Mary's Home

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “It is?” Mamm stared out the kitchen window. “The truth is…I don’t know what to say or what I’m saying. Why am I sitting here while you make breakfast? What has happened to us, Mary?”

  “I don’t know.” Tears trickled down her cheeks, and Mary wiped them away before flipping the eggs in the pan. Her hand slipped and punctured two of the yolks, their yellow gooeyness turning solid as they ran across the hot metal.

  Now Daett would have a spoiled breakfast on top of the news that his stable daughter planned to jump the fence.

  Mary turned away from the stove as Mamm came closer. They embraced, the eggs sizzling on the stove as they clung to each other and wept.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Mary sat on the living room couch with Mamm beside her, while outside the house Daett’s buggy rattled into the lane. Deacon Stoltzfus would be with him. The breakfast dishes sat unwashed on the kitchen counter. They could wait, and perhaps they wouldn’t be washed before the sun set. Anything seemed possible at the moment.

  Thankfully, Gerald was in the barn to complete the chores, and Mamm had shooed Betsy upstairs. No doubt her sister would creep back down to listen in the stairwell once the discussion was underway. At least Mary wouldn’t have to repeat any of the painful details to her sister. Mary kept her eyes straight ahead, with her hands clasped in her lap. If Willard saw her now, she would appear a proper Amish woman, demure and submissive, but Deacon Stoltzfus would not be fooled. On their buggy ride back to the farm, Daett had certainly told the deacon of her rebellion.

  Mamm rose from her rocker and shuffled toward the front door. She waited with her hands on the doorknob until Daett and Deacon Stoltzfus were outside on the porch.

  Mamm opened and stood with downcast eyes.

  “Mandy!” the deacon exclaimed. “Are you okay?”

  Tears streamed down Mamm’s face. “Oh, to see Rachel at this hour of our trouble.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus took off his hat and stood with a bowed head. “I would have brought Rachel along, Mandy, but someone had to look after the youngest ones.”

  “The Lord will grant us grace,” Mamm said, her voice choking. “But it is goot of you to come on such short notice.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus nodded and entered the room.

  Mary’s fingers dug into her hands, as Daett comforted Mamm with a hand on her shoulder. “Please gather yourself together, Mandy. We don’t want to keep Mose longer than necessary.”

  “I’ll stay for the time needed,” Deacon Stoltzfus assured them. “And perhaps I can bring Rachel back this evening after we’ve had time to find one of the nieces to babysit.”

  Mamm wiped her eyes. “Thank you! I’m so sorry.”

  “You have our full understanding,” Deacon Stoltzfus assured her.

  Daett cleared his throat and motioned Deacon Stoltzfus to a chair. “We really must move on with this. Mose has his own place to care for. I hope you understand that I wouldn’t have bothered you if this were not such a great shock to us.”

  “This would be a rude awakening for anyone.” Deacon Stoltzfus glanced sternly at Mary. “It appears our faithful church member has not been as faithful as we thought. Is this true, Mary? Are you planning to jump the fence and marry Willard Gabert? The man who was so recently at our church services—apparently under false pretenses? Here the community opened their heart and arms to what we thought was a worthy mission project, only to learn that Willard was luring one of our best unmarried women away with him. How long has this been going on?”

  “That is not what happened,” Mary protested. “I can explain, but I doubt if you will agree with me.”

  “Not if your conclusions lead you to leave the community,” Deacon Stoltzfus told her. “For us, the Lord’s will is found among our own people. We love and support one another, not out there in the world. We don’t stand in judgment of Willard Gabert or his mission work, but he was not raised in the community. The Lord will deal with Willard and his beliefs. You have been taught differently, Mary. You are responsible for things that Willard is not. We know that the Lord’s yoke is easy and His burden light, so why are you walking away from us? You are leaving behind many broken hearts.”

  Mamm sobbed beside the living room window, gazing out at the morning sun. “Listen to the deacon’s wisdom, Mary,” Mamm begged. “You still have time to correct your ways before permanent damage is done.”

  “And listen to your Mamm,” Deacon Stoltzfus added. “An apology to your family would be a start. Then you should cancel this foolish trip to Kenya. What has gotten into you? You have such a goot reputation in the community. You are a trusted woman. That’s why our women made quilts for the Kenyan glue boys. The whole community was stirred in our hearts with compassion, but this is…” Deacon Stoltzfus paused, searching for words. “You have deceived us, Mary. Deception is never of the Lord. What kind of example is this to your sister, Betsy—a young woman whose life has begun to turn around? You must have prayed a few prayers on her behalf. Is this not true, Mary?”

  “I did.” Mary kept her gaze on the floor. “I’m not going to argue with you, Deacon, or blame anyone for what I am doing, but I have to go to Kenya. I promised Willard, and I must know for my own sake.”

  “Know what, Mary?” Deacon Stoltzfus spread his hands in helpless beseeching. “What is there to know in Kenya that is not already known here? The Lord warned us not to run after false prophets who promise that grace would be bestowed somewhere in the desert, or on the mountaintop, or in Kenya. Grace is given to us right where we are. I’m sure you know this.”

  “I do,” Mary agreed. “I don’t want to quarrel with you. I want to be sure I can be the kind of woman Willard needs to stand by his side. I am deeply grateful that Willard has opened his heart and considers me worthy of being his frau, and this after the painful rejection he has been through. A trip to Kenya is the least I can do for him—and for myself.”

  “The man has been rejected by his own people?” Deacon Stoltzfus peered at her. “What does that tell you, Mary? Why are you throwing away your life? Is it because you are afraid of life in the community as a single woman?”

  Mary shook her head. “I know that if the Lord wills it, a life in the community as either a married or single woman brings the happiness and contentment I desire. There are always worthy causes here, but to turn my back on the door the Lord has opened would be wrong. I cannot do that with a clear conscience. I don’t ask that you understand me or believe me. I’m simply answering your questions the best I can.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus appeared stunned for a moment. “This doesn’t answer any of my questions. You create many more with your words. This sounds like one person finding her own way in the world without the council of the community, which is heresy to our people. How can so many be wrong, and you be right? Can you answer that, Mary?”

  “I suppose if the Lord has moved my heart, I should obey Him,” Mary ventured. “I only want to make sure of it by taking this trip.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus’s face fell. “You speak in a way our people do not speak, Mary. We are taught humility and brokenness. We are not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought, and we certainly are not to place our own understanding of the Lord’s ways above that of the brothers and sisters we love.”

  “Please let me go to Kenya, Deacon,” Mary begged. “If I am wrong, I will be honest and admit the error of my ways. But if I am not, I also need to know it. I don’t want to live a life of regret either way.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus stroked his beard in mournful silence before he spoke. “We have many examples of our people who have left the community, Mary. Most of them have regrets, if they would admit them. I would say the people have already trusted you enough. They opened wide their hearts. How much sorrow do you think they will feel when they learn that you used that kindness to pursue a relationship with an Englisha man right under our noses? And that you told no one until you were ready to accept Willard’s marriage proposal?”

  “I’m sorry
I was not as open as I should have been,” Mary admitted. “But there was a reason. I couldn’t believe what my heart was telling me, and it took a long time to accept that.”

  “Oh, Mary!” Mamm wailed. “Listen to yourself talk! This is how people become deceived. You hide things in the darkness, and of course temptation overcomes you.”

  Mary hung her head. “I don’t defend myself. I didn’t do everything right, but I need to make this trip for Willard’s sake even more than my own. I am quite sure of my decision.”

  “Then that answers your question,” Deacon Stoltzfus told her. “I don’t even have to consult the other ministry before I can say for certain. We cannot give our permission for you to leave.”

  Mamm rushed over to Mary’s side. “You know what that means. If you go, you will be in disobedience, terrible disobedience. This is the community speaking, Mary, not just Daett and me. They would have no choice but to…” Mamm’s voice ended in a whimper, and she collapsed on the couch.

  Daett covered his face with his hands and groaned. “My daughter, cast out into the darkness.”

  Deacon Stoltzfus nodded, his face grim.

  “Just think, Mary!” Mamm tried again. “You can’t be right. Your pride has completely eaten you up.”

  “This has gone far enough,” Daett said before Mary could protest. “We are thankful that Mose came over this morning and spent so much time with us. His godly wisdom is something we have to dwell on, especially Mary. I hope he has patience with us as a family while we work through this problem.”

  “I agree.” Deacon Stoltzfus stood up from his chair. “You can have the time you need, Kenneth, but Mary must not make the trip to Kenya. On that, I think I speak for everyone.”

  “We will do what we can,” Daett said. Then he ushered the deacon out the front door.

  Mamm appeared to have passed out on the couch. Should Mary say something? What was there to say? She had known things would be rough, but the waves were higher than she had imagined. But she couldn’t turn back now. She simply couldn’t.

  Mary slipped into the kitchen and began to run hot water in the sink. Soft footsteps approached from behind.

  “That was awful,” Betsy whispered. “I heard everything they told you.”

  “Don’t become bitter,” Mary warned. “We both knew what was going to happen.”

  “I didn’t think it would be that bad,” Betsy continued, undeterred. “I need support from someone quickly, or my courage will fail me. I will become bitter and rethink my own plans.”

  “Please,” Mary begged.

  Betsy’s face brightened. “I’m going to write Ronald and tell him he has to join us on this trip to Kenya. I’m sure he’ll agree. That’s what I need.”

  Mary wrung her hands. “Do you think it’s wise to drag Ronald into this? I should have been more open about the whole affair with Mamm and Daett instead of dropping a bomb on their heads. They said what needed saying. Remember, I would have said the same thing not so long ago.”

  “You are always too kind,” Betsy grumbled. “But I am going to involve Ronald. In fact, a letter is much too slow. I’m calling the Troyers’ phone shack this afternoon. I’ll leave a message if I have to. Ronald is flying with us to Kenya—somehow, somewhere. Willard will make it work. I need someone by my side so you will have someone by yours during this awful time.”

  “You would do that for me? You really would?”

  “You poor dear.” Betsy gave Mary a long hug. “Remember, I will always be your sister. We will stand together, even through excommunication. I know it’s coming because I know what you will find in Kenya, but you can make it, Mary. In fact, when you see that the way is clear in Kenya, you should not come back. I will tell Mamm and Daett the news.”

  Mary’s mouth worked soundlessly for a few seconds. “I can’t run away from things. Once I know for sure, I’ll have to come back and face my excommunication.”

  Betsy hushed Mary with a shake of her head. “Times are changing. After a few years, when everyone sees that you are living a decent life with Willard and caring for troubled boys in Kenya, I will have Ronald make a personal appeal to Deacon Stoltzfus that the excommunication be lifted. Everything will be okay. But don’t think about that right now. We’ll cross the bridge once we get there.”

  Betsy’s kindness overcame her. “You are dreaming,” Mary sobbed. “But you would do that for me—you and Ronald? You have me weeping and wailing at the thought.”

  “Ronald is a very special man,” Betsy assured her. “He thinks outside the box, and things are changing, I’m telling you. I even think he will come to live in the valley. I don’t know for sure, but he’s like that, unlike your horrible Josiah Beiler.”

  “Don’t bring Josiah into this,” Mary protested. “We must love and understand regardless of what happens.”

  “So says the saint!” Betsy muttered. “But not me!”

  “You will love too,” Mary replied through her tears. “I know you will.”

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Willard leaned back in his seat as the Air France flight climbed through the clouds and burst into the starlit sky. Through the small window beside him, the full moon hung above the plane wing. The hurried arrangements of the last few days were behind him—the last-minute checks, the uncertainty, the wondering if the schedule he wanted could be achieved. Grandma had helped with a call to a travel agency in Utica. Ronald Troyer, Betsy’s boyfriend, had met them at JFK at five with his connecting flight.

  Willard took a deep breath and glanced toward Mary, who was sitting in the seat beside him. “Are you okay?”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t look out the window. I’m a little queasy.” Mary made a face. “That’s a nice moon, though.”

  “You’ve never flown before.” This was more a statement than a question.

  Mary’s smile was wry. “I know. Are you having second thoughts about me? Already?”

  Willard chuckled. “Not a chance. And you?”

  “No second thoughts,” she said, gazing up at him.

  He reached for her hand, and Mary leaned over to rest her head against his shoulder.

  “Do you want to talk, now that we have some time?” he asked her. “The flight won’t land until the morning, Paris time.”

  “We have to get some sleep. Or are you a night owl?”

  He grinned. “Would that make a difference?”

  “Looks like I’m learning a lot about you.”

  “I’m not a night owl,” he said. “Are you?”

  “Amish night owls?” Mary laughed. “Hard work will take that characteristic out of you quickly.”

  “I suppose so,” he allowed with a look over his shoulder. “Those two seem to hit it off well.”

  Mary followed his gaze to where Betsy and Ronald were seated a few rows back on the other side of the plane. Betsy noticed and waved, her face aglow with happiness.

  Mary’s eyes filled with tears. “Betsy’s such a dear. I don’t know how I would have made it through the last few days without her support.”

  Willard squeezed her hand. “Catch me up on the news. I’ve been around the Amish community my entire life, but I can’t imagine what you have been through since I saw you up at the cemetery.”

  “Nothing really,” Mary said, in a tone that belied her words. “Two visits from Deacon Stoltzfus. His frau, Rachel, came along the second time. I’m glad we’re flying on a Saturday evening. I don’t think I could have handled the church service tomorrow.”

  Willard reached his arm around Mary’s shoulder to pull her close. “I’m so sorry. You don’t have to do this.”

  “I want to,” she said, smiling through her tears.

  Willard looked away. Her devotion and the love in her eyes were more than he could handle. He didn’t deserve a woman of Mary’s character.

  “Open your heart, Willard,” Grandma had told him before he left to pick up Mary and Betsy. “Do not be afraid to love again.”

  Willard swallowed. They
were both teary-eyed, and the trip had only begun.

  “Thank you for the work you put into planning this trip,” Mary whispered into his ear. “And the cost. I can only imagine.”

  “I don’t want to hear a word about that,” he warned. “Ronald is paying for his ticket and Betsy’s, and the cost you pay in heartache makes any money I spend pale in comparison.”

  “You are worth it.” She smiled up at him again. “I hope I pass every test you put me through with flying colors.”

  “There will be no test, Mary,” he chided. “I already know my answer. I told you that.”

  “That’s what you said, so we are just making sure.”

  “Allowed,” he agreed.

  “Then we are in unity,” she said, her gaze fixed on the bright globe of the moon still visible over the plane’s wing. “There are few things as valued in the community as unity.”

  “Do you want to tell me about the talk with the deacon?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.” Her tears sprang up again.

  “I can try.”

  “Why can’t we just leave that part of my life alone?”

  “Burying pain isn’t wise.” He held her hand in both of his.

  She struggled to speak. “Okay, I’ll try. There is a part of me that knows this is right…you and I, what we are doing. On the other hand, the community speaks to another part of me. It’s the one I’ve lived with most of my life. I grew up with them and believed as they do that the world out there is not for us, that we have the best already, that we can’t improve on community life or our devotion to one another. The Amish believe that the Lord blesses us when we submit to the council of others who watch for our souls. By going with you, I am going against my past, Willard. Maybe it would be easier if I had bitterness in my heart to drive me, like Betsy used to, but I don’t.”

  “I wouldn’t want bitterness,” he told her. “This is the best way, though perhaps more painful. Are you going to make it?”