by L. B. Dunbar
An hour later, I met Tommy in the kitchen. The open concept was massive yet welcoming, with light colors of white and gray. It was the perfect beach set-up, with a view of the bright day and the roaring ocean. Masie sat on a stool between Ivy’s girls while Ivy stood on the other side of the island cooking breakfast. Gage watched his wife over the edge of his coffee mug. He was an intense man, but I also sensed he’d never purposely harm Ivy. He smothered her, but he loved her.
“Mommy says you’re going to school here,” Ava said to Masie. The comment brought my attention to my daughter. I didn’t know she’d made a decision, and if she had, I was a bit disappointed she told Ivy before telling me.
“Well, I’m still thinking about it,” Masie answered, sheepishly eyeing me.
“You’ll be here,” Gage interjected, a telling tease in his tone.
“So, I heard you’re getting a new school,” Masie said, deflecting the question away from her. Her excited voice filled the kitchen, suddenly quiet beyond the perk of the coffee pot and the sizzle of bacon. All other sound seemed to dissipate, including my breathing. I froze in mid-reach for my glass of orange juice and noticed the slightest pause in Ivy’s motion to flip a pancake.
“I’m going to be in first grade,” Ava announced, and my shoulders relaxed at the innocent response saving us all from a sudden awkward revelation.
“First grade? No way! I thought you were already in sixth grade,” Masie teased.
“I’m going to school, too,” Emaline replied, her head shaking adamantly to emphasize her participation in something similar to her older sister. “I’ll be going with Mommy.”
This time the quiet weighed heavy, the echo of silence after Emaline’s announcement ringing longer as Gage slowly lowered his coffee mug, Ivy set the spatula on the counter, and I stepped to Ivy’s side.
“What’s going on, darlin’?” Tommy asked, noting my sudden proximity to Ivy.
“Nothing,” Ivy and I said in unison.
“Mommy’s getting a school,” Emaline offered, her attention still focused on the pancake before her.
“Oh, God,” Ivy muttered as I whispered under my breath, “Shit.”
“Babe?” Gage questioned stepping towards his wife, and her eyes closed, knowing this was the opportunity she’d been searching for, albeit inopportune. Unfortunately, there was never going to be a right moment. It was time.
“I have something to tell you,” she said, her voice lowering. Tommy’s eyes met mine, but I quickly avoided his questioning glance and set my hand on Ivy’s back. Gage noticed the movement and reached for his wife’s shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes searched her face. “Is the baby okay?” A hand lowered to Ivy’s belly.
“Yes. Oh, God. It’s nothing like that.” She sighed. “It’s just…I bought a school.” The words tumbled out of Ivy, and her eyes closed at the sight of Gage’s eyes widening in shock. This could only go one of two ways for Ivy, and I held my breath: he was going to hate it or love it.
“Tell me about it,” Gage requested, and I took a sigh of momentary relief. Tommy’s eyes burrowed into the side of my head, but the need to protect Ivy didn’t allow me to meet his glare. Honestly, I was afraid to look at him. Ivy explained how she’d kept up her music therapy license and had been considering using it again. When she noticed the floundering school in the news, she inquired what it would take to restore the organization. She explained to Gage that she needed something to do. She loved the girls and being his wife, but she wanted something more.
“I’m your something more,” he said selfishly before swiping a hand down his face.
“That’s just it. You have your music. The band. I want something more for me.” My heart broke as my young friend tapped her chest, the desperation evident in her voice. She needed this or she’d break. Ivy Everly had a quiet, confident strength, but she was teetering on the edge of cracking in that fortitude.
“Maybe we should give you two a moment,” I offered, pressing Ivy toward Gage, hoping to encourage them to speak privately elsewhere.
“This is your fault, isn’t it?” Gage snapped, looking at me over the shoulder of his wife. “You put her up to this, didn’t you?”
“I—”
“Check your tone, mister,” Tommy interjected in response to Gage’s accusation.
“Edie wasn’t involved,” Ivy whined. “This isn’t about anyone else. This is about me, Gage. Look at me,” she snapped at him. His eyes briefly shifted to her before returning to mine.
“Everything was fine until you met her. I don’t get it. Life was good. Now my band manager is jet-setting off to Chicago. My bass guitarist wants time off to visit your daughter. Just what the fuck?”
“Gage,” Ivy hissed, her eyes shifting to the children. On that cue, Masie picked up Emaline and reached for Ava’s hand before guiding the girls out of the room.
“Darlin’, why am I suspecting you knew something about this?” The tone of Tommy’s voice told me he questioned Gage’s accusation. He considered it a possibility. A sudden chill bristled over my skin.
“Ivy told me of her plan, and I think it’s a wonderful idea. If she wants to do this, you should both support her. It’s very…noble.” Ivy peered at me over her shoulder, giving me a slow smile of gratitude.
“I support her just fine.” Gage glared at me. “I support you, babe.” He looked back at his wife, cupping her face in his hands. “I give you what you need, right? What else do you want?”
Ivy’s eyes widened, the excitement returning, detecting false sympathy in Gage’s tone. “Well, we need some sponsors and—”
“Not for the fucking school. I mean, what do you need? From me? For us?”
Ivy and I might have blinked in unison, in confusion. Was he not listening to her?
“What I need is your support of me,” Ivy clarified, suddenly realizing Gage’s tone had nothing to do with understanding her desire for the school.
“You have my support. I give you everything you ne—” She tugged her face from his grip.
“Are you listening to yourself?” I snapped, knowing it wasn’t my place but suddenly protective of Ivy’s dream. “She’s telling you what she needs is this school. What she wants to do is give kindness and help others. It doesn’t involve you other than to love her.”
“Darlin’,” Tommy warned.
“It doesn’t involve you either,” Gage snapped. “Or so you say.”
“Actually, it will include Edie. She’s thinking of becoming the school’s manager.” A chill rippled through the room as if a threatening breeze before a thunder storm. Tommy’s mouth hung open before he swiped his fingers around his lips and closed them.
“Darlin’,” Tommy questioned. “You moving to California?” I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see his eyes. Fear slithered through me, and when I glanced over at him, my assumptions became reality. He didn’t want me here.
“I don’t think so.” The low tone forced Ivy to spin toward me, her back to her husband.
“You said you’d think about it. Edie, please. I can’t do this without you.” Her fingers reached for mine, curling into them and holding onto me like a lifeline.
“How long have you known about this, Edie?” Tommy’s tone hardened around my name.
“Since she got the idea.”
“Which was when?” Gage growled.
“In January,” Ivy answered, lowering her eyes, knowing a truth that omitted all the details could be just as powerfully wrong as a lie.
“You didn’t say anything,” Tommy returned to me, the irritation in his voice growing. Then he spoke to his niece. “Ivy, girl, are you sure this is the time for something like this? With the concert tour? The baby coming?”
“It’s the perfect time, Uncle Tommy.”
“I disagree,” Gage said.
“Well, you don’t have a say, as it’s already purchased and under construction,” Ivy snapped, the further admission startling both men. Tommy’s eyes na
rrowed at me, realizing I knew a lot more about this project than the idea of a school. The shock on Gage’s face was like a slap to his scruff-covered cheeks. Ivy had never been so direct with him in my presence. His head shook as he looked up at me.
“And just what do you get out of this?” Gage snorted, his nostrils flaring in anger.
“Gage, you’re out of line,” Ivy warned, her voice low.
“What is it you want from her, Edie? Notoriety? Money?”
Too stunned to answer, I stared at him. My eyes would have filled with tears if I wasn’t so angry at the accusation.
“I don’t know why you’re involved,” Gage continued, despite his wife’s second warning. “Who do you think you are? Giving her ideas that she needs something more. Encouraging her to take this risk and in her condition. You aren’t her mother.”
The words hung in the air like the crack of a whip. Sharp. Pointed. The sting resonated through me, but I was more concerned for Ivy, who took an audible gasp. My poor friend, who’d made this decision because she’d lost her mother. Because she felt distanced from the band’s life. Because she didn’t want to lose herself. I’d encouraged her, and I’d assured her, had her mother been alive, she’d support her. But I never, ever assumed a role of replacing her mother. I’d actually fought against any misconception of that thought. In that moment, Ivy’s pain was as palpable as Gage’s words.
“You’ve gone too far,” Ivy muttered to her husband, her voice eerily low. She brushed past him and headed for the sliding glass doors to the deck. Not bothering to close them behind her, she raced for the stairs and the beach below. Gage followed after her and I spun for the counter, bracing my hands on the surface.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tommy asked.
“It didn’t seem my place to share her secret.” I exhaled, my shoulders shuddering.
“She’s my niece. Practically like a child to me. I think you should have said something.”
“That’s the thing. She’s a woman, and she wants to be treated as such,” I said, looking up at him, hoping he’d understand.
“Are you telling me how to treat my family?” He blinked, surprised.
“No, I’m telling you, as a woman, that she wants things for herself that revolve around her, not just her children, or her marriage.”
“You should have told me, Edie,” his voice lowered to a tone I couldn’t decipher.
“Like you tell me everything?” I whispered harshly. “This is hardly the world’s greatest secret.” I don’t know where the words came from, but the sharpness was because of my growing anger. I’d just been accused of things I’d never imagine doing—taking advantage of them.
Masie came into my peripheral vision. “Mom, I don’t want to interrupt, but we need to get going.” A quick glance over the stove at the clock revealed we had twenty minutes to get our things collected for the airport. I nodded at my daughter, who disappeared almost as quickly as she entered the room.
“Look, this isn’t the end of the world…” I began but Tommy raised a hand to stop me.
“Maybe it needs to be.”
Disbelief caused me to blink several times as I stared at him.
“What are you saying?” My fingers curled around the edge of the countertop, my nails digging into the hard undersurface, needing stability.
“I’m saying, I think it’s time.” His eyes closed as he spoke, shutting me out of his vision. “My family is everything to me, Edie, and keeping something from me in regards to them is a hard limit for me. It’s about trust, and you’ve broken mine.” I glared at him. After all the things he’d kept from me, continued to keep from me, he was accusing me of breaking trust. Was he seriously breaking up with me over this—his niece opening a therapy school? Or was it the possibility that I would move here? Or was it his Californian lifestyle, that mystery I wasn’t allowed to know, that I might infringe upon if I were closer? The statement was clear. There was no place for me in his world. Any fight I had drained out of me, puddling on the tile floor. With strength I didn’t feel, I spoke.
“If that’s what you want,” I whispered, pressing off the counter. He turned his head towards the beach view, refusing to look at me, and I rounded the counter to exit the room.
18
What the doctor ordered
Without a word to Ivy, Masie and I flew home. Still stunned that this was the cause to the end of my relationship with Tommy, I stared out the airplane window, hollow inside like the clouds outside. The end of my marriage hadn’t paralyzed me as much as the sudden, unexpected end with Tommy. The accusations stung. The distrust incomprehensible. All my concerns that things would eventually end had come true. Unfortunately for me, I never considered it would be over something like Ivy’s therapy school.
Understandably, I didn’t fit with Tommy Carrigan, but in many ways, he’d been good for me. He’d restored in me some things long-suppressed and awakened other things I’d never known I wanted.
He’d been just what the doctor ordered.
When I went for my six-month check-up with Dr. Crain, her words resonated with me.
“I don’t have to tell you how fortunate you are, Edie,” she had reminded me. I had survived the battle, for now, through treatments and a mastectomy, and after that appointment I had the all-clear for the foreseeable future. In many ways, I was blessed, and I didn’t take my life for granted after all I had been through. Elizabeth’s medical guidance and personal support had been unparalleled, considering I went through a divorce at the same time as my diagnosis. Because of our friendship, borne through sharing such an experience, she had the ability to speak candidly with me. “You’ve been given more time. Take advantage of it.”
The implication was clear. I’d been given a second opportunity to do what I wanted with the life I had. I was free of David, despite the loneliness of being divorced. The weight of no longer being married had taken time to lift, until I recognized the burden I bore with him and the relief I felt at no longer being attached to him. It didn’t lessen the awareness that I was alone, but I was also my own person again. Tommy Carrigan had been the baptism of my rebirth. He’d let me see what I desired and that I could be desirable to another person. I missed him. Lord, did I miss him, because he’d brought to light things I didn’t know I wanted, things I’d never been comfortable demanding. He made me feel alive, and I had to credit him with giving me the experience of a lifetime.
And finally, the tears came.
Elizabeth diagnosed it as part of that adjustment disorder I’d experienced in January. My emotions were a mess from all I’d endured over the last few years. The loss of Tommy, coupled with the future loss of Masie through her graduation and subsequent move to California, left me feeling adrift, like bark floating down a rapidly moving river. Time was speeding up, and I couldn’t get a grasp on where I wanted to go next. In addition to my other losses, I missed Ivy.
“I’m so sorry,” she pleaded once we final spoke. “I expected him to overreact, but nothing like he did.”
I nodded as if she could see me, her words a reminder of all that Gage said.
“You know I’d never take advantage of you, Ivy—”
“I never for a moment thought you were,” she interjected, cutting me off from any more explanation. “I can’t believe he said that.” She paused a beat. “If anything, I took advantage of you, wanting you to give up everything for me and move here to help me. And I’m so sorry about Tommy. He’d completely overreacted as well.” The heavy exhale after she spoke made my heart sink. Ivy carried a weighty burden.
“Tell me you’re still continuing with the school?” I asked hesitantly, hoping to deflect the conversation away from Tommy.
“Absolutely, and my offer still stands. I haven’t tried to find a manager, as I’m hoping you’ll still consider helping me, despite my uncle and his stubbornness.” She chuckled softly, but I found no humor the situation.
I actually had considered Ivy’s offer more often than I
should have. I’d been working in my current position for years. I was good as a personal assistant. Organization was my middle name, but the more spontaneous my life had become because of Tommy, the more disheartened I was at the mundane routine of dressing for work, going to work, and coming home from work, all with the sole purpose of making money. I hadn’t ever had convictions like Ivy; however, my life had changed. I was learning from her, and the idea that I’d been given a second chance returned to me.
“Honey, I think because of your uncle, I should continue to decline the offer.”
“Edie,” she whined. “This is exactly what I feared. Please don’t make it about them. This is still about me. I want you here. I trust you, and that’s exactly what I told Gage and Tommy.” The comment reaffirmed that Tommy and Gage both thought I had ulterior motives and I said as much to Ivy.
“They don’t trust me. The irony is, I’m the one who would lose on this venture. I’d be giving up my home, the place where I’ve lived my whole life, a secure job, and a confident doctor.”
A short gasp filled the line. “You’re okay, right? Is something wrong?” The concern grew with each word expressed.
“I’m fine, honey. In fact, I have a clean bill for now. Medication for five years and regular check-ups. I’m all good.”
Ivy exhaled a quiet, “Thank God,” before adding, “You know I don’t believe what Gage said. I don’t think you’re trying to replace my mother.”
“I know,” I replied, a weak smile on my lips. I believed Ivy, and a moment of silence passed as we both thought of her mother’s plight.
“It’s a risk, Edie. The move and everything. I explained all this to Tommy. You would be giving up way more than you were getting from this arrangement, and I was the selfish one to ask.” She paused to add, “We’d find you the best doctor out here, by the way.”
“Aw, honey, you should have been a lawyer. You’re setting up a good argument, but I’m still going to decline. I can’t explain it, but I don’t think I can be around your family knowing how they feel about me.”