Ruthless Protector

by Sherilee Gray

  Oh God. “My apartment?”

  I went to stand, to go to him, but he shook his head, stopping me. “Yeah, I bought it for them, took them to see it. Kate loved it. I hadn’t seen her smile like that in so damned long.” He stared out at the sky, but he didn’t see the sky, he was looking inward. “I dropped her back here, to her shitty apartment above the laundromat afterwards. We made plans for the weekend. I was going to help them move their stuff, not that they had a lot. I was going to sort that out as well the next day. Pay Wayne a visit and get Kate’s stuff back. I’d been waiting to calm down a little. I didn’t trust myself. If I’d gone to that fucker when I found out what was going on…” He cleared his throat.

  Telling me this story was hurting him, and I didn’t want him to hurt. I hated it. “Jude, you don’t have to…”

  “No, I want to,” he said, still not looking at me. “He was out on parole, but I didn’t think he’d have the stones to go near them again. Not when I knew the truth. So I went home to bed.” He rubbed his beard. “I got a phone call at three a.m. The laundromat, the apartment, was on fire. Wayne had lit it, barricaded the exits, then shot himself.” His knees came up, hands rubbing over his short hair, taking deep, steadying breaths. “I come here sometimes,” he said, and lifted his head. His eyes were pools of agony, windows to his fractured soul, showing me everything, all his pain.

  I stood and went to him then; no way could I sit back any longer. I sat beside him and snuggled into his side, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Jude.”

  He brushed a hand over my hair, then kissed the top of my head. “I come here when I need to feel close to them, the place I last saw them, the last time I heard their voices. Where I last saw them both smile and wave to me, right before I drove away. I sit in that lawn chair, sometimes for hours, not knowing how I’m going to get back up, how I’m going to leave them.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. I felt his pain, I knew it. “Jude…”

  He took my hand. “No one else knows that. Not even Mac. He thinks I come up here cause I’m some kind of astronomy geek.” He grinned at that and squeezed my fingers. “But I wanted to share that with you, something I’ve never shared with another person.”

  I fell in love with him, right then and there. How could I not? I think I might have fallen for him before then, but right then I let it in, I didn’t fight it. The sweet ache was all-consuming. Was nothing I’d ever felt before.

  My belly squirmed, my heart raced, and I had to swallow several times before I could talk. “Thank you,” I said, because I didn’t know what else to say. I just knew I was humbled he wanted to share such a personal part of himself with me, and freaking out over my revelation.

  And hating that it changed nothing.

  His eyes did not waver from mine. “I care about you, Willa, a lot.” He let out a long, rough breath. “I’m trying to open up with you here, beautiful, I’m trying to let you in. I haven’t done that, not for a long time, not since before I lost Kate and Louis.”

  He wanted something from me, something more. I’d told him about my past, about Rebecca. I didn’t have anything else, not anything I could or wanted to share, and despite my feelings, I didn’t know if I wanted to go deeper. What was the point now? I wanted our last days together to be happy ones, not filled with pain.

  “I’m glad you did,” I said lamely, while my heart ached and I tried to sort out everything; all the thoughts and emotions, swirling like whirlpools in my heart and mind.

  The silence stretched out and I felt…guilty. I was pretty sure my silence was hurting him somehow, but I didn’t know how, what it meant, what he wanted from me.

  I had a sinking feeling I’d just failed some test.

  We stayed up there for a while longer. I had another beer. We made small talk, but there was something missing, and that heaviness I felt coming off him when we first came up here was more intense. And worse, he looked…disappointed…in me.

  I wrapped myself around him when we got back on the bike, needing to feel close to him, to try and make this better somehow, to stop him from looking at me like he had back up on that roof.

  His abs were tight under my fingers, and this time, he didn’t reach down and rub his hand over mine, like he had several times on the ride over. There was a distance between us.

  By the time we reached the brownstone, my heart was pounding and my stomach churned. I wanted to climb his big body, cup his face, and make him look at me like he had before we hopped on his bike earlier. The desperation clawing behind my rips to do just that had me reaching for his hand when he climbed off the bike after me.

  It was selfish. I was leaving, but I couldn’t leave it like this between us.

  He stopped, his body kind of rigid as I leaned into him, pressing my forehead to his chest, breathing him in, craving his touch, like a stray cat desperate for affection, to be petted. I needed this, his touch, one more time. The memory of him, to last me a lifetime alone.

  “Please,” I whispered, not sure how to put my feelings into words, not sure how to make him understand what I wanted, what I needed from him, when I barely knew myself.

  He stayed ridged for several long agonizing seconds, then his chest rose sharply and he released a harsh breath. His palm slid up my back until his fingers were buried in my hair, fisting lightly. I tilted my had back, and he looked down at me, eyes blazing.

  “Christ. Yeah, Willa, I need you too.” He released my hair and wrapped his arm around my waist, keeping me tight against his side as we walked to his apartment door and he let us in.

  We both moved to his bedroom without a word. At the foot of his bed, we started stripping each other, unhurried, gazes moving over the other. His searching, searching for the answers he desperately wanted from me. And mine, taking in every perfect inch of him, desperate not to forget one thing. Not his body, or his mouth, or the way his beard felt against my skin. But most of all, I didn’t want to forget those eyes of his.

  I had a feeling they’d be haunting my dreams for the rest of my life.

  Then we were naked, both shaking with need, panted breaths the only sound inside his bedroom. Jude scooped me up and I wrapped myself around him like I loved doing, and let him lower me to the mattress.

  His mouth came down on mine and he kissed me rough and deep, then he lifted his head. “You’re so damn stubborn, and confusing, and fucking sexy. Christ, Willa, you make me crazy.”

  I don’t want to lose you. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me.

  My mind screamed it so loud, for a moment I thought the words had passed my lips. But it was my mind playing tricks on me. And for once, I wasn’t the one being left behind; it was me who was doing the leaving.

  I couldn’t talk right then, not with the way I was feeling, so I chased his mouth, nipping then sucking his lower lip, stopping him from saying whatever it was I saw in his eyes, and kissed him with everything I had.

  A noise vibrated through him, through me, and then he was kissing me back, just as hard, just as fiercely. For once, he wasn’t in control. He was taking what he needed from me, like I was from him. He was stripped back, stripped bare after going to that building, and there was no masking it.

  I spread my thighs wider, rubbing against the hard length of his cock. I wanted him inside me now. Right now.

  “You wet enough to take me?” he asked, voice hoarse.

  “Yes,” I said, sounding slurred, God, drunk on him, on my need for the big man covering me, positive I would never, ever, get enough of him, but knowing tonight was all I had left.

  One of my hands slid to his nape, thrusting my fingers into his hair, the other, down to his muscular ass, fingers digging in as my mouth went to his ear. “Make love to me, Jude.”

  I’d never used those words in my life. I’d never done that with any man, not even Evan. We’d never come close to making love. But I knew that’s what we were doing, what we both needed right then, and I didn’t have it in me to fight it. To pretend this was s
omething else. There was no reason to fight it anymore.

  The head of his cock found my opening, and Jude’s ass flexed under my hand as he slid into me, slow, so slow and deep. My mouth dropped open on a helpless moan as he stretched me, at the way the ridge of his wide cock slid over that spot inside me that made me gasp for breath. He groaned, keeping up his slow torture until he was fully seated. I was surrounded by him, by his scent, by the sexy grunts and growls he made. I couldn’t think anymore. All I could do was feel. I had no control over my actions at this point, or what came out of my mouth.

  “God, you fill me up so good.” I shuddered as he slid out and pushed back in, just as slow and torturous.

  He lifted his head, eyes blazing down at me. “Where do you feel me, beautiful? Where am I?”

  I bit my lip when the next maddening retreat and thrust came. I arched back as the head of his cock worked me just right. I was shaking harder now, mindless. “E-everywhere.” He went deeper than before and I clawed at his shoulders, my pussy starting to flutter around him.

  His eyes flared at that.

  “I feel you everywhere,” I said again, unable to hold it in. “You’re inside me, all around me, all the time.”

  He started moving harder, faster. “How does that make you feel, baby?”

  “So good, Jude. So damn good.”

  “What else?” he gritted out, slamming into me little harder.

  I moaned. “Safe.”

  He was up on his hands, hovering over me, those tender brown eyes I couldn’t get enough of, so hot, I felt scalded from them. “What else, Willa?”

  “Special,” I cried. “You make me feel special.”

  His mouth slammed down on mine, and his big body started rolling and grinding into me like he couldn’t get enough of me, like he couldn’t get deep enough. Like he wanted to crawl inside me.

  When he lifted his head again, when I had those eyes back on me, I knew he felt the same way I did. His gaze never left mine as we moved against each other. Whatever I saw there, it called to me. Like he was reaching for something deep inside me—and God help me, I wanted to reach back.

  That’s when I started coming, so hard and intense, I sobbed and clawed at his back, unable to look away from him.

  “I’ve got you, baby,” he said, taking me where I needed to go, even though it terrified me. “I’ve got you,” he repeated.

  I could do nothing but cling to him, letting him ground me, letting him take me to places I never knew existed. Helpless, but trusting he wouldn’t let me fall.

  Jude would have never let me fall.

  He dropped down, his mouth going to my ear. “Beautiful,” he rasped a moment before he started coming, hot and hard, earth-shattering pulses of his cock deep inside me, while I struggled for breath.

  I kept my arms around him as his big body shook, muscles twitching, his breath exploding against my sweat damped skin. His hips surged forward once, twice more, like he had no control over the action. And another great shudder moved through him before he collapsed on top of me.

  I blinked up at the ceiling, trying to comprehend what just happened.

  Jude said my name, his voice deep, gritty, the timber of it, soul-shaking. A benediction. He was right there with me, as lost in me as I was in him. He rolled, taking me with him, dragging me over his body, arranging me the way he wanted me, half-draped over him, one leg down along his and the other bent at the knee, resting on his abs.

  He rubbed my back, and I could feel his hand shaking. “I didn’t use a condom. I don’t know how…” His hand stilled. “I’m sorry, Willa…”

  “I’m on the pill,” I said quickly to stop his worry. “And I’m clean.”

  His hand started rubbing circles on my back again. “I’ve never had sex without a rubber.”

  “It’s fine, Jude,” I said against his chest, breathing in his familiar scent. “We got carried away, that’s all.”

  “Is that what we did?” he asked, the fingers on his other hand, that were resting on my thigh, tightening. “Is that what just happened between us?”

  He wasn’t going to let things go. Not what happened on top of that building, and not what happened in this bed. I couldn’t go there with him.

  I forced a laugh, and it came out just as fake. “If you don’t know…”

  “Stop it,” he said, the words cutting though the heavy atmosphere like a blade.

  I froze against his side, my heart punching against the back of my ribs.

  “I want the real Willa, not the bullshit front you give people, not the attitude or the snark or the jokes you hide behind. Not anymore, not fucking now, not with me.”

  I tried to pull away, because this was getting too damn real. I knew I loved him. I also knew there was no way we could be together. And not just because I had to leave.

  He held me to him, not letting me retreat. “Do you trust me?” he asked.

  There was so much in his voice, but the hope came through the loudest.

  I did, I trusted him more than I’d ever trusted another human being. I couldn’t tell him that, though, not if I wanted to stall this…whatever it was that was happening. It would only make it harder to leave than it already was.

  “Why?” I said, instead of giving him a straight answer.

  “Just answer the question, Willa,” he said, his body getting more rigid by the second.

  I sat up, and he let me this time. “I don’t trust a lot of people,” I said, again trying to avoid his question.

  His jaw tightened, and I knew he’d decided that he was one of those people. I hated myself for it, but I didn’t correct him. I couldn’t.

  “You’re hiding something,” he said, no easing in, not anymore. “There’s something you’re keeping from me. Maybe even a whole lot of somethings. Shit that is not good, that I can help you with, if only you’ll stop with the barriers and the bullshit, and talk to me.” He sat up as well, thrusting his fingers in his hair. “If only you’d goddamn trust me.”

  If I told him, he’d pull his white knight routine. He’d want to come to my rescue. He’d go after Trent and he’d make him pay. Trent had hurt Tilly and he’d put me in danger. After the text I got from Jude the other night, afraid of what he’d do to that skip, the one who had hurt his wife and kid, and how afraid Jude was that he’d really hurt the guy, I knew I couldn’t risk telling him what was happening.

  After losing his sister and nephew the way he had, I couldn’t risk it. I wouldn’t let Jude get into trouble, or God, maybe even locked up over that, for us, not when I had everything under control.

  I forced myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  His fingers curled and uncurled at his side. “No more lies, Willa.”

  “I’m not. I have no idea what you want me to say.” My pulse was racing.

  “How about the truth?”

  I shrugged, gaze not wavering, not leaving his. “You know everything you need to know.”

  He flinched. A direct hit. A hit I didn’t know I was making until the words came out of my mouth. I wanted to snatch them back, but I couldn’t.

  His nostrils flared. “Is that right, beautiful?”

  “Just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean you automatically get access to every part of me,” I said, hating myself more with every word coming out of my mouth, with every shot I fired.

  His face contorted, and I felt it like a dagger sliding between my ribs. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he rasped. “That’s all we’re doing here. Fucking? That’s what you think?”

  I stood and snatched my shirt off the floor, yanking it on. “I’m sorry if you thought this was something more. I didn’t mean to make you think…”

  “Don’t do that,” he said. “You can lie to yourself, sweetheart, but don’t lie to me.”

  I’d pulled on my jeans and shoved my feet into my boots. I had to get the hell out of there. If I didn’t, I’d spill all my secrets.

  Jude wasn’t t
he kind of man to back down. He wanted to protect Tilly and I, and now I knew why he was so relentless when it came to our safety. His own loss made him single minded.

  And if I didn’t stop this thing between us now, if I allowed him to come at me all guns blazing, I’d cave, I’d give in. I’d wrap myself around his big body, drown in him, and I’d never let go.

  But I wouldn’t let anything happen to him because of me.

  And then there was the matter of a dying wish to fulfill.

  I had no choice. None.

  I turned to him. He was standing as well now, jeans on but not done up, hands on his hips, looking down at me.

  I had to finish this. I had to take my final shot. I thought I might be sick. “You’ve shown me who you are, Jude, and you’re…you’re such a good man, the best. But I can’t be your next crusade, your next mission, your next rappel from a second-story window. I don’t need saving. I’m so sorry about Kate and Louis. But Tilly and I, we’re not them. We don’t need you. We don’t need any man,” I choked out, and turned away to pick up my jacket, to hide the tears welling in my eyes.

  How many times had I said that to myself before I met Jude. I don’t need anyone else. But that was the old me. Willa before Jude. Cynical, hurting, untrusting. Scared.

  Jude had changed all of that.

  I could hear him breathing hard behind me. “You must want me out of your life pretty bad if you’re willing to throw Kate and Louis back in my face.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and I felt a rush of hot tears streak down my face. I was at the door and I gripped the frame for support. “That’s not, I didn’t…”

  “Don’t let me hold you up, beautiful. You know your way out.”

  I bit my lip, fingers digging into the doorframe. Everything in me screamed to stay. But I couldn’t.

  I let go and walked out.

  22

  Willa

  “You okay, honey?” Steph asked, surprising me.

  We were in the dressing room, taking a break, a moment of quiet before heading back out to the smoke and heat and throbbing music of the club.