Randa

by Burkhart, Nicole

  Being sweethearts and playing all of the parts, while taking it off of the charts

  Being partners in crime and doing our time

  Being lovers naked under the velveteen covers

  Being soul mates and having oh-so hot dates while living our stellar fates

  Being playmates because no hearts wait as all enter the gates where true love finally awaits

  I’m one cool woman in love with you

  Oh, how you’ve changed my life, destroying all strife

  We giggle, we laugh, and we play, brushing our cares away

  Our Happily Ever After is totally full of laughter

  Loving deeply until the end of days, our everlasting love will never cease to amaze

  Randa’s phone was ringing the next morning. After hanging up, she looked over at John and smiled. “It seems that after last night’s show, our One Cool Woman video is more popular than ever. We have been asked to be guests on the television talk show, Country News here in Nashville.

  John smiled back at her. “Okay,” he agreed.

  Sitting with the host later that day, the couple happily answered her questions. Then came, “I don’t see Randa wearing an engagement ring. Do you care to share your future plans with us regarding the two of you John?”

  John felt his body temperature soar and his blood pressure rise. He thought that he was going to be ill. He could not believe that someone would ask such a question.

  Randa spoke up, “That’s private.”

  John sighed in relief and the show ended.

  Once alone in the car, John said, “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” came her reply.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  John quietly slipped out from under the covers and walked through the house making his way to the back patio. He stepped outside. It was 3:00 a.m. and John couldn’t sleep. He knew the reason for his insomnia. It was time to figure out how to end his and Randa’s relationship. They had grown so close. She had snuck into his heart and showed him what it was like to be truly loved and deeply cared for. When they were together, he felt as if they were melded into one. Randa always said that when they were together it was as if their love was a huge, brilliant ball of pulsating energy that both of them were immersed in. It was true. They brought out the very best in each other and they had the very best time while they did.

  John sensed that Randa might be expecting him to propose marriage. She hadn’t said anything specifically. There were just tidbits of hints occasionally sprinkled in their conversations. The words, “will you marry me?” had inadvertently popped into his head more than once. He didn’t know how he was able to keep them from coming out of his mouth. At times, John wanted to shout them, from mountaintops, from rooftops, and to the heavens in the skies. The stronger their love grew, the weaker his resolve got. It would only get harder if he kept procrastinating.

  John needed to decide what he was going to say to her. He knew what a special lady Randa was. Their relationship was a whirlwind of fun and excitement, sharing and goodness from the very beginning. She was the most precious person that he had ever known. Their relationship grew from a mere morsel of attraction and it blossomed into a perfect love. He just couldn’t imagine being without her, living without her, but he was gripped so tightly by the fear of failing at love. He knew that fear was just a thought, but his mom and dad’s failure was an actual occurrence and it still raged on in his mind. Buck and Claire’s marriage started out wonderfully with both of them thinking that they would be together for eternity, but they weren’t. John simply couldn’t bear the thought of marrying Randa and the marriage not working out. Getting a divorce and losing her would kill him. He just couldn’t bring himself to take the chance. Even though he knew that he wouldn’t do anything wrong to hurt them, he could only control his actions and not hers.

  He knew of no way to break it to Randa. It would crush her and he knew that, just as it would crush him. Randa was a very strong, resilient woman who had the world at her feet. John knew that wasn’t what she cared about or even wanted, but at least it would be there for her to fall back on. How would he cope? Just like his father did. Throw himself into his work and trot her memory out only occasionally when his heart pleaded for mercy from loneliness and it desperately needed pacifying.

  Randa would want to know why he was breaking up with her. He could never admit his fear or rather, terror, to her. She was such a positive and optimistic person that she would never understand why he couldn’t just ignore or overcome the fear. His parent’s break-up had been all the experience he needed. He would never forget how his father’s words seethed with bitterness after his mother’s betrayal. Those stinging words were embedded in his mind. Seeing his father hurt like that was almost unbearable. If it hadn’t been for his businesses, there’s no doubt that Buck’s life would have been destroyed, but he was easily able to bury himself even further into his enterprises. John would simply have to give Randa some excuse. It was the absolute right thing to do. He owed her that. And yet he owed her so much more. How can fear, of not only failure, but also any kind of fear, grow so gargantuan in a person’s mind? John asked himself. He wasn’t sure, but it was reducing him to a weakling and pretty much crippling him when it came to this one aspect of his life. He had never felt fearful of anything else in his entire life, whether it be traveling north on Dalton Highway going to the North Slope which could be quite menacing or even in Prudhoe Bay working with heavy and dangerous machinery that could injure, maim, or even be fatal to someone if a mistake was made in operating it. If only he could trust in Randa’s love and care, but he couldn’t. His dad had trusted in his Mom and look what happened to him. Oh well, John told himself resigned to the fact that there was nothing he could do to change things. He decided to break it to Randa that evening after dinner. They had reservations at Per Se. Early the next morning he would board a flight bound for Anchorage.

  Locking the back door and making his way back to bed. John snuggled with Randa as she slept. He was swept away in her loveliness. Attempting to figure out the right words, he closed his eyes trying to imagine the scene in his mind. He would take her hand for one last time pausing for a moment to feel the warmth and goodness that flowed from her skin onto his and then begin, “See here’s the thing Baby Doll, you are the most wonderful and amazing person that God could have created. You have filled my life with so much…” He couldn’t think of the right word other than love. And yet, for some reason, he didn’t want to use the word ‘love.’ He didn’t want to sully it with the content of this conversation. Continuing, he said, “I just don’t think that I’m cut-out or meant to be with someone.” He could already see the incredulous look scattering across her beautiful face, distorting it into a look of sheer disbelief and confusion. That excuse sounded so ridiculous anyway. He wasn’t a very good liar, but he couldn’t think of anything better to say. Actually, it wasn’t really a lie. As long as fear ruled his heart, he wasn’t in any shape to be a partner in a committed relationship. Even if they didn’t get married, he would still be vulnerable to failure. Besides, John was old fashioned as far as believing in marriage. He felt that it was disrespectful for men to be in a long-term relationship and not be willing to formally commit if the female wanted to. But none of it was in the cards for him anyway. He had been dealt his hand.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  John felt the cold, wet sweat run down his neck and onto his back. A sick feeling turned his stomach and assaulted his senses. He just didn’t have the courage to look Randa in the eyes and say good-bye. He picked up his phone with the intention of calling her and cancelling their dinner plans. Then he would figure out what to do. Changing his mind, he dialed Pete’s number instead. The pilot of the company plane answered immediately.

  “How long until we can be ready to fly to Anchorage?” John asked him.

  “Actually I just landed about an hour ago in anticipation of our flight tomorrow. The plane is being refueled and checked
now. I believe that they are close to being finished, so we can leave within an hour,” Pete replied.

  Breathing a sigh of relief, John replied, “Great, I am just about to leave the ranch, so it will be about two hours before I reach the airport. Then I will be ready to leave immediately.”

  “Okay, I’ll be ready to go and waiting”

  John was supposed to pick Randa up for dinner in two hours, but he would be on his way to Anchorage. He opened the door to his bedroom closet. His suitcases were already packed. He picked them up and walked into the kitchen. Jotting down a note for Fox, John simply said that he was going to the airport to catch a flight for the North Slope. He also left instructions for Fox to pick up his truck from airport parking and to drive it back to the ranch in the next day or two. Next to those notes, he left a sealed envelope. That was all that he could do.

  On the long drive to the airport, thoughts of Randa crowded John’s mind. When he reached the exit for the highway that could take him to Randa’s house, he slowed his truck down and pulled over to the side of the road. He wanted to take the exit, drive straight to her house, and take her into his arms when she opened the front door. He got lost in the thoughts of what it would feel like with her head lying on his chest and the fragrant smell of her soft hair as he held her tight. She always made a game of listening to his heart when she was against him. John was jarred back into reality when his cell phone rang. It was Randa calling. Turning it to silent, he turned his radio on and turned the volume up high. 38 Special’s “Chain Lightning” came booming through the speakers.

  That was just it. John didn’t know that the satisfaction would be greater than the risk, so he put the truck into drive and took off as the tires spun madly and threw gravel. Cruising down the road, the song lyrics roared through his mind.

  John knew that he had to stop thinking about her, no matter what it took. He arrived at the airport safely and boarded the plane. Pete greeted him warmly.

  “John, do you want me to fly you to Prudhoe Bay shortly after we stop in Anchorage, or do you want to keep your original flight?” Pete asked.

  “Let’s keep the original itinerary. I am going to stop and visit Dad while I have the chance,” John replied. “And I need to take care of some personal business while I am there.”

  “Yes sir,” Pete replied.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Randa was looking so forward to having dinner with John, but then again, she was always thrilled about anything that she got to do with him. Lately, she couldn’t help but secretly think that he might ask her to marry him. He had been acting a little strange for the past couple of days and she hoped that was the reason why. She harbored no doubts about her feelings for him. She loved John! She loved him more than she ever dreamed of loving anyone.

  Soaking in the bathtub, Randa was thinking about how John had made it hard for her to decide whether it was better to be thoroughly and truly loved by someone or to love someone truly and thoroughly. Randa knew that both choices were definitely astounding and she was grateful that she might not ever be able to decide. Sometimes she daydreamed about being married to John and the kind of life they would have. She loved the idea of having children and she knew that John would be a wonderful father and husband. She hoped that Buck would sell his businesses on the North Slope, so John would be home all of the time, but if he didn’t, Randa knew that she could contend with John’s absences. She hadn’t had a single ounce of desire for any other man since the day she met him. Plus, their love was so phenomenal and their relationship was healthy, gratifying, and it fed their souls.

  Randa heard her phone ring and she hoped that it was John. She had called him before she started her bath, but he didn’t answer. Feeling totally relaxed, Randa got out of the tub and draped a towel around her body. She checked her phone and saw that it was Taylor who had called. There was also a text message from her.

  It said, “Hi, are you at home?”

  She typed back, “Yes. John will be here shortly to pick me up for dinner though.”

  Taylor replied, “I am in town. Do you mind if I stop by?”

  Puzzled at what the visit by Taylor might mean, Randa texted ‘no’ and proceeded to get dressed. She tried to call John to confirm their plans, but he still didn’t answer. Hmmm…. she thought to herself, but she refused to worry. Finally, Randa was thrilled to hear the doorbell. She almost ran to it. He was late, but she didn’t care. Flinging the door open, ready to throw her arms around him, Randa was disappointed when it wasn’t John. It was Taylor and she saw the look of disappointment creep across her friend’s face.

  “Oh my goodness,” Taylor said, “you thought I was John.”

  Randa laughed. “Yes, I did, but it is wonderful to see you,” she said giving Taylor a hug.

  Taylor said, “thank you” as she made her way to the sofa. Randa followed her wondering what the matter was with her usually bubbly friend. Taylor sat down and Randa sat down on the loveseat across from her.

  “What’s wrong Taylor?” Randa asked.

  “I’m not quite sure myself,” Taylor said as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small blue envelope that had ‘RANDA’ neatly written on the front of it. Handing it to her, Taylor had a vacant look on her face. Randa recognized John’s handwriting. Turning it over, she found an opening in the seal and slid her finger under it carefully. Running her finger down and back up the other side, the flap flew up when she reached the end. Randa just couldn’t imagine what was going on. She saw a note inside and removed it from the envelope. Opening it, she read the words, but couldn’t believe them. Reading the note over and over, she just sat there stunned. Finally, Taylor asked her what it said. Randa had a huge lump in her throat, so she handed the paper to her. Taylor read,

  Randa,

  I just don’t think that I’m cutout or meant to be with someone. I am so sorry Baby Doll. Please forgive me. I will love you forever.

  John

  “I don’t understand,” were all of the words that Randa could choke out.

  “John went back to the North Slope today,” Taylor told her.

  “What are you talking about?” Randa implored. “He wasn’t supposed to leave until tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Fox called me. John left your note and a note for him on the kitchen counter. His note just said that he was going back to the North Slope and Fox confirmed that John is aboard the company plane and that it’s on its way to Anchorage. I went out to the ranch and picked up this note for you.”

  “I don’t understand,” Randa cried once again. She had tears in her eyes that were on the verge of spilling down her face in desperate despair.

  “I asked Fox if he knew what was going on, but John didn’t say anything to him.”

  “I’m going to call John.” Randa rose and picked up her phone and pressed the button under his name and picture. It began to ring. Randa’s heart was beating so hard. She thought that it would jump out of her chest. It continued ringing, but there was no answer, only the opportunity for her to leave a voicemail. Randa hung up.

  Taylor stood up and walked over to her friend, hugging her. “I’m so sorry Randa.” Randa burst into tears and Taylor just held her. Her body shook, racked with the pain of her tender heart breaking and so many dreams being crushed, as she sobbed uncontrollably.

  Taylor stayed the night at Randa’s home and the next morning she fixed a nice pancake breakfast for them, thinking that some comfort food would help Randa when nothing else would.

  The smell of pepper bacon sizzling on the stove reached Randa’s room and prompted her to get out of bed. She hadn’t slept in hours and she was tired of lying there. She trudged into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast bar. Taylor handed her an ice-cold glass of orange juice and gave her a hug. “How are you doing?” she asked.

  Randa tried to gather enough good feeling to smile, but it just wasn’t there. She felt the tears well up in her eyes. She just couldn’t help it.

  Taylor threw a
n arm around her. “Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. You’ll see.” Taylor had no idea how she would pull that off. She couldn’t stand seeing her best friend hurt and she wanted to make it go away. She had talked with Fox earlier, but he had nothing new to offer about John and a possible reason behind his actions. Taylor sat a plate of pancakes and a couple of slices of bacon before Randa.

  “Thank you,” Randa said gratefully since her tummy was empty. “I haven’t eaten in almost 24 hours.”

  “Do you know what?” Randa asked.

  “What?”

  “I didn’t even know what pepper bacon was until I met John.”

  Taylor looked at her with a puzzled look and then let out a little laugh since she had been expecting a grievous statement from Randa.

  A slight smile emerged on Randa’s face. “I really appreciate you being here for me.”

  “Of course, you’ve done the same for me. Remember when we were 17 and Mike broke up with me? You listened to me cry and go on and on about him for weeks.”

  Randa smiled at the memory and then took a deep breath. “Taylor, I just don’t understand what John meant when he said that he wasn’t meant to be with someone. I’ve never met a man who was more capable of loving someone than him. He is one of the most loyal and committed people that I know. I’ve never had to worry for one moment that he would cheat on me or hurt me in any way.”

  “He most definitely only had eyes for you. That was apparent to everyone who came in contact with you two,” Taylor told her.

  “So, it couldn’t have been that he was interested in seeing someone else.”

  “I would think not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. I thought that you guys would be happily together forever.”

  “I did too,” Randa responded. “I have replayed just about every moment that he and I spent together looking for some clue that there was a problem or a disagreement or anything, but I found nothing. The closest thing that I could come up with was our teasing each other when we had a difference of opinion, but it was never unkind. We would just laugh. So, I have to wonder if there was something that I did and maybe John just made up that excuse, so that he wouldn’t hurt my feelings.”