30 Days

by Larsen, K

  “Now for the fun part.” I chuckle as we both lean back into our sit bones and start to repel down the wall. By the time we reach the bottom she’s wearing a triumphant face splitting grin that makes me swell with pride for her. She’s so damned adorable. I brush a loose piece of hair from her face before pulling her into my chest. I love the way it feels when her arms wrap around me. I’ve never felt anything so comforting.

  ***

  Exhilaration filled me as we rappelled down the wall. I did it. I climbed twenty five feet up and rang that stupid bell for Jenny. It was a fun experience but I don't anticipate becoming an avid rock climber any time soon. Colin beamed with pride as he gazed at me the entire climb. His encouragement puts me at ease. At the bottom of the wall when Colin’s arms wrapped around me something unspoken passed between us. I can’t figure it out. I can’t identify it but it scares me a little. Things have moved too quickly. I’m too dependent on him I think. I’m supposed to be alone.

  “Colin,” I stare out the car window, “I think maybe things are moving too fast.”

  “Are you talking about us?”

  “Yes.” My voice shakes.

  “Why?”

  “We’ve only known each other a week... we’ve, well you know moved quickly.”

  “That’s true but it doesn’t feel wrong to me.”

  “It doesn't feel wrong to me either but that’s what scares me. That it’s too effortless. That it’s not sustainable. That the other shoe will drop and when it does you’ll be hurt.”

  “Why me?”

  “Because. Because I’m married. Because even though I’ve been estranged from him for almost a year he still scares me. I’m supposed to be finding me not losing myself to another relationship.”

  “Dammit Elle.” His eyes are dark and his jaws clenched.

  “I’m sorry Colin. I just don't think it’s safe to be together, or healthy. It’s all too fast.”

  “We can slow down.” He pleads gently.

  “I don't know.”

  “Elle. I don't care what you say. I’m not giving you up. I don't care how fast and impossible it feels, it’s happening and it’s incredible. You’re incredible.” His words are touching and my resolve crumbles slightly.

  “I need to think about it. I’ll still train tomorrow morning.”

  “I hate what he’s done to you.” He grits through his teeth.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “He’s stripped you of the ability to think you deserve love. To accept it. You’re fearful of it. He’s made you lose the part of yourself that believes in you, that lets you trust your own gut.” Tears threaten to fall at his words. He’s right. I know he’s right but it doesn't change how real my pathetic feelings feel or that I feel them at all. So I don't say anything more.

  The remainder of our ride is spent in silence. Me staring out the window lost in the lush green scenery flying past and him white knuckling the steering wheel. When he drops me off at the cottage I quickly dart inside, collapsing on my bed before the first sob escapes me. What have I done Jenny? Why does this hurt? Why aren't you fucking answering me?!

  After hours of sobbing and over analyzing every last detail of our time together I realize that maybe I’d just found what I’d been hoping for all these years. Maybe, although fast, Colin and I are a good thing. I am more my own person now than I was a year, even three years ago. So much has changed in so little time and I’ve changed, grown. I know what I want in life now. I’ve taken steps to make it happen...illegal steps but what’s the difference? I fight for me and what I want now, I don't lay down and take anything and my heart wants Colin. I hide in my room wallowing in the self-pity that seems to be drowning me. I cry some more wondering if I’ve gone and messed up possibly the most amazing thing to ever happen to me before falling into a fitful sleep.

  2012

  January

  My eyes slowly fluttered open as a multitude of alarms, whistles, buzzes, an ice machine disgorging its cubes, a laundry cart rolling, an I.V. pump beeping, and voices discussing good and bad outcomes rape my senses. It’s too bright. I slam my eyes shut again taking in all the foreign sounds. This doesn't sound like I imagined. I don't know if I truly thought there was a heaven or a hell but wherever I was supposed to end up this is not it.

  “Elle....Elle can you hear me?” The voice sounds distant yet too close. I pry my eyes open once more and squint at the figure hovering above me. “Where am I?” I rasp. My throat is impossibly dry and my voice doesn't sound like it belongs to me. Someone touches my wrist and pain rockets through me at the slight movement making me whimper.

  “Just getting your vitals.” A different voice mumbles.

  “Elle, I’m Dr. Evers. You’re at St. Francis Hospital. Do you remember anything?”

  “Car accident.” I scratch.

  “Yes. Good, you remember. You were in a car accident. Your left arm, collarbone and left leg are badly broken. I’m going to give you something for the pain. It will make you drowsy though.” The doctor says. I still can't quite see clearly to really make him out. I try to nod my head but pain rips through me when I try. “Don’t try to move. Just relax and rest.” He says.

  “Water.” I grate.

  “Yes, the nurse can bring you water.” Moments later a blurry figure sits next to me and a straw comes to my lips. I pull lightly on the straw drawing water into my mouth. It’s cool and refreshing instantly making me feel slightly better.

  “What day is it?” I quietly ask.

  “January tenth.” The doctors voice replies. That can't be right. It’s the sixth. I know it’s the sixth. As if sensing my confusion he continues. “You’ve been in a coma for four days Elle. We’re glad to see you finally awake.” He squeezes my right hand lightly before leaving the room. Four days? I’ve been here for four days?!

  My vision is slowly improving. I glance around the room. There are three flower arrangements on various tables and a few cards propped up surrounding them. The nurse with the water is at the end of the bed writing on a whiteboard. “Who are those from?” I ask eyeing the flowers. She turns and reads off a few names of good friends that I haven't seen for a while. None of them are from my Husband. “Has anyone visited?” I push her further.

  “Your husband has visited two nights for a little while.” Her eyes look sad. Pity sad. Whose husband visits twice in four days? Mine does. “Thanks.” I say avoiding her eyes. Another nurse enters and hooks something up to my I.V. and moments later I drift to sleep.

  When I open my eyes again I find him at my door. He’s wearing his best apology but I remember. I took what he dished out. There are no words to hide behind now. Just me and him alone and I won't let him hurt me anymore.

  “Elle.” He breathes.

  “Get out.” I clip through gritted teeth.

  “Calm down. We need to talk.” He pushes.

  “We have nothing to talk about. Get out.” Machines start beeping frantically around me.

  “Excuse me sir.” The nurse I talked to the day before brushes past him to the heart rate monitor beeping wildly. “Sir, she needs to stay calm.”

  “I need him to leave.” I tell the nurse, my eyes frenzied. She looks between us for a moment then nods her head.

  “I need to ask you to leave sir.”

  “I’m her goddamned husband for Christ’s sake!” He bellows.

  “I’m sorry sir, but it’s imperative that we keep her relaxed and calm right now.” She moves a step towards Ryan in challenge.

  “You can't keep me out forever Elle, we have things to discuss concerning your... stay.” He relents, turning on his heel and leaves the room.

  “Thank you.” I sigh to the nurse. “What’s your name?”

  “Rachel.”

  “Hi Rachel. Elle. Nice to actually meet you.” I try to be charming.

  “It’s nice to finally hear your voice. It was touch and go there for a while. Just glad you woke up.” She smiles. She has a nice smile too. Its big
and bright and reaches her eyes.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Shoot.” She answers.

  “How long before I get out of here?” I ask knowing I have a while but it would be nice to have some sort of time frame for sanity’s sake. Her smile falls just slightly. “I mean, I know I’m pretty beat up, but I just want a ballpark.” I try to joke.

  “Honey,” She starts. “It’s not just the injuries you’ve sustained. You’re on suicide watch. This is the Psych floor.” Her words leave me speechless and dazed. A tear slips out the corner of one eye and trickles down my face slowly before hitting my lip. I lick it away, tasting the salty wetness and let my head drop back on the pillow.

  “You weren't just in an accident, you caused the accident.” She continues. I don't need her to tell me though, I was there. I knew what I was doing. I knew what was supposed to happen and just like Ryan always alludes, I failed at it. I am so pathetic that I couldn't even succeed at ending my own life. I clear my throat. “I’m aware, thanks.”

  I hear her move towards the door. “Wait!” I call after her. “I would really prefer to have no visitors if that’s possible, not even my husband.” I advise her. She nods her head twice and leaves.

  2012

  February

  My feelings suffocate me. I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I’m in the Psych ward on suicide watch. What can I do though? I can't walk. I only have one good arm and one good leg right now and a broken collarbone to boot. How much of a threat do they think I really pose to myself in this state? The doctor explains that once my injuries heal there will be significant physical therapy needed to get me back to good. Until then I will be meeting with Dr. Rand twice a week. He has graciously informed the hospital what drugs I was taking and those too will now be added to my daily regimen.

  “Elle. Good to see you.” Dr. Rand quips as he sits by my bed.

  “Hi.” I reply flatly.

  “We’ve got a lot to cover this week dontcha think?” Is he trying to piss me off?

  “Sure.” I roll my head left and stare out the barred window.

  “I want you to take a look at these.” He says. I swing my head back toward him. He’s holding a few pictures out to me. I reach out grabbing them and look them over.

  “What do you see?” He probes.

  “I see my car. Mangled.” The pictures are of the accident. Judging by the car and tree, how I survived is a mystery.

  “And... how does that make you feel?”

  “Like a failure.” I tell him honestly.

  “Come again?” One eyebrow is cocked and his nose is curled up on one side making him look ridiculous.

  “It makes me feel like a failure. The car is clearly obliterated yet I am not. I attempted to kill myself yet here I am. A survivor of that wreckage.” I toss the photos back at him.

  He sits motionless for a moment. “I see. Do you still want to die?”

  “What kind of question is that? No I don’t want to die. You have me on more meds than I can handle. I’m a zombie. I feel numb from them. Ryan came home and told me how I should be grieving and when I didn't agree with him he hit me, TWICE! I got up, left the house, and as I drove down the road the tree just suddenly seemed like the answer to all my prayers. I punched the gas and went for it. I sure as shit didn't think I’d end up here with you.” I exasperate.

  I watch as his pencil moves frenziedly across his pad. Not the right answer I realize. I need to give him all the right answers so I can get the hell out of here when the time comes. “I’m sorry Dr. Rand. I’m really frustrated right now.” I backtrack.

  “I can see that Elle.”

  “I want to heal. I want to get through physical therapy and then I want to go home.” I lie.

  “I’m not sure it’s going to be that simple.” He retorts.

  “Why not?”

  “You have some serious work ahead of you and until you are deemed mentally stable Ryan has power of attorney, meaning you can't sign yourself out.” He explains.

  “I will do the work. I will be cleared as mentally stable.” I state. I am not giving the state of my mental health and life over to Ryan. I will do whatever it takes. Then it dawns on me, if he has POA, he has access to my funds. All of my funds. “Dr. Rand, what happens if I’m cleared and Ryan doesn't agree? Can he ask that I be monitored further? Held longer?”

  “I suppose that could happen.” He lets on making my breath falter. I suddenly feel woozy.

  “I don’t feel well. I think maybe I need to rest.” I tell him. He lets me know that he will be back in three days for another appointment and leaves. Ryan now has a pretty sweet motive for keeping me hostage here. I am going to have to play nice with him. The blows just keep coming.

  The next two weeks seem to move at a slugs pace. Slowly but surely I am able to move about on my own with a motorized wheelchair that has a joystick so I can control it with my right hand. The left side of my body frustrates me. Both the leg and arm useless in their casts. Ryan doesn’t bother coming to visit. Rachel lets me know that they haven't even received a phone call from him to check in on me. Part of me is happy at the news. I don't want him in my life. I don't want him near me. The other part of me knows that I need to get him in here and soon before he blows all my money, before it’s too late to fix this. It takes all the energy I have to make it through each day. I’m trapped in this prison of crazy people with no end date in sight. My gut clenches in knots thinking about it. Is it possible to go crazy from being surrounded by crazy all day?

  “Good afternoon Elle. How are you today?” Dr. Rand asks.

  “Feeling pretty good.”

  “Nice to hear. So shall we?”

  “Sure.” As if I have a choice.

  “Last session you mentioned that Jenny helped you face some of your fears.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “I’d like to discuss those.”

  “It wasn't really fears as much as things that I either wanted to do or didn't have the courage to do I guess.”

  “Like what?”

  “Ummm, like throwing a drink in someone’s face.” I stammer.

  “Really?” He clearly finds this interesting judging from the tone of his voice.

  “Well it’s something that takes balls to do. I can’t actually imagine doing it or what would happen afterwards but yeah.... I guess if I were a badass it could happen.”

  “Fascinating.” He makes some notes on his pad. I hate that pad.

  “Not really.” I mutter.

  “Tell me something else.”

  “Ok, going to dinner - out- alone.”

  “You’ve never eaten at a restaurant alone?” He inquires.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “It would be awkward. People would judge me, wonder if I was stood up or why I wasn't with someone.” I shrug.

  “And why does that matter?” He pushes.

  “I don't know, it just does.” I say frustrated.

  “Elle, let’s make a list.”

  “Of?”

  “Of all these things that you feel matter. That if you had the chance, you’d like to see if you can accomplish just to say you did.”

  “Ahhh, ok, sure.”

  “Great. So we have Throwing a drink in someone’s face and eating dinner alone. Yes?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And... these two things stem from perceived social judgment?”

  “I guess.”

  “Let’s get two more on the list today.” He says. I stop for a moment and think of things Jenny and I used to talk about.

  “Learn to fight and ahh... sing karaoke.” I tell him.

  “Let’s address learn to fight first.”

  “Ok.” He stares at me for a moment. “Oh! Right you want me to talk about it. Well, I think it would be fun to learn boxing or kickboxing or MMA. But to actually go take a class or have a trainer for that kind of sport intimidates me and makes me self-conscious.”

  �
�Why?”

  “I guess because I might not be good enough or I might fail at it.”

  “So another failure issue.” He prompts.

  “Sure.” I reply. He nods again jotting down more notes.

  “Karaoke?”

  “I sang in the chorus growing up, but in a group your voice blends in ...you can still hide. I guess karaoke would be making it about me. I could be booed off the stage because they think I’m terrible. Crowds always judge the person singing.”

  “Judgment and failure again. Quite the theme here don't you think?”

  “I think a lot of people might have these thoughts on these things so far. It’s not abnormal.”

  “I didn't say anything about abnormal Elle.” He retorts. I huff in frustration at him.

  “Is our time up for today?”

  He winks at me and sets his pencil to rest. “I suppose it is. I’ll see you in a few days. Have some more ready for the list.” He says.

  PRESENT

  DAY 12

  My eyes are puffy and bloodshot and I feel as though I didn’t sleep at all last night. Instead of going to the gym I opt for wallowing in my own misery for the morning. Colin doesn't call to find out why I didn't show and I don't call to offer up an explanation. I’m not sure how to tell him that I want to continue seeing him. I want to tell him that I really do feel the same things he does but after my gaff yesterday words fail me.

  My thoughts are depressing and spiraling out of control. I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him. I just have to pick up the phone. I’m such a coward though. What if he thought about it all night and decided that I’m fickle and untrustworthy? What if he yells unkind things at me? I don't want either of those outcomes to be how I remember him if I’ve ruined this. Do something Elle! I just have to do something. I debate back and forth with myself about the pros and cons of just sending a text, calling or showing up at his apartment. All options leave me too nervous. I settle on a writing a note and sliding it under his apartment door. Then I can pretend, if I never hear from him again, that he never got it. What is wrong with me?