“Yes, it’s my fault, I should have told you yes, Bo,” she continues, pretty much taking the words out of my mouth. “But I feel I don’t deserve you until I beat whatever this is knocking me down. I try to be happy, but I keep getting pulled under and I’m not strong enough to fight it.”
“If you’d have explained, I would have fully understood, Jess. I would have helped you fight until you beat the darkness, but you never gave me a chance.”
“It’s too late now,” she whispers, looking back at Faith. “I’m not hurting her, Bo, I can’t.”
I know what she means. Faith is so sweet, so innocent in all of this. I couldn’t hurt her either. “I know,” I mumble, wishing like hell I wasn’t stuck in this situation.
While Faith may not have stolen my heart like Jess has, Faith is beautiful, outgoing, always smiling, and fun to hang out with. I miss her when I’m not around her.
I know I’m going to have one tough decision to make, and I’m sure it will be coming soon.
27
Bo
The time has come for me to go home. I hope that Jess continues to stay with Faith and stays away from Ryan. I don’t know if my talk with her helped or not, but I’m hoping Faith’s did.
In a few weeks, Faith will be coming to stay with me for the summer. I’m hoping Jess comes with her, yet I’m scared she won’t and she’ll be in Miami all by herself and that frightens me.
Faith slinks her arms around my waist, resting her head on my shoulder. “I’m gonna miss you, cowboy.”
“In a few short weeks, we will have the whole summer together,” I remind her, still excited that she is coming to stay with me for a couple of months.
She leans forward and plants a kiss to my lips. “I’m already counting down the days.”
Jess is asleep or pretending to be asleep. I think she is faking it so she doesn’t have to talk to me. It hurts that she doesn’t want anything to do with me now.
It’s early, but I have a long drive back to Bama so I need to get going. “I’ll call you,” I say to Faith.
“Bye,” she murmurs as I turn to leave. With a small wave, I close the door behind me.
Cassie calls me as I hop in my truck. I know I told her to call me yesterday morning when she got up, and she did, but I couldn’t talk with both of them around so I sent her a quick text saying I’ll let her know when she can call.
I texted her as I was walking out of the dorm, heading to my truck.
“Hey, Cass,” I greet.
“I’m so pissed at you, Bo Michaels! You send me a cryptic text in the middle of the night telling me to call you as soon as I get up in the morning and when I do, you tell me it wasn’t a good time. Do you know how worried I’ve been?” When she is done ranting, she huffs, and I have to stifle a laugh.
I knew Cassie would be pissed, but I didn’t have a choice. “Look, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t talk around Faith and Jess.”
“How is she?” Cassie asks, her voice trembling slightly.
“Not good, Cass,” I admit. “She’s talking about leaving Miami, which is great, but she wouldn’t be coming home to Brilliant.”
“I’m going to call and talk to her to see if I can convince her to come back.”
“She’s hesitant because Faith is coming to stay with me for the summer.”
Cassie grows silent. She likes Faith, but Jess is also her best friend. “Does Faith know?”
“No, we didn’t tell her.” The guilt continues to grow the more I think about it.
“Bo!” she scolds like I knew she would. “Y’all should have told her!”
“Trust me, I know, Cassie, but I couldn’t hurt her. Not after…” I swallow hard, thinking Jess with the bruises on her face and neck. “Not after Jess came in, in the middle of the night, the left side of her face black and blue.”
An audible gasp leaves her. “What?!” she screeches.
“That’s why I texted you. Jess clearly needs to get out of Miami, but she’s hesitant because I’m with Faith. Talk to her, Cassie. I know Faith has, except I don’t know what she’s told her.”
“This has to be tough for you, Bo.”
Emotion seizes my throat. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to choose between them. “I don’t know what I am going to do, Cassie.”
“You’ll figure it out.” I wish I was as confident as her.
“Maybe,” I mumble. “I’m about to hit the road. Don’t forget to call Jess.”
“I won’t. Will you come to the house when you get in?”
“Yeah, I’ll swing by.”
After hanging up with Cassie, I set my phone in the cup holder and crank my truck. I love hearing the engine roaring to life.
Maybe the twelve-hour drive will give me enough time to figure out what I am going to do.
It’s late afternoon when I pull into my brother’s driveway. The long drive wasn’t long enough to figure out what I’m going to do. I’m still as clueless as I was this morning.
J steps out onto the porch as I walk up. “Long time no see, bro. At least it feels that way.”
“It does. I’ve been staying busy.”
J smirks. “First you are terrified of commitment and now you have to decide between two women. Definitely didn’t see that one coming.”
I thrust my hand through my hair. “Fuck, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“I do,” he gloats.
“Okay, genius, fill me in.”
With a shake of his head, he smiles. “You’ll realize it soon enough.” So much for brotherly advice. “Come on in, Cassie made spaghetti.”
I follow J inside and see Heather sitting at the table, her son next to her in a highchair. “Heather, Cassie,” I acknowledge them. Carson, Heather’s son, looks up at me with wide eyes. I chuckle at his cute expression. Ella notices me and starts flapping her arms. She definitely wants her uncle to hold her.
Taking my niece from Cassie, I hold her in my arms. Ella wraps her tiny arms around my neck, melting my heart. “I missed you, too, Ella.”
Cassie leaves the table so I take her seat. “How have things been, Heather?”
“It’s getting a little better.”
I shoot her a friendly smile. “Good, I’m glad.”
Cassie sets a plate of spaghetti and a glass of tea in front of me. My mouth waters just looking at it. Cassie takes Ella so I can eat, who then whines because she wants me to hold her. Her little lip is puckered up as she silently begs me to hold her. I can’t resist my niece when she cries so I take her back from Cassie and set her in my lap.
“I don’t get why she loves you so much,” Cassie grumbles.
“I’m a loveable guy.” I smirk.
Everyone laughs, and J comments, “You sure are, brother. That’s why you are in the predicament you’re in.”
Rolling my eyes, I turn my attention to Cassie. “Did you talk to her?”
Her eyes grow sad. “Yeah, I did. We talked for over an hour, but I still don’t think she’s going to come here.”
“What reason did she give you?” I want to see if she’s giving excuses or telling the truth.
“The same reason she gave you.”
Shit. I don’t know what else to do. Kissing Ella’s cheek, I whisper “Bye” in her ear, then pass her off to her momma before rising to my feet. “I’m going to head home.”
“Bo,” J and Cassie call after me.
Ignoring them, I fish out my keys and walk briskly to my truck. Firing it up, I head in the direction of my house, except, when I am almost there, I change my mind. I need to stop somewhere else first.
It doesn’t take me long to drive to the cemetery. I haven’t been here since the funeral of Jess’ parents. It’s growing dark out so I don’t have a lot of time.
The headstone is black with a picture of them engraved in the marble. Kneeling down, I place my hand on the stone, trying to gather my emotions. My heart hurts for Jess and the pain I know she’s still feeling. Not knowing how to star
t, I blurt out why I’m here. “I need you to bring Jess home. While I know you both have been watching over her, you can only do so much. I’ve done all I can think of to try and convince her to come back to Brilliant and it’s not working. She’s too strong-willed and stubborn to do what’s best for her. I care about your daughter and I want her safe.” Standing to my feet, I’ve said all I know to say. I can’t promise them I won’t make her cry or love her forever.
Not when I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do.
28
Jess
This is a bad idea, I think to myself as I knock on Ryan’s door. I promised Faith I wouldn’t go see him, but he’s been calling and texting my phone non-stop worried about me. I need to put his worry to rest. Faith doesn’t know I’m here otherwise she would’ve barricaded the door.
The door swings open and Ryan’s eyes grow wide when he sees it’s me. “Jess, where have you been? I’ve been calling you ever since the other night.”
“Can I come in and talk to you?”
“Yeah, sure.” He opens the door wider, letting me walk in and closing it behind me.
“I really only came to get my things. I’m going back to my own dorm, Ryan.”
“What happened that night?”
I tell him about the attack and he looks physically ill that he left instead of walking me. “I should have been there, Jess. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” I say, not knowing what else to say.
Ryan closes the distance between us, lifting his palm to my cheek. “Are you sure you have to go? I like having you here.”
“Yeah, it’s for the best.” I’ve got to keep reminding myself of that.
Without warning, Ryan fuses his mouth with mine, and I’m suddenly lost again. I remember all the times he took the pain away and let me feel free for a while. That’s how this whole thing started.
So, I kiss him back, letting him make me feel something other than my heart breaking.
As I do the walk of shame back to my dorm, I think back to what Ryan told me before I left.
“If the pain ever gets to be too much, call me. I’ll be waiting. I won’t call you though, Jess. You have to call me.”
I didn’t tell him one way or the other because I didn’t know how to respond to that.
Faith still isn’t back when I arrive, so I drop my bag on my bed and head straight to the bathroom for a shower.
Like always, my mind drifts to Bo. I wonder what he thinks of me. I could tell he was holding back from saying everything he really wanted to say. Doesn’t matter now, he’s made it clear that he isn’t going to let Faith go. He shouldn’t because Faith is perfect for him. She can give him all that I can’t. She’s happy with life while I’m constantly depressed. Bo doesn’t need a girl like me in his life.
It’s why I can’t go back to Brilliant. I need to go somewhere else to start over.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Faith is in her bed, sound asleep. It’s not like her to not talk to me when she comes in or to go to bed this early.
Deciding I’ll talk to her in the morning, I begin cleaning, trying to keep my mind off of things.
My mind is so cluttered with guilt and shame for all of the things I’ve done. I bet my parents are rolling over in their grave watching me. I’ve made a mess of my life and I’m not sure how to quit.
Two hours later, the place is squeaky clean and I have a plan. I know I said I was trying to keep my mind off of things, but I decided to devise up a plan to get out of Miami. I don’t want Cassie or anyone back home to see what I’ve become so that’s another reason I can’t go back to Brilliant.
I like the beach, so I was thinking Gulf Shores. I’ve made enough at the strip club I worked at for a week to get me there, find a hotel room, food, and my cell phone bill. My car has been paid off with the insurance money from my parents. I would pay all the money I had to see them one more time. To tell them I love them and that I’m sorry for disappointing them.
With a plan in mind, I get ready for bed, ready to tell Faith first thing in the morning.
Faith is up, cooking breakfast when I wake the next morning. She seems sad when I approach her. “Are you okay?”
She waves me off. “I’m fine, I just don’t feel well. I think I’m coming down with something.”
“Why don’t I finish breakfast while you go lie down,” I offer, taking the spoon from her.
“Okay. Thanks, Jess.” She goes to her bed and lays down, curling up under the covers.
“Anytime. I’m happy to help you.”
Faith eats a few bites of her breakfast then falls back asleep. I chew on my bottom lip as I debate whether or not to call Bo. If he tries calling her today, chances are, he won’t reach her.
Hearing his voice will be hard, but I need to do this for Faith.
Dialing his number, I put the phone to my ear, my heart pounding, waiting for his voice to come on the line. “Jess?” he answers, surprised by my unexpected call.
“Hey, sorry to bother you, but I wanted to let you know that Faith doesn’t feel well so if you call her and she doesn’t answer it’s because she’s asleep.”
“Thank you for letting me know. What’s wrong with her?” Hearing his concern for her hurts even more. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, yet I am.
“I don’t know. All she said was that she thinks she’s getting sick.”
“Okay, have her call me when she feels up to it.”
“I will. Bye, Bo.”
I’m getting ready to hang up when he says, “Jess, wait. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I lie. “But even if I wasn’t okay, you need to focus on Faith, not me.”
“I can’t help it. You’re always on my mind.”
Gripping the phone in my hand, I try to keep my voice even. “Don’t say that, Bo. I’m not worth a second thought.” Not wanting to hear his reply, I hang up.
When Bo and I are around each other or talking over the phone, we are like fire and gasoline. We are no good for each other as we only bring tears and anger.
I curl up in a ball, clutching a pillow as the tears spill down my cheeks, something I haven’t done in a while. I want to text Ryan and tell him I need him, yet I am trying to resist. It’s not healthy for me to use him like that.
29
Faith
I knew it was only a matter of time before it returned. My one wish was that if my cancer came back that I would be older, that I would get to live life before it took it away from me. And it’s going to kill me this time.
I had been feeling awful, so I thought I was just sick, as in having a cold or something like that, not cancer. In the back of my mind, I knew though. It’s returned with a vengeance this time and nothing I do will fight it.
I cried all the way back to the dorms and cried myself to sleep, not caring that it’s like six in the evening.
How am I going to tell Bo or Jess? I haven’t talked to Bo hardly at all, afraid I’m going to breakdown on the phone with him. Even though I’m not sure how to break it to him, I still want to spend all the time I have left with him, but I don’t want to leave Jess behind.
Jess is gone right now and I don’t have a clue where she is but I pray she isn’t with Ryan. She’s too good for him, even if she can’t see it.
Jess
Ryan wraps his arms around me from behind, planting a kiss on my cheek. “You my girl?” he asks. Ryan started asking me this the other day out of the blue. It shocked me at first, but it quickly wore off after a minute. I know I had told Ryan we would be just friends, but the more I spend time with him the more I crave it. At this point, I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing.
I’ve been sneaking around with Ryan the past week, surprised Faith hasn’t caught me yet. I said I wasn’t going to contact him anymore, but that fell through quickly. When it comes to Ryan, I’m weak.
“A couple of guys are coming over tonight, Jess,” Ryan informs me with a wink. This will be the fir
st time he’s ever had a party at his place so this is news to me. “Just a couple of good friends. You’ll have fun, promise,” he assures me, pressing his lips to mine to distract me. It works, it always does.
Ryan leaves the room, leaving me alone, which is something I’ve become to hate. When I am alone, I think. And what I think about brings tears to my eyes and more pain to my heart. My parents probably wouldn’t be proud of me right now with the way I look and the way I’ve been acting.
My phone rings dragging me away from my thoughts. Cassie is calling me and I’m not sure if I want to answer. She’s tried calling me many times all week and I’ve ignored them all, including this one.
Powering off my phone, I stuff it in my bag and zip it shut. I think tonight might be the night I leave Florida.
Ryan returns to the room and scoops me up in his arms. “Want me to make you feel better?” he offers and I nod against his chest. I’m not surprised Ryan knows I use him to diminish the pain. I’m just surprised he continues to let me.
Ryan carries me to the bedroom with ease, laying me down on the cotton sheets. His hands move to my jeans, unbuttoning them before sliding them off my legs, taking my panties with. I help him out of his shirt, then he peels off mine, removing my bra right after.
He grabs the condom from his pocket before he removes his jeans and boxers simultaneously. His eyes explore my body as he applies the rubber, wasting no time parting my legs and entering me.
His thrusts are rough, but it makes it oh so hot. Ryan peppers kisses on my neck, moving up to the spot beneath my ear he knows I like. My fingers dig into his back when one of his hands tugs hard on my hair. While he hasn’t been this rough before, I like it.
I scream his name loudly when I come harder than I ever have before. Rolling off of me, Ryan disposes of the condom and lies back down next to me. “Wow, Jess, that was…just wow,” he says in between breaths.
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