Love Disorder

by Yuriko Hime

  Tried as I might, I really had no remembrance of this place. It was just an old shell of a building. A thing of the past. I caught Blaze looking around. She didn't miss a spot. Her gaze would roam from the walls to the ceiling, to every corner and minute details. If she did remember anything, she gave me no hint as to what it was.

  Our footsteps echoed on the tiles as we walked. Blaze probably got tired of the repetitive pattern of sound, so she attempted to make a conversation with me. "Are you dying to know what happened to your real parents?" she said. Though Bianca and Carter were looking away, I could feel that they wanted to know my answer too.

  "No I don't." Blaze looked surprised with my answer. "You might think it's weird," I said. "I've read articles online that some adopted people even pay investigators to search for their long lost relatives. Most would do everything to find out, but I won't. I've accepted long ago that if my biological parents wanted me back, they would have searched for me through the years." I feigned a smile. "No calls, no letters, no attempts to talk to me. Absolutely nothing. Why should I search for someone who didn't want me?"

  I couldn't paint the expression on Blaze's eyes. Sympathy, burning curiosity, understanding, and anger were hidden behind the blue. "I might be curious with what happened to us in this place," I told her. "Aside from that? I'm happy not knowing." I turned my face away so she wouldn't see my aggravation. Being in this place was giving me mixed emotions about the past. Something I thought I've come to terms with when I was younger.

  "Here's the pathway to the inner layer guys," Carter announced loudly. His voice was a welcomed distraction to my frustrating thoughts. He didn't meet my eyes when I glanced at him. He'd asked me the same question when we were younger. He always said that I was in denial.

  The inner place was no different from where we came from. More boarded windows. More peeling paint. There were offices here and there, most of them unlabeled. "Here's the office of the coordinator," Blaze said, pointing to a sign on the door. She turned the knob and was delighted to find it open.

  "There's also the office of the counselor," Bianca said, nudging her chin to the opposite room down the hall. "I'll check with Carter."

  It was just down the hall. It wouldn't hurt to split up this time. "Okay," I said. "Call us when you see anything important."

  "Will do," she said, tugging at Carter's shirt.

  Blaze and I were left alone to check the coordinator's office. She gave me a quick smile before stepping in. It was brighter inside compared to the hallway. I put my phone on sleep mode and tucked it in my pocket. We wouldn't be needing extra light here. "This office must be next to the activity area in the middle part outside," Blaze said. She walked in long strides to the table at the head of the room.

  "Must be," I answered, glancing around. One wall decoration caught my interest. It said, There are no unwanted children. Just unfounded families- National Adoption Center.

  "As expected, the drawers are empty," Blaze said. She came to my side and stared wistfully at the design on the wall. "Couldn't have said it better," she said, agreeing with quote. "My adoptive parents were always difficult. They didn't want me to pursue acting. They were always hush, hush about things too. Looking at it now, I realize that they were just protecting me from the past." Blaze gazed meaningfully at me. "But they can't protect me forever, just as much as you can't pretend that you're unaffected by your biological parents."

  "What am I supposed to do, cry?"

  "In Psychology, acceptance goes hand in hand with understanding the reality of a situation. Of embracing it without trying to change a thing. You haven't gotten there love. You're not in peace with the past, like me."

  "You sound just like Uno," I said. "I didn't mean to offend you by making comparisons. I know you're Blaze. It's just that, she loves explaining too." I licked my lips.

  "Maybe somewhere along the way, I'm beginning to accept that she's a part of me," she whispered. "Maybe." Blaze's didn't take her eyes from me. Her intense stare made my heart race and my skin uncomfortably flushed. Why was she so serious all of a sudden? She brushed her thumb on my lip. "Don't lick your lips like that again except when we're in the house," she said. "It's very distracting." Oh.

  Blaze dropped her hand and walked hurriedly away from me. I sagged next to the wall as she left the room. There were times when I'd feel like she and Uno were one. It didn't happen often like this, but when it did, I would always have a desire to rip her clothes and pounce on her.

  My three companions were huddled in the corner when I got out of the room. "What's going on?" I said as I went to them.

  Bianca focused her light on a pathway. "We've found the stairs leading down, but we're hearing a strange sound like there's water in there." I gagged at the awful smell that hit my nose as I went closer. "It's like a sewer," Bianca remarked, saying exactly what I was thinking.

  "A pipe must have burst, or something might have leaked out of the system," Blaze explained. She wrapped her arms around my waist in welcome. "Whatever it was that happened, we can't go down." She turned to Carter. "Did you find anything important in the counselor's office?"

  "Not a thing," he said. "The room was emptied out. What about you guys?" Blaze and I shook our heads. "You didn't remember anything either?"

  "The place looks as meaningful to me as it is with you," I said gravely. I fixed my gaze on the hallway. We still had to try. "Why don't we go back where we came from? We can search the rooms in the outer layer and see what we can come up with." All of us got into agreement. We left the inner layer, along with the putrid scent, and backtracked.

  I've been mentally preparing myself for when we enter the rooms, but I still felt lost and vulnerable when we made our way to one. The room we went inside to was labeled Ward A. Like its name, it resembled a hospital ward more than a place to house children who had no families to go home to.

  My stomach tied into knots as I stared at the numerous beds on either side of the large room. They were bereft of mattresses or designs. The space was very utilitarian- no-frills, white walls, boarded windows. I glanced at Blaze who was staring around the room dreadfully. Did she and I? Did we perhaps sleep here as children?

  My train of thought was disturbed by Bianca's squeak. "Sorry," she said sheepishly to us. She stooped low to pick something from the floor. She was holding an old doll when she stood. One of its button eyes was missing.

  The longer I stared around, the more the room seemed to grow smaller around me. The walls were getting closer. Sweat appeared on my upper lip. I was beginning to feel the panic that I once experienced in the elevator. "I need air," I declared. "Go on and continue your search. I'll just stand outside for a while." I gave Blaze a convincing smile before heading to the door.

  I ran blindly on the hallway until I got outside, next to the car. The bright light burned my eyes, making me blink rapidly. I put my hand on my knee and swallowed mouthfuls of air, fighting to keep the acid at the back of my throat. I wiped my forehead. Why did I feel like that again? It didn't make any sense.

  My confusion was replaced by anxiousness when a patrol car stopped next to me. Damn! Did someone tell the police that we broke in or was vandalizing the building? The windows rolled down, and I found myself staring at two police officers who were giving me a look that said, you're not supposed to be there.

  "Good afternoon kiddo," the officer closest to me said.

  I gulped and nodded. "Good afternoon officers." I looked over my shoulder to the institution, hoping that Blaze and my friends wouldn't follow me here now. The timing would be so wrong.

  I was about to ask if I was in trouble when the officer showed me a paper. It was a printed picture of a man. "Have you seen this fella?" Officer asked.

  "N-no." I glanced at them. "Is there a problem?"

  The officer who was in the driver's seat flicked the paper. "Are you sure miss? Take a good look at the picture again." I gave them a doubtful look. I was pretty sure I've never seen the person in my life, but if
they wanted me to check, I couldn't do anything but follow. Leaning closer, I took one last look. Beard. Beard. Nothing but overgrown beard that hid the rest of his thin face. The person had deep set eyes too. He was concentrated on the camera.

  "He doesn't look familiar," I said as I straightened. "Is he a criminal?"

  The officer holding the paper sighed and placed the picture on his lap, away from my view. "We've been looking for the guy for months," he said. "He escaped from a facility."

  "Oh come on Barney," the officer in the driver seat complained. "Stop giving classified information away. If the chief finds out about this, she'll give us a mouthful again." He shook his head disappointingly and stared at me. "It doesn't matter who he is. The man in the picture is a dangerous person. Call the station if you spot him."

  They were driving away when my friends came out of the institution. "What is that about?" Blaze asked, nudging her head to the retreating patrol car.

  I frowned. "I think a patient with mental illness got out."

  Chapter 34. Amiss

  Life wasn't as they portrayed in cartoons. Birds wouldn't swoop in to save us when we were in trouble. There were no wicked witches to poison us with apples. If there was, it would be our minds playing tricks on us in the form of anxiety. And there was definitely no Prince Charming or Knight in Shining Armor. There was only me in a black sweater, faded jeans, and beat up boots, trying to figure out how to retrieve my girl's lost past.

  I've scratched the Holy Angels institution off the list. There was nothing there for us but broken dolls and a decaying building. So what else could I do? I've written the possible solutions in my notebook, but each of them lead to a dead end. Simone and Gerald didn't know anyone associated with Holy Angels except for my mom. However, they did promise to speak with their business colleagues who loved to donate to charities. Maybe one of them have donated to Holy Angels before and knew about the situation there.

  In his free time, Carter would call adoption centers and inquire about information pertaining to Holy Angels. However, all of them couldn't give anything exact, seeing that it was closed down years ago. Bianca was trying to persuade her uncle to tell him what he knew. Problem was he was working in a different department when Holy Angels was still operational, so he couldn't dig up any information regarding it. He risked his job already by letting us borrow the key.

  I wished there was something more I could do aside from packing the clothes we'd be taking with us. In two weeks we'd go to the island for the film shoot. It felt like we were losing precious time. I wanted to solve the mystery as early as now to help Uno and Blaze. Speaking of the girls, Blaze poked her head inside the room stealthily. She thought I didn't see her since I was busy folding her jeans. The blue hair she sported for the movie betrayed her.

  "If we were playing a game, you've already lost," I said. She sighed as she opened the door wider and stepped inside. "You're welcome to enter your bedroom anytime." I chuckled. "I'm only borrowing your closet for a while."

  She sat beside me on the floor, crossing her leg. "Do we have to take that many?" she asked. I caught her eyeing the open duffel bags in front of us. She wasn't really concerned about the number of clothes we were taking but the amount of colorful stuff I was placing inside the bag. She still wasn't comfortable with anything other than black. If it was up to her, she'd wear the same thing for the rest of her life.

  I folded her jeans properly on my lap. It smelled faintly of fabric conditioner. "Yup," I said. "We're going to a remote location. We don't get to buy clothes while we're there. Might as well bring everything we need."

  Blaze took a yellow shirt from the bag disdainfully. "This is too bright for my taste. Even the wardrobe we'd be using for the film is mostly black. Why do you have to include this monstrosity?" She wagged the shirt in the air. "I'm a movie actress. You're making me look like a sunflower."

  I yanked the shirt from her and shoved it inside the bag. "Out." She stuck her tongue at me. I pushed her. "I said out. You're getting in my way. I need to finish packing so I can go to my meetings early."

  "Why don't you just call Doctor Sanders?" she asked. "You said it yourself. We'll be leaving in two weeks. Don't I deserve some alone time with my girl before we get surrounded by crews for months?" Blaze gave me a suggestive look. She has been playing the guilt game with me for days. Whenever I'd pack, she'd drag me to the sofa and demand to cuddle. It made it hard for me to prepare.

  "Nice try," I said, pushing her one more time. "I really have to do this or you'll have nothing to wear. We don't want everyone to complain about how smelly you are because you keep repeating the same clothes." She pouted. Blaze didn't like it when her puppy dog eyes didn't work on me. "Besides, I'm meeting with Mr. Prestuso in the afternoon, so might as well go to Doctor Sanders office too. I'm also saying goodbye to Carter. He's been panicking at the thought of not seeing me for months. You know how clingy he is."

  Blaze raised her hands and stood. "Fine, I surrender. I know when I'm not wanted." Her shoulders sagged as she turned her back to me. I felt guilty with her reaction. Maybe I should spend more time with her. I was about to tell her that when she glanced over her shoulder with a smile. "Just kidding," she said. "Go and do your thing baby. Just make sure to come home to me after everything." She continued to the door.

  "I love you," I said. "Everything I'm doing is for us. You know that right?"

  She paused but didn't turn her head to me. "I love you too. She and I."

  Doctor Sanders was waiting for me in her office. She was seated on the sofa, eyeglasses on, a red scarf over her neck as her usual fashion statement, and a book opened on her lap. She turned the page when I came in. "Good afternoon," she murmured, her eyes focused on the book.

  "Hello Doctor." I removed my coat and hung it on the hook next to a red umbrella. I wasn't intimidated with the Doctor anymore. In fact, her office has become a sort of sanctuary for me whenever I'd visit. She didn't need to invite me to sit. We both knew the drill.

  Doctor Sanders finally closed the book, placing it on the table beside her. She acknowledged my grin with her own polite smile. Though I didn't go here as much as I wanted because of the busy schedule, Doctor Sanders has become my confidante aside from Carter.

  "We're leaving in two weeks," I said. "And we still haven't figured out her past."

  "Mind telling me why you're in such a hurry?" I gave her a quizzical stare. She intertwined her fingers and said, "These things take time Riri. After uncovering her past, we still need to do psychotherapy. It won't be easy. The mind is more complex than a machine or any computer will ever be. Finding the missing formula does not guarantee an immediate solution. You do understand this, right?"

  I stared at my knees and nodded. She had been telling me this ever since she noticed how upset I was that we were getting nowhere with Holy Angels. "I know that, Doctor," I said. "But I want to help Uno and Blaze so bad."

  She sighed and removed her glasses. "Let's forget for a second that I'm a Doctor and pretend that I'm an ordinary friend who is curious about your life."

  "You are my friend," I said.

  "As a friend, let me ask you a very personal question. How much does solving Uno and Blaze's problem have to do with your sex life?" Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "What you do with your personal time is not up to me, and it is to your discretion if you want to answer."

  I couldn't help but smile in embarrassment. "A lot." I fiddled with my fingers. "This, err." I swallowed. It felt like she was giving me the talk that I missed out with mom. "I feel a lot of things when I'm with her." My face grew hotter. "That's why I'm careful not to kiss her with tongue or touch her too intimately. I think the problem is not the deed itself but who to do it with for the first time. I don't want to risk either Uno or Blaze being hurt."

  "I understand where that thought is coming from," she said. "Have you tried talking to both of them regarding the subject?

  "Yes, I've discussed the matter with Blaze and Uno. It was not a p
retty talk. Blaze called me a cheater for even thinking about doing it with Uno first. While she now understands that they need each other, she said that she'll break up with me if that happens." I pinched my forehead. Just thinking about it gave me a migraine. "Uno didn't want to talk about it at all. She said it was either with her first, or it shouldn't happen."

  "Hmmm. That is very problematic," Doctor Sanders said. She contemplated while staring at the book on the table. "I am not a sex therapist, but I can refer you to a friend of mine if you like." I shook my head fiercely. "Are you sure? She can advice you better on the subject, maybe tell you how to cope with the absence of that activity in your relationship."

  "I'm pretty sure," I rushed. "I guess I just have to find ways to, uhh, release." I squirmed uncomfortably on my chair. This was one subject that I didn't like discussing with anyone aside from the girls.

  "Very well." She wore her glasses. Doctor Sanders wasn't the curious friend anymore. She was back to being the professional. "By the way," she said. "I'm confident that you came here because you want an update on the favor you're asking. I've contacted my old colleagues and friends in the same profession. They're willing to help me search for counselors who might have worked for Holy Angels. Cross your fingers."

  She didn't mean it literally but I still crossed mine and showed it to her. Doctor Sanders chuckled. "It's good to see you acting your age," she said. "Sometimes I forget that you've just reached adulthood." She gave me a meaningful stare. I've finally come clean to her that I wasn't of legal age when she first introduced DID to me. Miraculously, she didn't get mad for the white lie. "Sometimes you're too serious for your own good."

  "I have no choice," I admitted. "I have to take care of everyone."