by Cat Johnson
“I’m not changing my mind, Logan. Just tell me what you need me to do before I leave to help with the transition to a new instructor, so I can get out of here.” He glanced at his watch, remembering Becca would be at his place in less than an hour.
“Why? You got a hot date tonight?” Logan’s tone showed exactly how unhappy he was with Tuck at the moment.
“No, and I’m not supposed to tell you even if I did. You don’t want to know, remember?” He raised a brow in challenge.
No hot date, but he did have a woman to . . . To what? Say good-bye to? Break up with? Not that they’d been dating in the first place. It was more like he was going away for a little while. Just taking a break from their being together.
He wanted Becca, but he sure as hell didn’t want to want her. Not this much, this soon. And who knew if she wanted more from him? Then there were the rules and the risk they were taking breaking them. A risk to her career she couldn’t afford to take.
Compared to women, war seemed exquisitely simple and uncomplicated. Maybe after six months of blowing shit up, he could come home with a clear head and know exactly what he wanted and what to do about getting it. But right now, things with Becca were about as clear as mud.
Chapter Twenty-two
Tucker was just getting out of his truck when Becca pulled her car in behind him, her heart pounding, her mouth dry.
This was it. The beginning of the end. It wasn’t lost on her that though she’d insisted they weren’t dating, both to herself and to Emma, she was awfully fearful he’d break up with her. She’d freely admit this situation—their situation together—was confusing, but that didn’t mean she wanted it to end.
Maybe this was the time to stop being a sissy and take a chance. Actually commit to a relationship again. Just because Jerry was a dick of a boyfriend didn’t mean Tucker would be. And it really did seem as if he didn’t roam the country riding both bulls and babes as she’d originally feared. Most days he worked from sunup until sundown with the ROTC and the rodeo students.
She realized she’d sat in her car procrastinating, avoiding getting out, for long enough. Too long considering Tucker was standing in the driveway waiting for her. In fact, she’d taken so long, he was now moving toward her. Gentleman that he was, he reached out and opened the door for her.
A hot guy capable of amazing sex, who was polite and had a good job with benefits—why had she not wanted to commit to a relationship with him?
Because she was afraid he might not want her, that’s why.
The little voice in her head that consistently undermined her rational thoughts whispered again, planting doubt where just seconds ago there was none.
She glanced up at him as he reached to help her out of the car. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He smiled but it had a strangely sad look to it. “Come on in.”
He dropped his hold on her hand and turned to lead the way inside.
Becca didn’t know a lot right now—things had gotten very strange very fast—but if she knew anything, it was that Tucker was a hand-holder. He had been from the very moment they’d met, even before they’d had sex. That he’d released his hold on her now was not a good sign.
As the voice of doubt got louder in her head, she braced herself for the big brush-off. The I-think-we-should-just-be-friends speech. Or maybe the I’ve-met-someone-else excuse. Following him to the door, she realized the blame lay squarely on her own shoulders. She couldn’t even blame Emma for putting her in the current situation. At least not totally.
Sure, Emma had bought those rodeo tickets and practically thrown her at Tucker that night, but what happened after the rodeo, and after their unexpected reunion at OSU—that was all on Becca. She’d picked up that phone and asked him over. She’d kissed him more than willingly when he’d barely put down the take-out food bag in her kitchen. And ultimately, she’d said let’s just be friends—friends with benefits.
This mess was all Becca’s, and following Tucker through the door of his house she prepared herself to clean up the pieces of her pride after he shattered it. She refused to admit, even to herself, that her heart was going to be pretty well bruised along with her ego after the impending dumping.
The condo was cool and dark as the air conditioner pumped cold air and the window blinds kept out the heat of the day. He pulled off his camouflage hat and tossed it onto a table right inside the door.
When he flipped on a wrought-iron table lamp, it illuminated a space that was all male. If testosterone was a decorating style, this would be what it looked like, but not necessarily in a bad way. A Native American print blanket hung on the back of the distressed brown leather sofa. A nubby tweed reclining chair, cowhide rug, and a rustic wooden coffee table piled with books on war completed the seating area.
“This is nice.” Her gaze cut to a row of hooks on the wall that held his cowboy hat, chaps, and some distinctly cowboy-looking ropes.
A Manhattan decorator would have hung those things to enhance the rustic Western style of the room, but she knew good and well from having seen that stuff in use, he was simply storing his gear there between rodeos. He was an intriguing, complex man. She probably should have appreciated that more when she had him.
The corner of his mouth pulled up in a crooked smile. “You don’t have to be kind and say you like it.”
“I wasn’t. Really, I’m serious. It’s perfect.” She glanced around the room again. “It looks like . . . you.”
“Yeah, I guess that was the point when I bought all this stuff. But I sure ran up a hell of a lot on my credit card the month I moved out of the house.”
Ah, a post-breakup shopping spree. Maybe men and women weren’t so different after all, though she’d been too depressed to leave the house so she did her shopping online, and her purchases comprised more purses and jewelry than furnishings.
Through an open doorway she saw a tiny galley kitchen, and there was a closed door off the living room. The bedroom most likely. Judging by how far away he was standing, and the absence of his usual lip lock the moment they were alone, she wouldn’t be seeing that room.
She swallowed hard and turned back to him. “Well, you did a good job.”
“Thanks.” He delivered his thank-you along with a nod. “Want a beer?”
A beer? They were definitely in the just friends mode now. Maybe there was a game on TV and they could kick back and eat nachos or something, like they were old buddies. She decided it was time to get this dumping going. “Do I need one?”
One of his brows cocked up. “I don’t know. That’s up to you.”
Since he looked as if he wasn’t going to offer anything willingly, she pushed him further. “What’s going on? Things are different between us and if you don’t want to see me or be friends anymore, I’d rather you just tell me than—”
He strode to her so fast, it seemed as if she’d blinked and he was there, gripping her arms in those big, rough hands that never failed to let her know she was truly being held. “Don’t ever think I don’t want you. That’s not it.”
She believed him. He might not be the best communicator lately, but she’d never known him to be a liar. “Then what?”
Tucker drew in and released a long, deep breath. “I’m deploying to Afghanistan.”
“What?” She shouldn’t have been so surprised at his announcement. He was standing in front of her in uniform. The twin tapes on his chest, right at her eye level, spelled out his name on one side and his branch of service on the other, yet she was as shocked as if he’d just announced he’d booked a flight on the next space shuttle. “When?”
“Soon. Real soon actually.” His regret showed clearly in the tense way he held himself and the sadness in his eyes.
She shook her head, still having trouble wrapping her brain around the concept. “How long have you known?”
“It all happened pretty fast. I haven’t known it was definite for very long.”
She took a steadying breath and moved on to
the next question, not sure she wanted to know the answer. “How long will you be gone?”
“Things change a lot in the military, and in that region particularly, but it shouldn’t be much more than six months. Seven, maybe.”
Six or seven months? Whole lives could change in that amount of time. Hers certainly had done a one-eighty from where she’d been six months ago.
“I’m sorry, Becca.”
That statement surprised her more than the news of the deployment had. “Sorry for what?”
A shadow clouded his features. He looked like he wanted to say something, then changed his mind. He shrugged. “That I’m leaving.”
She frowned. “It’s not your fault. You can’t help where the army sends you.”
“Yeah, well, still. I’m sorry.” For the first time since the confession, he pulled back and dropped his hold on her.
Becca stepped closer, into the safety of his arms. Now of all times, knowing she wouldn’t have him around anymore, she needed him close. It didn’t take long before he drew her tight against him, his thick arms encasing her. Even with her face buried in the stiff fabric of the utilitarian uniform, she felt better. Safe. Held.
He was a good hugger, and it seemed now he’d confessed what had been bothering him, the ban on touching had come to an end. Not that it would do Becca any good for very long, because soon he’d be gone.
She hated to ask it, but forced herself. “When exactly do you have to leave? Can you tell me? Do you know?”
“Yeah.” He swallowed hard. The motion moved his chest beneath her cheek. “I fly out next week. But . . . my mom isn’t handling my leaving as well as I’d hoped. I promised I’d go home and spend as much time with the family as I can before I leave.”
Surprised, she looked up at him. That was sooner than she’d imagined, and now he was telling her he wouldn’t even be around until he left? She felt a little nauseated hearing it. “How far away do they live?”
“It’s still in Oklahoma but it’s a few hours’ drive. This is a big state.” He looked so apologetic, she couldn’t be upset—or at least she shouldn’t be.
“Oh.” Squelching the sick feeling in her gut that this could be the last time she saw him, she pulled back enough to make eye contact. She squeezed her arms around his waist a bit harder. “Then we’d better not waste a minute of tonight.”
The surprise was clear in his features. Good to know she could throw him off kilter as easily as he could her. “Ah, Becca. You’re amazing. Do you know that?”
She glanced at what she hoped was the bedroom door. “I think I might need you to show me.”
It was different, their good-bye sex. It felt like the end. She had no doubt he sensed it, too. They’d only been together a handful of times, but she knew how sex with Tucker usually was, and it was nothing like this.
Gone was the always playful, sometimes adventurous, and usually naughty lover she’d grown accustomed to. In his place was a tender, gentle, reflective man. It was as if he were trying to sear the image of their last time together into his mind. He ran his hands over her body as if committing every curve to memory.
He watched her face while loving her, until she could almost physically feel the intensity of his stare. And after he’d shuddered within her, he collapsed and stayed there for what seemed like forever, his face pressed into her hair, his breathing unsteady, his heart pounding against her chest.
Finally, he asked, “Did you eat dinner?”
“No.” Her response was muffled beneath him.
“Are you hungry?”
“No.” The sick feeling in her belly returned every time she thought of him going to a war zone he might not return from.
“Can you stay a little longer?” His question was so soft, so hesitant, it almost didn’t sound like him.
“I can stay as long as you want me to.”
“Good.”
Chapter Twenty-three
“He’s going to Afghanistan.” Becca’s voice broke as she announced that horrifying reality into the phone.
“Huh? What? Who?” Emma sounded as if she was about one cup of coffee into the day. Awake, moderately alert, but don’t throw anything too heavy at her, such as the word Afghanistan.
Becca drew in a shaky breath and tried to steady herself. “Tucker. That’s why he’s been avoiding me and acting differently. He’s being deployed.”
“Jeez.” Emma paused, obviously taking a moment to absorb the news that had probably sounded as crazy to her as it had to Becca just last night. “But at least he didn’t have another girlfriend or want to break up with you, right?”
“Emma, he’s going to Afghanistan!”
“All right. I hear you. Well, you did say he was in the army. But I’m confused. I thought he was a teacher now.”
“I don’t know. I don’t understand it, either.” She’d thought about it all night as Tuck held her in his bed, and yet she still couldn’t fully grasp it. “He explained a little bit about it, but he was talking about billets and battalions and I don’t understand this stuff. I never knew a soldier before. How am I supposed to know what he’s talking about?”
“We can probably look it up online.” Emma threw out her usual solution to everything.
“I’m afraid to.” She didn’t watch a whole lot of news broadcasts, but when she did, there was always some sort of bad stuff happening in Afghanistan. And now, Tucker was going to be there.
“Becca, try not to worry. Things aren’t as bad over there as they were at the start of the war.”
“You don’t know that.” Becca frowned.
She’d love it to be true, but how could Emma know so much about everything? From rodeos to war. Did the woman sit online all day and read? Actually, knowing Emma and her job, she probably did. Maybe it was true. Maybe things were quieting down over there.
“Sure, I do. Why else would the president have called for troop reductions in that region?”
“H . . . he did?” Becca stuttered. Troop reductions? She really needed to pay more attention to current events now that she had a very personal stake in them.
“Yes, he did. Didn’t you hear that on the news?”
“No.” She hated to admit she’d rather watch one of the morning talk shows and see what new movies were releasing and which celebrities were getting into trouble. Emma, for some reason, was a news hound. “I’ll start watching.”
“No! Don’t do that. Now is definitely not the time for you to take a sudden interest in international news. It’s best if you don’t see or hear anything else about the war until Tucker is back home and safe. When will that be?”
“Six or seven months.” She had been much calmer before saying it out loud. Hearing it now, it seemed like a very long time.
“That’s not so bad.” Emma put on her coddling voice. The one she saved for when Becca needed . . . well, coddling. “You’ll come home to New York for Thanksgiving and the long break between semesters. You’ll stay here with me. We can spend the holidays at Mom and Dad’s. Then before you know it, he’ll be home, safe and sound.”
The school year always did seem to fly by, especially leading up to Christmas. There never seemed to be as much time as she wanted or needed to get all her shopping and decorating done. Hopefully that would hold true for this year and the months would speed past until they were well into the new year and Tucker was back.
“All right.” She eyed the clock. “I have to get ready for my classes.”
She hadn’t even showered yet. She’d come directly home from Tucker’s as the sun was rising and called her sister the moment she was in the apartment. Thank God for the one-hour time difference. It was only early in New York, not insanely early.
“Wait, don’t hang up yet. One more question.”
“Okay.” She didn’t know if she could handle one more when the subject was Tucker’s leaving for war.
“When does he have to leave?”
“Next week, but he’s spending the rest of his tim
e with his family.” She swallowed the sick feeling away. “Last night was our last together. We . . . we said our good-byes this morning.” And she’d barely made it to her car before the tears started to fall.
“Oh, Becs. I’m sorry. That really, really sucks.”
Yes, it did.
“Jeez, Tuck. Afghanistan again?” Jace put down the coffee mug he’d just lifted halfway to his mouth. “It feels like you just got back.”
“I’ve been back for a while.” Long enough to find out his wife had been cheating on him, finalize the divorce, and get on with his life. That all had taken a good bit of time.
“I guess, but I thought you’d be home for a little while longer before they sent you back over there. Especially now you have the job at OSU.”
“Eh, you know the military.” Tuck shrugged, feeling bad for not telling Jace the full truth. That he’d volunteered to go. “Ain’t no telling where or when they’ll decide to ship you out to next.”
“I guess so. And on such short notice, too. Damn. Glad I’m my own boss.” Jace grinned. “Ain’t nobody can tell me what to do.”
“That’s true. You’re lucky,” he agreed, and figured this was as good a time as any to broach another subject. The other reason he’d asked Jace to breakfast. “That brings up another thing I wanted to talk to you about. My assistant coach is gonna be taking over the rodeo team practices all on her own, but since you’re your own boss and all, you think maybe you could help her out once in a while?”
“Help out that cute young thing? Oh, yeah. Not a problem.”
“Jace . . .”
“I know, I know. Hands off. Just yanking your chain. I’d be happy to help. I wanna see if that one roper has been following my advice anyway. Did he get his time down any since I worked with him?”
“He has, actually. You did good.” He smiled at Jace’s enthusiasm.
“Eh, it wasn’t exactly rocket science showing him a quicker way to complete that tie-down, but I did what I could.”