Young and Revolting: The Continental Journals of Nick Twisp

by C. D. Payne

  11:35 p.m. We’re on the move. The air of permanence about our encampment was all a sham. After the evening performance, everyone set to work packing up. I would like to have helped Reina hitch up her caravan, but had to assist Captain Lapo in securing the animals for transport. Last to be packed away were Ajax and Omar, who assisted with taking down the main and cookhouse tents. This task is normally handled by elephants, but our circus (thank God) travels sans pachyderms. I can just imagine how much those beasts produce. Hitched to a common chain, my roommates dragged down the poles and pulled up the stakes, but you could sense they felt the whole business was a big imposition on them.

  I traveled in the cab of the camel van, piloted by Mr. Maymun. His wife of the shy smile and 10,000 gold bangles rode in their lavish caravan, which was hitched to the bumper. Don’t ask me if that’s legal in France. Behind it was attached another smaller trailer containing a washer and dryer. Many of the circus people tow these mobile laundry facilities. Don’t know what us peons do. I expect I’ll be washing Mrs. Fulke’s clothes in the river.

  Iyad drove at an excruciatingly torpid pace so as not to disturb his camels and/or wife. He’s from Tunisia and was very pleased to hear that Mrs. Fulke was not as he feared a Jew. We crawled through the large city of Tours, then tiptoed down the road to Chinon, where 98 percent of the circus had already pulled onto the lot and was fast asleep. Sounds like a good idea. I shall now turn out the light and hit the hay bale hard.

  THURSDAY, July 21 — Barely light outside when I was roused from my fragrant bed. Luckily, I hadn’t washed off my makeup. Madame Poco employs a curious incentive plan. No breakfast until all tents up and everything squared away for next show. I hardly had time to use the doniker (circus lingo for w.c.). Amazing how much work involved in moving the entire agglomeration, and this is just a small show. Fortunate that circus traditions go back to Roman times. If somebody came up with the concept today, I’m sure it’d be dismissed as an impractical folly.

  True medieval serfdom for all, but at least the grub not bad. Good thing eats are provided. Otherwise, on my salary I’d be reduced to filching bananas from the monkeys. Have observed that the little people in the company seem to pack away as much as the normal-sized folks. This is not true of the giant Donk, who is quietly but methodically decimating the barnyards of France. His pampered monkey Dink dines at his side and displays better table manners than many of the roustabouts. I don’t provide maid service for that ape. Donk and Dink reside in the giant’s modest caravan (which I would guess to be rather dank).

  Chinon is another storybook river town dominated by a vast ruined castle atop a rocky bluff. In case anyone hadn’t heard that the circus was in town, at noon our ornate bandwagon was cranked up, waking the dead from here to the Swiss border.

  4:20 p.m. Camel herding on a remote corner of the lot. Iyad likes to supplement his camels’ diet of pricey hay, oats, and dates with free grass from the field. So far Ajax and Omar pretty docile about being dragged out here to graze. Gives me a little free time to relax and obsess about my personal problems. Have decided that getting plastic surgery was the dumbest thing I ever did, next to burning down half of Berkeley. Never should have let Connie talk me into it. OK, maybe it helped a little in dragooning Sheeni to the altar, but it certainly complicates trying to hide out in France. I think Reina is completely turned off by the Mrs. Fulke routine. Let’s face it: has any woman in history ever been successfully wooed by a guy dressed like a chick—especially an old ugly one? Not even a randy lesbian would find Mrs. Fulke appealing. Plus, I’m so busy shoveling shit I barely have time to scan the audiences for my goateed wife. I’m trying to maintain a positive outlook though. At least the countryside is spectacular. Some people pay big bucks to vacation in this beauty spot; I get to enjoy it with all expenses paid. Have you ever noticed how camels walk? Pretty funny. First they move both feet on one side of their body, then swing along both feet on the other side. You could get seasick just watching them. Hey! Where are those guys going?

  7:46 p.m. Ajax and Omar are back. Iyad is furious. How was I to know they’d want to spend Happy Hour in the Vienne River? I don’t see how a 132-pound old lady can be expected to control a ton-and-a-half of rampaging dromedaries. Iyad says I should hit their legs with a stick. Right. I can just imagine how they’d react to that. I’d rather hit Iyad with a stick. Running after his camels made me miss out on dinner, always the high point of a serf’s day. I was reduced to buying a bag of salted nuts from Carlos, one of our ever- hustling snack vendors. He had the nerve to charge me full price too.

  10:05 p.m. Stepped out of the camel van for a breath of air and beheld an awesome sight. The vast castle on the hill is illuminated at night. It floated above the twinkling lights of Chinon like some immense relic of a grander age. Princes and kings probably hung out up there centuries ago. Knights in armor may have fought and died on its crumbling battlements. Now the Age of Chivalry was long past and I am alone in the dark with my head in the stars and my feet ankle-deep in you know what.

  FRIDAY, July 22 — Another day, another 16 tons dumped on the pile. All this exercise is reviving my depressed hormones. I’m finding I very much miss the physical aspect of married life. Let’s face it: once you’ve intimately known Sheeni Saunders on a semi- regular basis, it’s hard to return to those lonely dates with your palm. I go at it anyway, though on the other side of the partition Omar and Ajax moan in protest. Those dudes aren’t getting any either (unlike the debauched monkeys), but maybe all that cud chewing keeps them pacified. Sorry if my journal is beginning to read like “Doctor Doolittle,” but I do spend a lot of my time talking to the animals. Well, cursing them at any rate.

  During lunch a delivery van pulled onto the lot with a package for Morag Fulke. Very gratifying for the lowliest serf to be singled out in this way. The box contained a shiny new cellphone and this note from Connie:

  Dear Morag,

  Forgive me for assuming that you will be just like Paulo and run after that crippled parrot girl. I don’t know what she’s peddling, but my guess is it’s attracting a crowd. I’ve figured out that the police must have discovered your cellphone and were trying to triangulate your location every time you used it. So you must toss it in the river and use this one instead.

  Our wedding is set for Saturday. I can’t wait. My Paulo made one last run for it, but we intercepted him near San Bernardino. I think he was trying to reach Mexico via secondary roads, the silly dear. Hope he is capable of functioning on our honeymoon, since I want a little Saunders on the way as soon as possible.

  Hope you find his sister soon. I hear you are doing a good job building sympathy for your side in the French press. I know our father-in-law is furious at this turn of affairs. Good work!

  Your loving sister-in-law,

  Connie

  It’s a shame I have to miss Connie’s wedding. I’m sure it will be a gala affair, even with my mother-in-law in attendance. Nice of Connie to send me a new phone, but there’s no way I can ditch the old one. I’m expecting a call on it any minute now from Sheeni. She just has to call me soon. She has to!

  4:48 p.m. Spotting Reina leaving the lot, I tossed down my shovel and caught up with her. She was walking into town to buy fresh produce for her babies and consented to have Mrs. Fulke tag along. “Your forehead’s looking better, Rick,” she commented.

  “Call me Morag. I saw your act, Reina. I think it’s great.” “Thank you. I think we’re improving. I’m sorry, uh, Morag, that we can’t sit together at meals.”

  “Your Mr. Granley seems rather attentive.”

  “He’s very nice. He’s nearly twice my age and has a wife back in England. Madame Poco alerted me to that fact. Men rarely volunteer such information, I’ve found.”

  “We should all be shot,” I conceded.

  “Rick, I know you think you’re married, but it really is a crime having sex with an underage girl.”

  Her glance, so full of hurt and reproach, took me aback. Fran
kly, I’d been hoping for a little more continental sophistication here. I could see no recourse except the truth.

  “Sheeni’s older than I am,” I blurted out.

  Reina halted in her tracks. “What! How old are you, Rick?” “I’ll be 15 next week.”

  “My God, Rick! You’re just a baby! You should be home with your parents.”

  “My parents don’t want me. Nobody wants me.”

  Not a bad ploy. Reina put her arm around my shoulder and kissed me on my withered cheek. I tried to kiss her lips, but she drew back.

  “None of that, Rick,” she said. “In your country I could be arrested for kissing you. Your lawyers could sue me for corrupting a minor.”

  Damn, I knew it was a mistake telling the truth. It almost always is.

  Didn’t find the Herald Tribune in Chinon, but Reina picked up the Tours paper. No mention of me, but the entertainment page featured a large photo of T.P. with his hair slicked back and dressed in an oddly tailored, rather punkish orange suit. Image-molding by Mr. Bonnet? That would be my guess. The breathless article, translated by Reina, said he had finished recording his sensational new song and was rumored to be “a bad boy” with a certain Magda of the famed Three Magdas. I didn’t point out that that would certainly be illegal, but when Reina commented “He’s cute,” I informed her that he was both married and going steady (a morally precarious dilemma I wouldn’t mind grappling with myself).

  SATURDAY, July 23 — Another anniversary of my wedding day. Another morning without soft caresses, without the touch of warm arms about me, without the tingle of excitement as I slide my engorged . . . well, never mind. A gloomy day in more ways than one. Rain threatens. Circus people hate rain, Iyad informs me. It can cut attendance by one-half or more. Everything gets soggy. Animals get restless. Acrobats and aerialists resort more often to the rosin bag, but still hands can slip, tricks don’t work, people can get hurt. Townies sit on their mitts and don’t applaud. Who needs it?

  11:45 a.m. As I was wheelbarrowing my way past the office caravan in a chilly downpour, Madame Poco waved me over. She said if Captain Lapo delegated any more of his work to me, he could just retire and collect his old-age pension. I noticed he seemed to have considerable leisure to loiter about the coffee urn and chat up the midgets. So Mrs. Fulke put her excrement-caked foot down and told him she would not be feeding any more of those cute little live bunnies to the snakes. That was his job.

  “And what’dya thinka you wassa eatin’ for dinner lasta night?” he demanded.

  “We had grilled lapin. It was delicious.”

  “That’sa rabbit!”

  I trust the ignorant old fool was misinformed. Mrs. Fulke has adopted an ethical stand and for once is sticking to it.

  3:18 p.m. Still raining. What a mess. Madame Poco had another truckload of sawdust delivered, which we serfs swarmed over with rakes and shovels. Dispersed it about the public areas in a futile effort to keep the mud at bay. I found a wide sombrero-type hat in the camel van to shield Mrs. Fulke’s delicate face from the rain. Toiling away, I looked like the world’s oldest peasant, but was rarely given as much as a glance by the passing townies. Fortunate for them we aren’t living two centuries before. One word from me and those candy-munching aristocrats would be off to the guillotine. 7:05 p.m. I slipped in out of the rain and caught Mr. Granola’s act, which I’d characterize as the lazy man’s acrobatics. He stands there blowing his police whistle while his monkeys work out on a miniature trampoline. They perform back-flips, link up by tail in mid-air, leap onto the next guy’s shoulders until they’re stacked four high, etc. A real crowd-pleaser, since who isn’t charmed by the antics of our little primate cousins? Few would suspect that behind closed doors the monkey van is the scene of near nonstop total depravity. And what’s our genetic overlap with these crazed sex fiends? Over 96 percent, I’m told. It’s no wonder a healthy young primate like me is so on edge all the time. Let’s face it: I’m not getting my rightful share. And what about Mr. Granola? That British twit associates professionally with lecherous monkeys, yet stashes his wife in a distant country. I must remind Reina to bolt her door at all times.

  SUNDAY, July 24 — Question: When do circus people get a day off?

  Answer: In winter or when they die—whichever comes first.

  Today we have three shows scheduled, plus we move again tonight. And it’s still raining buckets. I wonder what suicide by letting yourself be sucked down into French mud would feel like?

  Well, Connie must be married and on her honeymoon by now. I’m sure I would have heard from her if things hadn’t gone as planned. Another Saunders successfully hog-tied. I hope the news gets back to Sheeni, and she is inspired by her brother’s example to come forward and resume her rightful place in my bed. I miss her dreadfully, and I’m sure she must feel the same way at least somewhat. Besides, a fetus should be at its father’s side if proper bonding is to take place. I’m not making that up. I read it somewhere in a magazine. Something to do with the timbre of the male voice resonating through the amniotic fluids. Too bad I hadn’t thought to cut out the article. I’d send it to Trent.

  2:26 p.m. Since Mrs. Fulke has ceased to be his doormat, Captain Lapo is manifesting new respect toward my alter ego. Carving up horsemeat for the bear, he mentioned that one can earn considerably more money in the circus if you work up some kind of act. For example, if there’s a glitch in the program, he runs out to do a little fire-eating. In a pinch he can also pull out the loose skin under his chin and pound a nail through it. Very helpful in keeping the townies appeased until the next act gets ready.

  He offered to teach me fire-eating, which he demonstrated after lunch. He tears narrow strips of cloth and wraps them tightly around the ends of his slim metal torches. These he dips in ordinary gasoline siphoned from the tank of the pony van. No, he doesn’t coat his lips or mouth with anything. He just lights a torch and straight in it goes, then he blows out great plumes of billowing fire. The trick, he says, is to exhale steadily while the torch is in your mouth. If you forget and inhale, gas fumes can be drawn down into your lungs and ignite with explosive consequences. He offered to let me try, but Mrs. Fulke shuddered and politely declined. Nor was she interested in the piercing routine when informed that no trick nails were employed. They are standard hardware-store nails pounded through living flesh. Do this daily and after a while you cease to bleed much. All very fascinating, but not for me.

  I could tell Captain Lapo was pegging me for a mere shit-shoveling circus dilettante. Jugglers, he declared, always had a place in the circus. Same for stilt-walkers. But Mrs. Fulke, he sneered, was “too old” to learn those arts.

  “Ever throw a knife?” he demanded.

  “No,” I admitted. “But I shot a man recently.”

  That impressed him, but sharpshooters, he said, were seldom employed by circuses these days. Too much trouble from the “damn insurance leeches.”

  11:48 p.m. On the road at last. I’m riding back with the camels this time as it is too hard on the nerves to watch the scenery crawl by at Iyad’s anemic pace. Has the guy no testosterone at all? He gets passed by nuns on scooters, for God’s sake. Rain stopped, but it was still murder packing up. Everyone and everything slipping and sliding in the mud. Roustabouts wrestling with dripping tents that can weigh double or triple their dry weight. Everyone short-tempered from fatigue. Ajax and Omar not happy about being asked to haul heavily loaded trucks out of deep muck. Sure those guys smell bad, but I’m beginning to see things from their point of view. What this circus really needs is an elephant or two. Can’t write any more. Somebody just passed the mother of all camel farts.

  MONDAY, July 25 — We’re in Poiters, one of the larger towns on our route. Could be good for Sheeni-spotting. Not exactly mountainous, but we’re atop a fair-sized hill. Seems well off the beaten path—where goateed young men might lay low to foster internal growth.

  Managed to cadge another shower from Reina after our usual erection-delayed breakfa
st. (I am speaking here of tent erections, although I cannot say I remained entirely flaccid within her sexy shower. Too bad she wasn’t in there with me.) She’s much friendlier these days since she found out I was just a kid and not a depraved virgin despoiler. Somehow, though, I have to subvert the new and ghastly sisterly feelings she is now manifesting toward me. I have a sister already. They are of limited usefulness, though Joanie usually can be counted on for a decent gift of birthday cash. That reminds me, I must think of a way to sneak her my address.

  After nearly a week of observation I can now categorize the men who are romantically interested in Reina. They are many and varied, but I’m dismissing from consideration all the roustabouts who strip her mentally every time she walks by. These oafs do not discriminate, sometimes even letting their lascivious glances linger on Mrs. Fulke’s knobby bod. No, I’m concerned here only with potential contenders.

  Most forward of the lot is the safari-garbed, monkey-manipulating Mr. Granley. Reina told me without embarrassment that she admires his “dry English wit,” no evidence of which I’ve seen. Fortunately, she thinks less of his clandestine wife. Then there is the tall clown Marcel Fazy, who paints his face as if someone just goosed him. He’s always watching her and occasionally dines at her table, though he doesn’t say much. I recognize all the subtle signs though. He’s got it bad. Next is the affable Spanish engineering student Carlos, who sells tickets and hawks snacks. Fairly good-looking and dangerously close to her age. Claims to be a bird lover, though I know the sort of birds he likes to love. She’s actually been in his caravan for drinks. Runaway camels may trample his prostrate body if he tries that again. Then there’s Iyad, whose incessant flirting may just be a cultural thing. My guess is his wife keeps him on a fairly short chain and must nightly drain dry his testosterone reserve. Finally, there’s Tarkan, the eldest son of the Batur clan. This is an entire family of crazed riders who fling themselves off their stampeding ponies to gyrate improbably in mid-air. Tarkan is a muscular lad from the Omar Sharif school of dark smoldering eyes. They smolder especially when he talks to Reina, which he does with alarming frequency. Hers sparkle a bit in return, I’ve noticed. We don’t see much of ol’ Tarkan socially since Mrs. Batur does all the cooking for her brood. He only drops by the cookhouse tent for the occasional coffee to go. Madame Poco tolerates this brazen pilferage despite the fact that the Batur compensation plan is said not to include free eats.