A LIL' LESS BROKEN

by Tara Oakes

  "Well that sounds promising. Your brother's about to eat my food, I gotta go babe. Text me when you get home, kay?" We both stood quiet, not sure what we were waiting for the other to say.

  Wanting to end the awkward silence, I whispered "I will. You be safe" before ending the call. I brought up a picture of Jay on my phone and held it close to my heart as I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep, searching for a piece of him in my memories.

  THEN

  The cool night air brushing past me quickened as Jay squeezed on the accelerator. I had grown comfortable on the back of his bike by now, but when he sped up I instinctively held tighter to him. The sun was hanging low in the sky, adding a purple haze backdrop to the landscape around us. I remember as a child when my dad would take off on his bike to 'clear his head' thinking it just another excuse to bolt for a while. I had never truly grasped the calming effect that a long ride can have on a person.

  The fresh air entering my lungs was cleansing me. The speed we were gaining underneath us was exhilarating. The crispness around us sends a little chill through me. If not for my little fitted jacket I would be freezing, but the English leather was keeping the whipping wind from my skin.

  Jay had given me the jacket a few nights before, on my eighteenth birthday. Butch had made him promise not to offer me his rag until I was finished with school... and that meant college, too. Jay had made the best of his options and given me that jacket instead. It looked innocent enough, with its smooth grain and fitted seams. My name was embroidered on the wrist in script. However, hidden on the inside below the neckline were a few more words embroidered into the lining where most eyes would never fall. JAY'S LIL ONE.

  I felt so proud to wear his jacket, my man's jacket. Even if it was to remain unspoken to everyone else. I rested my cheek onto Jay's shoulder and breathed in his scent. The leather of his cut was so familiar to me now. I wiggled my way up a few small inches to be as close as I possibly could, pressing myself into him. Jay moved one of his hands and rested it on my outer thigh, squeezing firmly while expertly steering our course with the other.

  The steady vibrations coming from the motor lulled me into a dreamlike state, completely content. I had been Jay's girl now for a little over a year and this man had everything . When we were close like this, I could just block out the rest of the world and pretend that we were the only two people that mattered. Jay slowed the bike gradually as we turned off the main road and onto a gravel side street.

  I raised my chin slightly under his ear, "Is this it?"

  Jay had found some secret little place on one of his last runs for the M.C., andI had been looking forward to this night all week. He had promised that it would take my breath away and with each passing night I grew more anxious. I was just wrapping up my senior year of high school and things were stressful to say the least. My mom had made it very clear that she didn't have much to give me in the way of financial help for college next fall. Pops had gotten into some pretty involved battery and assault charges a couple months back and had been away serving some time. I didn't have the heart to take a dime from him, knowing that he was going to need everything he had to pay his fines and support his household while he was away. Tiny had just bought his house across town and was doing extra runs with the M.C. to make ends meet.

  Jay had told me not to worry about tuition. He had offered to pay the entire thing and was actually pretty pissed off when I refused. It had caused our first big blow up fight. No way could I let him or the club pay for school. I wasn't naive... I knew that almost everything Tiny and I had growing up from the roof over our heads to the clothes on our back came indirectly from the club. Dad wasn't the most ambitious person.. he fell short more times than not when it came to child support and financial obligations. I had taken enough charity growing up that I felt the need to draw a line when it came to college.

  That's why I had been ecstatic when I received notification that I had been selected to receive a full ride scholarship to any state school I chose, from an association that provided merit based tuition assistance to children of veterans who served during operation Desert Storm. Dad had inadvertently come through for me. Not only did it make the difference of whether or not I would be going to college, but it also gave me a legitimate reason not to take Jay's money. He did however insist that if I wasn't going to let him pay for tuition, than at least he was going to pay my living expenses while I was in school so that I wouldn't have to bust my ass working part time and then trying to find the time to study on top of spending time with him. My living expenses were pretty low and Jay already paid for most of them so I didn't see the harm in agreeing. I babysat most of the kids of the club members pretty regularly and that added enough money in my pocket where I wouldn't have to ask Jay for much.

  We pulled the bike up into a clearing and parked it under a large overgrown tree. I got off first, setting my riding boots down on the sandy ground while Jay killed the engine and followed. Leaving our helmets on the bike, he pulled me close and kissed me tenderly before grabbing my hand and leading me down a path. "Come on, there's just enough light left to really take it all in."

  The path was winding but well worn climbing up into a large hillside. This secret little place of his was obviously know by more than a few others. When we reached the top, I was only slightly out of breath but still managed to gasp at the view in front of us.

  We were high up top of a large platform-like cliff overlooking a valley. I know it couldn't be Chisholm that we were seeing, having driven more than an hour to get here, but whatever town this was that we were peering over was picturesquely breathtaking. The tiny little homes were methodically mapped out around the curving streets. The water tower and church steeple raised high, as if protecting this private little sanctuary.

  Jay stood behind me, and I leaned back into him, resting my body against his. He wrapped his arms around me tightly nuzzling the top of my head. I whispered my awe "It's beautiful. It's like a perfect little picture."

  "Mmmm... It is. But wait a few minutes. It gets better." To most, his voice would sound normal but I had learned to read the subtly behind it during the course of our time together. I could tell when he was nervous, mad, aroused and plain old pissed of at me... plenty of practice on that last one. Tonight, his voice sounded like a well veiled open nerve. It's not something I had gotten to experience often but it was usually pretty serious when I did.

  Moments passed slowly as he held me, tight and secure enough where I felt completely safe and protected. It was also tight enough against him so that I felt the growing mass between his legs.

  The sky darkened around us to a maroon covering, and in an instant all of the lights in the town lit. It was amazing! The streets were mapped out in little yellow dots navigating their way around this little piece of Americana. The sun began to set slowly at first, inching it's way down the horizon before being swallowed by unseen forces below the tree line. I hitched my breathing in awe at the divine scene taking place.

  "I love you."

  I turned quickly to face Jay, and stare at the beautiful mouth speaking these words to me. "I love you Lil's. I know you know it, but I need to say it to you. I need you to hear it, to feel it, to see me saying it to you."

  I tried to swallow but my throat failed me. My mouth was drying, my heart racing. Jay had made me feel special, wanted, cared for. He even made me feel loved, but in all these months he had never said the words. He had alluded to it, beating around the bush but never told me straight out how he felt.

  He held his hands up to my head, cupping it in between, eyes searching over mine. "Lils.."

  "I.. I love you too."

  He smiled, caressing my cheek with his thumb, lowering his lips to mine, gently imploring my lips to respond. His kiss deepened and took hold of me. I felt like I was being lifted high, flying above this sleepy little town climbing to heaven. I needed this man, wanted him for myself, in this moment and always. An urgency grew between us and a passionate fr
enzy took hold. He guided me blindly to a tree and pressed me against it, as I moaned out to him.

  He paused, grasping for words. "I need you baby... I can't wait anymore"

  I gulped hard. I knew this was going to happen eventually. Jay had been as patient and understanding as he could manage with me, teaching me and sharing things with me.. but I hadn't been able to give myself completely to him yet. I had been scared, afraid that I wouldn't measure up to the many before me. Hearing him say what he just said to me though, I knew I was ready to be with him in every sense of the word. I had been smart about what I knew was going to happen sooner or later. I had gotten myself down to the women's clinic and started birth control a few months back. I knew I didn't want Jay and I to end up like my mom and pop, unexpected young parents forced to stick it out for the sake of the kids as long as we could. I wanted better for us, for our love story to have a happy ending.

  I pulled off his leather cut and tossed it gently to the side. "I need you more"

  We started pulling frantically at each other’s clothes in between deep mind crushing kisses and deliberate touching. I began to fumble with Jay's belt as he balanced his weight on his arms pinning me to the tree. "You sure Lil's?.. I mean you sure you’re ready?"

  I pulled his jeans down and buried my mouth in the crook of his neck kissing and licking a trail to his panting mouth. "Make love to me..please".

  In one quick move he hoisted me up guiding my legs to grab on, circling around his hips. He began kneading at my breasts, milking them with his mouth. I arched my back against the warm bark waiting for him when the moment was shattered.

  Jay pulled his head back and stared, shocked as we listened to the phone ringing from the pile of clothes on the ground. It was pain in his eyes as he wrestled with the decision. "FUCK.. Baby I'm sorry. It could be important."

  He gently placed me down and reached over searching for his phone, glancing at me apologetically. Finding his cell he quickly placed it up to his ear, "Yeah, man this better be fucking good.."

  I felt exposed out here in the wild, and covered myself with my tank top, waiting. Jay's eyes widened. "Shit. Where?... OK... anybody else?... Where is he now?... She's here with me.. I'll bring her there."

  Jay slammed the phone into his pocket and called out to me. "Get dressed.. We got to head back." I stood still, not sure of what just happened. Had I done something wrong, had he changed his mind? I began to tremble, tears starting to well behind my eyes. Jay finished dressing came over to me holding my shoulders "Baby.. I need you to listen to me now, OK. Something's happened. We need to get back, get to the hospital. Tiny's been shot."

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  NOW

  Sunny and I blasted the music booming from the docking station as we pranced around the bedroom, shimmying into our shoes and putting the final touches on our outfits. She had gotten a bit of a head start on my hair makeover, and I couldn't stop glancing at my reflection in the full length mirror, impressed with my new look. My lack of hair savvy aside, Sunny was gracious enough to at least let me select my own clothes. I didn't have much to choose from with almost all of my things being packed, but was impressed with what I was able to pull together.

  My black leggings hugged me in just the right way, adding a bit more curve where I needed and lifted my butt enough for it to stand to attention. I wrapped myself in a purple sheer chiffon camisole and paired it with a pair of stacked ankle booties. It was a bit racy, sure but I looked like a freakin’ nun compared to Sunny’s micro mini dress and stripper heels. I had heard once or twice that one of the benefits to having breast implants was that you didn't need to wear a bra. I wasn't necessarily sure that I believed it but Sunny was sure putting the theory to the test. Tiny had bought them for her as a birthday present.

  Blue and T.J. were waiting for us in the kitchen area, sipping on a couple of beers prepping for our night out. I'm sure it would be considered tame compared to some of the club parties but I had no doubt they would hold their own. They were both freshly showered and trimmed, with just a touch of cologne. The local college girls would be dropping their panties at just the sight of them in their bad boy leather.

  "It's about damn time....you girls tryin' to starve us over here?"

  I stomped my foot and made mock gorilla arms. "I am big strong man... feed me now." I taunted Blue with a lively audience egging me on. "Come on" I hooked my elbow through his and led him through the front door¸ "you can be my date tonight. Well, at least until I get ditched for the first available horny undergrad, and then I'll have to nurse my broken heart with some ice cream wondering where we went wrong...."

  Blue was so much fun to tease. I knew for sure that the only way I was getting away with it was because of Jay but I could live with that, and Blue was being a good sport about it. He did however draw the line at having me chauffeur us all downtown. Apparently it was very unmanly to be driven around by a chick.

  We parked on a side street and headed to Rodeo Rick's a great western themed BBQ place complete with mechanical bull and line dancing. We enjoyed steaks and ribs, having more than a few laughs. Somewhere between Sunny's third and fourth beer she decided that she would ride the bull. There was no way that this could end well, but Sunny would hear none of it. She made her way over to the padded corral in the rear of the dining room, 'borrowing' some guy's cowboy hat along the way.

  It was no easy task to hike herself up astride the oversized saddle that dwarfed her tiny frame. "Lil's!.... Take my picture for my man.... I want him to know what he's missing.." She held on tight to the center saddle horn and pinned her knees to the leather.

  "I put fifty on her not lasting more than two minutes." I called out to T.J.

  He smirked. "I'll take that. You care to go double or nothing?"

  Hmmm.. A hundred bucks could more than pay my way tonight without having to touch Jay's money. "Deal. Two minutes starts now." I checked the clock on my phone, and held my breath as the cheering crowd grew. With thirty seconds to go, I was starting to grow nervous. T.J. just stood, smugly watching on as Sunny was now hooting and hollering like a cowgirl.

  Ten seconds. Five seconds. Shit. Two. One. Ugh. I hung my head low in defeat and held a crisp hundred dollar bill out. T.J. snatched it gingerly from my fingertips and leaned over to be heard above the crowd. "Let's just say that Tiny brags about his ol' lady when he drinks. I never doubted her for a minute."

  Does anybody grasp that Tiny is my BROTHER! I roll my eyes and head off to the ladies room leaving T.J. and Blue behind to cheer Sunny on. The restaurant was starting to pack in, with it nearing eight o'clock. The drink specials would be starting soon and college kids on a budget knew just how to stretch their drinking dollars. Squeezing my way through the kids, I reached the bar and flagged down a bartender. "Cranberry and club please."

  "Put that on my sugar."

  I turned to face the deep voice from behind, curious at who would be eavesdropping on my drink order. This was interesting. "Hey Gary. Long time no see." The bartender handed me my drink and nodded over to Gary, acknowledging the financial arrangement. "Thanks... but you didn't need to do that."

  "I figured it would give you a reason to have to stay and hang with me for a while." He smiled. "I mean, you've been too busy to return my texts and calls lately, who knows when I'll get to see you in the flesh again. You look fantastic by the way. Different, though."

  Gary had been a small blip on the radar a few months back. We had gone out on a few dates and he even invited me to spend Christmas with his family. He was sweet and charming but the initial spark soon faded, and he didn't seem to catch on.

  I sipped on the tiny red straw floating in my glass, and bought myself a few extra seconds before having to explain myself. "I know.. things have been so crazy for me. Barely a second to myself with so much going on." I nodded for emphasis, but I could see Gary leaning his ear in to hear my words, with the music and the voices becoming louder around us.

  "Can't hear you Julia..." He tou
ched my elbow lightly. "Let's find a quiet spot"

  I looked around for any sight of my group, but too many people were blocking my view. I nodded to Gary and let him guide me out before the ever growing crowd crushed me into bar. We settled into a corner le and I set my drink down, with Gary pulling in close.

  "So where you been, Jules?" He took a sip of his beer before placing it next to my own glass. Gary was cute, in a frat boy, Abercrombie and Fitch kind of way. He was a good person and I had had a great time with him, but didn't see the point in wasting any more of it for either one of us. He had clearly wanted more from me than I could give him. I was looking for a good time and he was there. I had tried to let him down gently and maintain some sort of friendship but he always found some way to try and make it more, becoming more and more possessive over time. Distance was the only way I could find to make myself clear.

  In another life who knows what would have happened between us, he really was a nice guy and I didn't see the need to play games with him. "I'm actually really glad I ran into you tonight. I can say goodbye in person, I'm leaving tomorrow to go home."

  "I thought you were hanging around campus for the summer? Since when do you go home for break?"

  "Not for break, Gary. For good. I'm transferring and finishing up local. There's some family stuff going on." I smiled, genuinely sad to know that I probably would never see Gary again."

  His eyes pinned on me. "What?! Why the hell would you do that?!" He held out to hold onto my arm, trying to comprehend what I was telling him, closing his fingers tight around my wrist.

  "It would be in your best interest to let go of her, asshole." My eyes shot past Gary and onto T.J., who had found us.

  I jumped to my feet, closing distance as quickly as I could to buffer the tenseness growing between the two men. "T.J,, This is Gary, a friend. I was just telling him that I'm moving home. You know, saying goodbye."