Let Me Love You

by Lily Foster

  “Chamonix?”

  “Oui. Possibilites interessantes, no?”

  I smiled broadly and nodded; yes, exciting opportunities for sure.

  Scarcely a minute after she left, Bennett slithered over. “I see you know my good friend, Meredith? I hope she wasn’t trying to lure one of my best interns away. I’m counting on you to be on my team next year.”

  You know how they say to never burn your bridges? Although I would like to have personally detonated explosive devices on this bridge, I had to keep my head. “I’m grateful for every opportunity I’ve been given at the station.”

  He didn’t press the issue. “So, give it to me straight, Ms. Beaumont. Summarize the highs and lows of working with the great Glenn Bennett.”

  I couldn’t help but smile in response. For as much of a jerk as he could be, I did learn from watching him. “Well, you’re very knowledgeable about your guests and all related issues. Also, you’re a master at improvisation. You don’t get flustered easily; when things aren’t going smoothly behind the scenes the viewer would never know it. So, I learned a great deal from you in that respect.”

  “And now for the lows, Ms. Beaumont?”

  I took a deep breath. “When you’re a superior and you refer to a woman’s looks in the workplace, it diminishes her.”

  “Fair enough, Rene. If you butchering your beautiful hair didn’t get the message across, that certainly did.”

  As he turned to leave he winked cheekily and said, “You know you have a job with me next year if you want it… but grow your hair back before next summer for Christ’s sake.”

  I thought to myself…NEVER!

  Caleb

  “So you’re interested in how my night went all of a sudden?”

  “Don’t make me fucking beg, Mick.”

  He laughed. “Ok. My night was fantastic. That one, Caitlin, is a hottie and she’s really nice. I wound up crashing with them.”

  I cringed. “You hooked up with Caitlin?”

  “Yeah, so what?”

  Talk about muddying the water. “I don’t know, man, forget it.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to start dating her or anything. To be honest, she doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who gets too hung up on guys. I was a little insulted. She didn’t even seem to care about getting my number.”

  “Oh, poor Mick.”

  “So what do you want to know about Rene? I know that’s the only reason you’re calling me right now.”

  “How is she?”

  “I don’t know. Good, I guess. She looked like she was having a great time until I came along and mentioned you. Then she looked like she’d been kicked in the gut; kind of how you look most of the time. My opinion is that she’s definitely still hung up on you.” He went on, “I can see why you’re so into her. She’s a really nice person, easy to talk to, whatever. And she’s hot. That little cropped kinda-hairdo doesn’t usually do it for me but she rocks it. You there, Caleb?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “So, she and I talked a while the next morning. I kinda let it slip that you seemed to be doing better and were seeing other people and—”

  “What the fuck did you say that for?”

  “Gimme a break, Caleb. I was still a little drunk from the night before.”

  “Fuck.”

  “She just seemed really torn up when I told her you’d had such a hard time after you two split. I wanted to reassure her that you still weren’t a basket case.”

  “Jesus, I’m glad I never really confide in you. What are you, a goddamn washwoman? Did Caitlin tell you anything about Rene? I bet she didn’t spout like a geyser.”

  “No, she didn’t say anything except that she thinks you two are right for each other.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Listen, Caleb, she didn’t bawl when I told her you were seeing other people. I wouldn’t say she looked relieved either, though. Maybe it’s good she knows. Inspire her to make a move.”

  “Nah, you don’t know her.”

  “I’m sorry if you think I messed anything up, Caleb. Wasn’t my intention.”

  “I know.”

  “Am I still getting you at the airport tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, a ride is the least you could do to make this up to me.”

  He laughed. “You still love me, admit it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Holy crap. Seeing other people? Why would he tell her that? I felt like calling her and telling her that I was still waiting, just waiting, for her.

  The day after I got back I did something stupid and desperate. I took the train uptown after work. The chances of me seeing her were one in a million but as crappy luck would have it, I did. She was walking out of the studio with some guy. They were laughing; looked like they were enjoying one another’s company. They were walking across the street, making their way into a restaurant. He held the door open for her and then she went inside and was out of sight.

  Why did I do this? I felt desperate to catch a glimpse of her but now that I had, I felt destroyed. I turned and walked back down the subway stairs, feeling like I was walking into the depths of hell again.

  Rene looked happy and I got the impression she had most definitely moved on. It was time for me to do the same. I decided I wasn’t looking for a wife; I just wanted to go back to how life was before Rene. If I couldn’t go back to life with her then I’d take life before her as a far, distant second.

  Chapter Eight

  Rene

  I was there one day earlier than everyone else. I’d driven back up with my summer roommates and had about an hour before I was due at the restaurant. I was even excited to go into work and see everyone.

  I gave myself two weeks before I was due to report back to the television station just so that I wasn’t totally overwhelmed with classes starting and all. It was a good move too, as there were a lot of parties kicking off senior year and, for the first time in a while, I felt like celebrating. I was graduating this year and had a job lined up. It was a rare moment when I patted myself on the back. This was a long road I’d been on; very bumpy at times but I knew, despite the many things I regularly beat myself up for, I also had a lot to be proud of.

  I was grateful to be back making the amount of tips I did at the restaurant. Even though my internship was paid, it was nominal. I had to dip into my savings to pull off paying rent and to give myself a clothing allowance for this summer. It was time to start socking money away again.

  I slept in the next morning only to be woken up by Caitlin and Beth, who came bounding into my room. I was so happy to see them. Everyone else had their family at home. Whether these girls knew it or not, they were my family, my home. When Jenna arrived she told us the guys were already getting kegs set up by the field. All of the rugby guys and their friends were there already when we arrived. I saw Nick on the field with Tom, Chris and Mac. I knew Jenna was texting Darcy to get down here as soon as she got in. Today would be interesting. I really hoped Nick didn’t pull anything for her sake and for mine. If he did, would I have to call Caleb to intervene? That would be awkward as hell.

  Caleb. He was never far from my thoughts. Ever since that conversation with Mick I was sick at the thought of him holding hands, kissing, loving someone else. And I’m sure he was. He would have beautiful women at work and in all of his social circles making a play for him. I’m sure I was becoming a distant memory to him. I, on the other hand, was not even close to being ready to move on. I knew that dinner with Matt was not going to amount to anything. It did raise my opinion of him but that was it. And at the keg party I had guys approaching me, mostly to comment on the hair but some to flirt. I loved hanging out with these boys but I just didn’t want anything beyond friendship with any of them.

  Thankfully, Nick had his tongue down his odd little girlfriend’s throat most of the afternoon. I noticed he had an edge to him and was stealing glances at Darcy occasionally but he was staying away from her. As long as he stayed away we wer
e all good.

  Caitlin said quietly, “I wonder if Caleb ever mentioned anything to Darcy.”

  “No, definitely not.”

  “How do you think she’d react?”

  “I don’t know. Darcy’s pretty easy going but with the way things have turned out, I think she would be upset with me. No one wants to see someone they love hurting, you know?”

  “Yeah. I wonder what Mick, boy wonder, is up to.”

  “Probably fantasizing about you.”

  “Ha! Out of sight, out of mind. Anyway, I’m thinking that Tom Farrell is looking especially tasty…just my type.”

  “You mean the easy, no strings attached type?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I’d look elsewhere. He’s been gazing lovingly at Darcy all afternoon.”

  “Oh crap. Can you imagine the Nick drama that could inspire?”

  “Don’t even think it.”

  The school year was soon in full swing. I was finally enjoying a lighter course load this semester. I was still waitressing and doing two days at the station but compared to years past, this was a cakewalk. I had more time to just hang out and relax talking to the girls.

  Darcy was a big runner and sometimes I’d tag along with her. She would take it easy on me when we went together, cutting her distance and speed. She would talk while we ran and she understood I was quiet and just listening because my stamina wasn’t equal to hers. She was in the early stages of a relationship with our friend, Tom. I was totally happy for her. After everything she’d endured with Nick, I was so glad she was seeing someone like Tom. Yes, he had a reputation in the past for hooking up with way too many girls but he seemed reformed and was obviously totally into Darcy. As I labored for breath she would go on and on about him. It was cute. One day, though, Darcy started talking about Caleb. Darcy started asking me about my summer in New York but, as I could scarcely speak an answer, she just went off on a tangent saying that she was surprised when her parents told her that Caleb hardly left the city this summer.

  “I worry about him. He just didn’t seem like himself when we were in Greece. I pressed Kate and she said that Caleb was seeing someone special and when it didn’t work out he was really down. I know he’s seeing someone new from work now but I don’t think it’s any kind of true love. I also think he hooks up with some chick in Puerto Rico. He just goes from one woman to another. It’s not good for him.”

  I was dying inside but used every bit of oxygen in my lungs to sputter, “He’s a really nice guy, Darcy. It will work out for him.”

  She went on, “What about you, Rene? Are you still sad over Ray? I want you to find someone. There are so many guys that are dying to go out with you. Chris worships the ground you walk on. Mac told me twice he thought your hair was hot. Come on, what are you waiting for?”

  I cried in the shower when we got back home. I stayed in there so long my skin was totally pruned when I got out.

  That week Caitlin informed me that Darcy was fixing on making me her matchmaking project. Ugh. We were all planning to spend Saturday shopping and then we were hitting parties in the Village, where all the senior housing was. It was just us girls together; the boyfriends, Tom, Marcus and Dan, were not going to be around.

  I felt like a Barbie doll that evening. I had one doing my make-up, one doing my hair—which had growing into a cute, chin length bob by then—and one arranging my outfit. Even I had to admire myself after they’d finished with me. And although Caleb was still front and center in my mind, hearing for the second time that he was seeing other people made me feel a little foolish.

  The next morning I woke up on the couch curled up in Tanner’s arms. His arms felt so good around me. I was so lonely. Lonely for Caleb but he wasn’t here. And, I rationalized, Tanner was a really nice guy. He was easy to talk to, funny and considerate. He didn’t try to go too far with me. I liked that. When he walked me home he kissed me again. It wasn’t awful. It was nice. Liking the kiss made me feel good and bad at the same time. When I came in and Darcy was on the couch looking at me expectantly, I shifted my expression from confused to one meant to express happiness. And it’s not that I was unhappy, I was just…confused.

  Caleb

  Cherry here and there. Elena the two times I was down in Rincon. Lauren again when I went up to Drew and Chloe’s. Yes, my life was back to the pre-Rene days. No attachment, no commitment, and I was fucking miserable.

  Hooking up with Cherry was totally selfish on my part. I justified it by telling myself that she was the one who suggested it. She had just broken it off with her latest boyfriend and said it would be a harmless way for us to both move on. That was horseshit. She was into me and I was not into her. Again, she was beautiful, smart and full of life. She just wasn’t Rene. But I didn’t end it. I even changed our arrangement out of loneliness. We grabbed dinner together after work sometimes, we caught a concert here and there, and she came by my rugby games occasionally. I was pretty certain she was exclusive with me but I was not with her. I was always respectful of her wishes. I was always kind to her. Truly, though, I didn’t have her best interests at heart because I was using her.

  The only way I heard anything about Rene was through Darcy. When Darcy was home for the long Thanksgiving weekend she mostly gushed over her new boyfriend, Tom. I had to admit, I did like the guy. I liked him for Darcy. And he was a good addition to our team. Darcy’s scouting report was on target, the boy could play rugby.

  Here and there I tried to casually throw in some questions to get some info on Rene. And when I asked what all her roommates were up to during the break, I got more than I was prepared to hear. First I had to listen to her yammer on about Beth and Jenna. Then I heard all about Caitlin’s trip to see her crazy aunt in Dallas. Then finally she told me about Rene and her great new boyfriend, Tanner. And it must be serious if she’s spending the whole weekend with his family, right?

  That, as they say, was that.

  The rest of the weekend was a blur. I drank way too much with dinner on Thanksgiving. Luke told me I was getting loud and obnoxious. At least he knew the reason why. I went out Friday afternoon with a group of my old high school friends and thankfully, passed out early so that I wasn’t a total disaster for the tournament Saturday morning. Saturday night I tried to be well behaved for Darcy’s sake; she didn’t deserve for her big brother to be acting like a complete ass in front of her new boyfriend. But I was desperately in need of comfort and the level of physical affection between me and Cherry at the rugby party was, I’m sure, totally out of control. I think at one point I was mauling her in a corner.

  I felt like I was in free fall again.

  Rene

  “I can’t go home with you, Tanner. Thank you for asking me but I’m going to stay here and work.”

  “Rene, Caitlin’s going to be with her aunt, Darcy is staying with Tom part of the weekend, Dan is going to Jenna’s and Beth has her flight already. I won’t be able to enjoy myself knowing you’re here alone. I am begging you.”

  I didn’t want to go home with him. It felt too intimate; something you would do when you knew, you just knew, you really wanted to be with the other person. Don’t get me wrong, Tanner was wonderful. Better than great. The whole idea of going home with him, though, made me uneasy and besides, I didn’t want to be asked somewhere because he knew I had nowhere else to go. It made me feel pathetic.

  Sadly, I thought that deep down, I would always be Caleb’s. I wanted to be Caleb’s and only his. I just was not ready for this.

  “Caitlin. I don’t want to do this.”

  “I know why you don’t want to, Rene. Are you going to reach out to Caleb then?”

  I shook my head. “Then move on, Rene. Give this a chance, ok? Tanner is crazy about you. Let yourself enjoy it. It doesn’t mean you’re marrying him.”

  It started out fine. His parents were sweet and his sisters were also. Tanner was the only son with three older sisters. Two were married and one was only fifteen months older
than Tanner. They were all funny, very friendly and made me feel at home. I shared a room with his sister, Anne, the one closest to Tanner’s age. She and I talked each night before nodding off. She was working on her master’s degree in social work. I liked her. You could tell she was very close to Tanner and was fishing around to see how serious we were. I was ok with that. I liked the idea of protective siblings.

  Thanksgiving Day I met various aunts and uncles. There was lots of extended family, younger kids were running all around the yard; it was all very Norman Rockwell-ish. Tanner had one cousin who looked to be about seventeen and she had a baby girl. The familiar pang of sadness came and went; it didn’t sting as badly anymore. When Tanner’s mom saw me looking at the baby wistfully, she approached. “You look like you love babies, dear. My niece, Miranda, although I feel she is far too young, well…I think she made a brave decision to keep her child. So many girls today are reckless and then say, ‘I’ll just get an abortion.’ They act like it’s nothing. It’s just terrible. Real courage, that’s what it takes.”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  I said it to be fresh but she took it as if I was being agreeable and respectful. Which was absolutely for the best; I wasn’t up for debating the issue with anyone, let alone Tanner’s mom. And, fact was, I totally agreed with her. It took courage that I did not have.

  Keeping secrets, I’d decided, just sucks.

  I mean, it wasn’t Tanner spouting this, it was his mom, but it did make me feel an even greater distance towards him. Can’t really explain why. Maybe knowing that if his mother knew everything there was to know about me, she wouldn’t approve—wouldn’t think I was worthy of her son. I don’t know. And maybe if Tanner knew, he wouldn’t want me anymore. If we did get more serious, would I keep it a secret?

  At that moment I had to fight the urge to run out of there as fast as I could. I had to endure two more days of family fun after that.

  “Caitlin, I don’t care if you’re going to see your aunt’s dead armadillo for Christmas break, you can’t make me go back there.”