Lie to Me

by McAdams, Molly

  I glanced up at the man who had just been in the kitchen, hugging Lala and talking to Hannah, and was hit with a flash from my past—from that night.

  Standing in that exact spot as he’d pushed me into the kitchen, trying to get me away from where my mother had lain, just feet away from us. Taller, broader, and looking every bit a man rather than the teenage boy he’d been, but there was no doubt in my mind that this was Nick.

  “Holy shit,” he breathed. “You really are back.”

  I took a step away, trying to put distance between us, but he just continued staring at me as if he were looking at a ghost.

  “Fuck, I, uh . . . wow. Last time—”

  “We don’t need to talk about that.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  My stare darted around. Uncomfortable with this and uncomfortable with the knowledge that the other girl Reed was seeing was a dozen feet away from me.

  I swallowed past my pain and focused on turning it into anger. “We really don’t have to do this,” I said when the silence between Nick and me stretched on even though his stare remained expectant.

  Especially because I’m seconds from asking you to confirm what I overheard.

  “Look, I’m sure seeing me is hard because of that night. Trust me, it’s weird as fuck seeing you when all I can think about is your mom returning from the dead and cussing up a storm.”

  My chest pitched with a muted, pained laugh.

  “But you being back changes things for a lot of people I care about, so I think it would be good for everyone if we tried to start over on a clean slate.”

  I didn’t want a clean slate with him.

  I didn’t want anything from him.

  He was a cop. He was Reed’s best friend.

  I just wanted to grab my bag and get out of there, but he was standing in my way of the stairs.

  I glanced at him before quickly looking around us, nodding as I did. “For Lala and Nora,” I clarified.

  Hesitation and confusion swirled around him as he extended his hand. “I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Nick Butler.”

  I stared at his hand for a long while, my body shaking and shaking and shaking from the morning and from an officer wanting me to take his hand for anything.

  I forced my hand into his, holding myself rigidly as I did. “I’m—” I went absolutely still when what he’d said spun around in my mind. My head snapped up and my stare held his. “Did you say Nick Butler? Is your dad Ron Butler?”

  His confusion intensified. Covering his face and dripping from his lips as he awkwardly shook my stiff hand. “Yes,” he said, drawing out the word and making it sound like a question.

  I ripped my hand away from his. “I have to go,” I breathed and sidestepped him, backing away toward the front door.

  I nearly ran to Lala’s truck, forgetting my bag and not caring.

  I didn’t remember the drive to the bookstore.

  I didn’t remember what Donna said to me when I arrived.

  All I could think of were the facts that Reed was seeing someone else and that someone was currently in Lala’s house. Another girl was begging him to go home, and after the news of Hannah, I no longer had any idea who it could be. His best friend had witnessed the worst night of my life, and to make matters worse, Nick’s brother-in-law—Leah’s husband—had been one of the men trying to rape me my last night in New York.

  If it weren’t for Lala and Nora and Donna, if it weren’t for the store, I would’ve driven out of Colby and never looked back.

  * * *

  I’d wanted to linger at the store, but Donna had demanded we leave, saying one or both of us was going to pass out if we kept at it. From the look on her face, I knew she’d been trying to channel Lala. She’d failed, but it was adorable, nonetheless.

  If I’d had the energy, I would’ve gone to the coffee shop or wandered around town, but Donna had been right. The day had been long, both so mentally and physically exhausting, that I barely had the strength to pull myself into Lala’s truck and drive home.

  When I arrived, I considered going straight to my room and falling asleep. But knowing Lala would worry if I didn’t let her know that I’d made it back, I’d shuffled into the kitchen.

  Disappointment dipped in my chest when I saw a pyramid of garlic bread stacked in the corner of the kitchen, only to quickly be overtaken by hurt-fueled relief.

  The last thing I wanted was to spend the night wondering if Reed was going to stop by or not.

  “Evening, Lala.”

  She took one look at me and her body sagged, but her face lit with joy. “Sit, I’ll fix you a plate.”

  “No, no. I can get it in a bit.” I glanced around the kitchen but couldn’t seem to focus on anything. “What can I do?”

  She pointed at the kitchen table with a wooden spoon. “You can sit your bottom down and tell me about the day.”

  A whimper escaped me. “Don’t ever let me do this again. Cataloging an entire store worth of books is . . .”

  “Rewarding?”

  “It’s driving me insane, Lala. I think I might literally be going crazy. Why did I think this was a good idea?”

  She gave a little chuckle. “The end is in sight, Emma. You’ll be done with this part by the end of the weekend, I have no doubt. Then it’s maintaining the books, and that is a piece of cake compared to what you’ve done the last week and a half.”

  “Any kind of cake sounds good right about now,” I murmured, nearly moaning at the thought.

  “I noticed you left without food this morning,” she said, disapproval weaving through her tone. “You best have eaten today.”

  “Donna grabbed salads for us for lunch,” I said distractedly as my attention shifted to the bread again. “Sorry about this morning, I just . . . I’m sorry.” I looked at Lala when she didn’t respond and stilled when I saw her glare.

  “A salad?” She looked pointedly behind me and snapped, “Sit down and let me feed you.”

  I lifted my hands in surrender. “I will get it.”

  “Christ Almighty,” she mumbled under her breath. “Working all day and eats nothing but a damn salad.” She snorted and shot me a look as I reached for a plate. “Bet it didn’t even have any protein on it.”

  “It did,” I said defensively.

  She reached out to brush her hand against my cheek, then went back to the stove with a sigh. “I just worry about you. If I had my way—well . . .”

  The air grew thick from the obvious turn in her thoughts and unspoken words.

  If she had her way, she would’ve stopped my life from being what it had been.

  “I know, Lala,” I whispered softly, sadness weaving through the words.

  I turned for the food, but my attention once again got snagged on the bread.

  “He’ll be back.”

  My head jerked in Lala’s direction. “Hmm?”

  “Reed,” she said knowingly, then nodded toward the pyramid he built every week. “The nights he works, he drops off the bread before going in, but he always comes back for dinner.”

  I wanted to ask if he’d said anything.

  If he’d asked about me. If he’d seemed concerned that I might know any of the things he was doing.

  Then again, I didn’t want to care.

  “I don’t want to be here when he comes back.”

  Lala dropped the wooden spoon into the pot and turned to fully face me. “After these mornings you’ve been sharing with him, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t.”

  Because I knew.

  I knew he had the power to break me, and he’d only had a fraction of my heart. I knew he was trouble. I knew he would be like every man I’d witnessed my mom with.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said softly.

  “Help me understand why it doesn’t.”

  “You don’t need to understand,” I said simply.

  “Don’t do this, Emma,” she said as if preparing for a fight she knew would only continue to happen.
“Don’t let your past keep you from living life now. Don’t let it stop you from having a future. Be the brave girl I know you are.”

  “I want nothing to do with Reed Ryan,” I cried out, voice twisting painfully around his name. “Why is that so difficult for everyone to understand? I told you, Jesus, I told you that first night there was something about him, and I was right. I don’t want him anywhere near me. Can you understand that?”

  By the time I finished, I was trembling and my eyes were burning with tears I refused to shed over him. My chest jerked with my uneven breaths because this hurt, and I hated that I’d let myself fall.

  Lala’s stare bounced between me and something behind me, as it had when I’d first walked in. The kitchen table . . . she wanted me to go to it.

  Only I had a feeling from her apologetic expression and the way her stare was continuously shifting back and forth that she was no longer just looking at the table.

  I felt that intoxicating energy wrap around me. Trying to comfort me when it was nothing but a reminder of the way I’d fallen. And then I felt him.

  Felt his hurt and his anger weave through the inexplicable pull that was begging me to turn, begging me to look at him.

  Holding my head high, I turned to face where he was standing with Nora and another officer. Once again, everything inside me recoiled when I saw him in uniform, but I locked it up tight.

  Reed’s wounded eyes were focused on me. His jaw was clenched tight, muscles working from the force there.

  I didn’t realize my hands had curled into fists until I felt the sting of pain from my nails.

  “Why do you always say such mean things about my Reed?” Nora asked softly.

  The officer next to them shifted uncomfortably, but I didn’t look at either of them. I couldn’t take my eyes from Reed.

  The past came rushing to the surface as I stared at that man, and I let it.

  I let it threaten to drown me. I let my demons wrap their arms around me and sink their claws into my skin. I let it all mix with every memory of Reed, with his patience and his smirks and his touch and our kisses until my knees shook from the force of the emotions building inside me.

  Until I wanted to fall to the floor and weep. Because throughout it all, Reed continued standing apart from the rest, and something in me screamed that he always would.

  But it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change that, all along, he had been the lie.

  Lala made a sound of discontent. “Why don’t the two of you go somewhere to—”

  “You disgust me,” I whispered, choking over the words.

  Reed’s head shifted in the faintest nod as if he were accepting my hate. As if he knew exactly why I was throwing all of it at him.

  When I walked past him, he didn’t say anything, and he didn’t try to stop me. In those ruthless, endless moments, I knew I had finally succeeded in pushing him away.

  And it shattered me.

  Garcia let out a slow breath from beside me. “So, that’s the cop-hater?”

  I didn’t have it in me to shut him up. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what just happened.

  When I’d left Emma that morning, she’d started shutting down, yeah. But I’d thought it had to do with Rowe barging into her room because I had a feeling she didn’t normally let people into rooms with her.

  But this?

  I didn’t know how we’d gone from falling asleep with her in my arms after confessing just how much we meant to each other—all while dancing around those three words I was sure would have her pushing me away faster than anything had before—to this.

  It didn’t even feel like her shields. The pain in her voice and the tears in her eyes had felt more personal than anything before—and they terrified me as much as they hurt. Because that had been the real Emma saying she wanted nothing to do with me.

  “Why is that one so mean to you?” Nora asked as she tugged at my hand. “I don’t like her.”

  Lala stopped in front of me, face apologetic. “I’m sorry for that, I don’t know what got into her tonight. Just give her time to come around.”

  A strangled laugh managed to escape me. I looked over to what I could see of the bottom of the staircase from where I was standing. I took a step back, head shaking. “Think she made herself perfectly clear.”

  “Now, don’t say—”

  “Lala, I’ve clearly been deluding myself into thinking something was happening . . . that something was going to. I don’t know where everything got twisted and I went wrong—you know what? It doesn’t matter.”

  From what I’d walked in on to the only words Emma actually spoke to me, not one part of it had sounded like her lies.

  I dragged my free hand through my hair and blew out a harsh breath as I detangled myself from Nora. “I have to go.”

  Lala tried to stop me.

  Nora and Garcia tried to follow me.

  I didn’t let any of them succeed.

  I climbed into my patrol car and left, hoping the night ahead would clear my mind.

  I held Lala’s unreadable stare when she entered my room with a soft knock not long after I’d made it up there, waiting for what she would say.

  If she would reprimand me. If she would demand I go apologize.

  But all she said was, “He left.”

  I nodded against my pillow but didn’t respond otherwise.

  After a minute of us just watching each other, she pushed from the doorjamb and came to sit on my bed. “I may be old, but my mind isn’t slowing yet.”

  “You’re not old, Lala.”

  She huffed and twisted to face me. “I was trying to figure what could have possibly gotten into you as you were saying it, but I was too distracted by Reed showing up at the absolute wrong time that it stopped me from remembering what you said before leaving this morning.” When I only stared at her, she explained, “About Hannah.”

  “I know what I said to you.”

  “Well, you were looking at me like you didn’t remember. Figured I’d help you along.” I rolled my eyes, but she kept going. “What I’m gathering from this morning and tonight is that something happened with Hannah.”

  That pain pierced my chest and quickly pushed through my veins again, but I tried to force it away.

  “So guarded,” Lala whispered. “No way to live, Emma.”

  “They’re together,” I finally said. “Hannah and some other girl were talking about it in the kitchen this morning.”

  Lala leaned back, doubt on her face. “Now, I know what I told you. Hannah has been sweet on Reed for quite some time, but I’ve seen that boy around you. I know how he feels about you. And he isn’t the kind to play around that way.”

  “Apparently, he is.” A shaky smile lined my face. “I wanted to deny it, but then Nick said something to her about how he saw her at Reed’s the other day.”

  “That could have meant anything.” But even Lala looked disappointed, as if she didn’t know what to do with the information I’d given her.

  “It’s for the best.” Even as I spoke, I could hear the lie in my voice. “I should have known every instinct I had about Reed was right—was trying to tell me something. I should have known when I fell for him so fast that I was doing exactly what I was afraid of . . . following in Momma’s footsteps.”

  “Emma, there’s something that doesn’t sit right with me about this. That boy is crazy about you. He was wrecked by what just happened downstairs.”

  An incredulous laugh left me. “He’s perfect in your eyes. You’ll never be able to believe that he could do something wrong.”

  “I told you, that boy is good to his soul.” She held up a hand, stopping me from replying. “I know a thing or two about this. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect—even Reed. He has his own things he needs to handle. But playing with a girl’s heart? That isn’t a mistake he would knowingly make.”

  “And if you’re wrong?”

  “I’ll bust his tail right on out of Colby, but I know I�
�m not. Not about this.” She settled deeper into the bed and released a weary sigh. “Your momma . . . she was a rebellious one. Always had been. We’d been at odds for a while, and she’d been getting into some things she shouldn’t have. Hanging out with people she had no right being around. She never brought boys home, then one day, she did. This twenty-year-old man she wanted to show off. Rub in our faces because she knew we wouldn’t approve.”

  I thought back to how old my mother had been when she had me and asked, “How old was she?”

  Lala gave me a knowing look. “We had just celebrated her sixteenth birthday. Of course, we would’ve had our reservations with his age, but this man.” Lala shuddered. “He’d just gotten out of jail for something or other. Was covered head to toe in vulgar and racist tattoos. And he was so high on something when he met us that he started throwing my dishes.”

  I was so embarrassed by the choices my mother made that my eyelids slipped shut. My mouth opened to automatically apologize, but the words never left my tongue.

  There was no point, I knew that.

  It happened before I was born.

  Once again, another reflex from a lifetime with her. Of trying to clean up her messes as much as possible.

  Lala nodded toward me. “You came along not even eight months later. None of us knew if he was the daddy or not. But the boys and men she’d been with at the time were all similar to him. Before she got pregnant, during the pregnancy, and—of course—after . . . she disappeared. All the time. We called the cops often to report it. After a while, we had to stop because we knew she was doing it for attention and was going to continue. She’d leave school or slip out in the middle of the night. Unless we wanted to chain ourselves to her, we couldn’t prevent it.”

  She looked straight ahead, her eyes far away.

  When nearly a minute passed, I wanted to beg her to continue but stayed silent. I didn’t have any room to ask for information from anyone.

  “I wondered so many times where I’d gone wrong with her,” she finally said. “Eventually, I had to come to terms with the knowledge that we all make our own choices. If we didn’t, who knows where you’d be.”