by Kara L. M.
“Let me understand, a break means we don’t talk or see each other and we date other people?” He confirmed.
My heart was begging me to stop this right now. I knew I wanted him and only him and did he just say date other people? I hated the idea of his beautiful lips on someone else. But my brain had already won. The guilt inside was stronger than the tugging on my heart.
“This isn’t what I want but I love you enough to let you do what you need to do.” He said with hurt in his voice. Finally he broke his poker face enough for me to see that he was struggling with this plan too.
“Yes.” I swallowed hard attempting to hide the jealousy I felt over him dating others.
“Liv I can’t promise anything.” He said weakly and the truth rang in his words. I knew what he meant. He was a teenage boy and had urges, but unlike a normal teenage boy his were magnified 100 times by his alien genetics and once I was gone his craving for adrenaline related activities would escalate.
“I, I can’t think about this or else I will change my mind.” My tears were full on now. I touched him one last time giving him a goodbye kiss and I whispered in his ear.
“If we're meant to be you will still want me after all of this.” Before I could read his expression I ran out of his house and balled the whole way home.
My Mom saw my tear stained face and her expression of concern and happiness was all too evident. I knew she was worried about me and Austin getting intimate at a young age. It became a nightly talk. The tears on my face confirmed to her that she was right and that I had made the right decision in her eyes. But why did it hurt so much? I felt like I was unplugging my life support by walking away from him. But that is why I was doing it right? To make sure I wasn’t just a battery for him or that I didn’t just crave his electricity. I knew we had more than that but any substance to our relationship had been swallowed up by the electric fog. The phenomenon would drown out my senses and allow me to fall deeper into his spell. It was life changing and that is why it terrified me so much. Was I meant to feel this kind of connection and emotion at my age? I pressed my face hard into my pillow until I fell asleep. My dreams betrayed me with his face and I couldn't get any rest.
My eyes were puffy from last night’s cry- a- thon and I decided to not go anywhere. I swallowed ibuprofen to ease the pain of my aching head. I glanced at my phone waiting for Austin’s morning text. Knowing it wouldn’t be there made my heart ache more. This is how it should be, I thought to myself. It is important for me to find myself again in order to be my best self for him if we really want to make it. I was grateful high school started next week, having class and homework again would be a good way to ignore the fact that my heart was broken.
That weekend my Mom went shopping with me for the school year. Her excitement was contagious as we searched through the clothes racks. Mom was always positive and I was grateful for that. She had been a perfect example of saving herself for marriage and ending up happy because of it. I wanted to be like her and make my father proud. The first day of school I reconnected with Katie and Samantha as we waited for the bus. They knew about my break up from my texts but they wanted the whole story.
“We were only making out, as in all the time. We stopped going out on dates and I just knew I couldn’t do this forever, I felt we needed a break.” I said as the bus headed to school. “Wow, I am proud of you. And can I just say that I missed you. We never saw you.” Said Katie. Of course she was proud of me, we both were raised as good girls and the way me and Austin were going she was probably sure I would drop out pregnant. “Thanks. And I know I haven’t seen you much this summer. I missed you guys too.” I said weakly as his face in my memory made me want to cry. “Well that sucks but you look totally gorgeous today and hello high school seniors!” Samantha squealed. I gave her a blank stare. “What? You both have to be excited for this. Hello its high school and what better way to start then by being single!” She crooned. Katie shook her head as if Samantha couldn't see my heart was breaking. “It will work out if it’s meant to be.” She said sweetly. I loved how Katie knew exactly what to say.
We pulled up to Brighton High. Here goes nothing I thought. I used to believe this day would be glorious but all I could think was how I hoped I wouldn’t see him in the halls. Or did I want to see him? We left the bus and my train of thought got muffled by the sound of several cars revving their engines. There was a blue Subaru WRX, black Toyota supra and several cars decked out in the back of the parking lot messing around. I thought I saw Trey, oh yes that was definitely him checking out a friends wheels. I laughed out loud thinking back to that night I was beyond excited to hang out with seniors. He had now become the epitome of horribleness that I now held all seniors to.
“Oh my gosh.” Samantha said. “I hope the seniors take us to lunch today!” She smiled widely. Her optimism on the high school experience was rubbing off on me. She was right. I had been waiting for this day for a long time. I am now single so I should do my best to act like it was going to be fun.
My first class was English and I didn’t have any friends in it. I noticed a few guys and girls from my middle school. A guy named Drew who was pretty cute sat next to me.
“You're looking hot.” He smiled at me. I couldn’t help but blush.
“Thanks, not looking so bad yourself Drew.”
“Well hello! I always look good.” He teased. Class started and I enjoyed being caught up in the idea of school work. Something to pass the inevitably long nights without Austin that was coming my way.
The rest of the day I didn’t run into Austin and I was a bit relieved. The more he wasn’t in my world the less I had to think of him. We ended up going to lunch with the seniors to Burger King. It felt freeing to spend lunch away from school. I wasn’t attracted to any of them except for bad boy Dennis. But I could tell he had every other girl’s attention. Which was fine with me, I was waiting for Austin even if it was a long hard wait.
After lunch I had biology. There were a few juniors in our class and a cute guy named Chris sat next to me. “So I hear we're going to be dissecting frogs.” He teased. “Are you serious?” I asked in shock. “Yes it should be cool.” “Gross, you can dissect my frog all you want and I will just assist.” I said as my stomach churned at the thought.
My last class was cooking and as I maneuvered through the crowd I saw him. He was insanely handsome in his black t shirt and light blue jeans. That was one of my favorite shirts because his defined muscles were shown off. His blonde hair was tousled around his face and those lips looked better than ever. I did my best not to stare at him as we passed each other. “Liv” He said as he nodded at me. “Hey Austin.” I smiled and hurried into class. Round one of seeing the ex during our break is over. I felt like I handled it well. All I wanted to do was jump into his arms and kiss those lips but I hadn’t. My fingers tingled at the prospect of receiving energy. He was so close and yet the opportunity had passed in an instance. It was insane how I felt like a drug addict fighting my craving to be with him, to feed off his energy.
My body was running on a high that made me feel strong. I didn’t have to have him. I wanted to but I could do this break. It would make me better. I searched for a seat when I saw Zeke. He smiled and waved me over, a friend like him would be perfect right now.
“Hey Zeke!” I smiled confidently. “Wow someone is in a good mood. Did you just get done making out with Austin or something?” He joked. My face dropped. I sat down and turned away. The idea of me and Austin locking lips was making my heart ache. I still loved him and would always. I desperately wanted his kiss and I craved his energy. Stupid Zeke for making me think about something so intimate after a triumphant moment. The pit in my stomach was winning and I was concerned that I wasn’t as strong as I had thought.
“Did I say something wrong?” He asked.
“Oh we are taking a break.” I responded, opening my book bag.
“Oh Liv, I am sorry.”
“It’s ok, it was my id
ea. If it’s meant to be it will work out.”
Class started and the drab mood lifted as we began our first cooking lesson. It was homemade macaroni and cheese. It seemed too simple, shredding cheese and mixing it over noodles but I was surprised to witness so much chaos. Kids were accidently grading their fingers instead of cheese, pots were overflowing with hot water and the smell of cheese burning in the pot was unappetizing. I couldn’t help but laugh at Zeke while he struggled with the grader. This class was going to be fun.
The ride home on the bus felt long as Samantha dished out every detail of her day including all the looks she got from boys and the seniors she had her eye on. I didn’t have much to say except that Drew was in my first class and Zeke was in my last. I didn’t mention seeing Austin but I was doing my best to forget about him until our break was over. One day down.
That night I was actually excited to do my homework. Nerd alert! It was nice to feel back on track. I longed for Austin to come over and study with me. But as much as I wanted to text him I knew we wouldn’t study which is the reason we were apart.
The rest of the week went better than I expected. I finally got the hang of where my classes were and I was enjoyed leaving campus for lunch. None of the senior boys in the lunch group caught my eye but not sure any could since my heart belonged to someone else even if it was on hold.
The homecoming dance was coming up. The chattering through the halls about who had been invited bombarded my ears. My friends were debating on who had been asked in the most creative way. In Utah it isn’t enough to call someone up or ask in person. It was expected that you ask in an elaborate way that usually involved a large poster and treats.
Samantha had been asked with helium filled balloons all over her room last night. The note said. “I would be on cloud nine if you went to homecoming with me.” She rattled on about how she had to pop each balloon trying to find the name of the guy who asked her. “I can’t believe it was Drew!” She gushed. I was happy for her. Drew was a cute guy on the football team and most the girls liked him. “So who would you want to go with, Zeke maybe?” She asked me. “Oh I don’t know, I am sure he has a date.” Plus my mind was on Austin and how I should have started our break after the dance to save me from this humiliation. Gosh Liv, get it through your head this is the way it should be for now I reminded myself. “Well Drew has some friends.” She started but I interrupted before she could say another word. “Oh no it’s fine; I don't want a pity date.” Although I have to admit going to the dance would be a fun distraction and who doesn't love to pick out a dress?
Two weeks until homecoming dance and three weeks since Austin and me started our break. I was feeling back to my old self. But I also was feeling short of being alive. It is strange how his effect on me was that powerful. I was proud of my progress but I felt empty. My body was starting to experience real cravings for his electric touch. What made it worse was that I knew I loved him. I was starting to cave. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I slid on the little yellow dress that he loved and quickly made my way to his house. I wasn't sure how we were supposed to work physically with my moral code but I knew we had to try. Being inches from him in the halls of high school and not touching was torture. Seeing him doing fine without me cut like a knife and even though Zeke’s flirting was a fun distraction he would never fulfill me like Austin.
I rounded the corner of the neighborhood and my heart skipped a beat when I saw his house. I pictured me running up and him lifting me into an electric embrace and feeling our connection. But as I daydreamed I noticed his jeep pulling up from the other side of the street. He wouldn't have seen me from this angle so I could still sneak up and surprise him. My stomach was in knots. I get a bit closer and my nerve endings lit up with anticipation of his touch. I was about to break out into a run when I saw he wasn't alone. Austin wasn’t leaving his car and for a good reason. A brunette with curly hair was wrapped around him. I was too late. How could I be too late? I turned around and ran as fast as my flip flops could go. The tears started pouring. He moved on. I guess I needed to as well.
That night I dressed in my pajamas early and crawled into bed. I couldn’t get the vision of that girl wrapped around the guy of my dreams. I sobbed some more. He was more than a guy, he was special and used to be all mine, but not anymore. I had to remind myself that I put him in this situation. He was living in the way he had to without me. I needed to respect that until our break was over. I hope he would still want me once it was over.
The next day I knew I had to wear something to boost my confidence. Today was a new day and I needed to move on. Carly let me raid her closet and I settled on a red mini skirt with a white tight top. She threw in some white heels and I felt like I had stepped off a page in a magazine. She helped me curl my hair which felt ironic but I didn’t care. It was time to be Liv the untouchable high school hottie I had always wanted to be. Carly drove me to school which made my fresh start feel real. She blasted music and we chatted about boys.
“Any news on the dance yet?” She asked. “Well no but I am only a sophomore so I don’t expect much.” I replied. “Well one look at you today and that will change.” She winked at me. I hoped she was right. I needed the dance as a distraction. We entered the parking lot and she chose a space near the back. As we exited the car I noticed the lunch seniors standing in front of their rides as usual. They whistled at us. “I told you that skirt would work, you have great legs!” Carly squealed. “I’m sure it was for you not me.” I smiled back.
It was awkward walking in the tall heels but I did my best to strut into first period. Drew perked up when he saw me and I could tell his eyes were lingering more than usual. Mission accomplished I was being noticed. I didn’t need Austin. This is how high school was suppose to feel, free and exciting. “Your legs are amazing” Drew said without a shred of embarrassment. It was refreshing to be around someone confident. I was used to being with Austin who would tell me those things but it had been awhile. Thanks I said as I smiled and sat down.
The rest of the day went well, although I could have done without the random butt smack in the hallway. That is probably why my Dad wasn’t a fan of me wearing skirts above the knee. Before lunch one of Dennis's friends James came over to ask if I wanted to bring some friends and go to lunch with them. James was a skinny tall red head and I believe he drove the WRX. These guys were trouble, but lunch couldn't hurt. I grabbed Katie and Samantha who were more than willing to go. We left school and entered the parking lot full of people pulling out for lunch. We headed to the line of cars in the back, the infamous bad boy senior group. James threw his arm around me.
“So Liv, what's your story.” He asked sweetly. Before I could respond I saw Austin getting out of his truck with the brown curly mess girl. I noticed his annoyed expression as I turned my eyes and laughed in a flirting way towards James. Dennis was leaning against his car like a Greek god. I was now up for the challenge of getting to know him better. It almost took my mind off seeing the love of my life that broke my heart last night without even knowing it. I peeked over in Austin’s direction watching his arm around the curly mess then suddenly a guy came up from behind me and lifted me up in the air. “She’s coming with me.” He yelled.
A muscular brunette senior carried me to his car. “I’m Tyson, and trust me you don’t want to ride in anyone else’s car but mine, those guys can’t drive!” He smiled. He was not at cute as Dennis but his strength and attitude made him attractive. I was so caught up in the attention I didn’t notice Austin had been glaring at me the whole time. I flirted heavily with Tyson as we buckled up and drove off; hoping Austin would see what he was missing. The newfound attention almost stripped away the pain I was feeling when I saw Austin with her, almost.
Lunch consisted of tacos and pick up lines; I slowly learned more about the car guys in between there jokes and massive mouthfuls of nachos. Obviously they were obsessed with cars. They love to race on the weekends and invited me to come sometime. Tys
on and James were the most talkative of the group and Dennis was clearly not interested. He practically stared at his phone the whole time. It only added to my curiosity of him. Whizzing back to school and feeling the pressure of speed as my head pushed into the seat was electrifying! Maybe not to the extent of Austin’s touch but it was a decent replacement. I knew I had a new addiction to be hooked too. These boys were not the type to have girlfriends. They were free spirits that chased girls who would go along for the ride. This was perfect for the transition I was in.
Back at school I was on my way to cooking class when I saw Austin. With all the attention I had received today I was greedy to find myself hoping I would get some from him too. But his eyes were hard and he wasn’t going to say hello. We were just about to pass in silence, but as fate would have it I slipped on water on the linoleum and I crumbled to the ground sending my books across the hall. I quickly tried to compose myself but he was there, offering a hand. I reached for it knowing there would be a price as we exchanged power. The tingle re-started my heart but I fought against the happy feelings it brought. I tried to focus on my heart break from the other night.
“You should be more careful.” He said harshly. “Oh yes, because I love to fall on invisible water.” I griped. He stopped me and put his hand on my shoulder which made it tingle with power. “The fall isn’t what I was talking about.” I quickly realized he meant this afternoon’s charade and more than likely the company I was with. “Well it’s none of your concern.” I said flatly. I swiftly picked up my books and stomped off to class. “Liv.” He said softly. But I didn’t turn around. If he could move on so easily I knew I had to try too.
Cooking class was always a blast. Zeke had me laughing over how much cinnamon to add to the sugar doodles. I was pretty sure he over did it but it was hilarious watching him try to scoop the excess out. Unlike the car guys or Austin, Zeke was warm and real. The best part was he wanted to be my friend. Thank goodness for that. Before class ended Zeke invited me to his first soccer game. “I love to watch soccer.” I smiled. “Who wouldn’t?” He grinned back.