One Minute Later

by Susan Lewis

  ‘To assess the situation,’ Vivi growled angrily, ‘and … I’m OK. I’m still on my feet, I haven’t passed out and …’ she paused, ‘everything’s fine.’

  Gina’s face was ashen. ‘Sit down for a moment,’ she instructed shakily. ‘Give yourself a few minutes, then you need to contact the clinic to let them know …’

  ‘I will,’ Vivienne interrupted. ‘Just don’t fuss.’ When she was back on the sofa she said to Yvonne, ‘Please … book the dinner.’

  ‘Vivi,’ her mother said gravely.

  Vivi couldn’t look at her. She wanted to shout and rage and blame her for the fact that out of nowhere, provoked by nothing at all, her heart had just tried to stop beating. It’s your fault, she wanted to yell. You keep stressing me out. But she knew that was as untrue as it was unfair, so she said nothing, just sat quietly, clenching her hands and feeling the terror of knowing she might have died just now were it not for the device.

  ‘Did it hurt much?’ Mark asked her later in the day.

  It had hurt like bloody hell, Vivi didn’t say, but only for a moment, and thankfully it hadn’t knocked her out, or off her feet. Sighing, she put her head back and closed her eyes. They were in her sitting room, where her grandparents’ old table and chairs had returned to replace the bed that had been moved upstairs. It was definitely a design clash, but the bed had made her feel like an invalid, as if she couldn’t be allowed to go very far from it, or make it up the stairs when, provided she took it slowly, she could.

  ‘If you still feel like it,’ Mark said, ‘I think we should go out tonight.’

  Vivi’s eyes remained closed. She wouldn’t tell him how she really felt, she didn’t want to get into it with him, or even with herself; she just wanted to feel thankful that the implanted defibrillator had shocked her heart back into action, preventing her from dying right then. Presumably it was now performing some of the less violent tasks it was programmed to do, such as storing information of pulse rate, blood flow … She couldn’t feel anything, no buzzing or burning, just the horrible dread of being struck right through the heart by another brutal electric shock. Trey, at the clinic, had taken a reading from the device as soon as she’d got home and connected to the bedside monitor. To her relief he hadn’t told her to come in. He’d simply asked how she was feeling now, had instructed her to visit her GP in the morning for a new prescription and take things easy for the next couple of days.

  As if she ever did anything else.

  Realizing Mark was waiting for an answer, she said, ‘Everyone would feel they couldn’t have any wine because I can’t, and what fun would that be?’

  ‘They’re grown-ups,’ he retorted. ‘They can make up their own minds – unless you want them to feel bad, of course.’

  She eyed him balefully.

  ‘Well, do you?’ he prompted, apparently wanting an answer. He was sitting on the floor, his elbows resting on his knees, his handsome, tanned face showing more interest than judgement.

  ‘No, of course not,’ she said. ‘I just want them … I want me to stop being like this. I thought the new medication was making a difference … It is to the way I feel in myself, but then the damned device went off, and now they’re bloody well changing things again …’ The frustration, the helplessness, was so intense she might have screamed if she’d had the energy. She widened her eyes and stared at him challengingly, as if he could somehow make a difference.

  He looked back and, seeing how worried he was, she said, ‘Sorry, self-pity’s not good, is it? I really can’t stand it, but getting rid of it …’ She brightened her smile. ‘The blonde thing’s working, though. I’m quite liking it.’

  Going with the change of subject, he said, ‘She did a great job. It was good that you let her. I think it meant something.’

  Knowing that it had, she felt a surge of guilt and affection for her mother as she said, ‘I wish I could stop being horrible to her. It just seems to happen before I even know it’s going to.’

  His eyes went down for a moment, giving her the impression that he had something to say, and when he looked at her again she realized she was going to hear it. ‘I know I’m probably not meant to say this,’ he began, ‘but it really upsets her when you’re … Well, you know, kind of off with her. Not that she ever says anything to me, but she does to Dad. That’s why he keeps coming here to make sure you’re all right – I mean both of you.’

  Feeling shamed, like a bully who’d been called out, she closed her eyes again. She had to try harder, somehow stop the resentment that kept surfacing in such awful ways: ways that didn’t always need words because her mother sensed it anyway, and was as hurt by it as if Vivienne had slapped her, or worse.

  She could hear the murmur of Gina’s voice now, as she and Gil talked in the kitchen. She wondered what they were saying, and decided it was probably best she didn’t know. After a while she asked Mark, ‘Is it true your dad’s met someone?’

  He nodded slowly, not looking at her.

  Sensing he was no happier about it than she was, she said, ‘Have you met her?’

  ‘No, but her name’s Emily. I’m not sure how serious it is.’

  ‘I don’t suppose coming here so often is helping things much.’

  ‘Probably not.’

  ‘Do you want them to get back together? I mean Mum and Gil.’

  ‘Of course, if it’s what they want.’

  ‘I think it is.’

  He nodded in agreement.

  ‘Maybe I should make it a dying wish,’ she suggested.

  As his face became pinched she realized she’d gone too far. He looked so lost and afraid – maybe as afraid as she was, if the truth were told. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured.

  ‘No, don’t be. I’m your brother, you can say anything. I just … I just wish it wasn’t happening.’

  ‘I know,’ she responded softly.

  ‘They’ll probably find you a heart,’ he said after a while.

  She nodded, in spite of knowing how unlikely it was. The doctors might not have actually said that the wait could be as long as three years, two more than they’d given her, but she knew because she’d been reading all about it online. However, she wasn’t going to get into statistics and chances with Mark, it would only make him feel worse than he already did, so switching the subject back to their mother and Gil, she said, ‘If we could find out why they broke up, then maybe we’d stand a chance of getting them back together.’

  Taking a moment to untangle his thoughts from his fears, he said, ‘All I know is that it was his decision to leave, so despite what they might still feel for one another, I’m not sure he wants to come back.’

  Vivi felt quietly stunned by that. She’d always assumed it was her mother who’d ended the marriage. Gil had certainly allowed her to think that, but apparently he’d told Mark something else. ‘Did Gil ever say why he left?’

  Mark shrugged. ‘Not really. We never got into it. He just wanted me to know that it wouldn’t make any difference, we’d still be a family, but we’d have two homes.’

  This was what Gil had said to her too, without mentioning that it was what he wanted, rather than her mother’s decision. Just in case Mark really did know more, she said, ‘Has Gil ever said anything to you about my father?’

  Mark frowned. ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like, is there a chance he might have been behind the break-up?’

  Mark was looking perplexed and anxious as he shook his head. ‘If he was then it’s news to me,’ he replied. ‘But I don’t ever talk to him or Mum about anything like that. It’s not really my place to.’

  Accepting that was true and feeling bad for putting him in an awkward position, she told herself to let it go and tried to lift the mood again. ‘Can you do something for me?’ she asked, managing the ghost of a twinkle.

  He eyed her warily.

  She smiled. ‘Can you please go and join your mates in Italy? I know they’re already there, because I’ve seen their posts on Faceb
ook, and going to the Lakes and Venice and Florence would be on my bucket list if I could have a proper one, so I’m relying on you to go for me. And then to FaceTime me at least once a day to show me around and to reassure me that you’re having a brilliant time.’

  She meant every word, she really did want him to go and have a brilliant time, because sitting around here, worrying about her, wondering how long it would be before someone died so she could have a new heart, or didn’t so she died instead, wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all him.

  ‘But NanaBella, I don’t understand how you can’t know who my father is. You said yourself that Mum was living with you when I was born …’

  ‘When you were born, Vivi, not when you were conceived.’

  ‘OK, so where was she then?’

  ‘Actually, she was here, in Kesterly, for most of the time. She’d come back from uni during the summer, but she was always out with friends, staying over at parties and concerts, taking off for weekends on the south coast. I didn’t know who most of the friends were. She’d met them at uni and they came to stay, or pass through …’

  ‘Was there anyone in particular? Someone who might have been my dad?’

  With a sigh NanaBella said, ‘Your grandpa and I asked ourselves that many times, but neither of us remember there being anyone special. She just seemed to be having fun. She was too young to get involved was what she used to say, and we never had a problem with that, because nineteen was young. She had a bright future ahead of her … She had all sorts of plans …’ NanaBella caught her breath. ‘She returned to uni after the summer was over, but then she came home a month or so later and everything … changed.’

  ‘Because she was pregnant?’

  NanaBella nodded.

  ‘Were you angry when you found out?’

  ‘Not angry, no. I was more concerned about her and the way she was at the time.’

  ‘What does that mean? How was she?’

  NanaBella sighed again and shook her head. ‘To be honest, my love, I thought she was going to say she wanted a termination so she could continue her studies, but it turned out that she’d decided to give them up and have her baby instead.’

  Not realizing that her question hadn’t actually been answered, Vivi asked hopefully, almost desperately, ‘So do you think that means she really loved him?’

  NanaBella blinked in bemusement. ‘I don’t know what it means, my love, because she wouldn’t ever talk about him.’

  Vivi and Gil were strolling arm in arm along Bay Road, soaking up the evening sun as it sank slowly towards the horizon. There was no one about, just a lot of gulls and faraway surfers, and the occasional glimpse of a car passing the end of the road.

  ‘So no more scares?’ he asked, turning off his phone as it rang.

  ‘Not so far,’ she replied, thankfully. In truth, she was becoming increasingly depressed by the suddenness of the shock when she’d been feeling so good, and was afraid she wouldn’t be able to snap out of it for a while – by which time it might have happened again, and again. Short, sharp bursts of electricity to restart her heart each time it tried to give up on her. And what was that actually doing to it? Wearing it out even more? The spectre of a Ventricular Assist Device, the pump that would take over her heart completely, tried to appear, but she managed to push it away. She’d promised herself only to deal with that if she had to, for the nightmare of the tubes and batteries, the way it would limit her life to an even greater degree, should only be lived when she had no choice. ‘I feel fine now,’ she insisted. ‘Well, maybe that’s overstating it, I wouldn’t be up for a marathon or a bungee jump, but I’m out here walking with you and that’s good, isn’t it?’

  He smiled as he squeezed her arm. ‘It’s a pity it happened,’ he commented sadly. ‘You seemed to be gaining strength, but I guess it was a reminder for us not to get carried away.’

  A horrible reminder, she thought, but she didn’t want to discuss it any more. If it was going to happen again it would, and talking about it was hardly a preventive. So moving away from it, she said, ‘I know we’ve had this conversation before, but we haven’t had it for a long time and there are a few things I’d like to ask you again, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Fire away,’ he invited, his easy tone telling her that he hadn’t guessed what was coming.

  The big decision now was where to begin. ‘It’s about my real father,’ she said, deciding to get that bit out first. She waited. He said nothing, just kept walking with his hand over hers, so she continued. ‘I know Mum’s never told you who he is, but I wondered, since we last spoke about it, if that had changed.’

  His eyes remained straight ahead as he said, ‘No, it hasn’t changed, sweetheart. We never talk about him. We never have.’

  ‘But don’t you find that strange? You must.’

  He ruminated for a moment. ‘Not strange, exactly, more concerning, because obviously something happened back then that was … Well, we don’t know what it was, because she won’t discuss it.’

  She climbed up onto the dunes after him, accepting his help in case the effort was too much for her. It wasn’t, but there again, after today’s shock what did she know?

  They tramped through the grassy sand until they reached a public bench offering an uninterrupted view of the bay. She rested her head on his shoulder as they sat watching the distant tide, her hand linked in his, and finally she said, ‘Did my father have anything to do with the reason you left?’

  He inhaled deeply, letting the question sink in for a while, before he said, ‘I’m not sure.’

  As surprised by the answer as she was thrown by it, she said, ‘What does that mean?’

  He drew a breath. ‘To be honest,’ he replied, ‘I think he’s the reason she’s … the way she is, and it’s because of the way she is that it became … difficult for us to stay together.’

  Feeling faintly light-headed as she realized she might actually be getting somewhere at last, she said, ‘What do you mean by the way she is?’

  It was clear that he didn’t really want to answer that, and she felt bad for testing his loyalty to her mother, but she needed to know.

  ‘Please,’ she said softly.

  In the end he said, ‘She’s difficult to get close to at times, as you know, and … Well, shall we just say that I don’t think she’s the person she might have been if things had been different.’

  ‘You mean if she hadn’t had me?’

  He sighed heavily. ‘Yes, I do mean that, but it doesn’t mean she regrets having you. She’s never made me think that.’

  ‘But she has made you think that there’s unfinished business with my father?’

  Again he took a moment to consider her question before shaking his head. ‘I’m not sure I’d put it like that, but who knows, you could be right.’

  ‘Do you think …? This is probably going to sound crazy, but do you think she’s afraid of him?’

  He frowned doubtfully. ‘What I have sometimes thought is that he, or what happened between them, might still be influencing her in some way.’

  Feeling certain it was, Vivi said, ‘Do you think I have a right to know who he is?’

  Resting his head on hers, he said, ‘Yes, I think you do, but there’s a lot to consider before you start taking any steps in that direction.’

  ‘Like how it might affect her if I do manage to find him?’

  ‘Yes, and there’s also how it might affect you.’

  She realized she hadn’t actually given much consideration to that.

  ‘Frankly,’ he said, ‘if he were a good man I’m sure he’d have been in your life.’

  It was a logical assumption. ‘Even if he were married to someone else?’

  ‘That makes it less likely, of course, but not impossible.’

  ‘And if he was married,’ she said, countering her own argument, ‘why wouldn’t she at least have told NanaBella, or you, when you came into her life? She wouldn’t have been the first girl to fal
l pregnant by a married man.’

  ‘Indeed,’ he agreed.

  She hesitated before voicing another suspicion, until deciding there was no point in holding back, she said, ‘I’ve sometimes wondered if she was raped.’

  He nodded. ‘I’ve wondered that too.’

  ‘Did you ever ask her?’

  ‘No, but your grandmother did and she said she wasn’t.’

  So he’d discussed it with NanaBella. ‘Did Nana believe it?’

  ‘I don’t think she was ever completely sure, but apparently your mother was adamant that it hadn’t happened that way.’

  ‘Maybe she doesn’t actually know who got her pregnant. There might have been some sort of group sex going on that she doesn’t want to admit to.’

  He shrugged, showing that he’d considered that possibility too, but how would they ever know?

  She wound her fingers through his and brought their hands to her cheek. ‘Whoever he is,’ she said, ‘whether I find him or not, it’ll never change how much you matter to me. I hope you know that.’

  He turned to press a kiss to her new blonde waves. ‘I’m glad about that,’ he smiled.

  She smiled too. ‘Can I tell you something strange?’ she asked after a while.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Knowing that I might die without ever finding out who he is … It makes me feel … unfinished.’

  He moved to put an arm around her. ‘I think I can understand that,’ he said softly.

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘will you talk to Mum with me? I can’t do it on my own. I don’t think I’m strong enough, not if it goes the way it did the last time I asked when I was eighteen.’

  Gina was incandescent, and looked as though she might actually hit Vivienne if she so much as uttered another word.

  ‘No, your father, as you like to call him, had absolutely nothing to do with me and Gil breaking up. I don’t know where you get such ridiculous ideas. What the hell goes on in your head?’

  ‘You pushed Gil away because in your head you’re still in love with my father,’ Vivienne raged back. ‘You always have been, but he doesn’t want you, so you take it out on the rest of us, especially me, because I look like him, or sound like him …’