Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  “I have it!” said the young scientist who had performed the calculator trick. “The perfect experiment. We should simply present him the allotrope as a gift. If he takes it, clearly it is something he wants and it means he came to our planet to steal it. If he does not take it, it would mean he was innocent. What do you suppose he would do?”

  “I don’t want it! I’d leave it just to get back to my friends,” Jacob said.

  The scientist quickly rose to his feet. “Precisely what a thief would say! Who wouldn’t take a free carbon allotrope? You’d have to be a madman not to take it. Clearly he has something to hide. Guilty as charged!”

  The rest of the scientists rose to their feet to cheer and congratulate their colleague. The head scientist at the front of the class waved his laser pointer around and pointed it at Jacob’s heart.

  “I knew you were guilty,” he whispered cheerfully.

  Jacob struggled against his restraints, trying one last time to break free. Now that they had found him guilty, he knew the next step would be to decide his punishment.

  The head scientist signaled for silence and said, “Now then. We must analyze our results and move to our conclusion. Clearly this Earth human has demonstrated his intent to steal our precious carbon allotrope in order to start a war. However, as we all know, this is just a theory. The experiment must be independently verified through experiments on other Earthers before it is accepted as scientific fact. The subject shall be placed under proper supervision until we find more twelve-year-old Earthers for testing.”

  “What does that mean?” Jacob asked.

  The head scientist giggled. “You will be sent to Planet Paisley for rehabilitation.”

  Jacob had no idea where Planet Paisley was, and from the sound of the scientist’s laugh, he was sure he didn’t want to know.

  CHAPTER 25

  Dexter Goldstein sat in the captain’s chair aboard Lucy, all alone and quiet. He stared at the buttons and lights on the pilot’s console, trying to decide what he should do. His friends were probably running around the universe looking for each other, but after spending a couple of days in outer space, Dexter knew he wasn’t cut out for space-faring. He’d had enough adventure.

  Jacob and Dexter were both only children and didn’t have any brothers or sisters, but they had known each other since they were babies. Or more accurately, even before they were babies because their moms liked to go shopping for baby supplies together before they were both born. Dexter liked to imagine that he and Jacob had learned their shared hatred of shopping based on those prenatal experiences.

  Dexter thought back to the time he and Sarah and Jacob had made a pact in the forest. That night, Jacob hadn’t looked at all like the King of the School who picked football teams at recess and planned practical jokes that even made teachers laugh sometimes. Ever since his dad had left, Jacob still ruled the school, but Dexter could tell that something was different about him, even if he and Sarah were the only people who knew him well enough to notice.

  Dexter remembered that he looked up at the sky when they all swore they would be there for one another always, and the stars felt so far away, just flaming balls of gas that somehow cast a few random rays of light down on Earth at night. Nothing to get excited about. Yet he knew that Jacob really needed him. It was around that time when Dexter’s mom started warning him about his best friend, telling Dexter that he had to stand up for himself, that just because Jacob told him to do something it didn’t mean that he had to do it. She said Dexter had to be responsible for them both because Jacob wasn’t in a frame of mind to be making positive choices.

  At the time Dexter had thought he knew one thing: Jacob really was his brother. They may have had different moms and dads, and in fact Dexter’s parents were vaguely terrified of Jacob, but they looked out for each other, they understood each other, and they would have defended each other to the end.

  Now his brother had betrayed him. Jacob had landed him in detention yet again, he had bullied him on Numonia, and he wouldn’t even listen to him when he went charging off into the museum. He wondered if it really was possible for a brother to act the way he did, and he thought that maybe the stars weren’t strong enough to swear on. They couldn’t replace blood and family.

  Dexter was tired and scared, and he didn’t even know the first thing about how to find Jacob and Sarah on some random planet full of crazy scientists. He wanted his parents. He wanted to be at home, where his sock drawer was perfectly organized, where he knew that they would have arugula and goat cheese salad for dinner on Monday and veggie pizza on Friday, and where he had the cleanest aquarium and the healthiest tropical fish anyone had ever seen.

  He decided that Jacob and Sarah would have to take care of themselves for a while. He was out of his league. His parents would know what to do, and he needed to find them to get help. He had to see if they were okay. Even if it meant leaving his brother behind.

  With a shaky voice, Dexter shouted, “Lucy! Take me back to the space kapow.”

  Lucy groaned and said, “Little man, I don’t think that’s such a—”

  “Do it!” Dexter yelled.

  Lucy was quiet for a moment, then said, “Very well.”

  As the ship rocketed off Planet Archimedes, Dexter tried to look back for some sign of his friends. But as the planet receded into the distance, he was all alone.

  CHAPTER 26

  Sarah Daisy and Mick Cracken were trapped in the princess’ quarters with a soldier stationed outside the room at all times. The royal guard had taken command of Praiseworthy, and they were headed to the royal planet for a reckoning with Mick’s father, who, Sarah suddenly realized, was obviously the king.

  “You’re really a prince?!” she whispered furiously.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You’re prince of the whole galaxy?”

  “Well . . . technically the universe. We’ve never really found a rival royal family who has challenged us. It’s terrible. I hate it more than anything.”

  Sarah was skeptical and she waited for Mick to laugh, but when he wouldn’t look at her, she gathered that he was serious. His shoulders were slumped, his lips were pressed together, and he seemed utterly depressed.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? And what in the heck is wrong with being a prince?”

  “It’s not fair! Why should I have to wear a crown and sit on a stupid chair and be waited on hand and foot when all I want to do is go and steal things and have fun? And it’s completely corrupt! I believe that rulers should be elected by the people, and in fact, if I had my way I would do away with the whole thing entirely. Democracy!” Mick smacked his fist against his palm for emphasis.

  Sarah looked around at the dainty pink room. “So, wait. Praiseworthy is your sister’s spaceship? You stole this from your sister?”

  Mick sighed. “Don’t even get me started on Mistress Silver Spoon.”

  Sarah looked up at the ceiling, still not knowing whether to really believe it all. “Is this true, Praiseworthy?”

  “Oh dear heavens, Mistress Daisy, it is dreadfully true, and I share Master Cracken’s dismay that we have been captured. The adventures we might have had together! Although I must say, Mistress Silver Spoon is quite a lovely young lady, and—”

  “No she’s not!” Mick shouted. “She’s horrible and spoiled and conniving and she doesn’t appreciate anything!”

  “Oh, dear me,” Praiseworthy said.

  Sarah looked over at Mick, who was staring at the ground, his knees tucked under his chin. His black hair was swept messily into his face and his eyes lacked the spirit of danger and excitement they’d had just a few days ago. Even though nearly everything that she had heard come out of his mouth had been a lie, he seemed rather genuinely devastated about being captured, and she couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him.

  She swallowed her anger and decided she could be nice to him in this instance. She could be the bigger person. She reached over and tr
ied to pat Mick on the back, but he scooted away out of her grasp.

  “No! Not you too!” Mick shouted, his eyes cold.

  “What did I do?”

  “You’re just like everyone else,” he sneered.

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  “You hated me when I was a pirate and now that you find out I’m a prince, you start acting nice to me? No way. You’re just like all of the friends my dad tried to find for me. I’d rather be alone.”

  Sarah’s hand went to her mouth and she had to pause for a moment to make sure she had heard what she thought she had just heard. “That’s what you think of me? How shallow do you think I am?”

  Mick’s lips curled into a snarl. “You pretended you liked me and now you want to take it back. I see right through you.”

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  Mick sat by himself in silence and stared into space.

  Sarah did have to admit that she had been somewhat rude to Mick on occasion, but in her defense, he had been quite a toad himself, lying to her about the Dragon’s Eye and always bragging about stealing this and coming up with a masterful plan for that. It wasn’t as if he had been such a pleasant individual to be around, and he would have to think again if he thought she was going to go gaga over him just because he happened to be a pretend prince of the crazy universe.

  She gave up on attempting to be civil to Mick Cracken. She had to plan her escape. She was going to save Jacob Wonderbar.

  “Mistress Daisy,” Praiseworthy said, “If I might interject, we are nearly at Planet Royale, and your hosts would like to know whether you would prefer to take breakfast in bed or while sunning on a beach. Furthermore, they would like to know your favorite candies and snacks so that your guest suite might be properly stocked with the closest handmade approximations. Lastly, they would like to know your favorite color, as they are arranging an evening gala in your honor and will have a gown prepared for your arrival. They asked me to express their dearest hope that your stay at the palace will be perfectly extraordinary and marvelous.”

  Mick shook his head with disgust. “I hate this place.”

  CHAPTER 27

  After they finally set their course to Planet Paisley, Jacob began to feel that there was something very strange afoot.

  The trip to Planet Paisley aboard a research vessel should have only taken a few hours, but his captor kept getting distracted by fascinating star system formations, and they took several lengthy detours. They passed through an asteroid belt that traced a figure eight around two twin blue planets, saw the impossibly bright, pulsing light of a faraway supernova, and came just close enough to a black hole to feel a slight tug from the intense gravity before they sped safely away. If Jacob hadn’t been under arrest he might have actually enjoyed himself.

  The first moment that pricked the back of his neck came when he tried to change the subject from galaxy formations and dark matter to Planet Paisley, and the scientist simply continued with his monologue on the wonders of interplanetary formations.

  The second peculiar moment occurred when they entered Planet Paisley’s atmosphere and the scientist identified Jacob to the customs authorities as “Antoine Exupery” rather than by his actual name.

  “Why didn’t you give them my real name?” Jacob asked when they were cleared to land.

  “We wouldn’t want to alarm the locals.”

  “What does that mean?” Jacob asked.

  The scientist smiled. “It’s for your own safety.”

  “But ...”

  “We will be landing shortly.”

  They touched down in a park. Jacob stepped onto the grass and turned back to ask the scientist where he should go, but he was greeted by a slamming cargo door and the sounds of a spaceship readying for takeoff.

  Jacob darted away and was barely out of range of the rocket boosters when they fired with a fierce blast and the ship rose back up into the atmosphere. As he watched the ship sail away out of sight, Jacob felt a mixture of relief and nervousness. He was finally free of the crazy scientists. But he had a bad feeling about Planet Paisley.

  Jacob found the edge of the park and took a look around. Apart from a slightly greenish sky, the street looked like it could have been located in any city on Earth, with a concrete sidewalk and cars streaming down the street. Jacob passed a clothing store that displayed floral print dresses, pointy glasses, and beige clogs in the front window, and another that advertised ten-speed bicycles.

  But as he walked down the street, he noticed that there was something strange about the pedestrians. The women wore old dresses and sensible shoes, and they all seemed abnormally tall. The men wore ill-fitting khaki pants and blazers over T-shirts or sweaters that were several sizes too large. Glasses were common, and apparently the thicker the frame, the better. The people all looked vaguely familiar. Jacob had an eerie feeling that he had seen some of them before, but he couldn’t place them.

  Jacob walked over to a woman who was peering through her glasses at some sheets of papers in a manila folder.

  “Excuse me,” Jacob said. “I—”

  “Why are you not in class, young man?” the woman said.

  “I—”

  “Where were you when your class was taking roll?”

  “Taking roll? I—”

  “Say hey there, little fella,” said a man wearing a mock turtleneck, navy blazer, khakis, and Birkenstock sandals with white socks. He had his shaggy hair pulled back into a ponytail. “You probably think I’m a square because of my day gig, but did you know that I paint some pretty radical art in my spare time?”

  “Young man,” the woman said, “you have five seconds to tell me why you are not in class on your own planet. Five . . . four . . . three ...”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jacob yelled.

  The woman peered down at Jacob, holding her glasses up to her eyes, and recoiled with a start. “Oh my . . . Do you . . . do you see who this is? It’s . . .”

  “Who?” the man asked. Then he looked at Jacob more closely and backed up, raising his hands. “Whoa. Back off, kid. Stay away from me.”

  “Help!!” the woman shouted. “Someone please help! It’s Jacob Wonderbar! On our planet! Someone call the principal!”

  “How do you know who I am?!” Jacob shouted.

  “We’ve been warned about you,” the woman said.

  “We’ve all been warned about you,” the man said.

  Jacob looked around at the women and men on the street wearing out-of-style fashion, and it slowly dawned on him. The mock turtlenecks. The thinwheeled ten-speed bicycles. The cardigans. The faint smell of stale coffee.

  They were substitute teachers. All of them.

  Jacob screamed. The subs screamed.

  Jacob started running.

  CHAPTER 28

  Dexter Goldstein stared out the cockpit window at the Spilled Milky Way galaxy. The universe was just as he and his friends had left it in the aftermath of the giant space kapow: broken. Space was streaked with light and pulsating stars for as far as he could see. The mess was surely many light-years across, and he knew that Earth and his parents and his home were on the other side.

  Dexter thought about what had led him to a point in his life where he was flying a spaceship without his friends and had been partially responsible for a colossal interplanetary explosion. He had gone willingly with Jacob and Sarah, he had agreed to spacewalk when he should have insisted that they go straight home, and he had deferred to Sarah when she wanted to steal the Dragon’s Eye.

  Dexter was tired of being a follower, always letting Jacob get him into trouble, and he imagined remaking himself into a new, confident individual who wasn’t scared of disappointing his friends. He would be more like his mom, who always knew what to do and made sure that he and his dad were given proper instructions, using intimidation and force of will if necessary. He would be strong and decisive and powerful. People would fear him. It would be the Era of Dexter.


  “Calculate a way through, Lucy,” Dexter said in his best captain’s voice.

  “There’s no way through,” Lucy said.

  “Then calculate a way around.”

  Lucy sighed. “By the time we made it around and back to Earth, you would be old and gray.”

  For a moment Dexter wondered what Jacob Wonderbar would do, but then he remembered that Jacob Wonderbar would probably do the first thing that popped into his head and blow them all to bits.

  “Go forward!” Dexter shouted.

  “Young man ...”

  “I said forward!” Dexter wondered if he was being rude, and his heart began racing with nervousness that he had crossed the line. He hoped that Lucy still liked him. “Um, please?” He furrowed his brow. Did leaders say “please”? Being captain was harder than he thought. He wondered how anyone could make decisions at all when there were feelings to consider. He needed to buy a book on leadership.

  “Lucy, are you mad at me?”

  “I might be if I weren’t so overwhelmingly bored.”

  “Can you please let me know if you’re ever mad at me? I really don’t want to have a situation where we’re ...”

  Dexter trailed off when he saw flashing lights ahead that weren’t cosmic at all but rather looked man-made, or at least Astral-made.

  “Please slow down.” He wondered if his tone was appropriate, and added, “If that’s okay with you.”

  As they approached the flashing lights, which were affixed to a bulky spaceship, Dexter saw a large man in an orange spacesuit floating in space and holding a red stop sign. Lucy stopped beside him, and the man peered absentmindedly through the window at Dexter.

  “Hello?” Dexter said through the intercom. “What’s happening?”

  “Construction,” the man said.

  “Do you know if Earth is okay?”

  “Earth? No.”

  “Earth is gone?!” Dexter shrieked.

  “ ‘No’ as in, no, I don’t know if Earth is okay.”

  “Oh.” Dexter took a deep breath. “How long is the construction going to take?”