Snakes Can't Run

by Ed Lin

  “It’s not completely safe, yes, but there are worse neighborhoods in the city.”

  “Well then, tell me again why the hell you live out here. Dude, if you want to get really serious about this whole thing called life, move on out to California. I can find you a spot on the job. It pays more, too. Course, going out that far would probably mean that you and Lonnie get married first.”

  “Now that’s a trip we’re not ready for yet. When are you getting married?”

  “I am in no rush at all. My old man didn’t get married until he was forty-four.”

  “Unlucky age.”

  “He had me and he’s still healthy, so how unlucky could he be?”

  A waiter came by and cleared our plates. I ordered a slice of cheesecake with a strawberry topping. It came back instantly.

  “You can have some strawberries and the graham-cracker crust,” I said.

  Eddie picked out a strawberry and popped it into the side of his mouth. “You’re so generous,” he said. “Will you let me lick your plate when you’re done?”

  “The fork, too,” I said. “Hey, ah, Eddie, I was wondering something. You ever hear anybody call Ng Brother Five?”

  “No.”

  “Does the number five mean anything in triad culture?”

  “Not by itself. Triad titles start with the number four.”

  “Isn’t the number four bad luck?”

  “You’re thinking of mainstream Chinese culture, with ‘four’ sounding like ‘death.’ In triad culture, ‘four’ represents the four directions and four seas. I’m sure they also love the association with ‘death,’ as well, to both scare off the general public and reinforce to triad members how seriously they should take their oaths.”

  “So ‘Brother Five’ would be a nickname from outside the triad.”

  “Almost definitely. Maybe it comes from The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan.”

  “Eddie, how is it that you were able to come off as a triad member and not an outsider?”

  “I have a master’s degree in Chinese studies, Robert. My thesis was on subculture and criminality. I also have source material. You’re not the only ABC who can read characters, you know. Besides, I have some acting chops.”

  “Yeah, but the triad tradition is just so intricate. I understand that you have to kind of live it and be steeped in it. There’s no way you can really just sort of book-learn it.”

  “Robert, I didn’t think I’d have to demystify Chinese stuff for you! There isn’t anything too arcane or strange in our culture that can’t be learned and understood.”

  “Telly Savalas couldn’t have gone undercover in a triad, no matter what kind of wig he had.”

  “Yeah, the lollipop would have given him away. That’s really not a triad thing to do.”

  “Are you telling me,” I asked slowly, “that you have no triad connections in your family whatsoever? Because I know that even if I studied triad culture for years, they would have tripped me up on something.” I took a bite of cheesecake and pushed it around my molars.

  “I’ve got a great memory and I’m a fast learner.”

  “I know you’re really smart, Eddie. I can see it in your humor, which really pushes the envelope, by the way. I think you could do stand-up. Anyway, I’m thinking that a guy who has a master’s in Chinese studies instead of a medical, law, or engineering degree must come from a pretty comfortable family rather than strivers. Not to mention that you’re a cop now. Not to mention that Ng probably did some checking up on you and your lineage back in the old country. What line of business is your family in?”

  Eddie popped another strawberry in his mouth and folded his arms behind his head.

  When he was ready, he said, “Robert, my family runs a legitimate import-export business. The industry is more arcane than any triad cultural references and you definitely can’t bullshit your way through it.”

  “How come you didn’t join the family business?”

  “I didn’t want to be sitting in an office pushing a pen around and punching numbers into a calculator, man. But after hanging out with Ng, it seems a lot more exciting, now. I have to see if my dad’s been keeping two sets of books, too.”

  “Would you bust him on tax evasion?”

  “If he is, I’m sure it’s on such a small scale compared with Ng. It’s in line with the typical fudging.”

  “Does your father smuggle people into the country, too?”

  “Big-time. How do you think I got into this country? In fact, I’m out here to set up another leg to our smuggling network. By the way, want to buy some heroin?”

  “Can it, Eddie.”

  “Seriously, Robert, smuggling hasn’t been the focus of my investigation of Ng, but I haven’t seen anything linking him to it.”

  “Nothing even remotely suspicious?”

  “Wet footprints in his office? Thumping sounds coming from his car trunk? A ledger book recording monthly debt payments?”

  “Sure. I’ll take any of them.”

  “I’ve got nothing for you on that front. But he’s been talking about cleaning up the family business, and his rivals within the family aren’t going to like it. So I wouldn’t be surprised to see some heavyweight do something about it.”

  “Why would they even care?”

  Eddie shrugged. Despite earlier remarks that he was lactose intolerant, he stuck a forkful of cheesecake in his mouth and swallowed quickly. He sipped some water to clear his mouth.

  “Ng might bring some of their dirty laundry to light,” he said. “They’re also probably mad that one of their own could break the oaths of secrecy and go legit. Maybe they’re jealous that he’s going to be able to live a life without having to check over his shoulder all the time. At least until I put him in jail.”

  “What kind of sentence do you get for tax evasion?”

  “Al Capone got six and a half years in Club Fed. Ng’ll get less.”

  “Why are we even bothering with him if he’s only getting a light sentence?”

  “This case is going to make the government a shitload of money—probably tens of millions of dollars! New York City’s going to get its share. The Feds are gonna get their share. We don’t need to put this guy in the slammer as much as we need his money. There’s no big payoff to catching a murderer. But a tax evader? You hit the jackpot!”

  “We’re just going after Ng basically for the money? Are we just a bunch of thugs? There are worse people we could nail.” I had a vision of Willie Gee in prison garb, ladling out gruel to bikers with swastika tattoos.

  “You break the law,” said Eddie, “we poke a hole in your money sack and you take a few pokes up your ass in the big house.” He took another big bite of my cheesecake.

  “Why are we cracking down on someone trying to go straight?”

  “We’re helping him go straight even faster!”

  The check came and I took care of it after a token protest.

  “I’ll give you a ride back to Manhattan in my car,” Eddie offered.

  “I never turn down a free ride,” I said.

  “Oh, it ain’t free. You’re going to be paying big-time!” he said, smiling. “I told you—dairy doesn’t like me!”

  24

  I WAS SLEEPING WHEN THE PHONE RANG. I WOKE UP SLOWLY, GROPING in the dark, feeling annoyed and thirsty.

  “Okay,” I said into the receiver.

  “Hey,” said Vandyne, “I really hate to bother you, but can I come over?”

  “Sure,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I struggled to hang up the phone. I came out of my bedroom and shook Paul awake. I told him to go sleep in the bed. I folded up the Castro Convertible so Vandyne and I could sit on it. I filled up a teapot with cold water and put it on the stove to boil.

  When my old partner calls me up and wants to come over, I don’t ask why. I say, “Yes.” If he asked me to jump, I wouldn’t even ask, “How high?” I would just start jumping and hope it was good enough.

  I wo
uld never question anything he asked of me. I knew he would do the same for me. We trusted each other with our lives. Maybe our souls, too.

  When Vandyne came up, I saw that he was in bad shape. His face was puffy and his eyes were red. He sat down on the couch and wiped his mouth.

  “What is that smell in here?” he asked. “Onions?”

  “That’s from the Make-aBetter Burger mix. We had ’em for dinner.”

  “I didn’t know you cooked.”

  “I don’t. Paul did. He’s a smart kid, but if he had to, he could definitely fall back on flipping burgers.”

  “Rose left me,” Vandyne said. “She’s gone.”

  “Jesus!” I said.

  “She didn’t even say much on the way out. Just that she was at the end of the line with me, that we’ve lost touch with each other, and that I don’t talk to her anymore.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I didn’t know what to say! I was in shock! So by being quiet, I only proved her right.”

  I moved to the counter and made a cup of Brim and a cup of Folgers. I brought them to the coffee table by the sofa and sat down next to Vandyne.

  “The Brim’s on the left, if you want decaf,” I said.

  “I’m not going to sleep anyway,” he muttered, taking the Folgers. Damn, I thought. Now I was stuck with the Brim.

  “How were things going?” I asked. “I mean, I never heard you say you and Rose were having a bad time.”

  “Deep down, somewhere, I knew there was something gone wrong. I didn’t realize that what I was feeling doesn’t just affect me. It affects everybody around me.”

  He drank his coffee. I took a sip of Brim. It was so bad it tasted like it was something good for my body.

  Vandyne put down his cup and covered his eyes with his hands.

  “If only somebody could have warned me,” he moaned. “If there was just some way I could have gotten a telegram that my marriage was in trouble. Just something.”

  I put the Brim on the coffee table and tried to crack my wrist bones. “Maybe there was just no way of knowing,” I said. “It was one of those things meant to happen. You know?”

  “Yeah, maybe, partner. Maybe it was.” He propped up his head in his hands and stared at nothing.

  “This is probably just a temporary thing. You guys just need time away from each other.”

  “She did go to her sister’s place. That’s not too far away. Just embarrassing that they know we’re having problems. Now that jerk knows everything.”

  “You mean your sister-in-law’s husband, right?”

  “Yeah. That one.”

  “You never told me he was Chinese, you know?”

  Vandyne sat up. “I didn’t think it mattered,” he said, sounding defensive.

  “If it doesn’t matter, then why didn’t you just tell me?”

  “So if I have a problem with someone Chinese, I have to check in with you?”

  “Of course! I might know the guy and straighten him out!”

  “Believe me, you don’t know this guy. Anyway, I don’t think of you as Chinese.”

  “I’m not Chinese? You mean I’m not Chinese enough?”

  “Naw, I see you as a brother.” He held up a hand. “As my brother.”

  I nodded.

  Vandyne crossed his arms and tilted his head. “Hey,” he said. “How did you know Harry is Chinese?”

  I took a long, deep breath, but it didn’t give me enough time to think of something to say.

  “You talked to Rose, right?” he asked.

  “I did.”

  “Dammit, Chow! You held back on me!”

  “Vandyne, I didn’t know how serious it was! I thought maybe you guys were just having a small problem or something. She didn’t say she was going to leave you and everything.” I didn’t remember her saying that, anyway.

  “You talked to her today?”

  “No, no! About a few days ago. You have to remember, we got together as two people who care about you.”

  “You got together with her! You saw her in person!”

  “Yeah. For lunch.”

  “I bet she made you go to Chock full o’Nuts.”

  “We did go there.”

  He leaned over and balanced his elbows on his knees. “Oh, hell, I can’t blame you, Chow. It wouldn’t have made a difference if you had told me or not. I still wouldn’t have known what to do. It’s all my fault. The whole thing.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  “Just let her cool off for a few days before trying to contact her.”

  “She told you where she was going to stay. It probably means she wants you to go get her back.”

  “That could be it.”

  “She says you haven’t been communicating much, so you should probably talk her ear off. Soon. Maybe send her flowers at work?”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  “Oh, and make sure you tell her how beautiful she is!”

  “Hey,” said Paul from the hallway. “How come I never get tips on women from you, Robert?”

  “How come you never get any women?” I asked. “Why are you spying on us?”

  “Your phone rang. It’s Eddie.”

  I got up and went to the bedroom.

  “Eddie,” I said into the receiver.

  “Robert. I got a little piece of information for you.”

  “What?”

  “You know the bodies of those two illegals?”

  “I can’t forget.”

  “Well, turns out that they had a detour on the way to the potter’s field. Mr. Tin paid for having them shipped to China.”

  “Tin? From the Greater China Association?”

  “Yeah, him!”

  “What’s he trying to pull?”

  “I don’t know, but it’s an expensive distraction, if that’s what it is.”

  “Thanks for the info. I’ll check in with him in the morning.”

  “I’m sorry to call so late with maybe not so important information. I didn’t know I’d be waking up a kid.”

  “That’s all right. He doesn’t care.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “Hey, Eddie. Offhand, what would you say is a good way to get a woman back? I got a friend whose wife—”

  “Vandyne?”

  “What! Um, no! Not him!”

  “Has to be! You don’t have any other friends!”

  “Shit.”

  “Anyway, my advice is don’t try too hard. Women get annoyed when you try too hard. They complain that men aren’t attentive enough, but they are creatures that love to fight and win your attention. So it pays to ignore them a little. In fact, Vandyne should probably err on the side of coming off as not caring.”

  “She left because she felt like he didn’t care.”

  “Then I think he should err on the side of trying too hard. All women are different. You have to respect their individuality.”

  “Thanks for the advice.”

  “Don’t mention it. Hey, if it doesn’t work out, then tell him to come visit me in San Fran. I know a lot of fine women who have it together. Maybe you, too? That is, if things don’t work out with Lonnie. I mean you said you guys probably aren’t getting married, right?”

  “I didn’t say that, I meant just not real soon.”

  “So maybe you want to play the field some more on the side?”

  “I’m set, Eddie.”

  “Hey, I’m sorry again for waking up Paul. Sometimes I forget you have a kid over there when I call on the later side.”

  “He can handle it. He’s more like a roommate.”

  “Sounds young on the phone. Anyway, are you busy tomorrow?”

  “Depends. What’s going on? You got some fine women you want Vandyne to meet?”

  “No. We’re busting in on Ng. Want to come watch?”

  “What time?”

  “Twenty-two hundred. Oh, and don’t tell anyone but Vandyne.”

  “Yeah, see you. And thanks.” I hung
up. I had mixed feelings about Ng. Locking him up somehow didn’t feel right.

  I came back to the living room. The burger smell was pretty strong. Then I saw that it was because Paul was making more Make-a-Better Burgers.

  “Oh, Chow, I asked Paul if there were some left over. I didn’t mean to make him cook some new ones. I haven’t eaten dinner.”

  “I’m hungry again,” said Paul. “How about you, Robert?”

  “I could eat one,” I said. I went over to the couch and picked up the Brim and drank it quickly in big gulps. I hated it, but I also hated wasting things, and I figured the onion taste from the burger would make everything better anyway.

  25

  VANDYNE AND I CRAWLED NORTH ON MULBERRY STREET AND pulled in behind a box truck that was parked on the sidewalk against the funeral home. It was about midnight and the streets in Chinatown were dead quiet. Our radios were off.

  “This is it,” I said. “This is the end of the line for Ng.”

  “I still remember when you almost believed he was going to save the youth of Chinatown,” said Vandyne, stretching his arms behind his head.

  “Just goes to show you, man. Everybody has an ulterior motive.”

  “How long do you think he’ll get?”

  “Eddie said Al Capone only got six and a half years and that Ng will get less. Funny thing is Capone got his start right on this block, when this used to be Five Points.”

  “He murders all those people, bootlegs enough liquor to fill the Great Lakes, and yet he gets busted on something stupid—tax evasion.”

  “Criminals spend so much time planning out their crimes, they never think about how they’re going to hide all that money. Once they grab the money they think they’ve won already.”

  Vandyne looked down at his hands.

  “Say, Chow, you ever have one of those integrity tests?”

  “No. Not yet. You?”

  “Yeah. Tried to get me about a year ago. I was ticketing a car, not too far from here, on the other side of the park. The window was open and a book was sitting in the front seat. Gone with the Wind. I won’t forget that. There was a five-dollar bill sticking out, like a bookmark. I was going to leave a note and turn the book in to the station before someone else reached in and stole it.”

  “But you were going to keep the five bucks?”