In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  Noah read poetry aloud today, as well as excerpts from a play we studied together after reading Hamlet. Since we were both familiar with it, we re-enacted a couple scenes of it, he as Rosencrantz, and myself as Guildenstern, naturally.

  It was really fun actually. We laughed a lot, which always leaves me feeling as if the day was satisfactory.

  55 Days, 3 January, Saturday

  Due to an unfortunate series of coincidental timings, I ended up walking in on Noah while he was showering today.

  It all started with Terra having a relaxing bath in the upstairs bath, and concurrently, Noah having a shower. We never had to worry about that before, because it used to be just the two of us.

  Had to pee so bad I thought I would burst. Debated on going outside, standing awkwardly outside Noah’s door. But it’s so cold today, it’ll freeze.

  Pounded on the door, hearing Noah’s voice from within. “Yes?”

  “I have to pee, can I come in?”

  “Yes.”

  Sighed gratefully, tearing into the room and rushing to the toilet, not even paying attention to the shower until I finished up.

  As I was walking towards the sink, I remembered that we have a relatively see-through curtain on the downstairs shower. It has random splotches of the primary colours as if some clumsy painter was near the transparent plastic.

  Behind the plastic, though, he was standing with his back to me, and his arms folded in front of him.

  Couldn’t move, affixed firmly into place by the sensuous image of him standing there with the water dripping off him. It was like I could see a hyper-detailed video of each drop as it ran down his body, all at once.

  The rushing noise of the water continued, until he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. That only strengthened whatever force was keeping me immobile.

  Water dripped of the end of his moisture-spiked hair, running down his uncovered face. (In retrospect, I remember seeing the many bandages on the counter in my peripherals.) He was turned enough for me to take in the sharp shadows of his jawline, and the cupid’s bow of his lip, with water bouncing off them.

  For me, it almost seemed in slow motion, I was stricken.

  Think it’s a rare thing for someone to be so stricken by another person. Wanted so badly to reach past the paint-splattered plastic to touch him, feel that water between my hands and his skin.

  Just like when we were at the pool. Before all these new injuries. I have to explore them. Last time we were intimate, there were bandages hiding him. I want to see him.

  I’m fascinated by his body.

  When he got out of the shower, the bandages were back, underneath his clothes as well. Had to fight the urge to rip them away from him.

  Don’t want him to hide anymore.

  54 Days, 4 January, Sunday

  Another lazy Sunday. I’ve gotten used to having him around to just lie around and be lazy with. Think that’s a sign you’re totally comfortable with someone, when you can just do nothing but enjoy the silence of one another’s company.

  Also tried to catch Noah up on the school stuff we did before Christmas break. Not that I really needed to, I’m sure he could have done it by himself better than my pseudo-teaching.

  He must have been humouring me, listening to me with all that attention.

  Thought more about his body today as well, regarding how I want to see all of him at once. Decided these were perfectly normal feelings for a teenager of my age.

  Another thing I’ve been thinking a while came to my attention today. Just as we were going to bed, thought I detected Tobias’ voice again.

  Tobias hides behind Noah’s gaze, staring out at a world he is not allowed to be a part of. Maybe that’s why I’m always so affected by his steady stares. It’s like being double-stared.

  Now that I know about Tobias, it almost hurts to look at Noah. Tobias’ existence seems doubly apparent when Noah is sleepy, or just waking up. Maybe Tobias has more control when Noah is closer to dreaming?

  Dunno, but it’s worth an investigation.

  If I’m already in tune with Noah’s emotions, maybe, just maybe I can be in tune with his dreams while he’s sleeping. Want to be able to establish a connection between the two of them, so Tobias might be happier. Think he’s angry because he’s alone.

  We’ll have to be touching though, while he’s sleeping. Flesh on flesh. In a bed. Sort of like that time before, except now I’m more aware of this tension.

  Not that I’m altogether opposed to the idea of being naked in a bed with him.

  It sounds pretty great, actually.

  I’ve never actually slept fully naked before. Just with my shirt off. But this idea seems really appealing to me. I need to see Noah naked in a situation that doesn’t involve me bandaging his horrible wounds.

  For him to be fully exposed to me, that would be amazing. The sort of thing I would draw if I had the ability. Maybe in my next life.

  My bed would be large enough for us both, if I held him all night. Plus, in my room, Terra is less likely to barge right in.

  Now I just need to get him in here without coming off as a pervert. Don’t think I actually want to do anything, Just want to sleep with him.

  That sounds pervy still.

  Sleep in the plainest sense of the word, with no innuendos attached. Want to follow him into the dark, and guard him through his dreams. Lead him to his unknown brother.

  If I can protect him in my waking life, I know I can protect him in the world of dreams too.

  I’ve also noticed I haven’t been remembering things as clearly as before, so I haven’t been recording exact situations as much. Maybe my head will be clearer when school starts again. It gives me some structure to go around.

  53 Days, 5 January, Monday

  Ah the dreaded Monday. The day I had to say goodbye to Noah, and not see him again for the rest of the evening. Wanted to walk him home, but he declined. Think he didn’t want to chance his father seeing me.

  Ariel and Julia sat with us in Math today. Since it’s largely revision time, Math has become a predominantly work class. Both Ariel and Julia seemed happy to see us both there.

  Noah smiled a little awkwardly, looking at me as if I was going to tell him he smiled properly for the girls. They seemed completely unabashed, and proceeded to barrage him with questions about all the confusing logarithms and angle thingers.

  Watched him explain all of the theories and concepts to them with a sort of glazed-over expression, worrying about when school would end, and him going home.

  “-ian?”

  Snapped out of my drooly reverie, looking at Julia, who asked me a question.

  “Don’t you think Noah should be a teacher?”

  Thought about that for a beat, and then nodded, smiling. “That would be perfect, wouldn’t it?”

  Ariel nodded her approval, while Noah looked embarrassed and continued his long string of questions.

  You know what? I know Ariel and Julia well enough they deserve descriptions.

  Ariel has curly red hair, proper red hair, mind, not my weird orange. Her eyes are brown, and she has a lot of freckles. She always wears her uniform and has her accessories perfectly matched to her hairband. I also noticed she doesn’t wear the cute patent leathers I’d expect, but rock star-looking canvas sneakers. She’s the more gullible of the two, something it seems Julia takes full advantage of.

  Julia is way taller than Ariel, and has long black hair, always up in a high ponytail. She wears glasses; really dorky looking big round ones that somehow look awesome on her. Unlike Ariel, her uniform is mostly in disarray, although she has several variants of it, with decidedly shorter skirts, and a more Japanese kind of schoolgirl design. Julia is a very brash personality.

  Wonder what they’d do if they found me writing about them. Then again, I never considered what Noah would do if he knew.

  Let’s not get into that. It’ll only make me more worried.

  What if he doesn’t show u
p tomorrow? What will I do? Gah! Too many possibilities!

  If he’s hurt… it’ll kill me. Just let him go this afternoon, I hardly tried to stop him. He’s going to get home, and have no idea who his father is.

  This whole situation is stupid. Why is he going home to someone who hates him, and- Grawr!

  I’m frustrated and worried, and just burned my toast.

  Screw it, I’m going to bed.

  52 Days, 6 January, Tuesday

  I’ve never felt as heartsick as I do now.

  Noah didn’t go home last night. He was sitting at the school entrance when I got there, and was wearing the same thing as yesterday.

  Wondered where he stayed, or if he slept outside. That’s a worrisome thought, even if the weather is a little warmer as of late. He looked eager to go inside with me, and smiled half-heartedly when we got in and settled in Physics.

  Turned around to face him when I registered we had nearly ten minutes to the bell. “Where did you go last night?” Decided a blunt approach would be best. Maybe that’s manipulative because he never lies.

  “I-” he began, his eyebrows cinching as he realised I caught on. “I went many places.”

  Question dodge, well done.

  “I mean, where did you sleep?”

  Noah bit his lip, “In the small storage shed connected to the gymnasium. I did not want to go home.”

  “You should have come home.”

  “But-!”

  “I mean, back home with me. You’re safe and warm there. Don’t you see it’s the best place for you to be? No one is going to hurt you there.”

  “I can’t.”

  “But-”

  “A dilemma. An imperative decision between two undesirable alternatives.”

  That stung. “You don’t… want to be with me?”

  Noah sighed, “It’s not that. I don’t want to take a chance anymore. I was waiting until the last possible moment…”

  “For what? To tell me that you don’t want to be around me for fear of involving me with your father? Or your curse? Well, that’s too damn bad, because I’m already involved. I’m not going to leave you alone to deal with anything ever again.”

  “No.” he stood up, his hands at his sides, shaking. Then he put them on his desk to steady himself. “Stay away from me if you’re going to try and interfere.” Noah kept his gaze down, and I could almost hear a tremor in his voice. “I don’t want that man to ever see you, or for you to be hurt by being near me ever again. If that means I must be away from you, then so be it.”

  Could feel my anger rising up in me, but I suppressed it, not wanting to direct it at him. It wasn’t meant for him, why should I direct it at him? “I won’t let you leave.” I stood up as well, making to reach for him, but he recoiled.

  “Don’t. Let’s just go our separate ways.”

  Grabbed his hand, holding it between both of mine. “I’ll always be waiting. Even if you forget me. I told you before, I’m only yours.”

  Noah actually looked at me then. The blue of his eye was exceptionally vibrant. “We cannot be friends anymore.” His long thin fingers wrapped around the smooth metal of my ring, pulling it off. Then he withdrew his hand, and grabbed his bag, hurrying out the door. Cool air spiked onto the skin my ring normally covered, enhancing the reality of its absence.

  Stumbled, leaning against the desk, trying not to totally freak out. Julia and Ariel came into the classroom, talking amongst themselves.

  “Aerian, good morning.” Ariel said, sitting down at her desk beside mine.

  It took me a few seconds to work up a smile, something they both noticed.

  “What’s wrong?” Julia asked, eying me critically.

  “Er… it’s nothing. Don’t worry.” I grinned half-heartedly, and they exchanged glances, but didn’t press the issue.

  Felt sick to my stomach all day.

  Feel like I failed. I just wanted to save him, but the one thing that stopped me from doing just that was him. And he took my ring, the circle of infinity, to represent our friendship. He took it back.

  Julia and Ariel asked me where Noah was in Math, and that was almost more than I could handle. “I don’t know.” I answered quietly and honestly.

  Not knowing where he was, or if he was safe…

  It’s not even a feeling I can really name.

  But it hurts.

  51 Days, 7 January, Wednesday

  He wasn’t at school today. Should have expected that.

  It’s crazy how accustomed I’ve become to his company. When he’s not around, I don’t really have anything that seems interesting.

  Julia and Ariel both sat with me at lunch though, and I shared the spaghetti and sauce I made with them. They were trying to cheer me up, praising the taste and my cooking in general.

  “Aerian, did you want to try my cookies?” Ariel asked, looking kind of desperate.

  Smiled softly, taking one of the proffered cookies. It was a gingersnap, and had a really nice flavour.

  “It’s good, thanks.” I mumbled as I chewed.

  Ariel’s lower lip trembled a bit, “Are you guys not friends anymore?”

  That shook me out of my funk. “Huh?”

  “We saw him leaving in the hallway yesterday, he was crying. What happened?” Ariel looked ready to cry herself.

  “We just- Are you alright? It’s not like you’ve known us that long.” I fished a tissue out of my bag, handing it to her while Julia looked on with an impassive expression.

  “Well, you’re new, but Noah’s been in my class since elementary school. He’s always been alone, and never spoke at all. Ever. And then you came here, and he finally spoke! He smiled, and he’s friends with us, and even helped us with Math.” Her breath kept hitching in her throat, this must really have been bothering her. “And if you’re not friends anymore, he’s going to be alone again!”

  Rubbed Ariel’s shoulder supportively, not knowing what to say at all, or even managing a feeble smile.

  Julia stood up, grabbing her Math textbook, and whacked me on the head with it. It sort of hurt, but surprised both Ariel and I out of our shared sadness.

  “Being sad doesn’t do anything for anyone!” She said angrily, “If you guys ever want Noah to come back, then you have to smile!”

  Julia sat down, frowning slightly, and stabbed my bowl of spaghetti with unwarranted ferocity.

  Looked at her for a while, letting her words sink in. Still couldn’t manage a smile, thinking of what Ariel said. He’s going to be alone again.

  When I got home, Terra was sitting on the couch, and sang out a happy ‘welcome hoooome!’

  Mumbled out a greeting, unwinding my scarf and unbuttoning my jacket. At that, I heard her walking across the living room to me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  Her eyes flared, “It’s never nothing.”

  Looked at her despondently, not even wanting to respond.

  “Aerian, tell me what’s wrong. Did something happen today?”

  “Not today.”

  “Yesterday then?”

  Nodded, gusting out a dejected sigh.

  “C’mon, let’s go talk in here.” She led me to the couch, and sat down beside me as I flopped down.

  “Now, tell me, love. What happened that’s got you so down?”

  “Noah’s not my friend anymore.”

  As soon as I said that, it hit me harder than before. It was like my own words repeated over and over in my mind, making me realise the depth of what happened. Could feel my face warming, and was sure there was a brilliant crimson burning underneath my freckles.

  Terra didn’t say anything, but wrapped her arms around me, and held me until I spoke again.

  “I don’t even know where his is. He left, and didn’t come back.”

  She stroked my hair soothingly, a silent encouragement to keep talking.

  “I miss him already. It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss him. That’s crazy, right
? To only be apart for a day, and already you’re sick because they’re gone? That’s not right. People shouldn’t feel this strongly about anything. It’s too hard on their hearts.”

  “You know you never were friends, right?”

  Pulled away, looking at her in horror. “What?”

  “You’ve always been more than that. Something more than friends. Partners, lovers, soulmates, call it whatever you want, but it’s always been more than friendship. You know that.” She placed her hand on my chest, pressing the blue glass heart into it. “His heart is still with you. It’s yours. This too will pass. I have every confidence that you will be together again.”

  I’d like to say I was a tough guy, and took that stoically like Noah would have, but I didn’t. Everything seemed to pile on all at once, and I just let it go, crying into Terra’s shoulder. She whispered words of comfort, like the time she held me after that nightmare.

  This was a nightmare too.

  50 Days, 8 January, Thursday

  What the hell is the point anymore? Why does it matter to count down these days? Thought it was fate, that we’d always be together. May promised us. She said we’d have 77 days of happiness.

  If May lied, which she must have, that could mean Mum was wrong too. What if everything I’ve been believing just isn’t true? May said we were meant to be together, so why are we apart?

  Noah was absent today as well. Ariel was still really upset, noting that whenever he was gone like this, he always came to school looking completely beat up.

  “But what if he’s gone forever this time?!” she cried, receiving a glowering glance of warning from Julia.

  Put my head on my desk, swallowing the hard lump of that idea. What if…?

  What if he never comes back?

  49 Days, 9 January, Friday

  10. Fall in love, even for a few seconds.

  This doesn’t seem so simple anymore.

  On a side note, went for an eye exam today, and the optometrist deemed I needed glasses. They should be ready in a week or so.

  48 Days, 10 January, Saturday

  Cleaned the house today, trying to keep myself busy so I don’t go insane from worry and dejection. It’s stupid. Got along fine before I met him, and now…