Onwaachige the Dreamer

by Jay Jordan Hawke

  “You first, though,” Joshua said. “What are you doing here exactly?”

  “Dude, I work here,” Mokwa said, visibly bewildered by the question.

  “I know, but not at the lake. How did you find me here at the lake?”

  “Dude, I’ve been coming to the lake first thing in the morning ever since you left,” Mokwa told him. “Gentle Eagle had a, um, a feeling that you’d be back, and that when you returned, you’d be here at the lake.”

  “That’s insane,” Joshua said. “How could my grandfather possibly have….” Joshua paused, diverted by the rest of Mokwa’s words. “Really?” Joshua asked. “You came looking for me every day?”

  “Every single day, bro,” Mokwa admitted.

  Then the full significance of Mokwa’s statement hit him like a ton of bricks. “Oh my God! So does that mean Grandfather knows I’m here too?” Joshua asked as panic set in.

  “Relax, he didn’t know when you’d be back, just the where part. Dreams are never that specific.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it,” Joshua said. “But seriously, he can’t know. You can’t tell him. Promise me.”

  “You know I’m not good at promises, or even secrets for that matter.” He paused as if considering. “Or anything, really,” he muttered.

  “Grandfather will be forced to call my mother!” Joshua said. “Otherwise, he’d be considered an accessory, to like kidnapping or something. Please promise me. I won’t go back to Mom. I’ll just run away again, to somewhere else.” Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes as desperation set in.

  “Okay, I promise. Secrets are my specialty,” Mokwa said.

  “I’m serious,” Joshua said, his tone begging for a genuine reply.

  “Okay! I promise, my brother.” This time there was no room for doubting his sincerity. He put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, trying to calm him down. “It’s really good to see you again, Pukawiss. I missed you so much.”

  “Thanks, bro,” Joshua said with a bright smile. “Feels good to be missed.”

  “So are you going to tell me why you ran away from home?”

  Joshua took in a deep breath, preparing to release a flood of pain. “Yeah, I guess it’s time we had a long talk.”

  JOSHUA SAT with Mokwa at the lakefront, explaining to him every detail of his previous week at summer camp. Occasionally, Joshua would choke up and have to wait a minute before continuing. But Mokwa was a patient and compassionate listener, taking it all in and offering the occasional reassurance that everything would be okay. But even the most able listener couldn’t comprehend everything that Joshua had been through. Even as Joshua told the story, he realized something was lost in translation. He had no words to express the painful emotions he had felt throughout the ordeal; he felt as though a part of his own soul had been destroyed when that boy, vicious and cruel though he was, had plunged to his death.

  “Wow, Pukawiss, that’s intense,” Mokwa said, appearing both riveted and saddened by the story.

  “Yeah,” Joshua agreed sullenly.

  “No, I mean it. I don’t know how you did it, bro. You’re one tough—”

  “Thanks,” Joshua said, starting to smile. “But, I don’t feel so tough right now.”

  Mokwa gazed at Joshua in disbelief. “That Levi guy, he totally got what he deserved.”

  Joshua couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Mokwa had failed to get the entire point of his story. Either that or he didn’t care. “What?” Joshua asked in disbelief. “Don’t say that!”

  “Sheesh, I just mean that it sounds like he was a real asshole.”

  “He was,” Joshua agreed, “but he’s dead, and it’s my fault! Don’t you understand? A boy is dead because of me.” Saying it out loud should have been enough for someone to grasp the true nature of his crime. But Mokwa didn’t play along.

  “Wait, you said it was because of that Robby kid, that he was the one who knocked Levi off the cliff.”

  “Accidentally!” Joshua screamed.

  “Yes,” Mokwa agreed. “So how is any of this your fault?” Once again, Mokwa bore a puzzled expression.

  “Because Robby was trying to protect me.” Joshua thought that point had been obvious. If Robby hadn’t been trying to save Joshua’s life, he wouldn’t have knocked Levi off that cliff. “Levi had a knife, and he was going to use it. I mean, I don’t know, maybe he was just trying to scare me.”

  “Jesus, he had a knife?” Mokwa said, obviously baffled by the neglected detail.

  As Joshua explained it to Mokwa, he realized that as much as the incident had dominated his thoughts over the past couple of days, he hadn’t fully processed what had happened. Maybe Mokwa was right. Levi had a knife after all. He was going to kill Joshua! Or so it had seemed.

  “Yeah,” Joshua said, finally getting it himself for the first time. “He had a knife.” Joshua was disturbed by the realization as he contemplated how the situation might have played out differently.

  “And Robby was just trying to protect you,” Mokwa said gently, trying to calm Joshua down.

  “Yeah,” Joshua agreed, his voice quivering.

  “And you’re feeling sorry for Levi?” Mokwa asked in obvious disbelief.

  “He’s dead, Mokwa. Don’t you get it?” But this time Joshua wasn’t as angry or insistent. He simply repeated his point, having lost the argument.

  Mokwa took in a deep breath and released it, as though considering one final point. “Did it ever occur to you that Robby would be dead if you hadn’t been there?” Mokwa asked. “Who knows what Levi would have done to him or what he would have done to himself if you hadn’t befriended him? Sometimes you got to think about what might have been in order to put things in perspective.”

  “Trust me,” Joshua said, “I know all about alternate realities. It’s why I left Cody in the first place.”

  “Cody?” Again, Mokwa looked befuddled.

  “Yeah, Cody.” Joshua realized that as detailed as he had been in telling his story, he had left out yet another significant detail. But how could he have failed to mention Cody? Perhaps it was because he had never even come out to Mokwa. Even though Mokwa knew he was gay, it was still difficult to openly discuss it. Subconsciously, it was just easier to leave that part out of the story.

  “You told me about Levi and Robby,” Mokwa said. “No mention of anyone named Cody. I’m really pretty sure of this.”

  “Are you sure?” Joshua teased.

  “Oh my God, Pukawiss! Who the hell is Cody?” Mokwa asked.

  Joshua decided it didn’t matter anymore. Maybe his subconscious mind wasn’t quite ready to have this discussion, but his conscious mind had no issue with it, at least not when it came to talking to Mokwa. “Um, well, he’s my, um—my boyfriend,” Joshua said, looking at Mokwa for a reaction.

  “Well, high five, Pukawiss! You’re the man!” Mokwa was obviously impressed. “How do you leave something like that out of the story?” he added.

  “It didn’t end well,” Joshua said, trying to explain. “He betrayed me, but it was only because he was scared,” Joshua rambled as he tried to explain away Cody’s actions in a way that made Cody look good. “He’s gay too, just like me, and he just didn’t want his father to know. Just like I don’t want my mother to know.” Joshua had to take a breath after getting all of that out so quickly.

  “Dude, you just came out to me,” Mokwa said, clearly happy that Joshua trusted him enough to confide in him. Mokwa was unlike anyone Joshua had ever known. He had no issues with gay people. It was Mokwa, after all, who had explained to Joshua earlier in the summer that the Ojibwe people had once revered gay people as Niizh Manidoowag, or persons with two spirits—one male and one female. But Joshua was old enough to know there was a difference between ideals and practice. His experiences with Christians had taught him that. So this conversation served to confirm to Joshua that Mokwa was no hypocrite.

  “Yeah, I guess I did,” Joshua said, smiling once again, fully embracing the liberation th
at came from confiding in his closest friend.

  “And also, you’re rambling,” Mokwa added. “You need to slow down. What exactly happened to Cody?”

  Joshua took a deep breath and tried to focus. “Okay, so his father found out he was gay and then made life so miserable for him that he killed himself.” Joshua said it matter-of-factly, as if reading from a book.

  But Mokwa looked horrified. “Oh my God, Pukawiss. I’m so sorry. Now I get why you feel so—”

  “No, he’s still alive!” Joshua interrupted. Once again he had left out an essential detail. He wasn’t very practiced at storytelling.

  “You’re really not easy to talk to sometimes,” Mokwa said.

  “No, it’s my dreams. I dreamt Cody was going to kill himself. And whatever I dream comes true. It happened again while I was at camp.”

  A flicker of recognition flashed across Mokwa’s face. “Onwaachige,” Mokwa said, as if finally getting it. “Gentle Eagle told me your name. That you were a dreamer. It’s been a while since we had a dreamer on the Rez.”

  “Wait, I thought you said Gentle Eagle was a dreamer too? You said he saw my arrival?”

  “Yeah, but he’s not like you. No one’s that crazy with dreams. The manitous always give two-spirits special powers, you know. That’s the way it’s always been. You’re gifted, Pukawiss.” He paused as if reflecting. “Well, I guess it’s not just two-spirits. I mean, your father had some pretty mad dream skills too. That’s what Gentle Eagle says, anyway.”

  “My father was a dreamer?” Joshua was perplexed. How could he have known someone his entire life and yet not know something so fundamental about them?

  “Yeah, but that’s really for Gentle Eagle to tell you,” Mokwa said. “Speaking of which, he’ll be arriving soon to set up for the day.”

  “Don’t forget you can’t tell him I’m here,” Joshua insisted, almost in a panic.

  “No problem, bro. But what are you going to do here all day?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll think about it. Come up with a plan, maybe, I guess. Just give me some time.”

  “Okay, Pukawiss. I’ll come back here at lunch and bring you a sandwich.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. God, it really is good to see you again. And don’t worry. I got your back, bro. You’re not alone.”

  Joshua needed to hear that. He felt comforted for the first time in weeks. Here, back on the reservation, he could just relax and reflect on everything that had happened to him. And more importantly, he could figure out his next step.

  MOKWA HEARD a noise coming from the Skills Camp as he headed toward the Trading Post, so he took a quick detour. The sounds were coming from Little Deer, but it was unusual for him to be there so early in the morning.

  Mokwa was concerned as he approached the site. Joshua had just charged him with keeping a very important secret, and Mokwa hated secrets. He just wanted everything and everyone to be out in the open. Life was far simpler that way. No need to complicate things with lies, deceit, and secrets. Nothing could be so bad that it couldn’t be shared. In fact, sharing it allowed you to deal with it and put it behind you. And that’s what Mokwa liked: putting things behind him, just living in and enjoying the present moment.

  On the other hand, Mokwa understood Joshua’s plea to keep his presence at the village a secret. If Gentle Eagle discovered Joshua was on the Rez, he’d be obligated to call Joshua’s mother, and she’d take Joshua away. Mokwa couldn’t grasp a mind that was so closed, hateful, and bigoted as the one he had encountered in Joshua’s mother. Her abhorrence for Native American culture was written on her face, and it was not a pretty sight.

  Mokwa couldn’t bear the thought of losing Joshua again. More importantly, what would become of Joshua if he had to go back to his mother? Joshua threatened that he would run away again. Where would he go? What would happen to him out there all by himself? Mokwa had to keep Joshua safe, and the only way he could do that was by keeping him close and keeping his secret. All of this added up to an impossible situation for Mokwa as he contemplated having to lie to his friend. But no matter how much it tore him apart inside, he had to do it—for Joshua. Nothing was more important than protecting him, and he regretted not having done it when his mother first dragged Joshua away.

  “S’up, Little Deer,” Mokwa said as he entered the Skills Camp. “Why so late today?”

  “I’m not late, you are.” Little Deer never said much, but he always conveyed exactly what he needed to with as few words as possible. This made engaging in small talk with him very difficult, but at least he always got to the point.

  “No way, dude. I’ve been here since 6:00 a.m.,” Mokwa said proudly.

  “You weren’t at breakfast, though,” Little Deer pointed out. He looked a bit down, as though depressed by the unexpected break in routine.

  Mokwa rarely missed breakfast with Gentle Eagle and Little Deer. It was such an integral part of his morning ritual that interrupting it was a notable event. “Well, I was going to come back and join you two, but I just got into setting things up here,” he explained. Mokwa’s voice quivered a bit as he delivered his excuse. Already, the lying had begun.

  Little Deer was obviously not satisfied with the response. “How do you get into setting things up?”

  “Oh God, Little Deer, you’re relentless!” Mokwa shouted, having already broken down. The truth erupted from him like a volcano. “Fine, Pukawiss is back. I can’t take it anymore!”

  “What!” It was a rare expression of excitement from Little Deer. “Where?” he added, already calming down.

  “I’ll never tell you. Forget I said it,” Mokwa said, regretting that he had so easily betrayed Joshua.

  “Don’t make me tell Jenny,” Little Deer threatened.

  Jenny was Mokwa’s Achilles heel and Little Deer knew it. As hard as it was for Mokwa to lie to Little Deer, he’d be hopelessly defenseless against Jenny. “Fine, he’s at the lake,” Mokwa sighed. Little Deer didn’t wait for an explanation. He took off up the trail to the lakefront.

  “Don’t tell him I told you!” Mokwa shouted to Little Deer, as he stayed behind, repeatedly hitting himself on the forehead.

  “I’m not talking to you,” Little Deer shouted back.

  It was as though a million tons had been lifted off Mokwa’s shoulders. He already felt better now that the lies were over, and he continued to the Wisdom Lodge to set up for the day. His ability to live in the present was a skill that no one appreciated.

  JOSHUA CONTINUED to gaze at the lake after Mokwa left, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to lie down and take a nap. He desperately needed to catch up on some sleep. He hadn’t slept at all his last night at camp. And being on the run from home since made him anxious and paranoid, not exactly a recipe for a good night’s sleep. Joshua had gotten extra nervous at every bus stop on his way to the Rez, as he anticipated that each would be the stop where the cops would discover him and drag him back to his mother. Spending the night at the reservation campgrounds out in the open didn’t help much either. It would be easy for authorities to spot him there, he had reasoned at the time. And beyond that, tourists were talking and laughing till well past midnight. Even after that, throughout the night, the slightest sound woke him up again. And then he had gotten up early that morning and hiked over to the Wiigwaas Village.

  But now he was safe. He was at his village, on the Rez, surrounded by forests. It was the last place in the world any authorities would show up looking for him. Surely he was beyond his mother’s reach. But still, if anyone saw him there and told Gentle Eagle about it, all would be lost. It disturbed Joshua that he couldn’t just go and see his grandfather. Gentle Eagle had become the most important person in the world to him, and yet he was the one person Joshua could not confide in. He loved his grandfather too much to put him in such a difficult position.

  Vivid images started to form in Joshua’s mind as he closed his eyes. Already he was drifting off to sleep, giving in to h
is physical and emotional exhaustion. Through sheer force of will, he managed to open his eyes and look around anxiously one last time, as though someone might use his inattentiveness to sneak up on him. But nothing was there, and Joshua was soon pulled into a deep sleep.

  What is that sound? he wondered, as his mind fed him images of tiny birds dancing on the ground around him. They quickly morphed into squirrels frolicking as they went about their morning routines. It sounded like tiny little feet gently striking the debris of crinkled leaves and twigs that made up the lakefront terrain. But Joshua didn’t open his eyes this time, even as the sound got closer. It was just squirrels, after all, and besides, Joshua wasn’t even sure they were real. He was probably just daydreaming.

  But then something startled him to full awareness, as a warm lump of fur announced its presence by butting up against his shoulders. “Meow,” the lump said affectionately. To Joshua, that simple greeting conveyed an impossible story in the only way it could. Joshua propped himself up by his elbows to focus on the gentle intruder. The face of the lump of fur gazed at him quizzically.

  Joshua sat up, his legs crossed, and stared back at the curious little creature that had been making so much noise. The cat sensed the relaxation in Joshua’s defenses and approached once again, rubbing up against Joshua’s legs and purring smoothly like a low-level electric motor.

  “Who are you, little guy?” Joshua said, as he reached over to pick up the cat. Joshua had always loved cats, though he never had one himself. His mother wouldn’t allow it. But he had been friends with every cat in his neighborhood back in Eagle River, where he had lived prior to the reservation. He knew how to handle them. “You must be one of the new college interns,” he joked as he rubbed the cat’s ears.

  The cat had a beautiful coat of long gray fur. He was young and energetic, and apparently attentive to his own grooming. Joshua didn’t know how long the cat had been in the forest, but he sensed it had quite a story to tell. “You’re one tough little guy, aren’t you?” Joshua said to the creature.