Planet Janet

by Dyan Sheldon

  I said to Disha that I wished I’d taken the number of the policeman on the desk and reported him. It’s the sort of story the local paper loves. D said exactly who was I going to report him to? Other policemen? I said I didn’t think they could ALL be corrupt, and she said it wasn’t so much corruption as conspiracy. They all stick together. And not just the police – politicians, teachers, businessmen etc. too. D says if you REALLY think about it, becoming an adult doesn’t actually CHANGE anything except being able to drink in pubs and stay out all night and having to work for a living etc. The world still treats you like a child – only instead of having your parents telling you what to do and not listening to you, you have society telling you.

  SATURDAY 24 MARCH

  The devil Nan’s always going on about woke up this morning in a really shitty mood and decided to give me a small taste of what hell is like. First of all, I meant to get up early because I had a lot to do before Elvin arrived to fix my bike. I wanted to run through my yoga (so if he asked me what I’d been doing I could say my yoga). I wanted to take a shower with the shower gel Sappho also gave the Mad Cow for the winter solstice (so if he noticed how good I smelled I could tell him I smelled politically correct). And I reckoned it might be a good idea if I didn’t greet him in my pyjamas, so I needed to dress. And also get everything ready for lunch. But I must’ve slept through the alarm, because I didn’t wake up till nearly ten. It took me an hour just to find something to wear, so I had to skip the yoga. Then when I opened the fridge I discovered that the Mad Cow hadn’t done a proper shop yet. There was nothing to eat unless you liked bendy carrots and mustard a lot. So then I had to change into something I didn’t mind sweating in and run to the shop. I bought cheese, bread, tomatoes and a large bag of crisps. Toasted cheese sandwiches are my speciality. That and peanut butter. As soon as I got home I changed again. I was still looking for the sandwich toaster (microwaved just isn’t the same in my opinion) when the doorbell rang. Elvin! Electricity shot through me. I had a big smile on my face and was already saying hello when I answered the door. The smile vanished. It wasn’t Elvin. It was Bethsheba. I was a bit taken aback. She wasn’t at all what I was expecting. I was expecting someone rather pathetic who probably lives under a rock, but she was trendier looking than even Catriona Hendley. And v attractive in an emaciated art student sort of way. She wanted to know if Justin was in. I was too stressed to deal with her, and also if Justin was in his room I didn’t want him coming out while Elvin was here, so I said no. She wanted to know if I was sure. I said he’d left EONS ago. Then she started screaming for him from the doorway. There wasn’t any response, of course, so then she said to tell him she’d been by and that he should ring her. I went back to looking for the sandwich toaster. Justin strolled into the kitchen with his camera over his shoulder. I said I thought he’d gone out; didn’t he hear Bethsheba SHRIEKING for him? He said who hadn’t? He reckoned the whole road had heard her. He called her Bloody Bumshiva and said he wished she’d leave him alone, and I said why not tell her that instead of pretending not to be home, and he said what made me think he hadn’t told her at least a hundred times? I said because he never tells anybody anything, and he said well, here was a first, then. I could tell Elvin that he couldn’t wait for him because he had to go out. And as if this wasn’t surprising enough (I mean, why would Elvin think Justin was going to wait for him? He was coming to see ME!!!), Justin then made a quick exit through the garden. I was watching him heave himself over the back wall when the phone rang. I picked it up because I thought it might be Elvin. It was Marcus, ringing to tell me not to eat lunch because we could get something after the gallery. I said what gallery? He said the gallery I’d made a date with him to see today because there are paintings in it that reminded him of my stuff. I acted all shocked and horrified (which I sort of was, though I was also too preoccupied with my date with Elvin to get THAT emotionally involved), and said I’d forgotten all about it. I said my nan had fallen again and we were all pretty upset and it had totally put it out of my mind. I said I couldn’t go today because my parents were both out (true), and I had to look after my nan (would’ve been true if Nan were home). Marcus said well, what about next Saturday and I said OK because the doorbell was ringing. This time it was Elvin (FINALLY!). I still hadn’t found the sandwich toaster, but he said just a plain cheese sandwich would be great. (I like men who are flexible; I think that’s another important quality to look for.) He wanted to know where Justin was and I told him he’d just climbed over the garden wall. I think he thought I was joking at first. I put the lunch stuff on the table and Elvin said he couldn’t eat the cheese because it wasn’t vegetarian. I said of course it was vegetarian; it was cheese. He said no, they weren’t necessarily the same thing. He said cheese isn’t vegetarian unless it has a green V or something on the packet to prove that it isn’t made with animal glop. (And how was I meant to know a thing like that?) I said OOPS, I forgot. I haven’t been a veggie that long. Elvin said vegetarians have to be really careful, and, so he didn’t think I was TOTALLY clueless, I said it was worse for vegans because my aunt’s a vegan and she reads the labels on EVERYTHING before she eats it, including salt. At last being related to Sappho has paid off!!! Elvin said he admires vegans. He said I had a v interesting family. Since this isn’t true, and since even if it were true he wouldn’t know it since he’s only met Justin, I knew he was talking about me. I pretended to pick something off the floor in case I was blushing. After lunch Elvin took a look at my bike, but even though he had a bag full of tools it turned out he didn’t have the right one with him, so he said he’d come back next week. I thought maybe he’d suggest doing something else but he didn’t. After Elvin left, I rang Marcus back, but he’d gone out. I decided to go to Disha’s. When I got outside, Bethsheba was sitting on the step like that creepy bird in that Edgar Allan Poe poem. God knows how Geek Boy knew she’d be out there – perception isn’t one of his strong points. I told her Justin wasn’t back yet and she gave me this Mona Lisa smile and said she knew. Didn’t I say someone who was interested in Justin had to be REALLY STRANGE?!!

  SUNDAY 25 MARCH

  Sappho and Mags rolled up unexpectedly tonight with a bottle of organic champagne. Sigmund (who is a BIG FAN of the grape) must’ve known somehow that there was going to be free wine on offer because he was actually home for a change. Psychologists aren’t known for their sense of humour either, and Sigmund is no exception (unless it was marrying my mother), but he still tried to make a joke. “What’s the occasion? You scalp another white man?” The Mad Cow, Sappho and Mags all told him to shut up. Sappho said she had a major announcement. Turns out Sappho and Mags are pregnant! Well, one of them’s pregnant (I think it’s Sappho, but I got a little confused with all the shrieking this announcement caused). Once things had settled down a bit, Justin decided to make a joke. He wanted to know if it was an immaculate conception. Instead of telling him to shut up the way they did Sigmund, Sappho said yes, and they all laughed hysterically (except for Nan, who said it was blasphemous and made her lips into a straight line). While they were laughing, Sigmund poured himself another glass of champagne (a big one). Then Nan decided she’d given them the silent treatment long enough, and got back into the act. She couldn’t understand how Sappho (probably) could be preggers when she’s One of Them! Things weren’t like this in her day. In her day people knew what they were meant to do, and if they didn’t want to do it they didn’t make a big deal of it and have sperm injected into them. Sigmund told her not to start (which was pretty ridiculous, since she was already in full swing). Nan said she hoped they were going to have the baby baptized, the poor little thing. Sappho told her what she thought of that idea, and Nan stomped off to pray for everybody (she made sure she took her champagne with her though). I hope Sappho isn’t making a Big Mistake. I mean, she’s only just started living with Mags. What if it doesn’t work out? (It’s never worked out before.) It seems like a pretty major step to take. Disha agrees. She says it�
��s like marrying somebody on the first date. You’d think that someone who’s been to university and is so politically sussed, like Sappho, would have a little more common sense, but Disha says that common sense is like the Canary Islands. There aren’t any canaries left on the Canary Islands, and there’s nothing common about common sense. Sometimes D can be v profound.

  Sappho said I should’ve known about the cheese not being vegetarian because she’d told me often enough. She wanted to know if I ever listened to anything she said, and I said sometimes.

  MONDAY 26 MARCH

  It never ends, does it? What would everyone do if I weren’t around to take the blame for everything? Flynn was in a mood today because Disha and I didn’t turn up for his pizza party on Saturday night. I said I didn’t know about any pizza party. Flynn said I did and that I said it sounded great when he invited everyone the other day. I don’t consider some casual remark made when at least four other people are talking at the same time even close to a real invitation. Who could really hear him? And also he was going ON AND ON about pizza (it’s bread, basically; there isn’t that much to say), and he didn’t make it excruciatingly clear that he meant LAST Saturday. Not to ME! I apologized abjectly and promised that even if Prince William invited me to a mega do at the palace on the same night I’d be at Flynn’s next pizza party. Flynn was appeased. He said OK, it’s a date. Next Saturday. Eight sharp. I wrote it on my hand, and later I made Disha write it down on paper so we don’t forget.

  Tonight when the phone rang Justin said that if it was Bumshiva I should tell her he wasn’t home. I was SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED that he expected me to lie for him. He said he still had the negative of me sleeping with my mouth wide open and dribbling, and if I didn’t want Elvin to see it I should just do what he said. I told him that was blackmail and it made him a criminal and he laughed.

  TUESDAY 27 MARCH

  It’s a world of surprises, isn’t it? Came home from school to find the Mad Cow going through Sigmund’s office. She had a duster in her hand to make it look like she was cleaning, but she was definitely turning it over. I told her he didn’t hide his cigarettes in his office, and she said she wasn’t looking for cigarettes; she was dusting. She said it like she wouldn’t care if he smoked himself into an iron lung. (I’m not sure what an iron lung is, but it doesn’t sound good. I mean, it doesn’t sound like something you’d wish on the Love of Your Life, or even your husband.) Maybe I’ll never get married, if this is what happens. All the Passion and Romance goes, and there’s nothing left to keep you together but the mortgage. I almost felt like saying to her (woman to woman), “Jocelyn, don’t you remember how your blood used to race when you heard his voice? How your skin tingled at his touch? How you used to lie awake, imagining he was beside you? Where did all that passion go?” But I didn’t. If she ever did feel like that (which does seem a bit unlikely) she’ll have TOTALLY forgotten by now.

  D agrees that marriage sucks the romance out of a relationship. She says this is why Great Artists and Writers have traditionally been opposed to it. The Soul is always yearning to be free, and society’s always trying to chain it down. Does that mean that the creative impulse is innately opposed to the needs of society? If man works on rules and the rest of the universe works on chaos, does society go against our TRUE nature? Questions, questions, questions!!! Sometimes I feel as if the Dark Phase may give me a permanent migraine. Watched some old Friends videos to calm my overworked mind. Friends I can understand.

  WEDNESDAY 28 MARCH

  HOT NEWSFLASH!!! Sara Dancer DID IT!!! She went to a party on Saturday and made it with some bloke from New Zealand. I said she’d been keeping pretty quiet about it, and Sara said that even though she definitely felt LIKE A WOMAN now there really wasn’t that much to talk about. She said she’d had a few beers and didn’t remember it all that well. I said I hoped she remembered using a condom and she said no. She said as a topic of conversation condoms hadn’t exactly come up. (Just the penis did!!!)

  THURSDAY 29 MARCH

  Mrs Kennedy said she wouldn’t need me next week, but she wondered if I could mind the twins from Friday night to Sunday the weekend after next. At first I said no. I’m not totally sure about having the twins for long periods of daylight on my own. I’d have to do things with them and keep them entertained, which could be quite draining. And instinct told me that the Mad Cow would object. As you know, she’s not v keen on Mrs Kennedy, but she’s even less keen on leaving me with ME on my own for a whole weekend – never mind with someone else’s small children. Mrs Kennedy said she only asked because her mum usually takes them when she needs a break, but she’s gone to Australia. Mrs Kennedy said it was a shame I couldn’t do it because she was going to pay me double time, but she certainly wouldn’t want to upset my mother after all my wonderful father’s done for her. Double time! I don’t like maths, but I do appreciate that it can come in v handy from time to time. A quick calculation told me that what Mrs Kennedy was offering me was FREEDOM AND PRIVACY in the shape of a new mobe. So I threw caution to the wind and said I’d do it. I reckon the simplest thing is not to tell the MC. What she doesn’t know can’t stop me.

  FRIDAY 30 MARCH

  This afternoon Marcus said he hoped I hadn’t forgotten that we’re going to the gallery tomorrow. I said of course I hadn’t. (It had TOTALLY gone out of my mind, which is understandable considering all the STRESS I’ve been under lately.) I told him I was really sorry but I still couldn’t go, because of Nan’s relapse and all. Marcus was v sympathetic (unlike anyone I’m related to). He wanted to know why Justin couldn’t look after the old bag for a couple of hours and I said oh, come on now, you’ve met my brother; Justin’s too selfish to do anything like that.

  SATURDAY 31 MARCH

  If Shakespeare’s right and the Course of True Love is rougher than a trail up Mount Everest, then the feelings Elvin and I are going to experience (if we ever have ten minutes alone) will be the Truest Love that’s ever existed. I am THWARTED at every turn. First of all, the MC did another one of her vanishing acts this morning without so much as a word to ANYONE. God knows where she goes, but it definitely isn’t Sainsbury’s since she’s out ALL DAY and doesn’t have any food with her when she gets back. It was just as well I shopped for lunch yesterday. This time I bought pasta, pasta sauce with a big green V on it, and a bag of salad at the health food store, so I felt pretty calm about that at least. Willow took Nan out, and Sigmund, as per usual, was working his fingers to the bone to pay my bills, so I was feeling V POSITIVE. But then Justin Bandry, the boy who thinks home is where you sleep, wouldn’t leave the flat today no matter how much I begged him. I was rushing round, trying to get ready for Elvin, and Justin even made me check to see if Bumshiva was “lying in wait” for him out front. (Melodramatic or what? Men really are the most incredible prima donnas!!!) She was. Justin said that in that case he wasn’t going anywhere unless there was a fire. (How TEMPTING is that? If I wasn’t afraid it might spread to mine, I’d torch his room!) I said I didn’t see why he couldn’t go through the garden, which is what he’s been doing for DAYS, and he said the man at the back booby-trapped his border so he can’t land in it any more. I told him that in that case he’d better stay in his room or I’d invite Bethsheba in for lunch. I reckoned that would keep Geek Boy out of the way. Which was just as well because the doorbell rang and it was Elvin. The first thing Elvin said when I opened the door was had my hair always been this colour? I said trust a film-maker to be so observant. He obviously thought this was another example of my great sense of humour, so I laughed too. He wanted to know if Justin had gone over the garden wall again and I said no, he was in his room, but he was excruciatingly busy. Everything was V COSY after that. I got lunch ready while Elvin fixed my bike, just as if we were a real couple. When he was done he came into the kitchen, all triumphant. I said that was brilliant, cos now we could finish that bike ride, and he said sure but not today. Elvin read the label on the salad dressing while I drained the pasta. He c
ouldn’t eat that either, because it had anchovies in it. I was already thinking about how I was going to describe the afternoon to Disha, when Justin appeared, nose twitching (he’s got the sense of smell of a police dog). I gave him every signal I could to make him go away (eyes, hands, eyebrows, mental telepathy – the lot), but except to ask when lunch was going to be ready he TOTALLY ignored me. I said should I be putting out four plates, and he gave me this big cheesy grin and said not to worry because Bumshiva had left. Elvin wanted to know who Bumshiva was. Justin started explaining that she was in a couple of his classes and had this fixation on him (ego or what?!!), and to my surprise Elvin not only didn’t laugh at this piece of fantasy but acted all sympathetic. I was tempted to tell Justin what I’d like to do with his lunch, but I didn’t want Elvin to see my harsher side just yet. Not until we’ve at least had our first kiss. So I put out three plates. And guess what? Disha was right about Elvin going to that exhibition last weekend, because that’s all they talked about while they shovelled my lunch into their gobs. As soon as they’d finished eating, Justin asked Elvin if he wanted to see what he was working on in his darkroom. As sweetly and meaningfully as possible, I told Justin that Elvin had come over to fix my bike, not look at his pictures. And what did Elvin say? Elvin said he’d already fixed the bike and he’d LOVE to see Justin’s pictures. (If Justin shows Elvin even ONE of me – even if I look a stone lighter than I really am and am MIND-BOGGINGLY GORGEOUS in it – I swear I’m going to destroy his bloody darkroom.) I know Elvin was only being polite. He probably thinks he has to be nice to my brother even though he’s the biggest pain in the arse that ever lived, but I was so ENRAGED I had to force myself to remain pleasant. As soon as I heard Justin’s door close, I raced outside to see if maybe Bethsheba had come back, but (NATURALLY!!!) she hadn’t. Just wait till the next time she calls round. We’ll see who lies for Geek Boy then. Rang Marcus, but he’d gone out, so I’m going over to Disha’s. I don’t trust myself to be alone with my brother.