by Lisa Olsen
“I’ve had a long enough life, more than most men, but I never lived until I met you.”
A part of me melted at the sentiment, but could I give him what he needed now, after everything? Part of me loved Rob – enough that it almost killed him – but I wasn’t sure if I could let the past go. And I’ll admit it, I was straight up scared he’d hurt me again. “Rob, I…”
“No, let me speak my peace, then I’ll let you go. Even if I never get to hold you the way I used to again, I want to thank you for that gift. The time we spent together was the most precious to me of all the years that come before. I’m only sorry it came at such a high price for you, and I truly do understand it if you can’t never get past it.”
There was such sincere regret and love in his voice, it touched a part of me I’d kept hidden behind thick walls. The little piece of ice inside my heart thawed the rest of the way, leaving me warm and tender and ready for love. There was so much I wanted to say to him, it got stuck in my throat, and instead, I grabbed a hold of his neck and kissed him.
Chapter Twenty-Six
There was no hesitation in the way he kissed me back, only joy and relief mingled with desire. I closed my eyes against the doubts and fears, losing myself in his love. Somehow he found a tree to prop me up against, mouth plundering mine as his hands roamed with practiced skill. How I’d missed those hands! They played havoc on my oversensitive skin, teasing and kneading, and I did my best to reciprocate, tugging up his t-shirt to reach the chiseled planes of his back.
He made that little sound, more of a groan than a word, and just like that it all came crashing back. His hand was under my shirt the way it was with her, and he was pressing closer to my core the way he’d been when I walked in on them in that cabin on the yacht. At first I pushed it away, opening my eyes to the night sky to avoid the image of them together. But when his lips fell to my neck, I jerked away instinctively, tensing despite my best intentions.
“What’s the matter?” he whispered, pulling back to study my face.
The irrational feeling of betrayal faded quickly, the love flooding back at the concern I saw in his eyes. “Nothing. Sorry, just a weird… nothing,” I repeated, chasing after his lips with mine.
But the instant he got too close again I froze up. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” I murmured, pulling my lips from his.
He let me go, his confusion and disappointment palpable. “But you love me, what we went through proves it.”
“I do, Rob, I really do.” That was never in any doubt. “If I didn’t love you so much, it wouldn’t still hurt like this to think of you and Bridget together.”
“I don’t know what else I can do to make amends for that.” His head hung in shame and I reached for his shoulders.
“Nothing. I think… what we need is time. Time to figure out how to be around each other again.”
“We have forever,” Rob said, a light of hope coming into his eyes. “And I’ll give you all my forevers if that’s what it takes to win you back.”
And that right there was why I loved him. Rob was always there for me and always would be. I wanted to love him back with all my heart, but I needed to forget that pain of betrayal. Maybe what we had wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely worth trying to repair. I took a deep breath, meeting his gaze squarely. “If you can give me that time, I’d like to try and work things out.”
“Take all the time you need, I ain’t going nowhere,” he smiled, his hands settling on my waist, before wondering if that was allowed and removing them again.
“No, that’s fine,” I assured him, putting his hands back on my hips again. “We’ll take things slow and see where they go.”
“Slow is my specialty,” he said with a wicked grin, putting all kinds of emphasis on the words that brought back a few heated memories. Slow did not equal boring with Rob, that was for sure, and I swallowed back a wave of desire that threatened to smash through all my good intentions.
“Good then, we’re, um… on the same page,” I smiled nervously, wondering if it was even the same book from the way he looked at me. “I guess we should talk about the future, huh?”
That dampened the heat in his eyes, and the air between us cooled a few degrees. “I reckon we should,” he agreed.
“I’m headed back West in a day or two. Do you think you’d want to come with me?”
“I’ll go wherever you are, as long as you’ll have me.”
“Okay, good.” I breathed a sigh of relief. This part was more awkward than I’d thought it would be. “Your old room’s available if you still want it, but I’ll understand if you want to stay at your place.”
A flash of disappointment crossed his features. “I’d rather share your bed, but I’m grateful just to be invited back into the house.”
“Slow, remember?” I smiled. It’d be weird enough having him around again after I’d gotten used to so much alone time – when Carter wasn’t driving me nuts. “Oh, I should tell you, most people in town know we broke up, but they don’t know why. We should probably think of what we’re going to tell people.”
“Don’t see as how it’s any of their business,” he scowled. “Why should we even mention it at all?”
He had a good point. “I guess you’re right. It’s none of their business. Things are kind of up in the air right now with my position as Elder. I guess Felix didn’t tell anyone that I’d left, so… I’m not completely sure what I’m doing there.”
“Lost your taste for it?”
“Somewhat, yes. Honestly, I think my time was better spent with Carter, taking a more hands on approach to vampire-human relations.”
I guess I should’ve expected the pucker of worry that appeared on his brow. “Don’t like the idea of you out there putting yourself at risk like that.”
“It’s not all that risky, Carter always had my back. Besides, it wasn’t like we were kidnapping vampires out of their strongholds. We never took on more than we could handle. We always researched them carefully and came up with a plan, exit strategies and contingencies in case things went sideways. One way or another, we made them pay for their crimes.”
The worry faded, replaced by amusement. “Look at you, talking the talk like a proper ruffian. Taking to the streets like a vigilante.”
Something about his tone irked me, like he couldn’t picture me getting the job done. “And I’m pretty gorram good at it.”
His hands came up. “Course you are, you’re aces at anything you set your mind to. Wasn’t intending no slight, just… admiring in my own way is all.”
Maybe I was too sensitive about it. Rob knew better than to condescend to me. “Maybe we should head back?” I suggested. “Lee and those guys are probably wondering where we slipped off to.”
“There’s no need for them to fear, I know Lee saw us leaving together.”
“Still…” As much as I’d enjoyed our alone time together, I craved the warmth and the light of the gypsy camp.
Rob seemed to understand, or if he didn’t, he wanted to please me. “Right then, back we go.”
As much as I wanted to rejoin the party, the instant I came upon Carys and Bishop canoodling in front of the fire, I started to think it was a not so very good idea. “Ah, do you know where we’re going to spend the day?” I asked, hoping we wouldn’t have to go to ground. I’d rather pass out in the women’s bathroom under the sinks than end up in the dirt again.
“That’s a good question. Shall we go ask Lilias if there’s any room to spare? Or if we should be heading back to town?”
Lilias stood within spitting distance of Bishop and Carys, and I didn’t want to hear their pillow talk. “Actually… you go ahead, I’ll wait here.”
“By yourself?”
“I just feel like sitting right now.” It was a lame excuse as excuses went, but Rob either clued in to why I didn’t want to go over there or decided it wasn’t important.
“Right, I’ll be back in a tick.” He leaned in to kiss my cheek. “L
ove you heaps.”
I nodded, unable to respond beyond a tight lipped smile.
The flare of a match caught the corner of my eye and I turned my head to see one of the gypsy boys leaning against one of the trailers, lighting a pipe. No, not a boy, a slight man, with a hint of a scraggly beard on his chin. I’d shared a drink with him at the party earlier, Lilias’ son, Luca, the one who made the triple horse pins.
“Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there,” I smiled.
Luca puffed on his pipe to get it going, shaking out the match when he was done. “I’d have a care if I was you,” he said, pursing his lips to produce a ring of smoke.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll end up hurting the both of you in the bargain if you can’t let it go.”
His clear brown eyes showed he wasn’t drunk, but what could he mean? “Let what go?”
“The past. Best not to offer your heart to him unless you’re ready to give it all.”
Would I ever be ready to give my whole heart away again? “All I can do is try my best. That’s all any of us can do, isn’t it?”
He puffed thoughtfully. “That’s true for some, not all though. You’ve options to help you past it.”
“Options? Like what? Therapy?” Was there such a thing as a vampire therapist? Because I’m sure I’d end up sending a regular shrink to the nuthouse himself.
“You’ll need something a damned sight quicker than that to kill the doubts you’re wrestling with.”
He seemed to think he was awfully familiar with my thoughts and feelings, and I’d barely met the guy. “I’m sorry, but um… what makes you think you know anything about me or my doubts? You don’t even know me.”
“I don’t have to know you to know you,” Luca said, pointing the mouthpiece of the pipe at me. “We’ve all got our own gifts in this life. I’ve seen how this ends, and it ain’t pretty. Not unless you take steps.”
“What kind of steps?”
“Surrender is the key, aye. Give yourself to another’s power. Try and handle it all on your own and it’s a surefire recipe for disaster.”
“Disaster? What kind of a disaster?” I frowned, jumping when Rob approached with a broad smile.
“What you up to then, Luca? Keeping out of trouble?”
“Ain’t me sticking my neck out where I shouldn’t,” Luca replied, his gaze returning back to me.
“Go on and pull the other one,” Rob snorted. “I’ve heard tell plenty of your exploits over the years. This one fancies himself too clever by half,” he added confidentially to me. “Got the Sight and reckons that makes him invincible.”
“Luca has the Sight, does he?” I asked with interest. Was that what all his crazy pronouncements about disaster were about? Had he had a premonition about Rob and me?
“Oh yeah, since he was a shaver. Can’t nobody beat him at Three Card Brag.”
“That’s good to know. Anything we should know then, Luca? About our future?” I asked him directly and he puffed at his pipe, blowing out a fluffy cloud of smoke that hovered above his head like a crown.
“The future’s an uncertain thing, changes all the time, if you let it,” he said simply. “The trick is knowing which parts to change.”
“That there’s nothing but common sense masquerading as advice,” Rob snorted, giving him a playful shove on the shoulder. “Come on, luv, I’ll show you where we’re to bed down for the day.”
“Nice talking to you, Luca,” I nodded, still trying to puzzle out what it was he thought I should change, while Rob led me to a trailer that was little more than a tiny metal box. Inside there was barely room for a narrow bed in the back and a pair of chairs bolted to the floor. None of the amenities like a cookstove or sink like Lilias’ trailer. It was warm and dry though, and relatively dust free.
“You go on and take the bed, I’ll try one of the chairs,” Rob said, peeling off his leather jacket.
“No, don’t be silly, we can share. It’s not like either one of us is going to care much after we fall asleep anyway, right?” We’d both be dead to the world.
“Right,” he agreed, sitting gingerly on the side of the bed. “I meant what I said before. I won’t pressure you for more than you’re willing to give.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.” Of course that didn’t mean it was any less awkward, the two of us in the small space with me not being the least bit tired. It was still an hour or two until dawn, and I wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep yet. “You know, you don’t have to leave the party yet, if you don’t want to. I just wanted to figure out where we’d end up sleeping, it doesn’t mean you have to turn in yet.”
“No, I reckon I’d prefer a spot of quiet time. They’re good for a laugh, but truth be told, I don’t really know most of them more than to say a few words to.”
“Except for Lilias and Luca. You seem to know them pretty well.”
“We’ve met a time or two, yeah. Can’t say as we’re all that close though.”
“And your cousin Luca, he’s the real deal? He’s got the Sight like your sister Leila does?”
“Not like Leila exactly, but he’s usually spot on if he speaks up about it. I’ve learned to take his advice when the situation strikes.”
“Good to know,” I murmured, trying to figure out what he meant by surrendering to another’s power to avoid a disaster. And that I shouldn’t give Rob my heart unless I was ready to give it all to him. Did that mean I shouldn’t pick things up with Rob at all until I was a hundred percent ready to forgive him? Or was I supposed to magically find a way to let the past go and give him my all?
All of a sudden, I knew what I had to do. There was only one person who I could surrender my will to, and he was right on the other side of the camp.
“Listen, I think I’m going to go check on Jakob before I turn in for the night.”
His brows rose in surprise. “Jakob?”
“Yes, he did suffer a pretty serious injury. I want to see if he’s woken up at all or if he’s still passed out. He should know that his sacrifice worked and I owe him an apology for some things.”
“You don’t owe him nothing after what he done to you.”
I could understand his anger, and part of me felt the same way, but Jakob’s actions that night had gone a long way toward telling me how far he’d come since I was turned. “He’s doing his best, Rob. That’s all any of us can do. At least he’s learning from his mistakes. I’ll be back soon. Don’t wait up for me if you feel sleepy though.”
“I’ll be fine for a while yet.”
“Bye then.” I thought about kissing him goodbye, but settled on a sort of half wave as I exited the caravan. There was a light still on in Jakob’s trailer, and I knocked softly before opening the door, not wanting to wake him if he still slept. I found him propped up, reading a dog-eared copy of Great Expectations.
“I love that book,” I smiled, shutting the door behind me.
“I have never read it before,” he admitted. “I’m not a great reader, never have been. There always seems to be something better to do.”
“Or someone, I’m guessing,” I teased, smiling when the guilty look on his face confirmed my speculation. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired, which is odd, because I am never tired. Even when I sleep, it is usually a fatigue of the mind, not the body. I feel as though I’ve aged a thousand years in a single night.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only temporary. A few more days and some steady feeding and I’m sure you’ll be breaking hearts in no time.”
“Don’t even joke about breaking hearts,” he groaned, his hand resting over his chest, and I laughed at his cheesy attempt at a joke.
“I’m glad to see your sense of humor has healed at least,” I smiled, sitting down beside him. “Listen, I wanted to say thanks again for coming through like that. I think if it’d been me in your place, I would’ve been a goner.”
“As I said before, it was the least I could do, seeing as how I�
�m responsible for your plight. I would have your forgiveness at any cost.”
“I’m just glad the cost wasn’t any higher,” I said, patting his hand lightly. “And maybe you could do me one more favor?”
He picked up my hand, laying a kiss to the back of it. “Anything, petal. You have only to name it and it shall be done.”
“So I was thinking, maybe you could compel me to forget something. Or not forget exactly, but to make it not bother me as much as it does.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“You wish me to compel you?” Jakob gave a slow blink, as if having trouble processing the request. “I thought you abhorred the loss of your will above all else.”
“In general that’s true, but in this specific instance, I think it might be what I need to move forward.” I explained what I wanted in plenty of detail, making it clear that I wasn’t giving him carte blanche to overwrite my memories – I only wanted to be able to get intimate with Rob without those pesky feelings bubbling to the surface. If I could get past his betrayal with Bridget, I felt sure we could make things work again.
The irony didn’t escape me that I’d compelled Bridget to forget the exact same kind of behavior from Felix in the past. In my mind, there was a big difference though. Felix had acted like a pig without a second thought and Rob’s actions had been completely out of character.
“Are you certain this is what you want, petal?”
“I am.”
His golden head tilted to one side, his blue stare penetrating. “And Ulrik? What of your feelings for him? He led me to believe there was a rekindling of your affections.”
“With the curse broken, he’s with Carys now, I can’t get in the middle of that.” No matter what I felt. “Not that Rob’s a second choice for me,” I added quickly. “I love him, this whole curse thing was proof enough of that. I just need to let some things go. And I have it on good authority that I shouldn’t drag this on for too much longer. It’s best to leave the past in the past and focus on the future.”