In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  “Sure.”

  Now I’m here, and it’s getting later in the evening. I think Terra might be ordering in. I’m expecting a doorbell anytime.

  I think tomorrow’s going to be difficult.

  I know it, and now I’m positive I can trust my gut feelings.

  29 Days, 29 January, Thursday

  29 on the 29th. Huh, interesting.

  Last night, I had a nightmare. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, the dreams.

  But this one, it shook me, and made me question my reality.

  I dreamt of Noah, of course, of that night. The blood, the smell, the shine of the black pistol… and the look in his eyes…

  The way the events played out last night, though, it was different. I was there, watching him helplessly.

  “I won’t let you kill me anymore.”

  This is where it changed. Everything moved slower, the gun tilted upward, the cold barrel resting against his neck and pointed up.

  Tears fell from his eyes.

  Click. Bang.

  Blood sprayed against the white wall. He fell heavily to the floor, and the gun landed beside him.

  Everything around me started to scream. I rushed over to him, taking him in my arms.

  Blood was pouring from his skull, drenching the ground, like it is in Tobias’ classroom. It was hot and slimy on my fingers. A huge burning flower scorched his neck, distorting the shape of his jaw.

  Everything was wet with his blood, it ran down the walls, and streamed from his broken body.

  This was wrong. This already happened. He’s not dead.

  Everything stopped.

  I blinked, and I was in that empty place. Alone.

  His blood was still on my hands.

  Click. Bang.

  I woke up.

  I jumped out of bed immediately, and ran down the stairs, down into his room. I had to know he was there, and that he was alive.

  Noah stirred when I turned the light on, covering his eyes and looking at me blearily. He’s alive…

  Flicking off the light, I crossed the room, and stood at his bedside, my hands hovering over him, as he looked at me in bewilderment. “Aerie…?”

  As soon as he spoke, my hands fell onto him, and I pulled him close, burying my face in his bony collarbone. “You scared me. You were dead. You killed yourself.”

  “Aerie… I’m not dead. You dreamt of this?”

  I nodded, and he returned the hug, gently rubbing circles into my back. “Sometimes, a dream is simply a dream. It’s okay for it to not mean anything.”

  “But you-“

  “It was only a dream, Aerie. I… I wouldn’t kill myself.” I could hear his heart beat quicken, “Not as long as I have you.”

  But, he was going to kill himself. When I got there, he was about to-

  Dammit. Tobias. He’d taken over. He was going to kill himself, and Noah, in the process. It only clicked just now. I’m so angry with him. I’ve always tried to help them, and then Tobias goes and does this?

  “Would you like to stay here? I’ll protect you.” Noah moved over on the bed, and lifted the blanket for me.

  I nodded again, sliding into bed beside him.

  This is how love works. We both protect each other. I was calm again in minutes, at peace knowing he was holding me, and that he was alive.

  It breaks my heart to think of him when I’m gone. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want him to die because of it. He said it, didn’t he? That he wouldn’t kill himself as long as he has me.

  But what about when I’m gone? Would he really try to kill himself? As this occurred to me, I felt tears slowly leak from my eyes. I held him tighter, gritting my teeth against the cry forming in my throat.

  “Aerie… it’s okay if you have to cry. I’ve always been told it’s weak to cry, but I think the opposite. You have to be strong to cry, because only with weakness can you ever appreciate your strength.”

  So I cried. In the dim illumination offered by the hall light, I could see him wipe the tears from my face and smear them down his face.

  “I will share your tears.” He whispered, and continued to do this until I was completely spent. I fell asleep again, finding his hand and keeping a hold on it.

  When I awoke next, he was already awake, “Good morning.” He said pleasantly, “Are you feeling better?”

  I considered this, and then decided I was. There were still a million questions buzzing through my mind, but asking them would only make the mood serious. So I’ll write them here, and ask them another day.

  Who were the kids who died?

  How are you responsible for what happened to your mother?

  Do you even know what you were doing that night?

  Where did you go all that time you were gone?

  What made you lose your voice when you came back?

  After our basic morning rituals, (face-washing, shaving, hair-brushing) we got to work making breakfast. Terra emerged from her bedroom, looking grumpy and unkempt. Before she could say anything, Noah presented her with a huge cup of coffee in her joe mug.

  Terra grinned, and sat down in he chair as we got the rest of breakfast ready.

  “It’s like you never left, Sailor.” She smiled, sipping her coffee.

  “It would be nice to pretend I never had.” He smiled back, sitting down across from her.

  There was something bittersweet in that statement, but I let it go, busying myself with flipping pancakes.

  Today passed quite pleasantly, probably because I had the good sense to not bring up anything that would kill the mood. Terra was obviously working under the same practice, and steered away from anything involving painful subject matter.

  That paragraph seems kind of wordy. Meh. I think it’s clear enough anyway.

  I reluctantly went to my own room to sleep. I’m beginning to become accustomed to being near him at night. Like he said, he protects me.

  Being alone almost feels like sleeping without a blanket, strange, unnatural, and uncomfortable. It makes it almost impossible to sleep.

  Oh well. I’ll try to sleep anyway.

  28 Days, 30 January, Friday

  Today was actually kind of awesome. We went shopping, and bought a ton of food. It’s always really satisfying to come home with a whole big schwack of food. The possibilities of meals and snacks are endless!

  We bought stuff to make pies with too. The whole thing reminded me of Christmas, when I bought all that food to make for the party. I sort of wish that we could have skipped this whole month.

  I guess it was a growing experience though. I mean, I really appreciate the peace we have right now, even if I’m going to wreck it with questions later. I have to ask them. This month won’t feel over until I have the answers.

  Tonight, we had a tiny party, at Terra’s suggestion. She invited all her bar buddies over, and of course a crazy musical party ensued. It was incredibly reminiscent of Christmas time; I think that was Terra’s intention.

  Noah seemed to fully enjoy himself; his only lament was that he couldn’t really play the piano on account of his sling.

  “That is a shame, huh?” I sat next to him on the piano bench, where he tapped the key cover with a longing look.

  “It is.” He said, “I know a happy song that would be very appropriate.”

  “How does it go?” I asked.

  “Sort of like… dun dun dun! Danananana! Dun dun dun!” He laughed, “It’s called ‘Heart and Soul’. I think it would be fun to play.”

  “Oh!” I did know that one. “We could play it anyway!”

  “But…”

  “You’re amazing, you can do it. I kinda know that one.”

  “Alright…” He grinned and lifted the key cover. “Shall we?”

  We started, and he picked up his part very well, even with only his left hand. Soon after we started, the other music dimmed out, and everyone started singing. I honestly didn’t know this song had words. I thought I was j
ust a fun easy song. Well, I guess this is the new thing I learned today.

  Afterwards, everyone clapped, except for Noah, on account of his sling. So I clapped extra loud for him.

  I love the parties hosted by Terra. Nothing seems terrible when you’re in the midst of so many happy people.

  I looked up the lyrics later, and they went like this, just lovely. A little cheesy, but lovely nevertheless.

  Heart and soul, I fell in love with you,

  Heart and soul, the way a fool would do,

  Madly...

  Because you held me tight,

  And stole a kiss in the night...

  Heart and soul, I begged to be adored,

  Lost control, and tumbled overboard,

  Gladly...

  That magic night we kissed,

  There in the moon mist.

  Oh! but your lips were thrilling, much too thrilling,

  Never before were mine so strangely willing.

  But now I see, what one embrace can do,

  Look at me, it's got me loving you,

  Madly...

  That little kiss you stole,

  Held all my heart and soul.

  Something like, his heart and soul, are mine forever. And mine are his.

  Tonight, before he went to bed, I gave him a kiss. We haven’t kissed since he came back, so this seemed more special.

  27 Days, 31 January, Saturday

  For some reason, the prospect of only having 27 days left with him is worse than anything. The number 27 seems to hold a terrifying power over my life. It freaks me out. So go figure that this would be the day all my questions would be answered.

  Well, except one that he skirted around, I guess.

  I didn’t press him for the answer; some things are better left unknown.

  The day started with a heavy cleanup of the living room and kitchen. Among the things in the clean up, we found Sean sleeping on the sofa, covered in a blanket, which was covered in a mandolin, a bodhran, and several bags of chips.

  We decided to leave him there, and went up to my room. Noah was still kind of nervous about going into my room.

  “What’s the matter? It’s just my bedroom.”

  “Yes, but this is your private space. I truly feel like a trespasser.”

  “Remember what I said, I’d give you anything. Everything that’s mine is yours.”

  Noah smiled, and sunk onto the bed beside me.

  I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, “There, you see? It’s alright, this is your space too.”

  “I understand.”

  We lay there in contented silence for a while, until I felt I had to break it with those questions.

  “Would you answer some questions for me?”

  “I would.” He answered, his voice betraying no emotion. I could tell by the way his jaw set that he probably wasn’t too pleased to answer them.

  “They’re kind of… hmm.”

  “What is your first question?”

  I decided to ask them in order, god knows I reread them enough to have them memorized. “Who were the kids who died?”

  His lips pressed together, before they parted and he spoke, with measured slowness, “My friends. I did have friends a long time ago. We were nearly inseparable, the three of us. But after I was cursed, they both became very ill when they were around me, and eventually… they died. I still remember how they refused to stop being my friends, even though I told them about my curse. They were stubborn, like you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It is my largest source of guilt, the thought of them if they were still alive. They’d be happy, and successful, I know it. They were both so… bright.” He paused, “But now they’re gone.”

  I grabbed his hand, about to say something else when he interrupted.

  “What is your second question?”

  I furrowed my brow, “Wait, isn’t this painful for you?”

  “Of course.” Noah sighed, closing his eyes, “But you just gave me everything. This is the least I can do.”

  This next question seemed horribly insensitive. I bit my lip, but asked it anyways, “How are you involved in what happened to your mother?”

  He answered with the same even emotionless voice as before. I guess it was easier to just explain everything like that rather than get too emotionally involved. “My mother worked hard to reverse the effects of my first curse. She tried every psychic and spiritual healer she could find. But nothing would work. I remember, they’d test me by making me touch flowers. They’d all wilt and die, within a few minutes. That’s the part I hated. I didn’t like killing all those flowers.” He paused, tracing his lips with his fingers, “Eventually, she began to blame my father for what happened, just because of the coincidental timing of everything. After he hit me for the first time is when this curse started. She hated him more every day, I could see it. Then, on my twelfth birthday, she finally confronted him, and he killed her. Even though the ground was covered in snow, he dug a hole in the garden and threw her in it. I watched him. It took him hours to dig the hole. It was snowing as he dug, and it snowed all night as well. In the morning, you couldn’t even tell anything had been disturbed.” Noah allowed a moment of silence, “What is your third question?”

  “Where did you go all that time you were gone this month?”

  “I went to the shelter, the one where May and I would frequent during Christmas. They allowed me a small room for a few days, and then I was politely told to leave, to make room for a bunch of older people. So I stayed on the street, and found a group of people who were in a similar situation to myself. I was the youngest there, though. Eventually, several things happened, and I left again. All I really remember about the last days I spent alone was the cold. I found a blanket, and some clothes, and a doorway outside a restaurant that was always warm. The last day, I was trying to find my way to the shelter again, because I was feeling very ill, when I saw you. I ran away because I… because I didn’t want you to see me in such a state.”

  I couldn’t even find words, absorbing everything he said. I wanted to just hold him, and not hear any more. But I started this, and I have to finish it. “Why did you lose your voice?”

  “I told you before that I didn’t speak since I left you. Not to anyone. I didn’t speak or make a sound. Not even when…” He bit his lip, a crimson blush burning his cheeks. He tried again, “Not even when-” At this, I touched his face, feeling the heat of his shame beneath my hand.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me everything that happened.”

  Noah nodded, swallowing. He lifted his hand to his face, hiding his eyes. “Do you have any more questions?”

  “The last one, I promise. Do you remember what you were doing that night? The night you got shot?”

  “It’s very confusing, I remember arguing with him, and being shot. After the shot, I only remember you speaking to me, and then being taken to the hospital. This is another thing I have forgotten. It seems so important though.” Noah’s eyes darkened, “I feel as if I am losing myself in these forgotten memories.”

  I thought of Tobias then. He must have been the reason. I’m sure of it now. I think I hate him. Tobias is trying so hard to kill them. I don’t want either of them to die.

  Why can’t he understand that?

  Noah lay beside me after spilling all of his story, covered in the crimson shame of the memories. If memory was a colour, it would be red, burning and twisting in our hearts. It exists in memories of black and white, corroding the fidelity of the images and dialogue of the past.

  I held him close, feeling the red of his memories spatter me and soak into my skin.

  That’s what Tobias lives in. It’s not the blood they’ve lost, it’s the blood red memories they’ve gained.

  Swimming in memories, that’s what he’s going to drown in.

  It’s only our memories that destroy us in the end.

  Keep this in memory.

  January

 
/end.

  February.

  26 Days, 1 February, Sunday

  Now, of all the months so far, February is the one that I’ve been dreading the most. Just the sound of it. February sounds like some cold unforgiving deity, whose sole purpose in life is to just bring misfortune to all those around him.

  Alternatively, February is also the month for lovers, which seems even more powerful when it’s juxtaposed with my preconceptions about its ties to misfortune. I mean, from what I’ve heard, everything really horrible that’s ever happened to Noah was in February.

  This month just holds such an apprehension for everything, on both sides of the spectrum. I think it’s going to be a beautiful month, full of joy and laughter, but the ending…

  Well.

  It’s hard to think that I’m never going to see the first of March. I would dearly love to write that down, and just lie to the page.

  -2 Days, 1 March, Sunday

  The 27th of February is the most important day of my life. (As far as I know.) And so it only makes sense that it should be what I make my world revolve around.

  How nice it would be to count back from that day instead of counting down to it. I think I would continue to write it like that.

  It’s odd to think about my future. Like graduation, and then the freedom of summer, and then going farther in the world. I’d have huge aspirations if I knew anything would ever come of them.

  I think I shall remain optimistic about the days to come. If I allow myself to get all depressed like I did before… well, I don’t want to even imagine it.

  So I’m going to just be my normal bumbling dopey-smile guy. That persona seems to make everyone happy. That’s my goal for this month. I’m going to bring happiness to everyone around me.

  I know that’s what they’ll miss when I’m gone, but that’s also what they’ll remember me by.

  25 Days, 2 February, Monday

  So, new semester started today, and I have, in order; French, Chemistry, Lunch Break, Biology, and then Art.

  I elected to take Art for two reasons. First, because it seems really fun, and secondly, because Noah’s in that class. I would have had Calculus otherwise, but the idea of taking Calculus without Noah to help me seems really futile.