American Babe

by Babe Walker

  “Have you seen my short friend?” I asked the youngest Jenner girl—I can never remember her name—as she passed me, putting my hand over the phone so that Scott wouldn’t hear me asking where Knox was. I figured she was also a child, so maybe she’d been hanging out with Knox or at least knew where I could find him.

  “You mean that little boy you came in with?” the Jenner said.

  “Yes! You know where he is?”

  “No. He’s super cute, though. He was showing us how to make origami before.”

  “Oh, cute! I mean, how cute is he?!”

  “So cute,” she agreed, emotionless.

  “But you have no idea where he is?”

  “None whatsoever,” Jenner said. “Do you?” she asked her friend.

  “Who?” said the friend, not looking up from her phone, hair covering her face. It totally might’ve been Caitlyn Jenner, but I was too wrapped up in the missing child case at hand to investigate further. But Caitlyn, if you’re reading this, I love you and truly admire your choice to hire Jen Rade as your stylist—the white custom Versace dress at the ESPYs was a fashion moment I’ll tell my future kids about.

  “Forget it!” I shouted at them and stormed off into the bar.

  I was getting proper nervous now.

  “Scott?! Are you still there?” I said, stepping out into the hallway. “Okay, tell me what to do. I get it. I fucked up.”

  “Hey, I’m here. It’s okay. If Knox is there with you then it’s fine. But I want you guys to get on a plane to Baltimore first thing in the—”

  “He’s not here! OKAY!? I lied!” I said pathetically into the phone. “I fucking lost him! He’s probably dead!!”

  Then I felt a pull on the back of my jacket. I spun around so fast that I almost threw my phone across the room. It was little Knoxie. Thank Christ.

  “Babe. What the actual fuck? You left me in there.”

  “Just kidding!” I said into the phone.

  “You found him?” asked Scott.

  “He’s right here.”

  “Can you put him on the phone?”

  “It’s Scott, the coach from your school,” I said, handing the phone to Knox. We both sat on the floor with our backs against the wall. My back was hurting from the bed at Roman’s, and I was fucking exhausted from the drama of the previous twenty minutes. TBH, I needed another drink.

  “Hey, Mr. Chapman . . . Yeah . . . I’m fine . . . It wasn’t her fault . . . I was just wandering around on my own . . . I know . . . I know . . . Yeah, I understand . . . It’s tomorrow . . . Really? . . . But . . . My mom said that? . . . Okay . . . Yeah, I know . . . Yeah, we did . . . Lots of Prada. Like, tons of Prada . . . I know, I’m kind of dying . . . Uh-huh. . . . Okay, I will . . . Yeah . . .”

  Knox handed the phone back to me. He did look pretty wiped out.

  “Hey, Scott, it’s me.”

  “So here’s what’s gonna happen now. I need you to pay attention.”

  “I’m listening, I swear.”

  “Okay. There’s a flight out of LA at 9:30 a.m. that I want you guys on.”

  “Scott, the MasterChef Junior audition is tomorrow. I’m obvs taking Knox to the audition. Don’t be crazy.”

  He paused for a second. I heard a deep, pensive breath.

  “You’re a smart person, right, Babe?”

  “Is this a test?”

  “No.”

  “Yes, I’m fucking smart. Hello? You met me.”

  “Well, as a fellow smart person, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that sometimes we do things because our heart tells us to, not because they are actually smart decisions. Do you know what I mean when I say that?”

  “Please don’t patronize me. I’m wasted and did a little bit more MDMA tonight than I had originally wanted to, but I’m not a child. So you don’t need to speak to me like I am.”

  “Babe, you literally kidnapped someone else’s child, an individual for whom you have no guardian’s rights, no legal papers stating that you’re his caretaker, nothing.”

  “You clearly don’t understand the bond that’s been born between Knox and myself,” I said, winking at Knox who was now leaning on my shoulder and starting to doze off.

  “What you’re doing is illegal, and the sentence for kidnapping in this country can be anywhere between fifteen years to life in prison. Do you like prison movies?”

  The world stopped in this moment. I thought about Scott’s question for a while. So long, in fact, that he started just shouting my name over and over until I finally said something.

  “We’ll come back tomorrow.”

  “Thank you.”

  “As long as there are seats left in first class.”

  Scott laughed. He had the best laugh, very masc, very sexy. And that meant he didn’t hate me.

  “There are. I already checked because I knew you’d ask.”

  “Oh, okay, that’s creepy slash amazing. Are you my husband, Scott? Seriously, I feel like we have a super deep—”

  “Get some sleep. You’re doing the right thing. Now get a cab and go home.”

  “We are, we are. I’m hanging up.”

  “Okay. I’ll call Veronica now and let her know that you guys are coming back in the morning.”

  I was about to hit the “end” button on my phone but I pulled it back up to my ear. “You still there?”

  “Yeah, what’s up?” he said.

  “Nothing. Just . . . thanks for looking out for Knox.”

  “Oh, yeah, sure thing. I love that fuckin’ kid.”

  I hung up. A single tear. Without even trying.

  Knoxie and I literally ran the fuck out of the hotel, no good-byes. We hopped into a cab, and I told the driver the address to my dad’s house. I knew Roman’s place would still be a party at this hour.

  “We’re going to your house?” Knox asked, watching the city pass us through the window.

  “Yeah, it just makes more sense. I’ll schedule for a messenger to bring all of our shit over, so don’t worry about that. And I already organized shipment of your Barneys stuff to your house.”

  “Okay.”

  I felt guilt. I hate feeling guilt. But I’d let my wonderful, vulnerable new love down tonight. I was supposed to be a role model, not get sloshed and lose him at the Chateau.

  “You okay?” I asked quietly, unsure if he’d fallen asleep.

  “I’m okay. It was fun. Just a lot of people. I didn’t know what to do or say. I normally know what to say to people. Tonight I felt, like, weird about myself.”

  “That has nothing to do with you. It’s just LA. It can make people feel bad about themselves.”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” he said, adjusting in his seat to face me. “I still think I’m fierce. LA won’t change that.”

  “Yes!!” I shouted. The cabdriver gasped.

  By the time we got to my house, it was almost 4:30 a.m. Knox climbed out of the cab and stood in the driveway looking at the property.

  “I almost can’t believe I’m really here.”

  “It’s gorge, right?” I said, handing a hundred-dollar bill to the driver and telling him to drive away quietly. I really didn’t want to wake Mabinty because she has a gun.

  “It’s so gorge. It’s, like, insane that you grew up here.”

  “It’s not that weird. Get over it.”

  “Let me just enjoy this moment, okay?”

  “You’re a freak, and I love you.”

  “You’re a way bigger freak, Babe. Like, the biggest freak I’ve basically ever met. You break every rule ever and . . .”

  “What?”

  “I’m glad we came, even if it all didn’t work out with the show.”

  “Don’t worry about that right now. I’m so fucking tired. Let’s go inside.”

  We walked over to the guesthouse, and I showed him to a room he could sleep in. He was right about this house. It’s amazing, the history between these walls. SO many chic moments, so many tragic moments, an old fuck-buddy even died here.
Remember that mess? Just so much fucking Babe Walker life force everywhere. I was glad Knox was here to enjoy some of that.

  I couldn’t sleep because I was still fucked up. So I texted my dad.

  Babe Dad

  Dad Babe

  Babe Where are you

  Dad Berlin

  Dad Julianne is being honored at a film festival here and there’s a big party for her so she invited Lizbeth and I

  Babe Moore?

  Dad Yes darling

  Babe Chic

  Dad What are you doing up? You’re in LA, yes? Isn’t it 5 in the morning there

  Babe Yes. Long story. I’m here with Knox. We’re at the house.

  Babe it’s really nice to be home

  Babe I missed it here. I miss you.

  Dad I miss you madly darling. How’s it going with the Donna of it all

  Babe Oh she’s such a bitch. But I love Knox

  Babe I’m so excited for you to meet him

  Dad I’d like that

  Dad Any developments on the paternity front?

  Babe I mean

  Babe I’m pretty much positive that he’s my brother. We’re just too similar to be merely kin. He’s a miniBabe

  Dad Sounds frightful

  Babe Oh fuck off dad

  Dad You know I’m only joking darling

  Babe Sure

  Babe :)

  Babe I kinda fucked up tonight though dad

  Dad Tell me darling. I’m all ears. Just here in the room waiting for Lizbeth to finish dressing. We’re going to a few museums today before the event tonight

  Babe Boring

  Dad You know she likes museums. I couldn’t give less of a shit about museums.

  Dad But she likes them.

  Dad So, we’ll go for a few hours.

  Babe You’re sweet

  Dad I’ve been trying

  Babe So earlier tonight I got really drunk and lost Knox at The Chateau and this boy I like from Maryland called me to tell me I was irresponsible and he basically attacked me, dad, and I felt so stupid because the last thing I want to do is fuck up Knoxie AT ALL. He’s so presh.

  Dad What? Where is he now?? Tell me you found him.

  Babe Yes duh

  Babe I’m not a complete moron. Jesus.

  Dad Good. You could go to jail Babe. You don’t want to go to jail.

  Dad You do have his mother’s permission to have him in LA don’t you darling?

  Babe Yeah basically

  Dad What do you mean basically

  Babe It’s fine dad. I’m taking him back to Maryland in a few hours and life will resume to normal, boringness

  Babe The adventure is over

  Babe It’s fine. I’m fine.

  Dad Are you sure darling?

  Babe Yeah

  Dad Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?

  Babe Actually yeah. while I have you, I want to get your opinion on a purchase I’ve been mulling over.

  Dad I’m not buying you a baby elephant. Baby elephants grow to full grown elephants, you know that right? Besides, you’re hardly at the house anymore. It would go neglected. The whole bloody thing would be a stich up, and while I appreciate that you’re going after what you want in life, this is just a battle you’re going to lose, love.

  Babe Relax

  Babe I’m not gonna ask you to buy a baby elephant again.

  Dad Thank god. What is it then?

  Babe I’m thinking of buying myself a plane.

  Dad With what money?

  Babe Not worrying about that yet. But hear me out. I’m basically becoming Knox’s big sister/mentor/sherpa/personal shopper and for him to flourish the way he deserves to, he’s going to need to be meeting with me at least once quarterly, if not monthly. This is a big turning point moment in his life and he just needs someone like me there by his side making sure that he stays chic and major and good. Remember how malleable and spongelike I was when I was ten?

  Dad Of course I remember. I remember taking you to see Hole and praying that you wouldn’t start idolizing Courtney Love.

  Babe But I do idolize Courtney Love. Less now in light of recent accusations that she may have been involved in a conspiracy to kill Kurt, but I’m not emotionally stable enough to get into that at the moment.

  Dad I think she did it.

  Babe Don’t say that, Dad.

  Dad Darling, she is a hoodlum. That’s why you love her.

  Babe God damnit, you’re always right. Anyway, what do you think of my Babe Airways idea?

  Dad I think it’s ridiculous.

  Babe Really?

  Dad I think if your bond with this lad is as strong as you say it is, you’ll find a way to stay in his life.

  Babe I’m happy you’re happy but I’m sad that you’re not gonna buy me a plane for becoming a better person over the last week.

  Dad Absolutely not.

  Babe Fine

  Dad I’m proud of you Babe. I know you may have fucked up a wee bit by bringing him out to LA but I know your heart was in the right place, that’s my girl.

  Babe Thanks Dad

  Babe That means a lot

  Babe I’m crying

  Dad Don’t cry darling

  Babe I’m not really.

  Babe I thought you might change your mind about the plane if you thought I was that emotionally invested but it’s whatever.

  Dad I respect that you tried.

  Babe Thanks

  Babe Okay. I should try to sleep for like five minutes before we have to catch our flight. I’m fucking exhausted and hungover already and just need to namaste for a moment. I love you

  Dad I love you more.

  Babe Oh and tell Lizbeth that I’m still working on my mantra. I know she doubted me

  Dad She never doubted you, darling. She only wants what’s best for you. She wants you to find your path and do it with pride and strength

  Babe EEEWWWWWW

  Babe You sound like her

  Dad You’re right

  Dad I’ve been with the woman for a few days straight. And don’t get me wrong, she’s lovely, but I don’t want to sound like a yoga teacher.

  Dad Thanks for always being honest with me.

  Dad Keep your head up, darling. You know I love you.

  Babe Love you too.

  Babe Just for shits, what is she wearing to the event?

  Dad Let me ask her

  Dad She says she’s wearing a strapless Zac Posin

  Babe It’s Posen and ew.

  Babe Tell her I said ew.

  Babe Did you tell her?

  Dad Obviously I’m not going to tell her that. It’s a beautiful dress. She bought it last week.

  Babe You guys literally make me vom. Love you both.

  Dad Ciao darling

  Babe X

  FOURTEEN

  Alex Trebek’s Dick (and Also His Balls).

  As I sat in my kitchen, making myself some delicious boiling water with lemon zest (one of my all-time fave comfort foods and a go-to LA breakfast), I realized how very strange I felt. Not because it had been so long since I’d been at my dad’s, but more because I woke up thinking about someone other than myself. Normally the first thought I have when I realize I’m awake has to do with what smoothie I’m going to have, or what I’m going to pick for my first look of the day, or how many people will ask me if I’m a model that day. That’s just who I am, and I’m okay with it.

  But this morning was different. I was obvi tired because I’d only slept for about 4.2 hours and they were drunk hours, but when I woke up, I was thinking about Knox. Not about what we were going to do today on our flight or if he was going to compliment my plane outfit. But more general thoughts about how he was and how he slept and if he was okay. This mom thing that was happening to me was getting out of hand.

  Babe Hey. How’d you sleep?

  Knox Still sleeping

  Babe Me too but we need to be in the car in 1 hour to make this flight

  Knox k
/>
  Babe Pack

  Knox kk

  I kept thinking about what Scott had said. And all the texts from Vee. She must have been really worried about Knox. The gravity of me “kidnapping” Knox was starting to become clear. I mean, I was sober enough last night to book us the flight back to Maryland when I got back to our house, but I was too drunk to really grasp the emotional severity of it all. By bringing Knox to LA for this audition, I was just doing what I thought was best for him. I wanted him to have every opportunity to be happy, but I honestly didn’t think anyone would really care that I stole him for a few days. No one in Maryland seemed to really pay attention to what he was up to anyway, so I was halfway convinced that Veronica and Cara wouldn’t even know Knox was gone. I thought Kris Jennering him was the right move. I guess I was wrong.

  I looked at my phone, checking/hoping our flight was delayed. I could have used an extra few hours of sleep and a few more hours of not dealing with whatever was waiting for me when I got off that plane. Also, they only had business class available by the time I booked, so I was not looking forward to that noise. You may think I’m a monster, but I really, really, really prefer first class.

  There would be other auditions for MasterChef Junior. Veronica could take him to one of those. I needed to get him back to Maryland.

  “MABINTY!!!!”

  I waited for a response, staring out at space. Nothing.

  “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!!!!”

  I hadn’t seen her when I got to the house because it was basically dawn. But she was most likely in the house. I needed her advice. She knew me best and I could talk to her about everything. I mean, she’d raised me. She was my mom, for all intents and purposes.

  Babe Mabs where the fuck r u

  Mabinty Can’t talk. Busy.

  Babe I’m in LA. I’m in my room. Come hither.

  Mabinty No.

  Babe Stop

  I got up, pulled my hair into the chicest and highest of ponies, brushed my teeth, peed, took a huge shit. LOL. Can you imagine if I was being serious? I’ve literally never taken a huge shit in my life. That would be fucking sick. I realized it was 7:05 a.m. so I marched my tired, hungover ass out of the guesthouse (my house) and down to the laundry room, which is in the basement of my dad’s house.