by G. V. Steitz
Groaning, I knew I had to call them back. “I need to call Rick’s parents. They are a bit worried about me it seems.” I told Charlie.
“I’ll give you some privacy.” He told me as he got up from the couch, moving into the kitchen I heard him grab some plates and silverware as I called them.
“Hi Mom… Yes, I am fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you and Dad. Yes… Ok. O… Hi Dad. Ah-huh. Yep. Oh, thanks so much. No actually, ah… I’m at ah… Charlie’s house. He just ordered a pizza. Yes. Ok, yes I promise. Love you both too. Ok, bye.” I dropped my head as I tossed my phone towards my purse, I hear Charlie come over.
“Everything ok?” Yeah, they were just worried because I didn’t take my car with me when I left earlier. Mom, or… Rick’s mom told me that they took my car home for me.” I took another sip of wine, worrying what he is thinking about my conversation.
Charlie looked understanding. “May I ask you a question?”
“Sure. Ask away.” I said, not wanting to hold anything back now feeling more at ease with him.
“Why are you worried about what I think when you call Rick’s parents Mom and Dad?” He asked, genuinely interested it seemed.
I squirmed a little, worrying how I might come off as. “Well, they really aren’t my parents as you know… I figured it might sound bad to someone who doesn’t know me.” I said, trying to hide my face in my wine glass.
“They love you, as you know. Anyone can see that. They are what look like the closest thing to your parents. I totally understand that you have that connection with them. Just call them Mom and Dad around me ok? I don’t feel threatened or jealous in the least.” Charlie said in a tender voice that put me at ease instantaneously.
“So you think we will see each other again then?” I asked him
“I do indeed.” Charlie stated with a confident smirk, making me smile.
“Ah, save by the bell. That’s our pizza. Be right back.” Charlie said, jumping from the couch. As soon as Charlie circled around the corner, carrying the huge pizza in towards me, I could smell the wonderful scents of the pizza toppings making my stomach rumbling, giving away my hunger.
“Sit, sit. Want to eat in here or in the dining room?” Charlie asked as he placed the pie down on the coffee table. “Here is fine, unless you want to eat in there.” I offered. “Nope, this is perfect, let me get some plates.” He suggested taking off in a blink of an eye.
We both tucked ourselves in on the floor in front of the coffee table. Charlie through on some back ground music and we dug in.
“Oh my God…” I moaned in sheer bliss.
“Right? I told you.” Charlie said taking a huge bite from his slice, smiling as he nodded in agreement. We both were quiet for a little bit, chomping into the pizza, both of us enjoying the perfect food that covers all of the food groups. “I looooove pizza.” I said with a moan, enjoying the flavors that danced around inside my mouth. The fresh veggies, the melted cheese, slightly sweet tone to the sauce, and the wonderful hand tossed crust, simply perfect.
“I completely agree. I could live on pizza.” Charlie stated. After a while, having devoured half the pizza between the two of us, I wanted to ask more questions.
“What was with the cemetery?” I asked, watching Charlie’s face freeze as he stopped chewing letting out a long sigh from his throat through his nose. After placing the pizza down, washed down what he had in his mouth, he leaned back to explain.
“I went to the cemetery knowing you would show up there to visit Rick’s grave. I have been there quite a bit myself before meeting you and his parents personally. I pretended to be visiting someone because I wanted to see you. I really wanted to talk to you, but… Well we both remember how that turned out.” Charlie suddenly looked at my reaction to his confession.
“So what you stalked me?” I asked in complete disbelief.
Charlie’s shoulders fell down and he dropped his head before answering. “Rick’s little daily drop-by’s in my dreams every night were really upsetting me. I have always had a bit of weird sensory wired in me. Since contacting his parents, the dreams have eased up a bit, still not going away completely; I am praying to God that since I have finally met all of you, he will give me some peaceful nights sleep. I’m just really in tuned with well, the dead. I have been known to see people in my dreams that have passed on. Usually, in fact always people I know, until Rick. Most of my dreams of Rick, he was always with you. I knew what you looked like before I ever met you. Rick wanted me to convey to you in some way that he was not going to rest and be in peace, until he knew you were. Rick has a very strong spirit or whatever you call it. I can understand the reason of what brought us together. I hope that getting to know the person I am, I hope will make you want us to stay together. That’s still to be seen. I don’t expect you to fall in love with me… Right away at least. But I think in some way, as strange as this will sound, Rick is trying to put us together. And, no I am not on any mind altering drugs. I am not crazy, I don’t do any witch craft and I am not a bible beater. I am spiritual. I do pray to God every night, when Rick gives me some free time. And I try to be a good person. I think more so now with Rick’s heart. It’s like I changed for the better with his heart. Not that I was a total butt head before the transplant, but I can feel how kind and generous Rick was. I can feel how strong his heart is. Still beating, just inside of me now.”
No longer hungry, I was silently crying again. I was feeling so many different emotions. I felt like my head was constantly swimming with different thoughts, constantly changing it up in my head, making the hamster on the wheel in my brain do double time, running around in circles. It’s exhausting.
“Please, tell me what you’re thinking.” Charlie asked softly.
I shrugged, not knowing what to say. Keeping my head down, Charlie slides over to me, and sits next to me. “You need to talk about him. You need to work out these thoughts and fears you have inside. If you don’t Rick won’t rest because he knows you are still hurting. I’m so sorry you lost him. You can’t imagine how terrible I feel for having been given his heart. I owe him my life. And I couldn’t let him down with his insistent need to contact you. I am certainly not trying to compete with Rick. I am definitely not jealous. He is the connection that brought us together. I honestly want to help you work through this. I want to help you find some peace in knowing we were meant to meet. Rick made that happen. I want to help you find a way to accept his passing. I don’t want you to think I ever expect or want you to forget him. I do carry his heart inside me. He will never be forgotten. Every time I see my scars on my chest, I see him. I see the pain you feel. I see the loss in his parent’s eyes. I think his heart aches for peace.” Charlie explained sitting close to me now, he holds the hand that holds the ring Rick gave me. He twirls the ring between his fingers and thumb, the energy between the two of us is intense when our skin touches the others. Just like it did with me and Rick.
“Look, you had an exhausting day. Why don’t you pick a guest room, and get some rest. Lock the door, if you want. I promise I won’t intrude in on you or make you feel uncomfortable. Just get some rest. Please, you look exhausted.” Charlie said, making me nod quietly.
The room you were in earlier is a guest room. I have three of them, feel free to pick anyone. Tomorrow when you wake, I will make you breakfast if you like and take you anywhere you want to go. I promise.
“Ok, that would be good. Thank you.” I whisper, not knowing what to say to Charlie any longer. I just feel so confused inside. I take myself up to the guest room I was in earlier, and crawl back into the comfy bed wrapped around in warmth from the comforter, the smell of lavender, soothing me into a deep sleep I have not had in a long, long time.
6.
I woke myself up from the dream I was having. It was beginning to look like every night was an encore presentation of Rick leaving me. Was he trying to tell me something?
I sat up, feeling hot all of a sudden; I pulled the sweat
pants off me and the sweat shirt. Keeping the boxers and t-shirt on were enough. Pulling my legs up to my chest, with my ankles crossed, I wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged my legs close to me. I felt the tears falling slowly down my cheeks. Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I should take a medical leave of absence from my job.
Since turning 25, I was able to be compensated with my trust fund that was left to me and Nash. I hadn’t used any of it yet, just kept depositing the funds. I needed some time to find myself again.
Every night I had a dream of Rick I always started it with a beautiful moment. As the dream progressed, I slowly watched Rick leaving my side, walking away into the air from me. I was never able to follow or chase after him.
With my cheek resting on my knees, I rocked myself, trying to calm my nerves down. I was shaking like a leaf. Not because I was cold, but because I felt I was loosing something, loosing part of myself or maybe just Rick. I watched the rain patter against the window, giving me the feeling heaven was crying too.
I felt so embarrassed when I heard light tapping at the bedroom door. “Dallas, are you ok?” Charlie whispered from the other side of the door. I squeaked out, “Yes, sorry. I’m fine.” Apparently not sounding too convincing because the door creaked opens a sliver. “Dallas, are you sure you are ok?” Charlie asked again. This time I didn’t answer.
“May I come in please?” He gently asked. “Sure, it’s your house.” I whimpered, not wanting to disappoint him from his generous attempt in making sure I was ok. I felt the bed shift from Charlie’s weight settling onto the bed. He carefully placed his hand on the back of my head, pausing for just a moment before running his hand down my hair.
“You want to talk about it?” He asked. I didn’t want to look at him, but feeling his hand touch me gave me a moment to take a deep breath and let it out, giving me a soothing feeling run through me.
“It was just a dream sweetness. Just a dream.” He whispered. I turned my head to face him. He took my breath away. He was sitting facing me on the bed, his bright green eyes, looking like they sparkled. Charlie had thick black wavy hair that just begged you to run your hands through. Broad shoulders, for the first time I noticed his scar that ran down his chest. There was no light in the room from outside, but the bedroom door was opened just a bit from Charlie entering and it filtered in a stream of soft glow from the light in the hallway. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and I think I startled him. I gasped when I seen his scar for the first time. Looking at it actually made me stop crying immediately and I sat up, pulling my head up looking over at his chest. I suppose I made him uncomfortable because he ran his other hand down his chest, holding his hand over his scar.
“Sorry, let me go put a shirt on.” Charlie said as he rose from the bed.
“No, please. Don’t.” I asked him as I reached for his hand that had left my hair, feeling that charge between us again when I grabbed his hand. Charlie nodded and slowly sat back down.
Charlie’s scar was faint but still noticeable. I had pulled myself to a sitting position with my legs no longer shielding my body; I was more relaxed with Charlie near me. He felt soothing to me. Like a balm on burnt skin. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his scar on his chest. It was like a war wound. I scooted closer to him, looking up at his face, hoping to not scare him; Charlie’s eyes told me something entirely different.
“You’re so beautiful.” I whispered as I looked back down at his scar. I don’t know why I said that to him out loud. I heard him chuckle, causing me to drag my eyes back up to meet his.
“Can I… Can I touch… you?” I asked in a weak hesitate sort of way.
Charlie nodded when I didn’t pull my eyes away from his.
Reaching out carefully, like I was trying to pet an animal in the wild, fearing I would scare the beautiful creature away, I moved with extremely slow movements. I watched as his chest rose and fell from his breathing. The muscles that ran across his chest, contracting and releasing as I moved in. And when the tips of my fingers finally met with his chest, Charlie flinched slightly. Quickly looking back up at his face to make sure he was ok still, I seen his eyes that were closed, open and look back at me.
“Am I hurting you?” I asked tenderly, not wanting to cause him any discomfort.
Charlie shook his head slowly. “The complete opposite in fact.” He admitted.
I scooted closer to him, watching his reaction to my stealth like movements, aware of the possibility of retracting myself from him at any moment, causing me to move with caution. And in that moment, as I moved into his personal space, I realized that I wanted to sooth him as much as he did for me. I realized he was hurting from inside as I was. I was in uncharted waters however all I knew was for some reason, we both needed each other. Rick put us together for a reason and I wanted to find out why. I decided to turn off my brain and just go with gut instincts. I needed to follow my heart and emotions, not my head at this moment. There was something between the two of us, and even though I was terrified, I knew Charlie was as well, if not more. Keeping the pads of my fingers on the middle of his chest, directly on his scar, I looked once more up at him. Charlie was struggling to hold his emotions in check. I know he didn’t want to scare me as much as I wanted the same for him. Looking back down at my mark, I leaned in delicately. Bringing my lips to his chest, I brushed my lips lightly grazing my lips across his scar. Leaving my lips pressed against him, I felt a deep vibration run through Charlie’s chest and his breathing picked up. I looked up to see his reaction, without moving my lips too far from his chest. Charlie’s body was as taut as a bowstring. His fists gripped so tightly that his knuckles were white. Looking down at me, Charlie’s jaw twitched as I seen him grind his teeth down, I moved back to tenderly place another kiss on his scar. Charlie hissed. “I’m not Rick, Dallas. Do you know that?” Charlie panted, trying to control his breathing as I dragged my lips up to the hollow of his neck just above his collar bone, I nodded against his skin. “I know Charlie.” I whispered, placing my hand down around his fisted one. I felt relieved when his fist began to relax under my palm. I felt both of us, trying desperately to make the other feel whole again. “Touch me.” I whispered, moving my lips up his neck, I felt his heart beating on his main artery on the side of his stretched neck.
The beat of his heart, of Rick’s heart, strong and warm. Just under my lips, I moved my nose up and down his neck in line with the beating artery, I felt like I was some how thanking Rick for Charlie, and letting Charlie know I wanted to be with him, and not thinking he was Rick. I kissed Charlie’s jaw, moving my hand up to his chest again; I slid the palm of my hand up his solid muscular chest, wrapping my hand carefully with extreme caution around Charlie’s neck. While moving my lips up to his ear, I eased myself into Charlie’s lap causing Charlie to release a very tense groan. “Do you want me to stop?” I whispered into his ear as I moved my lips up to his ear lobe, gently tugging his lobe between my teeth and then soothing the same spot with my tongue.
“Please don’t stop if you are sure about this Dallas.” Charlie grounded out as I ran the tip of my nose down his cheek bone to the corner of his lips, placing a kiss right at the corner of his mouth, I looked up at him. “I’m absolutely positive I don’t want to stop.” I told him without waiver. “No doubts“, I told him while looking directly into his eyes.
Charlie moved his left arm across the front of my body, pulling me up closer to his body; I ran my fingers through his silky hair at the nape of his neck with my right hand crossed over his chest and over his shoulder. Charlie pulling me closer to him with his right arm underneath me, He cradled my body against his.
We both looked at each other, making sure that we wanting what the other did. “You’re so beautiful.” Charlie whispered and leaned down and gently brushed his lips warily at first, waiting to see if I still wanted this, he paused without hurry, keeping his lips barely touching mine. I closed the sliver of a gap between our mouths and kissed him back. Both of us taking our time with one an
other, we were exploring one another. While we were exploring, I realized this felt right. We belonged together. Rick did find a way to come back to me. He replaced Charlie’s broken heart, selflessly offering his to him. In turn, Charlie did find me and I could feel, just as I had with Rick that he truly cared for me.
7.
I don’t remember how we both ended up in the middle of the bed that night. We were both so wrapped up in one another’s embrace, I didn’t even think of it, let alone feel it. I didn’t want to hold anything back with Charlie. I had this one moment I wanted to share with him. Where ever it would take us, I would follow it. I know with every fiber of my being, he and I were meant to happen.
Things progressed quite quickly that night between us. I didn’t tell Charlie there was one thing I never gave to Rick. That was something I wanted Charlie to find out himself. Both of us intertwined with each other’s limbs, tangled in a heated beautiful mess, we ended up in the position that would show Charlie exactly what I kept from Rick. At first, I know he made some quiet comment about how long it had been for him, I kept my mouth shut. Then he wasn’t surprised to find how tight I actually was. Considering Charlie thought it had been 5 years since I was with Rick. And then that last push he made, he finally realized what I was really holding back. Both of us, looking at each other, Charlie’s eyes moving back and forth trying to come up with a logical answer to what he didn’t want to believe was true. Looking up into his beautiful eyes, a tear in each of my eyes began to roll down either side of my face, finding their way to the pillow I rested my head on. Charlie lowered his head, wrapping his arms that he had caged around my head, now had found their way around my entire body. He was frozen in his movements. When he raised his face to look into my eyes, which still leaked tears from, he leaned over and kissed each of my eyes dry. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Charlie whispered, looking like he was afraid to continue. “Tell me why. We could have waited. Why didn’t you tell me? Why not with Rick?” Charlie asked, still searching my eyes for unheard answers. I turned my head away. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I said softly. Charlie chuckled making me look back to him. “Really? You’re saying I won’t believe you when I tell you I went searching for you because your deceased fiancé, who happened to be my heart donor, told me to. Try me.” He said, making me smile. I really didn’t know how else to put it other than how I truly felt at that moment with Charlie. Still with our bodies meshed together completely. Charlie having not moved or pulled out or away from me, he patiently waited.