Holding on to Someday

by K. Leah

  Every year my parents host a big New Year’s party, so today I spend the majority of the day helping mom cook and get the house ready. Dad puts Drew to work as well, taking care of setting up and decorations. Mom calls this New Year’s fellowship, and it's a big deal at our house. Friends start arriving around 5 pm, and lots of mingling and introductions get the party started.

  It’s getting close to midnight. Drew comes up to me with my coat in his hand, holding it out for me to slip on. “I need to get you away for just a few… so we can properly welcome the New Year,” he says with a wink and a nod toward the door. I know what he means, and I laugh as we make our way out onto the back deck to get away from my parents and their friends. The snow that’s been falling since last week has covered the deck with a thick layer of the white powder.

  “So how are we going to know when the magic ball lights up if we are out here?” I ask, slipping my arms around Drew’s neck. He holds his arm up, waving his wrist in front of me. “It’s called a watch, baby. It tells you what time it is.”

  “You think you are so clever, Mr. Cason.” I pull him in close and nudge his nose with my own.

  “Oooh… it’s cold out here. This thing is an icebox,” as I tap the tip of his nose with my gloved hand. We hear the crowd inside starting the countdown chant… 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2. Drew pulls me in for a kiss before they get to one. His lips are soft as they linger against mine, and his mouth is warm against the cold air. As he ends the kiss, he looks directly into my eyes. The moon is reflecting off his beautiful blue irises, and he whispers, “I love you, Clara. With all my heart.”

  My breath catches, and my eyes grow wide as he continues. “I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long, but I was waiting for the right moment to make it special.”

  I smile wide and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him smack on the lips. “Drew, I love you too!” I profess, placing my hand on his cheek. He pulls me up and spins me around. Just as I am getting ready to tell him to be careful, we both fall to the ground. We start laughing hysterically; because of the suddenness of the fall, and from the love we just professed to each other. We are both so happy that there's no other way to express it. Embracing the moment, I say, “Let’s make snow angels.” Flapping our arms and legs, we playfully imprint ourselves into the back deck.

  I know from this point forward, there will be no other for me. This is it. My feelings toward Drew is what true love means.

  10

  Relationship Status

  Like all great moments, the holidays came to an end, and I found myself back at school ready to finish my last semester of college. As the spring semester progressed, Drew and I often spoke about our future… when we would get married, how many kids we would have, what their names would be. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have a ring on my left hand, and a wedding to plan, before the end of the semester.

  After graduation, we will both have business degrees and similar interests in job choices. However, whereas I want to continue my education and get my master’s degree, Drew is not so sure that’s something he wants to do. So, while I completed college applications, he looked into internships and job opportunities.

  By the end of the semester, Drew had discovered internship opportunities with several organizations. Drew applied for internships in Tennessee, Charlotte, and one all the way in California. Ugh. Why did he have to choose one so far? I try to seem excited, but I'm sure it's obvious that I'm not. Regardless, Drew seems to only have eyes for California. I try my best to pay attention as he talks it up.

  “This company is leading the industry internationally. They have the highest hire rate out of any corporation in the world. If I land this internship, I will have endless job opportunities, Clara.”

  I look at him, not amused. "Because no other internship will give you a similar job opportunity?" I remark, sarcastically.

  Drew, looks downcast. “I probably won’t get in any way. They only select a handful of candidates from all over the world. Do you know how many people apply for this internship?” I shrug and turn my attention back to the scattered papers. He continues, oblivious. “Thousands. Thousands and thousands of applicants. I don’t even know why I applied,” he says, defeated.

  Now I feel guilty for giving him such a hard time over this. Obviously, I don't want him to take the internship so far away, but in the process, I may have made him feel unworthy.

  “Drew, you are smart. Too smart for your own good sometimes,” I tell him as I take his hand in mine. “Don’t disqualify yourself because of some silly numbers. You are as capable as any of the rest of the students applying; I don’t understand why you want to go so far away.”

  He leans across the couch, pulling me toward him and scattering several papers in the process. “Oh, you think I’m capable, huh?” he asks with an evil smile. He then pulls me onto his lap and nuzzles my neck, kissing a trail until he reaches my ear.

  “I’m crazy about you… do you know that?” he whispers in my ear. Then he makes his way over to my cheek, kissing tenderly, and then to my mouth as he takes hold of my waist pulling me in further. Gripping my back, we have a little make-out session. I like this kind of impromptu conversations.

  Getting back to the original conversation, we gather the papers that got scattered around the floor. Picking up the application for the internship in California, Drew holds it out and looks at me. “So… what do you think?” He is questioning me with his eyes, as well as with his words, asking if it's okay to submit the application. I shrug, not sure how I feel about it. If the odds are so high that he won't get in, then what's the harm for him to send it? I mean, according to him, more than likely he wouldn't get it anyway.

  “Whatever, Drew. It’s so far away. I thought you were going to take the internship in Charlotte. That’s a good one too,” I whine.

  “Yeah baby, it is, and most likely that's where I’ll go, but it would be fun to have the opportunity, you know? To think that I could be picked for something like this. You know, I don’t have to take it if I get chosen,” he said.

  I wonder what the reality of that is. There is always the chance it will happen, but the thought of us going separate directions after graduation makes me clam up. How would we handle a long-distance relationship? Would I follow him wherever he went? Would he follow me to grad school? Every time I have brought up the internship in Charlotte in the past, he changes the topic and tells me not to worry about it.

  So many questions and I’m not quite ready to face the answers just yet. We are in a happy place, and I finally have a real relationship with a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The thought of us being on opposite ends of the country hurts my heart, so I put it out of my mind and focus on the here and now. Surely, it will all work out for the best. It has so far. Right?

  ♦♦♦

  Finals are next week, and I can’t believe college is about over.

  These four years went by very fast.

  It’s Sunday night, and we have studied all weekend, so I decide it’s time for a break. I close my book and look at Drew who is sitting across from me at our corner table in the library. “I’m ready for a break. How about pizza and a movie? My brain needs a rest.”

  He pulls his legs down from the table and snaps his book closed. “Yes please!” he says. “My eyes are crossing from reading so much.”

  After gathering our things, we make our way across campus to my apartment. As we walk in, we see Marabeth and her boyfriend, Sam, sitting on the floor playing cards. “Hey guys!” we greet them as we walk in and pile our books on the kitchen table.

  “Looks like you're playing my favorite game,” Drew remarks as they turn to greet us.

  “Hey y’all! Yeah, and I’m so getting beat by my man here,” Marabeth concedes, throwing her cards down on the floor in defeat.

  “She can’t beat me no matter how many times she tries,” Sam announces as he waves the scorecard in the air. “You want to join us for a round?” he asks. />
  “Sure!” I exclaim, pulling Drew onto to the floor with me.

  “Okay… but we have to start back at zero,” Marabeth says, tearing off the top piece of paper and tossing it in the trash. We all laugh, knowing it’s going to be a long shot for her and Sam to beat Drew and me.

  After several rounds of the card game, Drew gets up and goes to the kitchen to grab the phone book. “I don’t know about you guys, but I am ready for some food,” he says as he pulls out the pizza menu tucked in the back. “It’s time for the Friday night special on a Sunday night,” he says waving the menu in the air.

  Drew places our pizza order over the phone, and he and Sam agree to walk across the street to pick it up and grab a movie. While the boys are gone, Marabeth and I get everything ready. As we stand at the sink, she asks me, “Have you and Drew talked about anything yet?”

  She knows I'm concerned about the lack of conversation on the topic. I’ve had many meltdowns with her and Julie over this. “No,” I reply, “It seems like there is never a good time to bring it up. Plus, he always tells me not to worry about it when I do.”

  Marabeth stops and turns to look at me. “Clara, you are graduating in just over a week. You really, really, need to discuss this.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh. I know Marabeth is right. Rather than respond, I look out the kitchen window. I'm afraid of what we will decide. I'm afraid that we are going our separate ways.

  I’ve never questioned our relationship. Ever. Drew has always been faithful, and I have no doubt he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Evading the topic of what comes next is easy because when we try to talk about it, it seems like sour grapes on the tip of my tongue. As much as I don’t want to talk about it, Drew doesn’t either. Marabeth comes over and puts her arm around my shoulder. “I know you both have been avoiding this for a long time, but there's no time like the present. You need to initiate this conversation if he’s not going to.”

  I feel a heaviness in my chest… maybe it’s heartache, maybe it’s heartburn, who knows?…but she is right. Touching her hand on my shoulder, I tell her, “Soon. I promise it will be soon.”

  She hugs me, and we finish preparing drinks as the boys walk through the door with the food and movie. I think to myself… just one more night. I decide to put it out of my mind and enjoy the evening.

  11

  Not So Much Pomp & A Lot of Circumstance

  Exams are over, and I find myself standing in the bathroom looking into the mirror. Wearing a black cap and matching gown, with a yellow sash draped over my shoulders, I don’t feel the excitement I should on this day. In a few short hours, I will be a college graduate, but that is not really what is on my mind. Drew and I have continued to avoid the conversation about what happens after graduation. Now that it’s here I feel a sense of dread instead of elation. Fear of the unknown has taken over.

  I have submitted applications to several graduate programs, and Drew has applied for several internships at various organizations; two of those being in another state. But I don’t want to think about those. The big question still unanswered is: are we going to do this after-graduation thing together or apart?

  I know that Drew is the one for me. He is my beginning and end. We are meant to be together.

  I think about comments he has made before.

  Clara, I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together…. How many kids do you think we will have?.... Do you want us to build a house in the country or buy a condo in the city?

  I remember every detail, and they all involve important matters where both parties should agree.

  After I am finished putting on my cap and gown, I sit on my bed. My family is here - Mom, Dad, and grandparents - all sitting in the living room, chatting amongst themselves. I hear their voices, but my eyes focus on the papers sitting on my nightstand. I received my acceptance letters to grad school last week. Two letters from schools in different states: one back home in Virginia, and one in South Carolina and a letter from the school I'm most excited about, my alma mater, SSU. All along, I wanted to stay here, but reality told me I had to be open to other places too.

  My mom knocks on the door snapping me out of my trance. Peeking her head in she says, “Are you ready, honey?” I stand up, straighten my gown, and put on a fake smile.

  “Sure… let’s go graduate.”

  ♦♦♦

  “So that’s it?! You’re just going to leave?!” I yell at Drew as we stand in the middle of my living room, surrounded by boxes. Graduation is over. We stopped by my apartment, I thought, to enjoy a moment alone before meeting our families for a celebratory lunch.

  Instead, Drew tells me he accepted the internship in California, and I’m flabbergasted. Approaching me, he reaches for my hands, but I turn away. I feel a heaviness wash over my whole body. There is an ache in my chest, and I feel like I can’t breathe. Drew is…. leaving? How can this be happening?

  Drew comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. I can’t resist him, so I lean into him and start sobbing. He turns me around, and I bury my face in his shirt. Breathing his scent, I feel him - crave his touch.

  “Clara, baby, it’s not going to be that long. Not when you think about it in the grand scheme of things. We'll talk every day. I'll come to see you when I can, and you can visit when you are on break. Come on now, don’t do this. Don’t be so upset.”

  I try to catch my breath between sobs, but my words sound like gibberish. “Drew… so far…be busy… too expensive…,” are about the only words he can understand. Grabbing my face in his hands, he forces me to meet his eyes. I am mad, so mad, but there is no way I can let him go. I am clinging to him like he is my lifeline. The man I love is leaving to go on the other side of the country for a year. A whole year. How does a relationship survive that?

  “Look at me,” he demands. “Clara, we are young. These things happen all the time. People date long distance. They make relationships work. We have to. We. HAVE. To. Make. It. Work. We will make it work.” He rests his forehead against mine, as he emphasizes each word. “We can do this, Clara. Have faith in us,” he pleads. There is a trace of hurt in his voice. I don’t think he wants this long-distance relationship any more than I do, but he has decided to go. He is choosing to leave.

  “What about the internship in Charlotte? You said you thought that would be a good move. What happened to that?” I ask.

  “Clara, this is so much better. I’m doing this for us.”

  The last words spoken, barely a whisper, and I lose all resolve. I am a blubbering basket case. Drew releases his hold on me, and I walk away from him. I am speechless. I walk over to the window and stare out at the campus. My mind races in panic. I’ve heard his assurances, but my heart feels otherwise. I don't understand how he can be that far away from me for a whole year. As I think about it, I start fuming inside again.

  “We talked about this, Drew! You said you were going to take the job in Charlotte. It would have been so easy. Why Drew… why!?” I sit down on the couch, holding my head in my hands. I can’t silence the sobs erupting from my soul. I am shaken to the core. I can’t imagine a life without Drew in it, and all that runs through my mind...is the beginning of the end for us?

  He comes over and kneels in front of me. “Clara, you know this is a much better opportunity for me. You know that.”

  He places his hands on my legs, but I don’t look up. I can’t look at him. It hurts too much.

  “I’ll have a year with this company. They only accept 25 positions worldwide, and they picked me, babe… they picked me.”

  I cover my ears because I don’t want to hear anything else. I know it’s childish, but I don’t care. This is not what we talked about - if you even want to call it talking about it. The reality is, we avoided this topic at all costs. But if we are going to have a future together, we need to agree on things, and this is NOT what we agreed upon. The last conversation we had about this, Drew told me was
accepting the position in Charlotte. He was scheduled to start at the end of May.

  Drew pulls my hands down and holds them in his. I still refuse to look at him. "I can’t pass this up, Clara… I just can’t. I will never be able to get this experience anywhere else.”

  He sighs and lets go of my hands. Sitting beside me on the couch, he says, “I know this is not the ideal situation.”

  Looking up at him, I harshly remark, “You don’t say!” and gave a pfshhh sound to accentuate my sarcastic remark.

  There is an unmistakable sadness in his eyes when he looks back at me. “But I still want you, Clara. I want our forever. I want to make it work. I will come back when I finish this internship. At that point, I can get a job pretty much wherever I want, and our future will be set."

  “Well, I want you too, Drew, but when you are two thousand miles away from me, I don’t see how a relationship can flourish. when you have that many hours between us.” I motion between the two of us, as I feel myself flushing with anger. “Yeah, I can pick up the phone, but we won’t be spending any time together. And it’s not like either of us are blessed with the money to be able to hop a flight anytime we want. Not to mention the fact that I’ll be starting grad school in the fall. So how, in fact, are we going to make this work for a whole year. Hmmm???”

  I glare at him. He is being selfish, and if I’m honest with myself, I am too. I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him, and he will land a great job once this internship is over. He claims he is doing this to better our future, but I’m not thinking about the future, I am thinking about the here and now...building a relationship with the man I love.

  “I don’t know, Clara… but I’m willing to try my hardest to make it work,” Drew says, looking at me with the saddest blue eyes I have ever seen. Immediately I feel bad and curl into him, wrapping my arms so tightly around him it makes my muscles hurt. He returns my embrace, and we sit on my couch for a long time in silence as I cry, and he holds me.