption aren’t answers for me though. I could never follow through.

  My phone starts ringing. I look down at it frazzled, noticing Jenna’s name on the caller id. So I hit the answer key.

  “You’re kidding right?” She huffs into the phone. I can hardly comprehend what she’s saying. I’m pregnant. I’m fucking pregnant and I’m going to be alone and I…

  “I can’t do this Jenna… I have no one. Corey won’t be able to do this… he can’t handle it hell… we can’t even handle each other. We’re not stable enough to do this Jenna.” I say panicked. What am I going to do? I don’t even have a job. I don’t even... I’m just a fucking college student.

  “Just breathe for a second, you haven’t even told him or talked to him about it. Who knows what he might think.” Jenna talks about Corey like she really knows him, and honestly she doesn’t at least not like I do.

  “You don’t understand. He doesn’t want a baby…” She cuts me off before I can finish.

  “It doesn’t matter if he wants a baby, there is one, which means buck up, or get the fuck out. You’re having a baby, and if he wants to keep his balls he’s going to need to step up.”

  I stare off blankly into space, hearing her words but not taking note of them. I’m scared, and alone, and I don’t know if I can do this right now.

  “He has a right to know Mimi, and you’re going to tell him.” Her demanding voice echoes through my mind. I don’t respond to her, because I know he needs to know. I need to be the one to tell him but that doesn’t mean I want to.

  “You’re going to be fine Mimi. I have your back, and I’ll be here for you.” She says softly.

  “You’re my best friend Jenna, not my baby daddy. You didn’t get me knocked up.” I laugh harshly at my own pitiful excuse of a joke.

  “Don’t do anything crazy Mimi. Don’t run, or make an irrational choice.” A smile creeps onto my face pulling me from my thoughts. She knows me too well.

  “You know me well, but it doesn’t help the fact that all I want to do is run. I want to run away from these emotions I’m feeling.”

  “Well you can’t… Plus why the hell were you not using condoms?” I roll my eyes at her comment. Since when did she get to act like my mom?

  “Well Mom…” I reply my words heavily laced with sarcasm. “It wasn’t an initial thought at that, particular moment. I didn’t expect to have sex with him and then once we did have sex it just kept happening. Neither of us thought to stop and do something. I take responsibility for my actions and believe that everything happens for a reason, I just wish God would have waited till after college to drop a baby in my lap.”


  “Yeah well you didn’t exactly inhibit him from doing so.” Jenna laughs gruffly at me.

  “Whatever… I’m still scared Jenna.” The words leave my mouth, just as I hear the lock on the door clicking into the unlock position.

  “I have to go.” I whisper fast, hanging up and cutting off whatever Jenna was going to say next. The door opens, and Corey walks in except he’s not alone, and I can’t help the complete look of disgust on my face when I take in Chelsea’s hideous smile.

  “You didn’t tell me she would be here?” She purrs at him. Corey’s eyes never leave mine as he closes the door behind him.

  “Go get your shit and leave Chelsea.” He grits out not even looking at her.

  I glare at him as he advances on me causing me to step back and trap myself into a corner of the kitchen.

  “If you touched that Corey I’m done.” He smiles, a full blown panty dropping smile, which would have me dropping mine right this moment if I wasn’t so full of emotions.

  “Are you jealous?” He asks, his finger skimming across my bottom lip. I gaze up at him pissed off with myself for the response my body had to him and then even more pissed that, that bitch is here.

  “Nothing to be jealous of, she comes nowhere near to the type of woman I am.” My voice is strong but inside I’m dying. I’m completely jealous, and scared. I’m afraid that she could pull the one thing that is a weakness to me away.

  “I got my stuff, will you walk me back down stairs.” Chelsea says, coming out of his room with a bag. I cringe as her eyes eat up his body. The way she looks at him is the same way I look at him. Like he’s the world, like everything revolves around one singular thing.

  “Nah. I need to talk to my girl here, you can show yourself out.” He responds, his eyes never looking away from me even though I’m watching her. Her face morphs from shock to disgust as she shoots daggers at me.

  I hear her heels click across the floor and the door click closed before I raise my eyes back up to his.

  “What was that about?” I ask ready to accuse him of just about anything. Every relationship needs trust. Clearly that is something Corey and I need to work on.

  “I had some of her shit, I wanted it gone. I wanted her gone; now she has absolutely no reason to talk to me.” He mumbles picking me up and placing me on the edge of the counter. I can see how fast this is going to go from talking, to kissing, to touching, and before you know it all that will be heard are his grunts and my muffled cries. As amazing as that sounds we need to be focusing on something else: The itty bitty thing in between us that he’s not yet aware of.

  His lips find mine, as he coaxes them open allowing himself inside. I try and pull back but he holds me in place nibbling on my bottom lip.

  “I love it when you get a jealous and pull out the claws.” He whispers against my skin.

  “We need to talk…” I try and say, but all that comes out is, a moan mixed with words. His tongue swirls around just under my ear; his teeth gently nip at my earlobe. Even though I’m trying my hardest to fight against him I can feel my inside turning into a puddle. I can feel my core igniting into a fiery inferno waiting for its release.

  “Corey…” I whimper as he pulls away to remove my pants and his. When he pulls his pants down I look down taking notice of the fact that one he’s not wearing undies, and two, he’s fully erect and definitely waiting for me.

  “You like what you see?” He asks, pulling my ass to the edge of the counter. My hands instinctively reach out to his chest to balance myself. We stare into one another’s eyes. Watching one another’s emotions swirl with the others, reading each other as if we’ve been lovers for years. Our bodies call to one another’s and for one moment I allow my hands to explore his body. There’s no urgency to be done, and I know this will be as far from fucking as Corey will ever get. He wants slow and steady, passion and love. He wants to show me how much he loves me. With his hands, tongue, and well you know…

  He prods at my wet entrance, pushing in so slow that it burns me… Our eyes never leave one another’s as we gaze deeply into each other. With each slow torturous stroke I feel the love, the peacefulness that I bring him.

  “I…” Stroke. “Love…” Stroke. “You…” Stroke. “Mimi.” Stroke. “Jones.” Stroke. He continues with his pace and I lean my head against his shoulder my teeth biting into his flesh. He makes me feel raw and gritty like a wound that keeps opening because it’s continually rubbed.

  “I’ll always…” Stroke. He pulls out... and rubs me gently between my folds. I let out a loud screech my lady bits feeling way over sensitized. I sit back confused as to why we’re stopping and then I remember nothing. The confusion, sadness, and being scared is all forgotten, and all that remains is the things that Corey can do with his teeth and tongue on my clit.

  I scream out, my release hitting me hard. I come not once, not twice, but three times on his face. He feasts on me, as if I’m an ice cream cone. It’s sensual, his tongue scraping against me as his fingers dig into my thigh, as he holds my legs into place. He keeps pushing me over the edge. I reach out trying to pull myself from his hold, the pleasure almost turning to pain.

  “No… I can’t handle anymore.” I pant, trying to close my legs. He nips hard on my clit and my legs instinctively come apart. I can almost see the smile on his face.

  He gives me a thorough lick and comes back up holding me firmly against his chest.

  “Did you come?” I ask yawning.

  “Shh...” He says putting his finger to my lips. My eyes fall closed as I feel him lay me on the bed. All I can think about is if he’s this gentle with me how would he with a baby, our baby?

  Baby Got Back

  When I awake the next morning I’m surrounded by enormous warmth, and Corey’s loud snoring. I roll over into his body, and muffle my laughter as I take in his open mouth, and drool dangling from his lips. Even in his most dishelmed manner he still looks like a million bucks.

  I take this time to look him over, drinking in every curve of his body. Looking at him is something I could do every day all day long. He’s an edible master piece with his mangled brown locks, and deep brown eyes. He’s built like a house, and has the muscles to prove it. Once my eyes reach his face, I see two brown orbs staring back at me.

  Automatically I blush, because one I have been caught and two how long has he been watching me. Jesus.

  “Hey, don’t be shy about it. I love it when you admire what’s yours.” I smile; knowing that all of this will be short lived. Worry must show in my eyes because he pulls me in closer to his body.

  “I need to tell you something.” I say, pulling back from his warm embrace.

  “Go ahead.” He retorts, a worry wrinkle forms on his forehead and I know after I tell him what I’m going to that there is just absolutely no way he won’t have more of those.

  I take a deep breath, telling myself that I can do this.

  “Don’t freak out, but…” I take a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” I softly say, it’s almost so soft that it isn’t heard. However from the bulging eyes and mouth dropping Corey is doing I know he’s heard me.

  “Are you sure? I mean how does that even happen?” His mind looks blown, and his voice is panicky. I can see it; I know what he’s going to do. He’s going to run, just like I was.

  “Well… you stick your thing in me, we go to down without protection I might add, and then abracadabra you have a baby.” Sarcasm drips heavily from my words.

  He looks up at me then back down at his hands. When his eyes land on mine again, it seems as if he’s looking right through me. I’m losing him, I just know it. I reach out to hold him in place hoping that my touch will make him stay.

  “We can do this Corey. We love each other, I mean we have done some pretty bad shit to one another but this is a blessing. Our blessing.” I grab his hand putting it on my midsection. Praying he can see through it all.

  He pulls his hand back as if he’s been stung. A look o
f disgust mares his face. “I don’t want a baby Mimi. I don’t want anything. I can’t… I can’t be a dad. I can’t do any of this with you.” He pulls away, rolling out of bed.

  “You got me pregnant. This is your responsibility too. If you think for one fucking second you can leave me and walk out on us you better pray I don’t find your ass. Step up Corey. I tried to take it easy on you, but this is real. This baby is yours.”

  He laughs, not the kind that would cause butterflies to flutter in my stomach, but the kind that makes me feel like acid rain is washing over me.

  “I’m not cut out to do this with you. How do you even know if you’re…?” He hesitates obviously not knowing how to approach the world ‘pregnant’. “How do you even know you’re pregnant?” He spits out.

  I roll my eyes at him, because seriously if he has to question that… I feel myself wanting to lurch out and punch him.

  “Well, my period never showed, so I went and bought a test, peed on it and it said congratu-fucking-lations you’re going to be a mommy. However, I wish it would have come with a damn manual on how to tell men.” I know I’m not being very serious about the situation, or the fact that it seems as if he’s shocked, but come on what do you expect when you have sex without a condom?

  “I get that… but this… it can’t be real.” He mumbles slipping into his pants.

  “Well it is… very real. In roughly nine months a baby is going to be here.”

  He shakes his head as if trying to make the situation go away. As much as I know he would like it to it’s not going to go away, it’s never going to be the same now. I can feel him piecing the walls around his heart back together. He’s shutting me out and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

  Tears prick to the surface as I try my hardest not to let them fall. “Don’t shut me out Corey. I can’t do this alone.” I try to make my words sound strong but can’t with so much weighing on me.