All That We Say or Seem

by Cole Delacour

  The ghosts I had seen in the basement - silvery specters, paralyzed in death by their murderous deeds in life, burrowed and buried in the tomb they had constructed - the temple to some unknown monstrosity - rose up through the floor. A fine mist of their overstretched consciousnesses spreading, leaking and trailing over the smooth wood.

  "James!"

  My eyes leapt to him. Though his hair remained perfectly in place - loose as it cascaded over his pale forehead, his clothing matched those I had left behind in the waking world. Soft pants and shirt - the gentle bindings of those not fighting their confinement. He said he wanted to get better, hadn't he? Said he decided to go into Crables Manor despite his father wanting him to stay at home.

  Did he wish to cure himself of his sixth sense? Or his homosexuality?

  I hadn't asked. Hadn't had the chance to, and an always anxious part of me needed to know - but not know. Not yet. Not when he was in front of me, trying to get to me with terror lighting his eyes.

  "Gray," I called in return, and maybe I should have been more cautious. Maybe I shouldn't have run through those spirits, but how could I have resisted his panicked call? He stood upon the stairway, glancing back and forward as if he couldn't tell which way led to a worse fate. "I'm coming, Gray. Just stay there!"

  His long fingers curled about the railing as he pressed himself to them as if to shield himself. Tears gathered along his dark lashes. "No!" he cried. "You've got to wake up, James. Get out before they get you too!"

  "Not without you!"

  I jumped without thinking. The mist buzzed about my feet, but it was thin. I could see the floor. I could get to him. They were paralyzed. Even if they spread about my feet, they couldn't stop me.

  But they did. They wrapped around my legs, clinging as they wove their way up my calves. Becoming as thick as molasses, they solidified. Hands grabbing, arms wrapping, faces pressing as they condensed.

  "James, you have to leave!" Gray pleaded. Tears poured down his face.

  God, I just wanted to hold him. To wrap my arms around him and carry him out of this hell. Everything hurt. I just wanted to lift him, carry him, hold him, steal him away from the nightmare, and in his beautiful eyes, I saw my own reflection - torn and bloody and frozen in time. Unable to protect him.

  However, this was just a dream. Another stretch of horror built between death and my imagination. I couldn't get to him. They bound me up, stole away the strength in my body and pressed into the joints until my knees buckled. Eventually, if I remained, they would drag me under.

  Static electricity buzzed along the lines of my tattoos. The black lines glowed, burning brighter and brighter beneath my clothes. The ends on my left shoulder where they curled around buzzed. Sparks flying, snapping out into the thick air.

  I reached out, trying to press my weight forward, but my feet remained firmly stuck. "Gray - I'm coming! I promise! I'll get you out of here!"

  "Don't," he sobbed. "It could kill you!"

  "Gray - "

  "I'm sorry." My world spun as he backed away. "You were right. It's easier if I forget, but I can't - not when it's - not when it's this close. I'm going to burn again, and I know this will be the last time. I don't want you to see that. To live with that! Please, just forget about me! I'm already as good as dead."

  "I can't," I whispered. "I love you."

  He shook his head. "This is my mess, James, and I don't regret it. Not a single moment if it meant meeting you. You're brilliant, and there's some fantastic man out there who'll sweep you off your feet."

  "I don't want anyone else," I roared, fighting against the burning in my arm and the lead weights of the dead wrapped around my feet. "Gray, I love you. I'm not leaving you here!"

  Shadows curled down the stairs. Ose and Carreau descended with their white coats and slick smiles. At first, Gray flinched away, but as his eyes landed on me once more, he lurched to the side, almost flinging himself at them.

  "Take me," he pleaded. "Let him go! Please!"

  Carreau wrapped his arms around Gray, pulling him into his chest as I screamed, unable to find words as I fought futilely. "Oh, little bird, you know we can't do that."

  "We need two bodies, Theodore," Ose said - his swirling image clear for the first time as he set his dark eyes on me. Licking his lips, he pulled Carreau into a heated kiss, pressing Gray between them. "I can't wait to truly touch you again," he moaned.

  His fingers slipped through the ephemeral shades of Carreau's shadowy form as the hall stretched, taking Gray further and further from me. The two mad doctors nuzzled each other. The softness of their expressions contrasted with their hands, positioned like claws on Gray, holding him in place between them.

  "Don't! Gray! I'm coming for you!" The electricity buzzed along my body, and my blood rushed, pulsating beneath my skin as I managed to lift my foot. The mist crawled up my body, their hands grabbing at me. "Governess? Florence!? Help me?" I begged. She always came when I mentioned her - even the allusion to her had sent me back to waking as she stole Gray away. Maybe this time - maybe she could save him.

  Somewhere above us, Rory shrieked. Like a banshee, the cry curdled my blood, drawing darkness in from the edges of my vision. Two arms stretched from the wall. Delicate hands wrapped around Gray, pulling him free as a somber face stared at me. Pale gray eyes in a dour countenance.

  The room rippled. Blackness consumed, but all I could hear was his final cry as Gray proclaimed, "James, I love you!"

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Why don’t you eat something?

  "I’m not hungry."

  The hollow pit in my stomach disagreed, but it had the decency to not protest out loud. Back and forth, less than twelve but not quite so small as to be eleven steps took me from one end of the room to the other. All along, the stand followed, cold metal in my hand as the IV continued to drip, hooked into me. Pumping me full of nutrients, right? They had to be sterile. Sterile meant pure. I could still save Gray. Ose and Carreau couldn’t - wouldn’t win. I just needed to have some way to verify the time. Needed to be sure what day it was.

  "Maybe you should sit down," the doctor suggested, but he made no move to force me.

  Shaking my head, I began the loop once more. "I’m good."

  "Pacing won’t bring Dr. Haggard here any faster," he intoned.

  Not that it mattered. He said Professor Haggard agreed to come early. He said it was afternoon on December 31st, but there were no windows, and he could be lying. Just because we were taught to minimize anything that might break the patient’s trust didn’t mean he wouldn’t believe his lies were in good faith. If he thought lying would help me...no. This wasn’t Crables. He wasn’t Carreau - or Ose. He had no reason to lie. I’d been reasonable. Extremely accommodating and thoughtful. Avoided overly emotional reactions. Refused the burning desire to tear the room apart. I just needed to talk to Haggard. Rory would help me. I could get through to him. I could still do this.

  "While we’re waiting, let’s talk. Why do you think Tom believed you were struggling?" He waited, but I could only shrug and deny. "Your grades are good. You’ve obviously formed some strong friendships - especially with your psych classmates…"

  "Cheyenne - a girl in my psych group project - had us do this lucid dreaming experiment. That messed up my sleep cycle. Things got rough for a while, and I’m pretty sure that freaked Tom out, but I got myself back together before Thanksgiving. I don’t think one all-nighter should get me seventy-two hours in here," I retorted, pausing to meet his eyes. Eye contact mattered. I had to look impatient - not anxious.

  On the bed, Rory stretched. His arms remained trapped in long sleeves, but the bindings seemed looser than before. Almost as if he could unloop them with just a bit of contorting, but I couldn’t ask. Couldn’t talk to him at all. Not without looking absolutely insane. We couldn’t coordinate. All I could do was wait. Hope.

  "So you believe Tom…"

  "Overreacted. He’s got a great family," I told the doctor. "He
doesn’t exactly understand that might not be the case for everyone."

  "And it isn’t true for you?"

  Here it was. Drop the bomb. Get the pity and hope it would be my jail free card. I just had to say it, but - what if he thought it was a reason to believe I would hurt myself? What if they called my parents? What if they tried to use this to send me back home? Put me in one of those conversion camps - like Ted Hennisy’s cousin went to - the ones my dad said weren’t tough enough.

  "No." I leaned against the end of the bed, staring down at the psychiatrist. "I got into Harvard on my own. Paid my own way here. Applied to all the scholarships I could, wrote essays, worked three jobs. If my parents knew about my savings, my dad would’ve expected me to give it to the family - to his beer fund and the church." Dr. Kedves nodded solemnly, but while his eyes remained on me, I could see his pen moving. "I’m breaking away from them, and - yeah, sure, the process hasn’t been smooth, but this is the best I’ve been in a long time."

  He nodded more, darting his gaze to his notebook. "How long have you been planning to get away from your family?"

  "Parents," I corrected - not that I had any other family. "Since middle school."

  Another nod. "Any particular reason?"

  "Tell him," Rory commanded. Sitting up, he stared at me. His tan face pale and eyes wide. "Don’t make Gray the first person. He’s gonna keep so many of your secrets. Don’t make you loving him one of them." His hand reached out, resting on my shoulder. The bindings of the jacket eroded away.

  Maybe it was the weight of his hand. Maybe the small bit of reassurance was all I needed. Just a bit of encouragement. So easy to give, yet no one had known before, and I didn’t dare to tell them. Not after -

  Closing my eyes, I sighed. I could do this. They weren’t here. I could tell the truth. He didn’t seem like he’d be the same...but not everyone disgusted by someone like me looked a certain way. Made it all the harder to say it. To hope that Dr. Kedves didn’t intend to use it against me. As if the people I love could be turned into a weapon - the way I loved and who I loved being daggers all too easy to turn against me.

  But Rory was right. Gray deserved to never be my secret - not once I’d brought him though. If I didn’t start saying it now, it’d be all too easy to pretend I had good reasons not to own to it later.

  "I’m gay."

  Dr. Kedves studied me a moment. His eyes softened like melting chocolate. "Have you told them?"

  "Not yet."

  "What about Tom?" I shook my head, and his brow rose. "Am I the first person you’ve told?"

  "First living soul," I confessed with a shrug that I could tell wasn’t nearly as blasé as I had hoped. "But Zeke - I wandered into his shop, and I think - I think he kind of realized. I couldn’t say it, but…"

  My heart thundered in my chest. I tried to focus on the frustration and desire to leave - the voice demanding him to connect the dots and let me go. To see that I was dealing with things the best way I could. Most of me - most of me was just relieved.

  "And you stayed here over Christmas break to avoid your parents…"

  "I’ve worked so hard to accept who I am and admit to myself that I’m gay - I don’t want to have to go back to hating myself - to find myself having to play along or get the shit beat out of me or worse. But…" I trailed off, glaring at the door, but Professor Haggard seemed like he’d never come. "I’m not brave enough to tell them. I know what they’ll say, and I know they’ve never been exactly great with me anyway, but I’m not ready to - I’m just not ready. Not yet."

  "I imagine that’s a very difficult place to be." An understatement but I could appreciate his sentiment.

  Still, he seemed to expect a response. "Honestly, I just feel rushed. Tom would’ve understood to just let me take my time and figure things out if I had told him, but I’m not ready to tell him. He’s my roommate, what if he freaks? And even if he doesn’t - he’s not exactly the best secret keeper."

  As he nodded, scratching words into his book, a knock echoed before Professor Haggard opened the door. Immediately, Dr. Kedves jumped to his feet. "Dr. Haggard! Thank you for coming so early!"

  "Of course," his eyes slid to me. "James, glad to see you up and around!"

  "Rearing to clear up whatever mess Tom made," I informed him.

  "Yes, why don’t you eat while I confer with Dr. Haggard," the psychiatrist encouraged, and with a sigh, I made a show of getting into the bed and starting to open the sandwich until he nodded, head bobbing before Dr. Kedves guided Haggard aside.

  While I pushed the tray away, Rory scoffed - leaning halfway through the door. "The doc thinks you aren’t a suicide risk." I resisted responding, but hope swelled inside my chest regardless. "My brother doesn’t believe Tom’s prone to exaggeration, but he does believe it’s a misunderstanding." He came back, flying to my side. "Cover the sandwich! Don’t take it! It doesn’t matter - they think - "

  The door opened, and both doctors stared at me as I blinked. "So am I getting to go back to my dorm room?"

  "We agree that it would be best -"

  "They’re going to keep you as a precaution. Tell them about - crap - there has to be a way - if they’d let you talk to my brother alone, I could - "

  "Dr. Haggard personally knows the tattoo artist - "

  "I’ve known Zeke for years. He used to run with my brother. I can assure you - he’d understand the situation, and I can pass on a message to him if you’d liked - "

  "I told him about Gray! He saw the tattoos! Show him!"

  All their voices blended. A cacophony beating me down like the ocean’s tide beating, rushing, eroding the ever weakening shore. Setting down the uneaten sandwich, I rolled up the sleeve of my right arm, and one by one, they fell silent. Dr. Kedves frowned, brows furrowing, but Professor Haggard paled, and Rory gasped - his hands reaching out in wonder at his brother immediately recognizing the marks on my body.

  "That’s - that’s an interesting design," Professor Haggard whispered, and the older doctor frowned all the more for his contemporary’s tone. "Where did you find it?"

  "Zeke," I said.

  Gliding around his brother, Rory studied the lines of his face. "Tell him - tell him you met Gray. I told him. He’ll be curious. He’s always so curious. He’ll want to know."

  "I’d like to get it finished, and if we could go to Zeke’s, I’m open to explaining more. I’m sure you have questions for him. Win-win. If you still think I need another forty-eight hours in here after that - fine." All the lies in the world couldn’t darken my soul enough to stop me from trying to get to Gray.

  After a moment, Dr. Kedves reached out, but Professor Haggard flinched, pulling away as a shade shifted across his face. "Why don’t you explain it now?" Haggard’s shoulders squared off - tension straightening his spine to military perfection.

  "You plan on keeping me here against my will. I’ve calmly answered all of Dr. Kedves’s questions, but obviously, that isn’t working. If I failed to recognize that…" I gestured for him to finish the thought himself. "Plus, the food in here is horrible. I’m craving some Chinese from The Great Wall. It’s right down the street from Zeke’s."

  "Dr. Haggard…" the older psychiatrist warned, but my psych professor held up his hand.

  "Okay, James. Why don’t we see if Zeke’s up for that deal?" Pulling out his cell phone, he dialed the number and set it on speaker phone. All the while I prayed Zeke could be subtle. Could play along.

  "Zeke’s Tattoos. Zeke speaking."

  Staring me down, Professor Haggard lifted the phone slightly closer to his face. "Hi, Zeke. This is Ari Haggard, Rory’s brother? I’m here with James. He says he had an appointment with you yesterday."

  "Yeah! Should’ve known you two would know each other! I’m glad the kid’s alright. He’s never missed an appointment before," Zeke informed the room.

  Leaning forward, I forced a smile. "Sorry, Zeke! Pulled an all nighter and scared my roommate. Any chance you can do the left arm to
day?"

  Zeke chuckled. "For you, kid? Of course!"

  Frowning, Professor Haggard asked, "Why did you say you should’ve known we’d know each other, Zeke?"

  "He knows I’m a psych student at Harvard," I said before Zeke could reply.

  "And you can’t shut the kid up about your class," Zeke added. "Talks my ear off whenever I’m working on him. Professor Haggard this and that - not that I understand any of it."

  "Of course." His lips peeled back into a snarling smile. "Well, I’ll make sure James makes his appointment. Four o’clock?"

  "Four o’clock! I’ll be there."

  And with a curt goodbye, Professor Haggard shut his phone. "Let’s get your clothes."

  Dr. Kedves sputted. "Dr. Haggard - I would highly recommend against - "

  Haggard turned the poisonous grin to his peer. "I’ll take over Mr. Madison’s care from here, Dr. Kedves."

  Rory flew back. His hands tearing at the growing sleeves of his jacket. "Hold off," he cried, "Just a little longer. I’ve got to stay here - he needs my help!"

  But whoever heard his pleas failed to listen. A shadow loomed, and with an ear-piercing scream, Rory dove over it, vanishing along with the towering shade of what I could only guess was Dr. Carreau. However, even freed from the phantom’s influence, a mad glint remained in Professor Haggard’s eyes.

  A run to Crables Manor. I could do it. Whatever it took. Just one night more. I could save him.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Putting back on clothes after wearing the loose hospital gown felt like what I’d imagine a snake would feel trying to crawl back into a shaded coil of skin. I tugged at the hems. They weren’t mine. The doctors cut them off - ridiculous, cause they didn’t need to assess me, but there I was - with sweatpants and a T-shirt and hoodie that weren’t mine. Clean but not right.

  Luckily, my shoes and socks were my own. Underwear too - thank goodness. They offered me the tattered remains, and while I grabbed my wallet and room key, I let them chuck the rest. Not worth the effort to bring them back to the dorm just to throw them out.