The Reluctant Duchess

by Winchester, Catherine

  I had been three weeks since Annabelle had last seen Richard and it wasn’t getting any easier. Pretending that she was all right was almost second nature now but the pain underneath her smile remained, just as strong as ever. Sometimes she thought that if only she knew that he was all right, that he was recovering, she would feel better but every time she considered going to his house to enquire after him, she talked herself out of it.

  Her problem seemed solved when, whilst eating her lunch in her office, Ethel knocked to say that Her Grace, the Dowager Duchess was here to see her.

  What little appetite Annabelle had these days fled, and she asked Ethel to take her bowl out and bring a fresh pot of tea. Her heart was fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings and her stomach felt as though it was tied in knots.

  Lavinia entered moments later and Annabelle stood and came around the desk. She wondered how Lavinia would greet her, with a kiss on the cheek again, or a slap? To her immense relief, it was the former.

  “How are you, my dear?” Lavinia asked as she pulled away.

  Annabelle felt relief wash through her that her friend wasn’t angry.

  “I’m very well, thank you.”

  “You look a little gaunt and your dress is loose, are you losing weight?”

  “Perhaps a little, I’ve been working quite hard recently.”

  “Hmm.”

  Feeling uncomfortable as Lavinia studied her, Annabelle went back around the desk and sat down, gesturing for Lavinia to do the same.

  “It doesn’t suit you,” Lavinia announced.

  Annabelle smiled tightly, keen to get the conversation away from herself. “Did you get the dress I sent back?”

  “The dress?” She looked confused for a moment, until she recalled the gown that Annabelle had worn home and returned washed and ironed, with a note of thanks. “Oh yes. You really didn’t have to return it.”

  Annabelle didn’t want to start an argument so she just smiled in reply. “And how have you been?” she asked.

  “Oh, much the same as always.”

  “And… how is Richard? Is he feeling better?” he tried to sound nonchalant, even although every fibre of her being was straining to hear the answer.

  “His condition is improving, though he has gone back to the estate to convalesce.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I told him to.”

  “But he hates it there, he feels as if he has no purpose. At least in London he can investigate different avenues.”

  “You asked him to leave you alone, Annabelle, and I knew that he wouldn’t be able to do that if he remained here, so I sent him to Hampshire.”

  “So you did this for me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  Lavinia gave her a sad smile. “Because you needed to know what losing him felt like.”

  “I…” Annabelle didn’t know what to make of that statement. “I suppose I should thank you.”

  “Yes, you should and one day you will, but not for the reason you’re thinking.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Yes you do. You love Richard. In the beginning it was just lust, I’ll grant you but now, it’s so much more. Your soul is crying out for him and it’s causing you physical pain. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can hardly do anything that doesn’t remind you of what you lost. That’s why you have lost weight. Right now though, your pride is stopping you from admitting the truth.”

  “Lavinia, I understand that you are his mother and I don’t want to say anything bad about him in front of you but-”

  “But nothing. I am under no illusions about my son. He has his flaws, numerous ones, as do we all but I also know is that he is a conscientious young man, who takes his responsibilities very seriously. I will admit that he isn’t a virgin and I know something of the pain you’re feeling, because my husband wasn’t either. It hurts to think that other women have loved them before us but you have to remember, they didn’t know that we were in their futures.”

  “It’s not just that, Lavinia. I wish it were so simple.”

  “Then you fear disease?”

  Annabelle felt incredibly uncomfortable having such a frank conversation but nonetheless, she nodded.

  “Personally I think that you are making excuses but in the interests of setting your mind at rest…” Lavinia got a box out of her reticule and slid it across the desk to Annabelle. “When James and I had an heir and five daughters, we decided that was enough. We had wanted another son but we both knew how dangerous childbirth was, and still is, so he told me what he used to use before he met me and suggested that we use it.”

  Annabelle opened the box to find an envelope, which she opened to find what looked like a flat sausage skin, threaded with ribbon at one end and sewn up at the other. She looked up in confusion.

  “They are primarily to prevent the transmission of disease, but they make an effective means of preventing conception also. I would not have been nearly so lackadaisical about Richards’s women over the years, if it hadn’t been for his father assuring me that he was being careful.”

  Annabelle didn’t know how to respond to such a remark.

  “I can also tell you that Richard had never seen more than one woman at a time, unlike some gentlemen. He is faithful to whichever relationship he is in.”

  “How can you know that?”

  “A mother always knows. Each woman has her own scent. Sometimes that’s bathing products, sometimes perfume, sometimes just the soap that the servants use on her clothes, but it is always unique. I knew when he had seen them, I knew when the relationships ended, and I knew when a new one began. Richard isn’t perfect but he is not irresponsible, he is not unfaithful and he does not play with people’s emotions.”

  “Even when he was abroad with the Army?”

  “His behaviour hasn’t changed since he has been back home, so I don’t see why it would have changed whilst he was away.”

  Now Annabelle was beginning to feel guilty. Wasn’t she supposed to be the wronged party here?

  “What do you want from me?” she asked.

  “Nothing. You are an intelligent young woman and can make your own decisions, I just wanted to make sure that you had all the facts. To that end, I must tell you the other side of the argument. If you do reject Richard, you will survive, you will likely even learn to thrive, especially given what I know of your character. Your pain will lessen a little each day and you will learn how to smile again, then eventually to laugh, but you will never feel whole again and for the rest of your life, you will always feel that something is missing.” She had tears shining in her eyes by the time she had finished and brought her handkerchief out.

  “James?” Annabelle asked.

  Lavinia nodded and dabbed at her eyes. “I have thirty years of happy memories and six beautiful children but even that isn’t enough. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and literally try to will him back into existence but it never works. You have very few happy memories to sustain you, so I can only imagine that losing Richard is much harder for you, and I don’t imagine that this is a decision that you made lightly.”

  “Perhaps I’m better off not knowing what I’m missing.”

  Lavinia smiled sadly. “You already know what you are missing. You ran to a burning building to search for him and I know that if necessary, you would have risked your life to save him. You don’t do that for people that you don’t already love deeply. You have an awful lot of love in you, Annabelle, but I don’t believe that anyone has ever given you a chance to express it. I know how deeply you care for your mother and she was a fine woman, but I met you and her once, when you were just a young girl, and I saw for myself that she was not a woman who was prone to displays of affection. I think that perhaps what you shared with Richard was new and exhilarating to you, but also frightening. The unknown is always frightening.”

  Annabelle actually felt the sting of tears in her own eyes now.

  “I said s
uch horrible things,” she breathed. “He will never forgive me.”

  “Real love can forgive an awful lot, more than you might imagine.”

  Annabelle shook her head. “I was trying to be cruel. I learned early on how to use words to wound people; I was trying to hurt him so that he would leave me alone.”

  “Annabelle, look at me for a moment.”

  Although she was hesitant, she met the older woman’s gaze.

  “Do you believe me when I tell you that Richard has never been unfaithful to the women he sees?”

  Annabelle hesitated for a moment but finally gave a small nod.

  “What proof do you have of that?” Lavinia asked.

  “None, just my judgement that you know your son, and I don’t believe that you would lie to me.”

  “Then why can’t you believe me when I tell you that he will forgive you?”

  “Because I don’t deserve it.” Annabelle’s tears overflowed then and Lavinia came around the desk and put her arms about the younger woman. To her surprise, Annabelle turned into the embrace and clung hard.

  “There, there, darling everything will be all right, I promise you.”

  Annabelle allowed herself to be held and comforted for a few minutes, before she finally pulled away from Lavinia and dried her eyes.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“

  “It is quite all right, my dear. I have cried on many a shoulder since I lost James, so it is only right that I return the favour when someone is in need.” She went back around the desk and sat down in her chair. “Now, we must talk details.”

  “Details?” Annabelle asked.

  “Yes. I don’t want Richard to return to the city just yet, the country air is so much cleaner and will do him good, which means that you and I must go to him. How long will you need to pack and organise cover for the coffee house?”

  “Leave the coffee house?” The conversation had once again taken an unexpected turn and she couldn’t help feeling that if she left the shop now, she might never return to it. “But-“

  “Honestly, my dear, do you really care if the shop burns down, as long as you reconcile with Richard?”

  “Of course I do! I put almost six years of my life into this place and when I leave, I want it to go to someone who will love it as I did!”

  “When?” Lavinia asked with a smile. “Not if?”

  Annabelle blushed as she realised that for the first time, she had spoken aloud her previous plans for the coffee house, plans that she apparently still harboured.

  “So, is tomorrow too soon or will you need more time?” Lavinia asked, smiling indulgently at Annabelle.

  “No, tomorrow should be fine.” Annabelle found herself unable to repress the smile that formed on her lips at the thought of seeing Richard again.

  “Good, I’ll send word to Richard when I get home.” Lavinia stood up to go.

  “Oh, no!” Annabelle stood up. “Please, don’t mention me.”

  Lavinia could tell that she was still worried about being rejected but she didn’t see the harm in not mentioning her in the letter. Besides, a nice surprise might be good for him.

  “As you wish. I will collect you from your house at nine tomorrow morning. I should also mention that I intend to send my kitchen maid to help out here and my cook is more than willing to prepare meals for your staff at home, which my footman will deliver. Should your staff need any additional assistance whilst we are away, the rest of my London staff are under orders to help as much as they can.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  Lavinia smiled. “Until tomorrow, my dear. And if you should reconsider between now and tomorrow and try to back out, I shall be most upset.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Of course, as soon as Lavinia left, Annabelle’s doubts began to kick in. What if Lavinia was wrong about Richard? What if her husband had lied to her about Richard being ‘careful’ to ease her fears?

  She reminded herself that she trusted Lavinia and her judgement.

  So what if Richard wouldn’t forgive her?

  Worse still what if he was really ill? What if he forgave her and everything was fine, only for the fire to rob him of his air and suffocate him? Lavinia had said he was recovering but she hadn’t seen Richard in person for a while, what if she didn’t know how bad he was?

  She couldn’t stand to reconcile with Richard, only to lose him again.

  Instead of trying to talk herself out of these doubts, she threw herself into her work instead; she knew from experience that it was much better to distract herself, than try to reason with her overactive mind.

  Her staff handled her leaving better than she expected, and both Minnie and Frank assured her that they would manage and that she was not to worry. Annabelle wondered how many times she could leave them, before they got tired of their errant boss and trying to cover her workload.

  She assured them that she would arrange a bonus for them before Christmas; she had enough spare from selling her sapphire necklace to afford a decent sum.

  She went upstairs to see Jones next, knocked and waited in the hallway for the other woman.

  “I’m going to Hampshire for a while to see Richard,” Annabelle explained.

  Jones nodded. “How long will you be gone?”

  “I don’t know, exactly.” She hadn’t even thought to ask. “If you’ll come to the study once Mother is asleep, I’ll show you how to open the safe, in case there are any emergencies or other costs in my absence.”

  Jones nodded. “I will, and I hope that you find what you are looking for in Hampshire,” she said with a smile.

  None of the staff knew what had happened with Richard and they knew better than to ask, but Jones had been with her mother since before Annabelle was born, so she was a little more perceptive about their mistress than the others.

  “Me too,” Annabelle smiled.

  “Would you like to see your mother before you leave?”

  Annabelle looked to the door, behind which her mother languished. It had been three weeks since she had seen her, unable to bear the pain of another rejection, especially when the anguish she felt over losing Richard was still so strong.

  “The doctor bled her this morning and she has had three doses of laudanum today. I doubt she will even wake up.”

  “Three?” Annabelle was surprised.

  Jones nodded sadly. “She has begun to forget even me now. She became violent, despite the bleeding… I had no choice.”

  “I believe you,” Annabelle assured her. “Maybe just a quick visit.”

  She went into the bedroom to see her mother lying, sound asleep atop the bed clothes. She gently sat down on the edge of the bed and looked into her mother’s face. She looked so gaunt, with dark hollows under each eye and sunken cheek bones, her pale skin stretched across her bones. Her hair was so thin in places now, that she almost seemed to be going bald.

  “She still won’t eat?” Annabelle asked.

  “She managed a little today but it made her nauseous.”

  Annabelle reached out a hand to brush a stray strand of hair off her mother’s cheek, but stopped herself in case she woke her.

  “I have to go away for a while, Mama, but I will be back soon,” she whispered, afraid of waking her. “I’ll miss you.”

  “I don’t think it will be very much longer now,” Jones said gently.

  “No,” Annabelle agreed, but it came out more as a choked sob.

  Jones took hold of her shoulders and guided Annabelle from the room.

  “It’s a blessing really,” Jones tried to comfort Annabelle. “She has been suffering for so long now, she deserves a rest.”

  Annabelle nodded, agreeing with the sentiment. “I know, but I selfishly don’t want to lose her yet.”

  Jones placed a hand on Annabelle’s arm. “You lost her a long time ago, you just don’t want to let go,” she said kindly.

  Annabelle knew that she was right and forced a bright smile to her face as she wiped her te
ars.

  “I’ll take good care of her.”

  Annabelle nodded. “I know you will. Thank you, Jones.”

  Lavinia arrived on time, but Annabelle was surprised to see Sampson helping the driver load her trunks onto the top of the carriage. She knew that her guards still watched over her but she hadn’t considered that she would be in any danger down in Hampshire.

  “Better safe than sorry,” Sampson answered her questioning look. “The others are staying here to look after your staff and home.”

  Annabelle nodded her understanding.

  The journey would take about four hours and Lavinia and Sampson chatted amiably, although Annabelle’s nerves kept her from being particularly verbose.

  As they journeyed out of London and into the countryside, her anxiety increased, as if the closer she got to Richard, the worse she felt. They had been travelling for about an hour and were travelling across Hounslow Heath, when suddenly there was a loud bang and the horses brayed, rearing up and rocking the carriage.

  Sampson looked out through the windows to see what was happening and saw two men, with kerchiefs covering their lower faces and holding bayonets. He thought that there were probably others that he couldn’t see from this vantage point.

  “Highwaymen,” he told them. “There’s at least two on this side. What do you want me to do?” He unbuttoned his coat and briefly pulled it aside, so that they could see a flintlock revolver tucked into his belt.

  “No,” Lavinia insisted. “They only want our valuables, which is not worth risking our lives over.”

  One of them began to lead the horses and carriage from the road and into some woodland, where they wouldn’t be disturbed, then they dragged the driver from his perch and took his pistol from him, before punching him to the ground.

  Sampson moved the revolver to his pocket, where he could access it more easily, then re-buttoned his coat.

  “Everyone, out of the carriage!” A face appeared at the window, his bayonet pointed at them.

  “Just stay calm and we will be fine,” Lavinia assured them. She made to get out of the carriage first but Sampson stopped her with his left hand on her forearm.