As she made her way to her quarters, Sara mentally wrote the report, checked for FM’s—freaking magic—and emailed it to the Colonel, wondering if he’d noticed how…timely it was.
When the door to her quarters opened, Sara was surprised to find Fyn waiting for her. With all that happened, she’d actually forgotten he was back.
For a long moment, Sara just stared at him. Still half shocked, she stepped in, feeling the door slide past her back. He looked like he was going to say something, but then he reached for her.
Sara reached back. And there was some kissing. Lots of it, actually. It was both a relief and a delight. When they were both in dire need of air, he lifted his head. His green eyes were hot and smoky.
“I didn’t mean to do that until I…explained,” he said.
Sara managed a sort of smile. “Talking isn’t really your thing.”
He smiled then and sighed. And he finally let her go.
Now that Fiona was in the room, it was really crowded. Sara eased past him and dropped down on the bed.
“How’s Fiona?”
He sank down on her stool. “She wants to go back to them, to him.”
Sara felt nausea roil in her very empty stomach. She almost couldn’t stand to hear this.
“I’m sorry.” She looked down, only keeping her hands from clenching by gripping her knees.
“I’m sorry she can’t find her way back. I never did see her.”
He was lucky. Sara still had nightmares about Fiona’s dead eyes.
“He had a long time to work on her.” She took a shaky breath. “We call it brain washing. It’s a process of breaking down the will to…resist. Even the strongest person gets… disoriented…and vulnerable. Then he just put her back together the way he wanted.”
“You would have resisted.”
She bit her lip. She wished she were as sure as he was. She could still feel Adin’s mouth on hers, could still feel how expertly he used his practiced skill against her. She could still remember her horror as she tried to find a way out, but he’d seen all the moves, except the one she finally chose.
That was it, she realized, that was the problem, the reason she couldn’t completely get Adin out of her head. Even at her most helpless in foster care, she’d been able to find ways to get out, to get away, to change the situation. She’d been helpless, felt helpless, but never ever really been without help. She’d never been pushed so completely to the wall.
Who she was, she’d always been able to hide, to protect, to keep alive, even when things got really grim. It still felt…like a cop out to die and she hadn’t even been able to take him with her. She’d been afraid to try too soon, for fear he’d be able to stop her.
Afraid. She’d done things with a high pucker factor, but they’d all been her choice, her decision. He’d hit her where she lived, released her demons—what she’d hated most about foster care, that feeling of being in others’ control, her fear of losing herself in the mindlessness of it all. She wasn’t just fighting Adin, she was fighting herself, fighting the pieces of her past that still wanted to trip her up, still wanted to steal her future.
Fyn gripped her hands, pulling her out of her thoughts. “You beat him.”
“No, I just got away from him. I didn’t beat him.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “But I will. I have to.” She looked at him now. “Or he still wins. I won’t let him control me here. I won’t let him live inside my head forever.”
Fyn touched her cheek, stroking the curve, his touch so gentle it made her want to cry.
“You’re having trouble sleeping, aren’t you?”
“Sleeping I can do. It’s…waking up that seems to be…hard.” She gave a shaky sigh, then managed a smile. “But I’ll get past it.”
“I know you will.”
His confidence helped. Even more, the way he looked at her warmed all her cold, scared places.
“Do you know you’re the only person who looks at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you see me. You make me…real.” Her hand settled on the curve of his cheek. “The only other person who did that was Evie.”
He looked pleased, then he looked down and asked, his voice almost too casual, “So that guy who was your wingman, he seemed to…see you.”
Sara felt her mouth curving in delight. He almost sounded jealous. It was so cute.
“He says he likes my…six,” Sara said, carefully casual. “But I don’t know that he…saw me. We shared a cuppa. I thought I should…move on, since you were married.”
“And did you…move on?” Fyn looked worried.
Sara looked at him. Was he really unsure? She slid her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers. When her toes were curled in her boots and her brain thoroughly scrambled, she eased back.
“Yeah, I moved on. Sorry.” She grinned at him.
He looked a bit rueful, but also amused. “In my world, if one mate revokes the bond, then it is ended.”
“That’s pretty convenient,” Sara said. “It’s more complicated in my country.” She looked down. “So, does this mean you’re…free…to date again?”
His grabbed her hands. “And to…bond again…what you called marry?”
“Marry. Marriage.”
“And if someone from your world wished to marry, how would they go about it?”
“Well, there are lots of different ways to marry in my country, and in my world, actually. But in the military, it’s more complicated.” Particularly if the person in question was, say a freak. Would the Old Man consent to anything right now? “A military puke needs permission from their commanding officer.”
Fyn pulled her close again. She felt warm and safe. She leaned her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating.
“So…someone would have to ask Carey, if they wanted to marry you?”
Sara smiled despite her concerns. “Someone would. But then Carey would have to take it to the Old Man. He’s god on this vessel.” Sara looked up at him. “If…someone was to ask and the Old Man said…no, it wouldn’t be because someone was…not one of us. There would probably be…another, well, reason.”
He cupped her face with his big hands. “He knows, doesn’t he?”
Sara lowered her lashes. She slowly nodded. This wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t know.
“It’s…complicated things. Old Man is worried about the Gadi now.”
“They recognized you, too?”
Sara nodded glumly. “It was a bad moment.” She looked down. “They just see her, not me. They don’t realize I’m not her. Not even close.”
“The colonel is a good man.”
“Yeah.” She leaned against him again. “Yeah, he is.”
“So, if someone wanted to—”
“Propose marriage?” she prompted.
“Yes. How—”
“On our planet, the guy gets down on his knees and begs like a dog.”
“Really?” He sounded repulsed. Maybe he felt her grinning. He pulled her back, so he could see her face. “What’s a dog?”
She had to laugh then. “Oh, Fyn. I do love you.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Yes, it’s very good. If it were, say me, you were wanting to propose to, it means that your chances of getting a positive response are excellent. Though—” Sara frowned. “I should have let you say it first. In our world, if a girl says I love you first the guy usually runs like a rabbit.”
Fyn thought for a moment. “What’s a rabbit?”
She smiled. “If I promise to explain dogs and rabbits later, and shut up, will you kiss me again?”
He looked at her, humor flashing in his green eyes. “I can’t kiss you until you promise to marry me.”
“Oh.” She lowered her lashes for a moment, the lifted them again. “I’ll have to think about it.” She started to count to ten, but he grabbed her at five, holding her face just out of reach of his mouth. She mock sighed.
&
nbsp; “Fine. Man, some people are so—”
He didn’t ask her to shut up and kiss him. He made her.
Which is what she’d wanted all along.
Thirteen
Fyn wasn’t sure how to arrange a meeting with the Old Man, so he decided to talk to Carey first. He tracked him down in the cafeteria. Fyn filled a tray and sat down across from him. They ate quietly for a few minutes.
“So, I want to marry Donovan. That all right with you?”
“Sure—what did you say?”
Fyn looked at him, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I want to marry Donovan. She says you have to give permission.”
“I thought you’re already married?”
Fyn blinked. “Not anymore. Fiona revoked the bonding.”
“Oh.” He was quiet for a minute. “You and Donovan. Wow. Marriage is pretty huge. Are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean, you’ve only been single a few…hours? Don’t you want to, I don’t know, go with it for a while?”
“No.” He’d tried single for many long, lonely seasons. It wasn’t that great.
“You know this has to go to the Old Man, right?”
“That’s what Donovan said.” Fyn hesitated. “She said he might say no.”
“Really? Why would he do that? Okay, you’re from different galaxies and she’s died twice…but that’s no reason to turn you down.” Carey grinned. “I’ll try to make the case for you, but my heart’s not in it, bubba.”
“Are you one of those guys who runs like a rabbit if a woman says she loves you?” He wished he knew what a rabbit was. Sara had a lot of things to show him.
Carey looked surprised, then he grinned. “Probably. Kind of thing that sends a shiver down my back.”
“Where is Donovan?”
“Probably with Briggs. Old Man grounded her, you know.”
No wonder she’d looked so stressed last night.
“So, you’ll let me know?”
Carey nodded. “I’m meeting with him later. I’ll ask him then.”
* * * *
Instead of a few days, the Gadi ship appeared on tracking the next day. Gaedon didn’t exactly catch them on the hop. The Old Man had started prepping to host them as soon as they returned to the sector. Didn’t mean he wasn’t surprised and a bit dismayed. Or that he wouldn’t have liked more time.
He sent Carey to talk to Sara. “Old Man thinks it would be a good idea if you were there to meet their ship—in your dress blues.”
Sara thought for a moment. It was actually a clever play. If it looked they were hiding her, it would only reinforce the idea that Sara had the key.
“Of course, sir. When should I be down there?”
“1400. He wants to know what size escort, too.”
Sara thought for a moment. “Just one jarhead should be plenty.” She smiled. Gaedon wasn’t a dummy. He’d get the message.
“You’re not going to be…nice again, are you?” Carey asked.
“No, sir.”
“Oh.” He almost looked disappointed. “I talked to the Old Man about the…other matter. He’s thinking about it.”
At least he hadn’t turned them down outright.
“Thank you, sir.”
“He wanted me to talk to you about it, but he didn’t tell me what to ask you.” He frowned a bit.
“He probably wants you to ask me if I’ve thought it through, considered the differences, things like that.”
“Oh.” He was quiet for a moment. “Well, have you?”
“Yes, sir.”
He nodded. “Good. I guess that’s all then.”
Sara saluted, hiding a grin. “Yes, sir.”
She went to her quarters and changed into her dress uniform, then made her way down to the transport bay. The jarhead was already waiting for her.
“They’re on approach now, ma’am.”
Sara smiled at him. “Thanks.”
The Gadi bird was really pretty, though again, without any sacrifice of function. She did a quick check of its systems. Not bad, though not as fast as their stuff. Weapons were all energy based. Shields were interesting. She’d like a closer look at them.
She and the jarhead came to attention as a ramp on the back lowered slowly. Two men in full uniform stalked to the base of the ramp and stopped, their backs ramrod straight.
Commander Gaedon emerged, flanked by two more men. When he saw her waiting, he checked briefly.
“Welcome to the Doolittle, sir. If you’ll step this way, I’ve been tasked to escort you to Colonel Halliwell.”
Gaedon looked at her for a long moment, then at the single guard. Humor lit in his eyes.
“It’s a pleasure to see you again, Captain.” He bowed, the movement both grave and courtly.
She’d think he was stuck in the past—if he hadn’t just walked out of a freaking space ship.
Sara nodded her head as importantly as she could manage. She still didn’t know how to curtsey.
“I’m…surprised to see you here.”
As he turned to walk beside her, she said, “Colonel Halliwell thought we might be less intimidating if you saw a familiar face on arrival.”
“It is a face I am not sorry to see again. I would like to thank you for your…restraint.”
She shrugged a bit. “I liked you when you weren’t being a Delta Sierra.”
His brows arched. “Delta Sierra?”
Sara looked at him, her eyes going wide. “I’m not sure how to explain the term. It’s very…technical.” It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to call him a dumb shit, even if he didn’t know what it meant. Or if he did.
She stopped at the elevator and pushed the call button. “We call them elevators.”
He looked around. “Your ship is very…functional.”
It didn’t sound like a compliment. Sara hid another grin.
They all entered and the doors closed.
“Not as pretty as yours,” Sara agreed, punching their floor, “but it works for us.”
“I was hoping we might have a chance to talk, Captain.”
“As long as it isn’t about Miri or keys, I’d be happy to, sir.” She gave him a friendly look, but there was steel in her gaze. The elevator stopped and the doors slid open. “After you, sir.”
He stepped out into the corridor. She could tell he was frustrated, but that was just tough. He was on her turf now. She followed him, with his two guys and her jarhead on their six.
“You are correct about something, Captain,” he said.
“Really? You sure?”
He smiled. “You are very different from Miri—or at least our legends about her.”
“Maybe I take after my father—” Sara felt her insides jerk. Her father. How come she hadn’t thought about him before? All her thoughts, all her attention had been on Miri, but it took two to make a baby.
Sara was relieved to reach their destination. She directed him toward the right door and hit the button to open the doors. He stopped to look at her, clearly trying to find the right words.
He didn’t know there weren’t any.
“The Colonel is waiting, sir,” she said, gently.
He finally nodded and went in, with the escort in tow. It was a relief to have the door close between them. Sara headed back to her quarters to change. As she rounded the corner, she almost ran into Fyn. He stopped, gave her a once up and once down.
“You have legs again.” He grinned at her.
“These are my dress blues. I’ve been escorting the Gadi Commander.”
“That’s what Carey said. I thought I’d wait for you. He said you wouldn’t be long.”
“No, the Old Man tries to keep me out of rooms that Kilburn will be in.” She smiled up at him, wishing the corridor weren’t quite so busy. “You’re just coming off duty?”
He was flying her bird again. She was trying not to mind too much.
He nodded. He was looking at her like he wished the corridor were empty, too.
“Let me get changed
and we can go grab a gut bomb.”
It took her less time to shed the dress uniform, than it took her to get into it. She was hungry. As they walked toward the cafeteria, she said, “Carey says he talked to the Old Man, but he hasn’t decided yet.”
“At least he hasn’t said no.” He hesitated. “What will you do if he says no?”
Sara looked at him. “I don’t know, maybe beg like a dog.” Now it was her turn to hesitate. “He might say yes, but make us wait. This has all happened pretty fast.”
It was hard to believe she’d only known Fyn a couple of weeks. It felt longer, though there were times when his gaze shadowed and she realized he’d lived in a dark place for a long time. Sometimes she almost asked him about it. She didn’t because she knew there were things you talked about and things you didn’t. Not everything had to be got out in the open to be dealt with.
Evie understood that, though the school shrinks never did.
“Are you not sure?”
She stopped. “Wouldn’t be doing it if I wasn’t.”
Sometimes the shadows in his eyes scared her. The past could trip you up if you weren’t careful, but Evie always said, love is a leap into the unknown. You either jumped or you didn’t. If you stood at the edge, trying to see where you were going to land, you’d miss it.
Her head might have doubts, but her heart wanted to leap. Fyn was a…dangerous man, a man with secrets, but he felt like…home.
Looking into his face and feeling her heart speed up with delight, she finally understood why poets wrote about love. Love wanted to spill out, if not into public view, being still too shy for that, then the page was a perfect alternative—if one had the skill for putting into words all the crazy, wonderful feelings.
“Are you all right?” Fyn asked. He looked puzzled.
Sara blinked. “I’m good.”
“Shall we go eat then?”
She realized they weren’t walking. “Right. Sorry.”
She could feel him giving her puzzled looks, but she just kept walking. There were some things you told a man and some things you just didn’t. She may not know a lot, but she knew that.
* * * *
Fyn watched Sara, as another night of booming came to an end. What was the silent song she played most nights when she finished?
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