In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  36 Days, 22 January, Thursday

  So, Math exam. Guessed 47 of the 60 questions. I’m not expecting to pass that one. I’m pretty sure I did well in Physics though. I really understood it more than Math.

  Noah said something about the Math exam being very oddly worded. I agreed of course, and took solace in the fact that even a super genius like him had problems with the exam. However, I hardly think that ‘odd wording’ would stop him from attaining a perfect score.

  He did go home today. Which was scary. Pretty much everyone had cleared out of the Math exam early, and had gone home. We were alone in the bootroom, tugging on our winter gear.

  “Don’t worry. I will not tell him of your involvement.” He said.

  “That’s not what I’m worried about. I don’t want anything else to happen to you.”

  Noah smiled gently, “I love when you say things like that.”

  I touched his face gently, “I mean it. I’m serious, please don’t get hurt.”

  He covered my hand with his own. “I will try.”

  I wrapped his scarf around his neck, allowing him to bury his chin in the fuzzy folds. Noah reached into the pocket of his jacket, and a look of surprise passed across his face. He pulled a small object out of his pocket, holding it out to me in a closed fist. “My lord, I have remembrances of yours.”

  He dropped the ring he took back into my open hand.

  My heart swelled with happiness. “Thank you,” I breathed, sliding the ring back onto my finger. “Thank you.”

  All I could do was smile.

  We’re okay. We’re friends again.

  The circle of infinity has begun anew.

  English exam tomorrow! I’m not worried. I’m actually kind of excited to write. It’ll be neat to write something that isn’t this. I also am in love with the feeling after exams are over.

  I really don’t even care what my marks are at this point, I’m just happy the exams are over and done with.

  35 Days, 23 January, Friday

  Ah, good old Friday.

  Not much to report except for the fact that I have a lot of confidence about my English exam, and that Noah’s father is officially not home until Sunday, so he’s staying here tonight and tomorrow.

  Evidently, May is going to live with their aunt for the second semester of school, so that her advanced studies teacher won’t have to commute across the city every day.

  Noah seemed torn about this development. “Well, of course, I’m happy that May won’t have to be around him. But I’m going to miss having her around during the day.”

  I pictured them reading together, or playing the piano and laughing. Maybe even playing with toys. They’re good images. May is a wonderful sister.

  (Plus the idea of Noah laughing and smiling and having a tea party with May is one of the best visuals I’ve ever conjured up.)

  Noah seemed very preoccupied tonight though, something he hid under a placid smile. I was incredibly curious about what was on his mind, but didn’t ask.

  He should be allowed his own thoughts. I just seem nosy and annoying if I ask him about every single worried look he gets.

  Tobias showed up very briefly last night too. I’d almost forgotten.

  It was a really indistinct dream. His voice filtered through the bizarre string of images. The only thing I really remember from it was the one sentence that came in clearer than the others.

  “He’s thinking the same thoughts as me.”

  That’s all I can remember, but I’m not sure what it even means.

  But Tobias rarely (if ever) seems to be thinking anything good.

  I’m sort of scared, actually. That explains why Noah’s been so… You know, quiet’s not even the right word. He’s just been solemn all evening.

  I feel like something terrible is going to happen.

  It’s… ominous.

  But how do I prevent something if I don’t know what it is?

  34 Days, 24 January, Saturday

  Saturday is a weird day. Especially since Noah’s been so distracted. We stayed in all day too. He seemed extra interested in my journal today, for some reason, but I didn’t want to let him see.

  “Why not? What have you got written in there?”

  “Just… stuff…” I said slowly, closing it and tucking it beside me in my chair. “It’s just my thoughts.”

  “I see.” And then he was silent again.

  Terra got home at round five, and we adopted a sort of pseudo-being-happy mood. Both of us were kind of bristled by the awkward silence we shared all day.

  I don’t know if Terra noticed, but dinner felt really awkward to me. Both of us had a monosyllabic response to all of Terra’s questions. Even now, I’m finding it hard to write anything coherent or insightful.

  After supper, Noah bade us farewell.

  “Thank you for having me over again. I truly appreciate it. But I really mustn’t be absent when my father arrives home.” He said this with that weird placid smile firmly in place.

  We both hugged him goodbye, and I gave him a quick kiss.

  His smile was even more false when he left.

  I’m still feeling that consuming feeling of foreboding. Something terrible is going to happen. I know it, and I’m so freaked out.

  33 Days, 25 January, Sunday

  It snowed so much last night. It’s beautiful. I woke up at about five am, for some reason, and walked downstairs. I sat in the window and stared out at the fat flakes as they slowly descended, lit in bright yellow by the street lamps.

  It was a time for me to be insightful. The silence was reassuring, like the snow could sing to me that everything was going to work out fine, and I would actually hear it.

  I must have fallen asleep in the window, because I thought I saw Tobias outside, walking through the snow.

  He twirled through the snow, his white hair flowing and flicking with each gust of the flakes. The songs of the snow got louder, and his steps more rapid.

  Noah joined him after a moment, but was motionless amongst the thriving snow. Eventually, Tobias noticed Noah’s presence, and walked over to him.

  The snow cleared around them, and Tobias touched Noah’s face gently, saying something. Noah looked down, at something he was holding.

  I heard Tobias’ voice then, “You’re thinking those thoughts. They’re mine.”

  I woke up and stood up, mechanically climbing the stairs and getting back in bed. I don’t really remember even thinking anything at that time. My body felt like it was moving of its own accord.

  “Aerian! Wake up!” A voice shook me from my sleep, it took me a few seconds to realise it was Terra. I rolled over, and shoved my glasses on my face, my vision still kind of blurry.

  “What’s the matter, Terra? It’s not even noon yet…” I snuggled deeper into my bed. “I don’t have school today.” I mumbled, scrubbing my face to wake myself up.

  “Noah is here to see you.”

  “What?” I looked at the clock, reading the luminescent matchstick numbers, “At 8:30? Early… so early…”

  “Noah, he’s awake.”

  I sat up, inhaling a sharp breath as the cold air crept underneath my blankets. I looked up as Noah stepped into view, looking small and apologetic.

  “Good morning, Aerian. I’m sorry to have come here so early.”

  Terra just grinned when he said that, and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. “You’re always welcome here, any time of the day, Noah.” She looked at me accusingly, “And when you show up early, Aerian has a reason to get out of bed before noon.” She gave him another hearty squeeze, and then turned dramatically in the hallway with her hand waving above her. “And now I shall make pancakes! Aahaha!”

  We listened to her laughter down the hallway and then down the stairs, and I shook my head. I really hoped she wasn’t serious about the pancakes.

  “I’m sorry, Aerian. I wouldn’t have come if I had known you were still asleep.” Noah was lurking in the doorway, pointedly
looking away from my room.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I’ve never been in your room before. I feel as if I am trespassing.”

  “Mnmm, you’re not. C’mere.”

  “What?”

  “Come over here.”

  Noah still looked timid, and scratched his head as he approached. The white windbreaker he was wearing rustled as he walked, like he was crunching over autumn leaves. He stood at my bedside, looking at me with a thin blush working over his face.

  I grabbed his hand, and he must not have been expecting it, because he let out a small noise of surprise as I embraced him in the warm safety of my blankets. The fabric of his windbreaker was cool against my chest. Goosebumps worked all over me. Guhh.

  “Aerian?”

  “You could never trespass on anything that’s mine. I’d give you everything.”

  Noah was still and quiet, for a long stretch of time, and then he fidgeted a bit, making the sound of the windbreaker more obvious.

  “Would you like to take off your coat?” I asked, my fingers already moving toward the collar.

  “N-no…” he squirmed under my touch, and slid out of the bed. Shakily, he made to stand, but I grabbed his hand again.

  “Ehh, where you goin’?” I made to tighten my grip, but his hand was wet and slid out of my grasp.

  There was blood on my hand. Noah stopped, sinking to the floor.

  “Noah!” I jumped out of bed beside him, “Noah? Noah, what’s the matter?” I grabbed his shoulders, looking at him for some sign or expression, “Hey, speak to me!”

  “Sorry, Aerie…” Noah whispered, forcing out a strained chuckle, “No more adrenaline I guess…” he leaned into me, coughing quietly, “I knew I’d be safe here, so this is where I came… I’m sorry…”

  My hand wrapped around his bleeding wrist, “I’m going to kill him.” I said, gritting my teeth.

  Noah forced out another dry chuckle, “Ahh, you shouldn’t think things like that… I’m fine…” I could feel his emotions under my skin; repression, denial, and a sharp burning heartache.

  “You’re not fine!” I exploded, and he flinched, “Don’t say stuff like that! It hurts me to see you like this! Don’t you realise that every time he hits you, it hurts everyone who loves you too?!”

  “Aerie, you really are a good friend…” he sighed, and leaned back against the bed, his tenseness leaving in an instant.

  I mouthed a few words, realizing something when he said my name. When he first got here, he kept calling me by my full name. Something was wrong, he’s never called me that before. Maybe Tobias… or…? I swallowed, and then called for Terra.

  She thundered up the stairs after I heard a crashing sound. “I’ll start the car, yeah?” And then she was gone again.

  Noah was paler than usual, I knelt down, and made to pick him up, when…

  It was weird. Something was there, someone touched my hand. I stared forward, and for a second… I thought I saw someone there. The connection to this indistinct person shook me, and made me sit back.

  Noah chuckled that same false laugh, and raised both his hands. His left hand grazed my chest, and his right hovered in midair, “I get everything, huh…” he mumbled, “I’m so lucky… everything…”

  Something sparked in my mind, and for a moment, it felt like I was dreaming. The same dreamy mist fell over my eyes, and I think I was looking into some huge white space.

  I decided to call out to the person I saw, “Who are you? Why are you here?” Words spilled out of my mouth, as they sometimes do when I’m dreaming. I felt like a marionette, commanded to do or say whatever I was willed to. “Are you Adarcel? Where’s Talvi then?”

  A voice replied back, which was kind of freaky. “I’m Adarcel. Talvi is in the next world. Who are you?”

  The words jumped out of my mouth again, “I don’t know… I have no idea what’s happening here… I just sort of knew who you are.”

  “Casmaran… that’s you.”

  “What? Casmaran? Like the angel? Are you crazy?”

  “What? Angel?” The voice sounded as confused as I did.

  I regained my sense of self there, and I asked the question I actually cared about, “Why were you beside Noah?”

  “Noah… I visit him when I dream… I don’t know how, but I follow him in his dreams too. I usually can’t interact with anything, and no one ever sees me, except for this time, and one time with Noah’s sister.”

  Well, May is kind of weird like that.

  “Why? I don’t understand any of this. Am I hallucinating?” I figured a direct approach would be pertinent at this point.

  “I don’t think so…” His voice got quiet…

  “What? I can’t hear you! Hey!”

  His presence was gone, and I snapped back into my actual reality, holding Noah’s shoulder. It seemed no time had actually passed. That was by all accounts one of the weirdest experiences of my life, and so far, I haven’t really had the most normal life.

  As it turns out, Noah wasn’t as injured as the blood suggested. But… there was something about those cuts I didn’t like. They reminded me of the ones I had seen before, this first time he was here. The angles and depth were all wrong for defensive wounds.

  I bit my lip as I bandaged him up, realizing that all these wounds were self-inflicted.

  Why, why, why, why, why, why, why??????

  I don’t understand.

  “I’m sorry.” He said, and I just about hit the ceiling. I wanted to scream at him.

  Why would you do this to yourself? What possible reason is there for this? After everything I’ve done to keep you safe and unhurt, you go and do this to yourself? you can apologise a thousand times and it won’t mean anything anymore!!!

  But I couldn’t yell at him. Not when he’s looking at me like that. I reminded myself of my rule about anger.

  “Aerie… you should be angry.”

  “You know how I feel about being angry!!!” I roared, feeling incredibly hypocritical at that exact moment. Noah recoiled, pressing his back into the sofa and shrinking down, staring at me with those huge scared eyes.

  God dammit, he makes me so crazy.

  “Look.” I said, covering my face with my hand, “I’m sorry. I just get so frustrated.”

  Noah was silent, still trying to stuff himself between the couch cushions. I sat down beside him, taking his hand in my own. “So tell me, I’m not even going to ask. Tell me why you did this to yourself.”

  “Because I’m trying to stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “The reason my father beats me is because the curse demands I be hurt to save everyone else from it. I don’t want him to have to hurt me anymore. If I can do it myself, then…”

  “That’s stupid.”

  He closed his eyes, balling his hands into fists and hiding his eyes. “But it’s all I’ve got. I’ve tried everything else, and only this seemed to work.” A harsh sob broke from his lips, quickly stifled as he drew himself into a tight ball, hiding from me. “I have to do this. I have to. It’s less painful this way anyway.”

  I guess that makes sense in some twisted logic. At least this way he has some control over the pain.

  I sighed, pulling him beside me and comforting him as best I could. He cried openly into my shirt, whispering out a thousand apologies.

  But at a thousand and one…

  32 Days, 26 January, Monday

  A thousand and one.

  The last apology being for the fact that he left again.

  He went back there, god dammit.

  After all that.

  I was extra-aware of my heart and my ring today. Something in them kept humming into my awareness. Like he was calling for me through them or something.

  Today, I went on a huge cleaning rampage, and scoured every surface of the house. Terra didn’t even question what I was doing. No doubt she appropriated it to the frustration about everything that was emanating from me in waves.
<
br />   I went to bed earlier than I normally would have too. I just didn’t feel like dealing with being awake anymore.

  I wish he was here beside me.

  I wish I knew what he was thinking.

  31 Days, 27 January, Tuesday

  A landmark day. One month remaining.

  Tobias showed up again last night, as indistinct as the last time I saw/heard him.

  “You have to stop him. He is out of control.”

  His voice entered my mind like a poor radio transmission, varying in pitch and audibility. “He is trying to find a solution.” There was a dull sort of throbbing sound, “-the only one he can think of.”

  “Tobias!” I called, and the walls of his classroom shimmered into view.

  “This is unlike him-” Another breakup, “He said if it happens again-!”

  I called for him again, but this time, I rolled over in my own bed, staring up at the ceiling.

  Tobias sounded desperate, scared. It was weird, usually he’s kind of cool and composed, and cynical. More often than not, it seemed like he hated Noah.

  What is he warning me about?

  This coupled with the fact that Noah’s been acting strange all week, (cutting aside) is making me really nervous. I have such a bad feeling.

  Most of today passed in a blurry haze. I didn’t do much but read and write, and I made spaghetti for supper.

  Something is going to happen. I can feel the suspenseful drum thrumming in my chest. It’s resonating in every heartbeat.

  30 Days, 28 January, Wednesday

  Last night, yesterday, it’s all…

  It’s over, I guess.

  I’ll start from the beginning I guess.

  I had one of those dreams again. The ones where I wake up in the middle of the night and I’m somewhere else. This time, I woke up in Noah’s house. Or what I figured to be his house anyway. I just sort of knew that’s where I was.

  I confirmed this when I heard him cry out. I followed the sound of his voice, rushing through closed doors like a ghost. There was a huge clock, beside a calendar. It said 3:57 and 27 January.

  When I arrived in a room that was dimly lit by an overturned lamp, I saw him. Noah was crawling doggedly away from a large dark shape. It was hard to tell what the shape was, but I could guess humanoid. I assumed it was his father, his form encased and obscured by his hatred and anger.