The Janus Cycle

by Tej Turner

  “Wait,” he interrupted me. “What do you mean dominant species at this time? As far as I know we have always been the dominant species.”

  I rolled my eyes. “There have been at least five major mass extinction events discovered in our world’s recorded history, but there has almost certainly been more. The most famous being the one which wiped out the dinosaurs—”

  “You’re not going to tell me that dinosaurs were running around for thousands of years before us, and our ancestors were monkeys, are you?” he scoffed. A couple of his bible friends smiled at me like one does to a child who just told them a fairy tale.

  “No. I am going to tell you dinosaurs roamed the world millions of years before our time... and, it’s actually apes we share a more recent ancestry with.”

  “Evolution is a load of rubbish,” he retorted. “Darwin’s theory is full of missing links!”

  I laughed and shook my head. “Oh ‘missing links’. Are your family, or church, or whoever brainwashed you, still feeding you guys that little out-dated chestnut? Darwin admitted himself in the early days that his discoveries were incomplete but it was still the most comprehensive theory of the time. The whole ‘missing links’ argument is now invalid because, since it was made, they have found them. It’s the twenty-first century now, dude, and the evidence is pretty conclusive. Get over it.”

  His jaw dropped, and I could see doubt in his eyes. His bible friends were rendered speechless and unsure – they turned to their leader.

  Years of Christian repetition then recovered itself and Liam spoke again. “This is all a bunch of hocus pocus. Are you actually expecting us to believe this tosh? The world isn’t even that old. In the bible it says—”

  “Okay just hold it there,” I interrupted, raising the palm of my hand. “Is this ‘belief’ in evolution you have logical, and based on actual research, or is it just a purely emotional reaction because religious beliefs that were indoctrinated into you when you were a child being contradicted scares you? Because I’m studying biology, and I really can’t be bothered to debate a subject with someone who knows nothing about it. I think I would get more cerebral stimulation from banging my head against a wall.”

  “Please be civil, Frelia,” Mr Harrison warned from his desk at the front.

  I ignored him. “This is what I don’t get about your kind,” I said. “Plenty of passages from the bible are ignored and twisted to mean other things. What is it about this particular one you guys are so fixated on? You can believe in god and evolution, you know. In fact, many do, it’s called ‘Theistic Evolutionism’. It kind of makes sense, because there are many things about evolution which are mysterious, and beautiful. Like the eye. Did you know that they have traced multiple examples where the early species of this planet independently evolved eyes? Their DNAs somehow, separately, figured out a complex genetic code which gave them organs in their heads that could detect a phenomenon they had no way of even knowing existed before – light. And then you have creatures like chameleons, whose DNA learnt how to change their outer layer of skin so that it could shift its colour at will and camouflage them from predators. These things are the real magic of the universe, not some book of myths used to control people in medieval times. Why can’t you open your eyes and see that? Because it is learning these things about the natural history of the world which sometimes makes me question my belief that there is no god.”

  “I’ve never have any doubts over my beliefs,” said, lifted his head arrogantly. As if, by that short statement alone, he had contradicted everything I had just said.

  “Well, maybe that is why you failed our mock exams last term,” I said, flatly. “There really is no argument here, Liam. Creationism is not a credible theory – it is just a proclamation of collective ignorance. Maybe if you grew up in a repressive regime or in the sticks in Africa or somewhere then you would have a reasonable excuse, but as far as I am concerned, if you are from the first world and have been given access to proper education, and you still don’t believe in evolution, then you’re just a fucking moron.”

  Several people gasped.

  “Frelia!” Mr Hammond rose from his chair. “Stop this now!”

  “No!” I shook my head. “I will not. We need to stop humouring people like him, because they are dangerous and they are holding the world back. It’s thanks to people denying scientific evidence just because it’s inconvenient for them that the world is in so much trouble at the moment. Let me give you an example.”

  I turned back to Liam. “I bet you think global warming is a just a conspiracy, don’t you?”

  He hesitated. “Well, I did watch this thing—”

  I slapped my forehead. “See!” I exclaimed, turning back to Mr Hammond. The rest of the class were all staring at me open-mouthed, but I didn’t care. I was too riled by this point. “It’s ignorance which is the biggest problem in this world. And do you know why? Because behind every psychopath who winds his way into becoming a religious leader or profiteer from the oil industry, there are millions of goons, like Liam here, who just follow what they say and never—”

  “That’s enough, Frelia!” Mr Harrison yelled.

  “I just don’t get what you’re about,” Mr Harrison said.

  The classroom had swiftly emptied, and now it was just me and him. He was at the front of the room with his hand on his hip. He didn’t seem angry, more wary, vexed and confused. I crossed my arms over the table in front of me and stared at him, unblinking.

  “When you first sat in this room nine months ago I thought you were just one of those kids who saw Religious Studies as an easy option. You would just sit there silently; often I thought your mind wasn’t even here. I have caught you sleeping, and on several occasions you have even left the room in tears. Your attendance has been barely within acceptable levels... but your test scores,” he said, reaching for a folder on the desk and flipping through the pages until he found the right one. “They are… outstanding. You are far from what I picture as a model student, Frelia, but you achieve the best results.”

  “So why did you just blow up like that today?” he asked, looking at me earnestly. “Until now your occasional input into classroom discussions has been outlandish and obscure, to say the least, and now you suddenly turn into a raging bull!”

  “I’m sorry, Sir,” I said, looking at the clock and wondering how much longer he would be keeping me here. “Liam’s been bugging me all year and I’ve been holding back and...”

  “Well maybe if you were more assertive from the beginning it wouldn’t have all exploded like it did today. As your teacher it is my job to ensure that my students, even when they disagree, all still treat each other with respect. Next year I want you to—”

  “There isn’t going to be a next year.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m quitting college.”

  His eyes widened. “Why on earth would you do that, Frelia?”

  “I want to travel,” I said, shrugging. “Truth is, I only enrolled this year because it was free, and I thought I might as well get some education while I had nothing else to do. And, well, now I do. I’ve met someone, and I think I love him and—”

  “You’re only seventeen,” he cut-in, his eyebrows narrowing. “You can’t just throw your future away over some – some crush.”

  “Spare it,” I said, raising my hand. “This whole studying thing isn’t my bag anyway. We’re saving up to go travelling. I want to see the world, not read about it in books and talk about it with morons,” I said, indicating the desk Liam had been sitting on a few minutes before. “You won’t change my mind, Sir.”

  His shoulders fell resolutely and then he sighed. “You could go far if you wanted to, Frelia. Despite your ill delivery, what you said today was thought-provoking and full of passion. If you could just apply that into an academic context you—”

  “But that’s not me, Sir,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ll do the exam tomorrow, cause there’s no point in me w
asting this year – I’m not stupid. But earlier today I signed a form, terminating my studies when they asked me to re-enrol.”

  I got up from my seat, and placed my bag on my shoulder.

  “Good luck, Frelia,” he said as I made my way to the door.

  “Thanks for everything, Sir,” I said, waving as I walked out.

  When I met up with Stephan at the park later that day he wasn’t his usual self. He seemed distracted and aloof. He greeted me with an agitated smile and a brief nod. He did not look me in the eyes.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I sat next to him; he made no move to put his arm around me.

  He faked a smile. “Yeah... sorry, just... first day at work… you know.”

  “How was it?”

  “Oh, it was okay actually,” he said. “Most of them were nice. Met lots of people.”

  “Cool. I got into an argument with Liam today,” I groaned. “Got a right bollocking off the teacher. This dude is so deluded, he is convinced—”

  By the time I had explained it all, I realised that he wasn’t even paying attention to me. He was gazing away at something else distractedly.

  “Steph!” I said, nudging him on the shoulder. “Look –you’re obviously tired, so how about I talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” he said, running his hand through the stubble of hair that had begun to grow on his head. “Meet you here at the same time?”

  I nodded. He raised himself from the bench and leaned forward to kiss me. It was brief, awkward.

  “You forgot to wish me luck,” I said as he walked away.

  “Oh,” he said. “Sorry... what for?”

  “I have an exam tomorrow.”

  “Good luck, Frelia.”

  The next day I went to meet him after my exam and, although outwardly he was more cheerful, there was something a bit forced about it. Whatever it was, he was not ready to tell me yet. I had revision to do, so I told myself it must be stress from the new job and went home early.

  I had more exams throughout the rest of the week for Biology and Physics. We didn’t see much of each other but, when we did, things stayed roughly the same. He was awkward and distracted. I was focussed on my exams.

  And then Friday came. It was the end of the week and I went to the park to meet Stephan after my last exam, planning to take him out with me to Janus to celebrate – but he wasn’t there.

  It was then that I realised that this whole week my mind had been so swarmed with all the information that I had been cramming in there for the exams, I had completely ignored all of the signs. All of it had been released in the halls of the exam room now, like a cloud of bees, and I was in a state of clarity. I finally let myself acknowledge that something was up with Stephan.

  I stared at the bench. It was the place where we first met, and spent the majority of our bonding time together. I abruptly became aware of the fact that it wasn’t that much time at all – not in the grand scheme of things.

  I knew now in my gut that something was wrong with Stephan and me. A strange feeling crept into my stomach. The whole scene of the park around me felt odd – like I was seeing it for the first time. I felt a sense of turbulent motion even though I was standing still, and an understanding that locations are just a stage for events. It is the sequences that run through them which gave them significance. The memories I had entwined with this place, piled on top of it like a stack of tracing paper. I could see the individual leaves flipping through my mind. I could peel back the pages.

  You’ve let me down Stephan... why? Have I ever let you down?

  The setting around me abruptly dimmed, like summer afternoon had suddenly shifted into an early evening.

  Stephan was sitting there, in orange robes, his head shiny and bald, like it was when I first met him. He had a bottle of liquor in his hand.

  I stared and stared. Wondering what the hell was going on. He still hadn’t noticed me. Would he notice me? This must be a dream, after all.

  He was crying.

  “Stephan,” I called, as I walked over.

  “Frelia!” he exclaimed through teary eyes. “I thought you’d left me! I’ve been waiting. I thought—”

  I couldn’t help but rush over and put my arms around him, even though this must all be a dream. He felt real when I touched him.

  “I’ve been waiting for you!” I exclaimed. “What’s wrong? You’ve been strange with me all week!”

  He looked at me with blurry, confused eyes. “I left the monastery.”

  “I know you did! That was ages ago.”

  His head swayed and he closed his eyes, as though he was finding it hard to stay awake. I shook him by the shoulders and his eyes snapped open again. He looked at me.

  “Why are you a ghost?” he asked, as his eye lids went heavy again. He rested his head on the back of the bench.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You... you’re see-through...” he mumbled.

  I looked down at my hands, and they were in fact, see-through. I was experiencing the same sensation I felt earlier. This knowingness that time was just lines of tracing paper over scenery.

  I was just another layer, flittering across the setting.

  And suddenly, I was back where I was before. Standing in the same place, and staring at the bench. The sky was lighter again, and I knew it was Friday afternoon and I had just finished my exams.

  I stood there for a long time, just staring at my hands.

  I knocked on Pandora’s door. There was no response but I knew they were in there so I carried on knocking louder and faster, until I heard a clink and the door parted far enough from the frame for Pandora’s disconcerted face to peer through the parting.

  “I need to see Stephan!” I said.

  “Frelia...” she answered, for some reason nervous. “Stephan is—”

  I pushed the door open. Whatever she was being so weird about, I had neither the patience nor restraint to spare it time.

  “Frelia!” she exclaimed as I strode past her into the house. “I—”

  “Something really fucked up happened!” I exclaimed, almost in tears. “Where is Stephan? I need to see him.”

  I found him in the living room. He seemed somewhat defensive and alarmed.

  “Frelia!” he said. “I’m sorry I’ve been... It’s just that I got something—”

  “I don’t care about that!” I exclaimed. “Something happened. I went back to when I found you on the bench drunk—”

  “Let’s not dig up the past,” he said. There was a strange blankness in his eyes. They weren’t alive with excitement and enthusiasm as they had always been when they looked at me – something had gone.

  “Listen!” I exclaimed. “It was like I travelled through time. It was really fucking weird. I—”

  “What?” Pandora said, appearing beside us with her arms crossed over her chest. “Have you been taking drugs, again?”

  “No!” I shook my head. “I’m clean. I swear. I—”

  Pandora shook her head. I could tell she didn’t believe a word I was saying.

  “But Frelia, why something like this?” Stephan asked. “You’re an atheist. You don’t believe in—”

  “I believe in what I experience,” I said defensively. “And just now that includes all manner of things fucked up. Did I mention God? How is time travel proof of God? Anyway, please listen. I—”

  “I think we’ve heard enough of your stories,” Pandora said.

  “What?” I said, looking at both of them and becoming aware of an air between them I had never noticed before.

  I then noticed that Stephan was wearing a crucifix around his neck.

  “What the fuck is that?” I exclaimed, pointing. “You’re a Buddhist!”

  Stephan looked at the floor, unable to meet my eyes.

  “Stephan has seen the light and been born again,” Pandora said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It is a glorious thing.”

  I stepped away, remembering some of the deeper co
nversations I had had with Stephan about religion and spirituality. I had always said that organised religions such as Christianity were like those beaming lights you shine in people’s faces during interrogation; blinding, oppressive, intrusive, and persistent. He had always been a bit more sympathetic, and held that religion can have both a positive and negative effect in people’s lives, but ones with strict guidelines and rules sometimes blocked people from reaching true Enlightenment. It was in conversations like those that I really felt like we had connected on a deeper level, and I had believed I had found someone who was unyielding and insightful.

  I suddenly realised that I did not know him at all.

  “I’m not sorry, Frelia,” Stephan said, looking at me, with his blank, lifeless eyes. “I experienced the force of Jesus, I had never felt anything so pure and—”

  And then he looked at Pandora and his eyes changed.

  Then I knew.

  “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, turning my gaze between them in disbelief. “You’re screwing her, aren’t you?!”

  There was a shocked silence and neither of them said anything. Pandora’s expression was a mingling of guilt and shame.

  “Don’t... don’t be absurd,” Pandora mumbled. She opened her mouth to make some kind of denial, but I had heard enough. I ran out of the room, through the door, and into the street.

  I didn’t cry – I don’t do the whole weeping thing (unless I want to get out of a boring lesson, that is) but it is fairly safe to say that I walked back home very angry; anyone I walked past must have felt a heat wave as I crossed their path.

  I went straight to my bedroom, lay on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. I thought about everything that had just happened. How could I have been such a fool and been taken in by Stephan’s charm? I had built an idea in my head of what he was and failed to see his true colours.