Love Disorder

by Yuriko Hime

  Blaze rushed to my side with the speed of a raging bull. She began cutting the rope with such fervent ferocity that I've never seen anyone do, except in the movies. The more she saw with the knife, the tighter it seemed to loop around me. Somehow it felt like I was being choked with the rope, its very fibers chaffing, digging in my skin. I couldn't breathe though my nose was uncovered. That was what panic did to me.

  The door slammed open. Blaze wasn't done with the rope yet. There was a moment of pure silence as she and Prestuso acknowledged each other's presence. I heard the drip drip of the water in the background. It felt like poison entering my system, putting me in a deep state of shock where I could do nothing but cower, wishing I was someplace else. I waited for them to do something, anything. Half of me expected Blaze to run for her life, away from the man, while another wanted her to cut me free from the rope.

  All of my expectations vanished when she dropped the knife to the floor. It made a clanging sound as it bounced on the ground. I stared at her, bug eyed. Blaze was inches from me, completely immobile. I wanted to reach for her hands, but my own was tied. "What are you doing?" I said. "Blaze?" My questions were met with deaf ears. I glanced worriedly at Prestuso. His deadpan expression gave nothing away. "Wake up Blaze!" I yelled. "Wake up!"

  Prestuso chuckled, as if he was enjoying a private joke. He shook his head amusedly and shrugged. With one last smile at me, he stooped low and dragged something inside the room. My eyes almost popped out of its socket when I saw an outline of a leg. He heaved as he lugged the rest of the body where I could see it, under the harsh glare of the fluorescent light.

  He finally let go. I wasn't focused on his heavy breathing, but the familiar black shoes of the person that he unceremoniously brought in. "No," I murmured in denial. Prestuso moved closer to the head part and tilted her chin so I could see who it was. "You monster!" I cried. Doctor Sanders had her eyes closed like she was just sleeping. Devoid of her eyeglasses, she looked more defenseless than I've ever seen her. Dried blood marked her pale temple. I recoiled at the sight. I was just talking to her.

  "Here she is!" Prestuso said with a flourish of his hand. "Our very special guest, Doctor Sanders!" He stood. I wanted to tell him not to move so he wouldn't step on her, but I was too busy trying not to throw up to say anything. "I hate shrinks," he said. "They think they're so cool because they study the mind. Bah! What do they know? They're all shit!"

  I cast a downward glance. I couldn't bear looking in their direction. "What did she ever do to you?" I said.

  He didn't hesitate as he ticked it off with his fingers. "One, she's a shrink. Two, her red scarf is horrendous. And three, she was about to call you after you've left her office to tell you about me. I mean, let's be reasonable here Riess. I've done everything to be reunited with you children. You don't expect me to have a shrink like her destroy it all, right?" He snapped his fingers. "Look at me while I'm talking to you child." I forced my eyes to him. "Good." He sounded pleased. "It was hard enough to track the counselor I've worked with in the past. Goodness, she had to tell Sanders about me too. Despicable, completely despicable."

  "I'm not your child. You're a very sick man." I turned to Blaze. She was a statue, unhearing, unseeing. I worried for her as much as I did with myself. Did she go into shock at seeing the man? "Save yourself baby," I said, trying to get through her head. "Run!" Blaze's eyes remained vacant as she stood catatonically in her own world.

  Prestuso rolled his eyes. "Save yourself baby. Run," he said, mimicking me in his gravelly deep voice. "Why would she run when she's finally home? Both of you are." Prestuso brought his arms rigidly to his side and marched like a soldier to us. He stopped beside Blaze.

  "No!" Leave her alone!" I struggled through the ropes, hoping that I could break free and save us. It was useless. I was a pebble fighting through the waves of an ocean.

  I whimpered for Blaze when Prestuso placed his claws on her chin. "Welcome home my child," he whispered. "I have to admit. The two of you have been my favorite from the start. Little Riess and Erin, always together. Always protecting each other." He scowled and let go of Blaze. "Since we're in a sharing mood, I might as well tell you something about me. I was raised by my grandparents. Nana was a goody old housewife like most of the women in their time." He put his hands behind him. "Granddad was a soldier."

  I watched him walk across the length of the room, his back straight. "Corporal punishment was a big thing back then. Whipping is not uncommon, especially if you've been a naughty child." His eyes gleamed when he pivoted and stared at me. "I've seen it all- canes, whips, belts, sticks. You name it. When I acted out, Nana and Grandpa would hang me upside down and whip me like the awful child I was."

  My lips trembled. "That's barbaric," I said.

  "It made me tough. It made me into a man." He tapped his temple. "It's all in the head. I had to be broken so they could make me into what I am."

  "A monster," I blurted.

  He sneered. "A great father." Prestuso walked purposefully to us. "With my discipline and what money we had, I studied hard and became the head of this institution. It was only natural for me to raise my children in the same way I was brought up. You kids were always loud, always giggling." He looked disgustedly at me. "You ran around the hallway like you owned the place. Why, I had to punish you of course! That's how I make you into decent human beings." My heart sank as realization dawned on me.

  He stared wistfully at the ceiling like he was remembering something nice. "I'd call the children for inspection and have you all line up in a room." He nodded to himself. "You deserved the discipline. It if it wasn't for me—"

  "If it wasn't for you she wouldn't be screwed up like that," I accused. My hand tightened into a fist. I've never understood what hate was until now. This monster preyed on innocent children and made them as damaged as he was.

  "Screwed up?" he said, sounding like he couldn't believe what he heard. "Erin became a success! If it wasn't for the discipline I gave her, she wouldn't have anything. She'd be dirt. A vagabond. You in the meantime turned out to be a disappointment." He studied me from head to foot. "Look at you. You think you're great with your business and whatnot, but you talk to your father like a bad child." I was stunned to see his eyes soften. He reached for my face. "I'm sorry Riess. This is all my fault."

  His touch on my face was like hot iron burning my skin. I spit on him. He stepped away and wiped his cheek disgustedly with the back of his hand. I've never felt more satisfied. "This is what I'm talking about!" he said angrily. "I've never had the chance to discipline you like the others. Erin would always hide you when I'm around. She received all the discipline meant for you."

  He leaned closer. I could smell his foul breath when he said, "You think she's insane, but you have no one but yourself to blame for it. If you didn't hide from me, Erin wouldn't have to rely on Sanders in the future." He laughed. "That's right. You're a very naughty child, so papa has to punish you." He began to unbuckle his belt.

  "What are you going to do?" I said. "Blaze, do something!" I struggled against the rope. "Blaze, please wake up. I need you!"

  "Erin acknowledges the need for discipline," he said. Prestuso set his belt free from his pants and made a loop with it. "Don't you, Erin?" He stepped to her and threatened to hit her face with the belt.

  Blaze moved for the first time in minutes. She dropped to the floor and cowered, her hands placed protectively over her head. "No!" I cried. "Stand up and fight him."

  She didn't listen to me. "Please don't hit me," she said in a small voice. "It was Uno who hid Riess in the dark closet. It was Blaze who made up stories and acted like she didn't do it. I'm Erin. Erin is a good child. Erin doesn't want to be disciplined anymore." I gasped. She sounded like a kid. I've never heard her talk like this before.

  Prestuso patted her head, a forgiving father to his wayward kid. "Never you worry. Never you worry," he said soothingly. "Father won't discipline you if you're good. Father will only punish children l
ike Riess." He turned to me with a malevolent look on his face. I didn't miss the tightening of his hand on the belt. By this point, I didn't think shouting would help my case. Blaze and Uno were lost to me. They've been replaced by a stranger named Erin. I squeezed my eyes shut as Prestuso raised his hand.

  "Aaaargh!" My knees buckled.

  "Listen carefully Riess," I heard him say through the debilitating pain. "I want you to spell your name loud and clear for me." He whipped me with the belt before I could answer. The licking, unbearable pain spread on my stomach. I wanted to run away, but I had nowhere to go but suffer for my foolishness. "I said spell your name," he warned. "Or I'm going to hit Erin too."

  "R!" I screamed.

  The strike was heavier, harder the third time around.

  "I!"

  I gnashed my teeth together with the intensity of the fourth hit.

  "R!"

  "I want you to spell Riess, not Riri. Didn't Estella teach you how to?" I opened my eyes. He was looking at me sadistically, sweaty and overjoyed. He appeared like he found love and pleasure with the belt in his hand.

  "Please stop," I begged. My eyes blurred with unshed tears. I promised myself not to cry for anyone but Uno and Blaze, yet here I was, weak and useless for everyone. I couldn't even take the beating. Maybe I deserved it more than I thought.

  He stretched the belt with practiced hands. "But we've only just begun. You do know why this has to happen right?" He gestured to my girlfriend. She has stopped moving on the floor. Blaze was just there staring vacantly at something I couldn't see, as if she was watching a TV program that only she had access to. "You're the only child among the dozens that didn't taste my belt," he said. "Just for that you should bear the discipline that you put on Erin."

  The next sound came from the buckle of the belt connecting to my bone. The pain was so bad that I couldn't stand. I sagged, with only the ropes to support my weight. I allowed myself to cry this time. I sobbed quietly, keeping the sound to myself. Prestuso raised his hand for another beating.

  "Enough!" Blaze crawled to Prestuso's legs and clung to him tightly with both arms. "I can't watch this anymore. Please hurt me instead of Riess." Prestuso pushed her away. I hated seeing this as much as I despised being hurt. Riess crawled to him again and looked at him with pleading eyes. "Hurt Erin instead," she said. "Not Riess, Erin."

  Inevitably, my gaze went to the dead Doctor. She told me once that people suffering from DID usually didn't stop with two personalities. There could be more. Erin was the third. "Hey," I called to her. "Hey!" She and Prestuso looked at me. "Erin is it?" I said to her. It was hard to keep my voice steady. "Were we friends?" She nodded reluctantly. "If you trust me, I want you to step away," I said. "Step away from that man and run. Save yourself."

  Prestuso kicked her with such force that she stayed face down on the floor. "Shut up, both of you!" he said. The veins on his neck bulged. He cracked the belt on the ground threateningly. "You act like I'm the bad guy here." Prestuso looped the leather around his hand and smashed his fist against his palm. "I'm not bad. Why do you keep insisting that? You're just very awful children. Kids like you should be punished, then we'll move to bigger projects."

  Erin slowly sat up, her blue hair covering her face. Prestuso stopped to stare at her. "You were always a coward Erin," she hissed to herself. "I hated your guts. If it wasn't for me, you would have been dead a long time ago." She sounded so irritated that I couldn't help but wonder.

  "U-Uno?" I said.

  She grabbed at her hair. "Stop calling me Uno when I'm in control, Riri. You're offending me." I knew that pitch of voice. She has shifted to Blaze. "And don't push me away Uno," she said to herself. She paused and trembled. The next time she spoke, it was Erin's voice I heard. "Stop arguing," she complained. "I hate it when you're arguing." She closed her mouth and started convulsing on the floor.

  Prestuso turned to me. "Well that's something," he said, cocking his eyebrow. "She's a bigger cuckoo than I thought." He lifted his fist and showed me the belt. "But enough about her. It's your spotlight today Riess. Let's continue our family bonding shall we?" I quivered and flinched, anticipating the pain that would be dealt on my face.

  Drip.

  Drip.

  Drip.

  Drip.

  Seconds passed. What was he waiting for?

  Drip.

  Drip.

  Maybe he enjoyed seeing me scared. Sweat rolled on my back.

  Drip.

  Drip.

  I moved my head slowly to look his way. "Stop. Don't look Riri."

  "Why?" I asked, though every bone in my body told me what happened.

  "I need to carry this burden for both of us."

  I turned anyway. Prestuso was down on the floor, a vacant look on his eyes as he gazed lifelessly at the ceiling. I swallowed my scream. My girlfriend dropped the knife on the floor and wiped her bloody hand on her jeans. It took a while before she met my stare. Fright, despair, even gladness flashed on her face. "We needed to protect you," she said, sounding somewhat different. It was her and not her at the same time. "It's temporary," she said. "It won't last long. But for a brief moment we are all here for you."

  Chapter 37. Back At One

  Months Later

  Everything was calm. The constant ticking of the clock was a reminder that it was safe. That what happened was in the past, a memory inside my head. The Doctor's soothing voice echoed in the room. "Imagine yourself as a child, about five or six," she said. "You were walking in the hallway of Holy Angels. Your steps were small. The place seemed bigger than it really was. Someone was holding your hand, assuring you that everything would be alright. Can you imagine it?"

  "Yes," I said automatically, my eyes closed. Though I was aware that the Doctor was beside me, she might as well be in a different time and place.

  "Good," she murmured. "Now describe to me the person who was with you, as if she's just there."

  I frowned. The face was blurry, if not abstract like a painting. I could only recall small details about her, like the blue of her eyes and the way her lips curled upward. But even if I've forgotten her face, I remembered who she was and what she told me. "It was Erin," I said. "She was a child too, but much older than me by three or four years. I recall our friends teasing us about me being a crybaby and her being my protector."

  "Imagine again that you and Erin are walking side by side in the hallway. You are in a hurry. You started to run. Your breath is ragged and your footsteps couldn't keep up with hers. Erin saw that you're very uncomfortable, so she started to tell you a story. Tell me about that story."

  I sucked in my breath. "Erin told me to imagine her as a movie actress called Blaze. She would always say that when I was scared. To pretend that we were in a movie, and that the man, the headmaster, was the bad guy we were running away from. Blaze would tell me stories to distract me so I wouldn't cry."

  "After telling you the stories," the Doctor said. "You and Erin would go somewhere together to play hide and seek. Who usually won?"

  "I did. She'd tell me to find a closet and hide. I'd wait in the darkness for long periods of time, but Erin wouldn't come until later. When she'd find me, she'd be more silent than usual and wouldn't allow me to call her Erin or Blaze. She didn't say what her name was, but she'd give me lots of food and apologize for making me wait too long." I shuddered. Hiding in the closet, cramped in a small space, made me feel nauseous and dizzy. I didn't like it there. The only reason I hid was because Erin wanted me to.

  Together, the Doctor and I prodded my past like we were critiquing a movie that has long been forgotten by the audience. We were the only ones in the theatre, and though some answers eluded us, we were starting to understand the bigger picture of the plot.

  "As you come out of the trance, you will feel refreshed and relaxed," she said in a gentle tone." I opened my eyes and blinked at the light. I was back in her comfy office, with its many pillows and cute design. Compared to earlier, I felt calmer and better.
This was what usually happened after my hypnotic therapy with the Doctor. "Welcome back Riri," she said. "How was it?"

  "Great. My thoughts are clearer." I returned her smile. "You're a good person, Doctor Sanders. I'm always happy that you're still alive even after what happened." My face grew hot when I realized what I said.

  She touched the back of her head. "My husband did say when we got married that I was a stubborn woman. Maybe being hard headed saved me when Prestuso struck me with his baseball bat." She chuckled. "He was so confident of himself that he didn't care to check if I was still breathing." I jumped from the sofa to hug her. She didn't seem to mind. She even patted my back endearingly. "I guess the discussions should be made next session," she said.

  I released her and settled back on the couch. "Thank you for still helping us with this," I said. After full recovery from Prestuso's attack, the doctor agreed to continue the girl's sessions. I also had to take weekly hypnosis therapy to uncover repressed memories from my childhood. According to the doctor, it would help me come to terms with my past and discover what really happened with the girls.

  She adjusted her glasses. "All in the days work Riri, and besides, you and the girls have become good friends of mine." A knock on the door made her pause. "Come in," she said. Uno peeked inside, wearing a poker face. She smirked when our eyes met. "Good timing," Doctor Sanders said. "Our session had just concluded."

  "Can I borrow my girlfriend now?" Uno asked, walking in the room like she owned the place. Doctor Sanders' smile was contagious. She was always amused with how demanding Uno was when it came to me. In the past, Uno acted like she wouldn't care for anyone other than my mother. The Doctor said it was refreshing to see her liking other people for a change.