30 Days

by Larsen, K

  My anger at Colin has dissipated remotely and I’m not fuming anymore.

  “You have a great reading voice.” Jenna compliments as we exit the library.

  “I really enjoyed that actually. The kids were adorable.”

  “I’m going to miss you when you leave.” She commiserates changing the subject. I turn to face her.

  “Maybe I won't leave then. I like it here.”

  “What about your job?” She questions.

  “I can always try to find one here right?”

  “Would you?”

  “I’ve given it some thought, yeah.” I inform her. She squeals in delight and gives me a fierce hug.

  “That would be awesome! I can’t imagine going back to life before you.” She gushes.

  “I love you Jenna.”

  By the time I arrive back at the cottage Colin is there waiting for me. Before I enter I watch him through the window pacing back and forth dragging a hand repeatedly through his hair then pinching the bridge of his nose.

  “Hi.”

  “Elle. I’m sorry...” He immediately starts.

  “Sh. I need to talk.” I cut him off. “I understand what you were trying to do, I really do. I guess what you don’t understand is what it was like living in the kind of relationship I was in with Ryan. I never knew what would set him off. I was never good enough. My days were mostly spent filled with fear of what might happen. When someone tells you they hate you repeatedly for years on end it... it changes you. I’m here because I didn't ever want to relive that and you threw it in my face and that hurts. You made me feel unsafe Colin. I trusted you. Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with someone like that? To sleep next to him night after night? To have to give myself to him?” My voice trembles as I finish. Colin looks terrified. I can tell he’s been beating himself up over this all day and it makes me feel bad. I shouldn't care, I should worry about me, but I can't help it. The agony in his eyes is breaking my heart.

  “Elle, I should have never put you through that. I’m so sorry. I didn't think it through. I was more worried about getting you to break through that wall of fear you hide behind than about what it might do to you.” The anguish in his voice is almost unbearable to hear. “Please say you forgive me.” I wrap my arms around myself and watch his face twist in sorrow over his actions today. Ryan never had that look. Then again, I’m beginning to think Ryan never actually cared for me at all.

  “I forgive you.” The warmth and comfort his embrace brings as he rushes to me, holding me tight is all I need to know that I really do forgive him.

  DAY 23

  “Steal something? Really Elle, this one does not sound like a fun one.” Colin complains.

  “You don't have to join me. Consider this the badass portion of the list.”

  “Elle, if you get caught...” His thought is lost to the wind blowing in from the sea.

  “I won't.” I state firmly squeezing his hand.

  “Why risk it?” I sigh knowing that it is a big risk given my situation.

  “I’m going to do it Colin.” His jaw clenches in frustration at me and he stands from the couch angry.

  “Elle. Please.” He doesn't finish his plea. He has a client in twenty minutes and needs to leave.

  “Can we not fight?” I venture standing up and placing a hand on his chest. His hazel eyes narrow on mine.

  “Call me if you need me.” He grinds out through his teeth. I blow out a breath nodding my head at him as he picks up his gym bag and heads to the door. He stops short, hand on the knob. I move quickly to him, grab his attractive face between my hands and pull his head to mine. His kiss is hard and bitter but the more I mold myself to his lean frame the more his resolve melts letting our lips move together in tenderness.

  I walk down the street looking for a suitable place to steal something. It’s not as easy as one might think. I feel like I already look guilty of something and I haven't even stepped foot in a shop yet. I take a deep breath to renew my resolve as the bell dings above the door to a cute card and stationery shop. I lazily walk around touching and looking at things.

  “Can I help you find anything?” The clerk asks.

  “Ah, no, just poking.”

  “Let me know if you need something.” She says happily.

  Guilt consumes me. My palms sweat and I go back and forth with myself a million times about whether or not to do it. I wander through the funny card section and find the most perfect card for Jenna. There are two ladies from the fifties on the front with a chat bubble that reads; Let’s go somewhere and judge people. I actually snickered out loud before picking it up and moving around the end caps looking for something small to pocket.

  There is a display of key chains at the far end of the store, furthest from the register. A black one with Stud. and an image of a muffin under it catches my eye. It would be cute for Colin. I pick it up, my instantly starts hammering in my chest, and slip it into my pocket. Walking up to the counter I give the card for Jenna to the clerk to ring up. I swear she knows. She’s judging me and waiting for the right moment to call me out on taking something.

  “Three eighty five.”

  “What?” I stammer.

  “The total is three eighty-five.”

  “Right. Sorry!” I pull my wallet from my purse and give her four dollars. She hands me my change and tells me to have a nice day before I practically dart to the door. The fresh air mixed with my pumping adrenaline makes me feel lightheaded. Looking over my shoulder numerous times I collapse onto a bench a block away.

  “‘Lo?” Colin’s deep vibrato answers.

  “I did it.”

  “Ok?”

  “I feel like a crack addict or something. I’m all shaky and I feel terrible.” His boisterous laugh vibrates my ear through the phone. “It’s not funny. I’m freaking out here.”

  “Elle. Go home. I’ll see you there in a bit.”

  “Colin.” I whine.

  “You’re fine. Go home.” He says more sternly.

  “Fine.” I flip the phone shut , suck in a shaky breath and walk home. I pace nervously around the living room until Colin show’s up two hours later. I’m just waiting for the sales clerk or the police to hunt me down. My nerves are completely shot. When he pushes through the door I bolt straight to him, crashing into his firm chest.

  “Jesus Elle, what did you steal that has you this worked up?” He chuckles wrapping his arms around me. I drop one hand and fish through my pocket for the keychain. Pulling it out I hold it up for him to see. The laughter that follows is insulting to say the least. It takes Colin ten minutes to really catch his breath and calm down.

  “A keychain? You’ve been a wreck for hours over a keychain?”

  “It’s not funny. I feel bad. Terrible , actually.” My protest only makes him laugh harder.

  “It’s for you.” I bark in irritation. His face sobers and his eyes crinkle with his smile.

  “You think I’m a stud muffin babe?” I pout and stomp my foot petulantly. The lopsided grin, sexy dimple and twinkle in his eyes sets butterflies aloft in my belly. My ribs shake lightly before a belly laugh bubbles out of me.

  “Yes. You’re my stud muffin.” I chortle finally seeing the humor in my day. Colin’s muscular arms wrap around my waist pulling me down to the couch with him.

  “I’ll be your anything.” He murmurs before giving me a soul searing kiss.

  DAY 24

  We signed our waivers, were weighed and the length of the bungee cord was adjusted accordingly. We’re strapped, briefed, assured, coached, coaxed, and sent to the platform. It feels like a death march. Then assured, coached, and coaxed again. The thrill of the adrenaline pumping through my veins is almost nonexistent compared to the sheer terror and stupidity of what I’m about to do. I’m going to die. I don't want to die! Why am I doing this? My hands are clammy and I’m trembling violently, part of my mind is screaming at me to turn back while I still can. This is certain death. I’m sure of it.
/>
  “FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, BUNGEE!!” The man yells. I stall, rooted to the platform. “JUMP ELLE!” Colin shouts. At his encouragement I jump out as far as I can from the platform scared shitless yet enjoying the free fall. The rush, the ecstasy, the adrenaline, the release. It’s like having an orgasm and being in a car accident at the same time. I let out a blood curdling scream as the bungee rope finally catches my ankles and I jerk bouncing up and down momentarily until they haul me upright. Four minutes. That’s the length of time from jumping until being on my feet again but I feel like an entirely different person. Triumphant and bold. Colin’s proud grin mirrors exactly what I feel for accomplishing this.

  I watch as Colin stands on the platform next. “FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, BUNGEE!!” The man yells again. Colin doesn't hesitate. He leaps forward plunging head first from the bridge. My heart lodges in my throat watching him. A million thoughts race through my mind all having to do with losing him. He doesn't make a sound until his body forcibly jerks when the cord snags and even then it’s just a loud grunt. I screamed like a little girl. His smile as he approaches me looks like it might split his face in half.

  “That was amazing!” He gushes high fiving me.

  “I know! It felt like I was being chased by zombies while having an orgasm!” I blurt unable to accurately express what it felt like. “That’s a surprisingly accurate assessment.” Colin rolls with laughter at my description. He takes my hand and we head back to the car with shit eating grins plastered to our faces.

  The drive home was full of excited chatter over the thrill of free falling we experienced. I called Jenna and asked if they wanted to meet us out for dinner or drinks because we were still too amped up to go home.

  “Oh my god Elle! Look at your face! You look terrified.” John snickers. Colin has showed the video he took of my jump to anyone sitting remotely near us at the Pig Pit.

  “I was terrified.” I clarify.

  “I still can't believe you did it.” Jenna snorts.

  “You might want to close your mouth before someone takes it as an invitation.” I laugh.

  “You and Ben should give it a go. It’s awesome.” Colin interjects. Jenna shakes her head violently at the idea while Ben fist bumps Colin with excitement and I can't help but laugh. The bartender sets our drinks in front of the five of us.

  “If tomorrow is something fun, I want in.” Ben demands.

  “Tomorrow I learn to shoot a gun.”

  “GUNS?! I’m in! When and where?”

  “We’re hitting the Thornville shooting range after my last client. ‘Round three.” Colin answers. John, Ben and Colin continue discussing guns and ammo while Jenna and I catch up on key chains, cards and workouts. Colin’s hand stay draped over the back of my chair or on my thigh as always and I can’t help but grin like a fool at how lucky I feel.

  DAY 25

  The leaves are just beginning to change colors. Lush greens now accompanied by various tints of oranges, yellows and reds make our drive to Thornsville pretty as scenery rushes past the car windows. Ben, John, and Jenna follow behind Colin and I. Colin pulls into the parking lot of the barracks store, kills the engine and jogs around to my side of the car to get my door for me. The five of us enter the nondescript store heading straight for the gun case.

  “What can I do for you?” The clerk asks Colin.

  “We need a pistol for her.” He nods at me. The clerk rifles through the case before pulling out a pistol and setting it on the counter.

  “This is a Glock 19. The pistol weighs a twenty-nine ounces when it’s fully loaded. It is capable for holding nineteen rounds and is a semi-automatic powerhouse. Basically small and light for your girl here.”

  “Pick it up Elle. See how it feels.” I take the gun from the counter. It’s heavy in my hand but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be checking for.

  “Seems fine.” I say. Twenty minutes later I’m the owner of a gun. The only snag had been filling out the paperwork but Colin has quietly advised me to just use his address as my permanent residence. Jenna had seen a handgun with a pink handgrip and decided she had to have it. Ben told her that’s no way to pick a gun but she had no interest in listening and bought it anyways. To my surprise each of the guys owned at least one gun. I had no idea that Colin had guns but he explained that his dad and he used to go to the shooting range a lot growing up and he’s very careful with them, keeping them locked in a gun safe at his place.

  The Thornsville range is in the basement of an unremarkable office building. Behind a metal door with its logo, the buzzing of fluorescent light is the soundtrack that accompanies our trek downstairs. The walls are pale yellow now faded and sickly looking. Already, I can hear very muffled gunshots. I listen with mild apprehension. It is a distinctive noise, not exactly a bang. It rebounds echoing off the walls.

  I plait my hair into a loose braid and secure it as Colin finishes setting everything up.

  “Put your feet shoulder-width apart. Slight bend at the knees, and a small lean forward at the waist.” Colin adjusts my stance for me. “Good. Keep your index finger off the trigger until ready to fire. Try to relax. Take a few deep breaths. When you’re ready squeeze the trigger on your exhale.”

  Colin steps away and I take three deep breaths while aiming at the paper target. I squeeze the trigger at the end of my third breath. The reverberation startles me and the recoil was tough to control, though I'd expected it. I hit the left edge of the target but only barely. Shooting again and again, I sniff the powder and strain to get a better shot. Sometimes I do pretty good; others, I’m way outside of the target. I keep tensing up right before the explosion. Colin is patient and gives me space to just practice when I shoo him away. He gently corrects my hold and position as necessary resulting in me hitting the target more often. Once I get used to the feeling of it I like the little rush I get each time I pull the trigger. It makes me feel competent and commanding.

  Colin and John are both excellent marksmen. Their paper targets come back with perfectly clustered little holes in all the appropriate areas. Ben didn’t even manage to fire his gun once. Jenna monopolized his time and couldn't quite get the hang of the whole thing. His patience with her surprised us all I think.

  “So how did you do?” Jenna asks as we file out.

  “Not too bad. I hit the target, mostly, but some shots were just hitting the paper edge. I liked it though. I thought it was going to be more scary.”

  “I suck, but I had fun.”

  “We should keep coming, without the guys, and get really good and then blow their minds.” I chuckle at her.

  “Hey, I’m game if you are.”

  “Deal.”

  Colin’s hand comes to the small of my back as we exit the building. The heat from his touch never fails to do funny things to my belly.

  “You did good today.”

  “Thanks. I had a good time.”

  “Would you come again?” He asks.

  “Definitely!”

  “Are we still on for dinner at Blitz?” Ben hollers across the parking lot.

  “Yeah! See you in a few!” I answer as we all pile into our cars to make the journey back home. Being out with my small but wonderful group of friends makes my chest swell. I can't imagine life without them anymore. It’s such a simple thing, having a few good people to count on, but it makes such a difference in one’s life. I know it’s been a while Jenny, but I hope you’re up there smiling down on me.

  Dr. Rand

  “Pleased to see you again Mr. Darling. Were you able to secure the credit line?” I had rubbed my hands together nervously waiting for his answer. I needed this. God damned Sheila was killing me with alimony payments. I’m was so close to bankruptcy I could have vomited.

  “Dr. Rand, always a pleasure. Do you have a moment to chat?” He’d asked.

  “Of course.” I had replied not knowing that what he would go on to offer I wouldn't be able to refuse. That I would end up making a huge mista
ke and risking my career on a gamble for a man’s greed.

  When Ryan had offered me a hundred thousand dollars cash to counsel his wife, eventually making sure that she ended up locked away in the psychiatric floor of the hospital I’m affiliated with, I should have said no. But, I didn't. I said yes, knowing the money would pay off the majority of my debts allowing me to crawl out of the hole I was in.

  If Elle hadn't made it as easy for me to get her into the hospital, maybe I would have backed out and saved myself all this headache. Elle was a nice woman married to a greedy man who treated her terribly. It wasn’t her fault. It became my fault however, when she disappeared six months later taking with her the cash I was promised.

  PRESENT

  DAY 26

  After tying our aprons on, we wet our hands and the clay and following instruction use our full strength, resting our hands against our thighs to provide stability while trying to center our lumps.

  “You will know the clay is centered when you can wrap your hands around it and it spins smoothly.” The teacher explains.

  My opening is lopsided, and I have to close it up, recenter and try again. Once I get a hole I use both of my hands to widen it. The clay is slick and smooth under my hands. Using gentle pressure as instructed I mold the clay into a wide bowl. It’s very much a tactile experience. My fingers see by feeling the clay, its texture, pliability, responsiveness to pressure, shape, and moisture using a pottery wheel is a sensual, messy, satisfying experience.

  I watch as Colin gets sprayed by the fine mist blowing off the wheel as he spins his lump of clay around trying to form something. His brow is furrowed as he focuses on what he’s doing and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth.