I did know.
I was so in love with Josh it hurt.
A pained emotion filled his eyes, but he blinked it away.
“You had classes together or something?”
I nodded, looking away as I answered.
Josh used to know me better than I knew myself. If he looked in my eyes, he would know I was lying.
“What’s his name?” he pushed.
I didn’t want to lie to him anymore, so instead of answering, I said, “I don’t like talking about him. Can we talk about something else?”
He frowned, and I saw his mind working.
I could only avoid the subject for long. He wanted answers, but the problem was, I was too afraid to lose him again to give him what he wanted.
34
Josh
Something was off with her, and it worried me. It seemed every time I mentioned Caleb’s father, Jenny got tense and her face would turn pale. It was as if I was mentioning a ghost or a moment she wanted to forget. I knew how that felt. If I could, I would forget Afghanistan and all the moments that changed me because of it.
Thoughts filled my head that I despised, sending my protective side into overdrive. Thoughts like, what if she had been forced? What if I had spent the past three years of my life mad at the woman I loved and blaming her for being raped.
She didn’t have a name. Or if she did, she never mentioned it. And anytime I even brought it up, she would openly ask to change the subject. She wanted to forget Caleb’s father, and while I okay with that, I still wanted to know why.
Guilt was eating me alive, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask her if she had been raped. If she wanted to forget, I certainly didn’t want to force her to remember.
Time slowly passed. Mom was released from the hospital after a second open-heart surgery, which was unexpected, and once we got her settled at home and back on her feet, I got a flow to working the farm and dealing with the horses. I had done it almost all my life, and it was as if I had never stopped.
Genie and Jimmy came by almost every night, bringing the girls and dinner for Mom and me, and after dinner and once I cleaned the kitchen and got Mom settled into bed, I would go to Jenny’s for a few hours, spending time with her watching movies and being together like old times.
Sometimes, Caleb would wake up and climb onto the couch with us, and those nights were even better. If I closed my eyes and imagined I hadn’t gone into the military, I could pretend Jenny and Caleb were mine, and I had my own little family. It hurt to think a child of my own could never be, but if Jenny would let me, I would be there for Caleb as if he were my own if we continued the path we were on.
“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with Jenny and Caleb lately,” Mom said, smiling around her cup of coffee.
She was in her favorite purple housecoat and was wearing the fluffy slippers Genie had gotten her for her hospital stay.
Her shoulder-length hair was a mix of darks and grays and hung loosely beside her aging face.
My parents had children later in life, so my parents were older than most people’s my age. I never paid attention before, but I know it had a ton to do with how good my life had been growing up. My parents were settled and ready and had given Genie and me the world.
I set a plate of eggs in front of her and grinned.
“I have. It’s been nice spending time with them.”
“What’s going on there?” she asked. A small smirk forming on her lips.
I sat down at the table with her and dug into my own eggs. “We’re just getting to know each other again,” I said around my food before I chugged my glass of milk and washed it down.
“Uh-huh.” She stirred her coffee a bit more after adding some sugar. “Just be careful. I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”
“Of course. The last thing I want to do is hurt Jenny. I especially don’t want to hurt Caleb. He’s a good kid.”
Mom’s face cleared, and she nodded, her eyes drifting away from mine as if she were hiding something. “He really is.”
After that, she went quiet, eating her breakfast and reading over the paper. Once I finished my eggs, I collected my things and went to work cleaning out the stalls and feeding the horses. I had learned a few new tricks on the farm in Texas that I used at our place, and it made things much easier. Once I was able, I would hire on a few more people and maybe pick up a new stallion or two for breeding.
Two hours passed and I was working on the tractor when I heard a set of steps crunching over the grass and heading in my direction. I pulled my hat from my head and swiped at the sweat on my forehead with the back of my arm as I waited for the person to come into view around the tractor.
It was Jenny.
She walked toward me, her legs looking long in a pair of shorts and a green tank top. Her toes were painted blue, and I grinned, knowing Emma bear, Devin’s daughter, had gotten her hands on Jenny.
She looked beautiful with her long hair piled on top of her head and a pair of aviator shades shielding what I knew were an amazing set of green eyes.
“Hey, you,” I greeted her with a smile, climbing down from the tractor and pulling off my work gloves.
She grinned at me and tossed a brown paper bag my way. “Hey, yourself. What are you doing out here?”
I opened the bag to find a sandwich from my favorite small-town sandwich shop inside. Ham and turkey on wheat with tons of pickles and mayo. Moving the sandwich, I saw my other favorite, a can of Dr. Pepper, rolling around in the bottom of the bag.
“This is perfect. I’m starving. Thanks,” I said, popping the can of Pep open and taking a long swig.
It burned the back of my throat a bit before the cold liquid slid down and cooled me.
“I’m just tuning up the old tractor. It needs maintenance every now and again.”
“Anything I can help with?” she asked, pushing her shades up into her hair and running her hand over the rusted green tractor.
I envisioned her naked with my greasy fingerprints all over her plump flesh while she tinkered with the tractor. My cock grew hard in my jeans, but I pushed the thoughts away and bit into my sandwich.
“Nah, I think I got it.”
“Do you have time to hang out? I’m on my lunch break.”
“Absolutely.”
Jenny came to me this time. She wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t about to tell her no, even if I had a full day’s worth of shit to get done.
We walked around the farm, and I showed her the new things I was implementing in place of my dad’s old ways. We stopped by the stable so she could see the horses, and I leaned against stable wall and enjoyed watching her as she spoke softly to her favorite and ran her fingers along his silky coat.
When we reached the pond at the back of the property, we stopped to skip rocks the way we used to when we were younger. She reached down, snagged a rock from the shore, and skipped it along the surface of the water. It skipped four times before disappearing into the darkness.
“Nice. Let me see if I still got it.” I grinned before reaching down and collecting my own rock.
I reached back and let the rock fly and it skimmed the surface of the water, skipping six times before we could no longer see it.
“I guess you still got it.”
I chuckled. “I wish.”
“What’s that mean?” she asked, reaching down for another rock.
I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable talking about how I felt inside. “It means I’m different.”
She skimmed the rock over the surface of the water, and it skipped three times before it disappeared into the pond. “How so?”
“I don’t know, Jen. I mean, I’ve seen things. I’ve been through things. I’m not as strong as I used to be, you know?”
Her eyes moved from my face and down over my shoulders before dipping over my chest. I worked out a lot. I knew what she was thinking. I looked stronger physically, and I was. I once had the same assumption. If I worked out
and grew stronger, I could get past my demons, but I was wrong. When I said I wasn’t as strong, I meant mentally. My mind was weak—letting memories move in of their own accord—sending me into false panic moments.
Some days, I couldn’t control the anger. Sometimes I would wake up, and instead of panicking, I would feel the need to destroy everything in my path. I would die if I ever hurt someone I loved, especially Jenny, and I didn’t trust my mind not to play tricks on me. On those days, I worked harder and stayed away. She didn’t seem to notice, or if she did, she didn’t mention it.
“You seem pretty strong to me. I bet you could lift my car.”
I latched on to her sentence and used it to change the subject. “Speaking of which, is that the same car you got for graduation?”
She smiled; her eyes full of pride. “Yep.”
“Damn, that thing was a hunk of junk. Where did your dad get it anyway?”
She shrugged. “Daddy took it as a trade. Do you remember Mr. Johnson?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, his Dodge finally went out on him, and he needed new engine. He can’t afford to feed himself, much less get a new engine, so he offered Daddy the frame. You know Daddy, he couldn’t refuse a classic. Even if it did need everything else.”
I chuckled.
I did know Mr. Michaels, and while he was a bit of a drinker, the man had a love of cars that he passed down to both of his kids.
“That was nice of him.”
She nodded. “Yeah. So Daddy gave it to me. Devin and I built a new engine for him, and Devin paid to get him painted when we were finished since I did such a great job with the engine.”
“Nice. Black with white racing stripes. You always wanted that.”
She blushed a bit and turned away.
I knew her so well. She couldn’t deny it if she wanted to.
“Shut up. It’s a classic look. He’s hot with it.”
Again, I chuckled. “He?”
“Yeah. Carlos. He’s my favorite male. Outside of Caleb, Dad, and Devin.”
I nodded, pretending to understand.
Then a tiny thought punctured my heart.
I had once been her favorite male.
“And I suppose … you too,” she added, making my day without even knowing it.
I grinned at her, glad to hear that I was once again in her good graces. She smiled back at me, and then her face cleared as if she knew she was about to ruin our moment with her next words.
“Josh, I need to tell you something,” she said, her expression turning desperate.
When I looked in her eyes, there was panic. My heart skipped a beat, afraid she was going to pull away or tell me something that would crush me. Things were finally starting to feel normal with us. We were together a lot, spending time just me, her, and Caleb. We had dinner and watched movies. We took Caleb for ice cream and went to the park so he could swing. I had never been so happy, and I walked around waiting for it to all be snatched from me.
She went quiet, squeezing her fingers together so tightly they began to turn white. I reached out and pulled her hands into mine.
“You can tell me anything. You know that.”
I sent out a silent prayer that she wasn’t about to break my heart.
“It’s about Caleb’s father,” she said, linking her fingers with mine.
Relief flowed through me before my shoulders grew tense as I waited for her to tell me what I suspected. Jenny had been forced. Being back in town and around Jenny, I now knew everyone had been wrong about her. She wasn’t what they said she was. Jenny didn’t sleep around, and I had a feeling that other than Caleb’s father, I had still been the only one.
“I’m listening,” I said, pushing her to continue.
She swallowed hard, her delicate throat bobbing up and down. What she was about to tell me was hard for her to say, and I had a feeling once the words were out, she was going to break and need me. I didn’t care what it was. I would always be there for Jenny. I loved her.
Always.
She opened her mouth, and then snapped it closed, and I saw the exact moment the curtain dropped inside her brain and she decided to keep her secret. Pulling her into my arms, I rested my chin on the top of her head and breathed in the sweet smell of her shampoo.
“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here.”
She nodded against my chest. I held her close to me and made a silent promise that whatever it was, I would make it better. No matter what.
35
Jenny
“Ready or not, here I come!” Josh’s voice echoed through the house.
His heavy footsteps made the floors of our old house creak and pop. We could hear him getting closer, and Caleb giggled at my side. We were smooshed together, hiding in the bottom of Caleb’s closet while Josh padded down the hallway searching for us. Doors opened and closed until we heard Caleb’s bedroom door open and knew we were about to be found.
Spending time with Caleb and Josh had become my new favorite thing over the past few weeks. Seeing Josh with his son was an amazing thing, even if Josh didn’t know Caleb was his … yet.
Soon.
Soon I would tell him.
I had tried before, deciding it was best to get it over with, but as soon as the words were about to leave my lips, Josh had looked at me as if I had already broken his heart, and I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt him. He had missed so much already, and I knew the second he found out the truth, he was going to be crushed.
It had to be the right moment, and no matter how many days we spent together, no moment ever felt right. I had so many opportunities, and I hadn’t taken them. I knew Josh. That was going to be the first thing he said to me when he found out. I just hoped that it wouldn’t send us back to a place where we hated each other again. I wasn’t sure I could do that with Josh again, considering all we had been through.
The nights in his arms talking about everything were like having my best friend and the man of dreams back all at the same time. Things were perfect, and I wasn’t ready to let that go yet. Especially not since Caleb was becoming attached to Josh. Without either of them realizing it, they were bonding as father and son. My heart opened even wider for Josh, knowing that even if Caleb wasn’t his, he would treat my child as his own. He loved me that much and obviously loved Caleb, as well.
“I found you!” he called out, pulling the closet door open.
Light filtered into the closet space, and Caleb squealed and took off running toward base, my dad’s recliner. I laughed at his little legs moving so quickly.
Josh reached out for my hand and pulled me up and into his arms.
“I got you,” he teased, running his nose along the side of my cheek.
He placed a soft kiss on the side of my neck that send a wave of chills over my body.
“Yep, you found me.”
He placed another soft kiss on the corner of my lips and pulled away. His eyes held mine, and he smiled. “Now that I’ve found you, do I get to keep you?”
Yes.
All I wanted was to be kept by Josh.
He was mine.
I was his.
Forever.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. “That depends.”
He snickered and licked his lips. “Oh really? On what?”
“Do you have any gummy bears?” I joked.
He chuckled, his dimples showing. “I will buy you all the gummy bears in the world if that’s what it takes.”
“Then I’m all yours.”
At that, he laughed and kissed me harder. We held hands down the hallway and found Caleb sitting on Dad’s recliner with a big smile on his face.
Afterward, when it was my turn to be it and find the boys, I was happy to find them hiding behind Josh’s truck outside, giggling and shushing each other. I loved them together. The way Josh tousled Caleb’s hair and taught him how to tie his shoes. The way Caleb would run to Josh when he needed help with somethi
ng or his favorite truck broke.
It was all too perfect.
In such a short amount of time, Josh was become more than Caleb’s father. He was like a dad, and my heart swelled with love for him knowing he was taking that position without even knowing it was his blood in Caleb’s veins.
We played hide and seek for another thirty minutes before Caleb started to get tired. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, and I knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. We’d had an exciting day. One filled with the pet store, where Josh bought Caleb a hamster named George, that Josh was keeping at his place, and two hours at a small water fountain they had added in the center of town.
Josh went back to his place to check on his mom, who was doing well, while I gave Caleb his bath and put him down for bed. Dad was staying with Janice again, and on those nights, Josh would stay longer, but he would never stay the night. I wanted him to, but he said he didn’t feel right about it since it was my dad’s house and my son was in the room next door. It was a respect thing, and I appreciated that about him.
When he came back, he walked me backward down the hallway to my room where he slowly stripped me naked and made love to me until my legs were quaking, and I wasn’t sure I could take anymore. I hadn’t felt so confident in all my life. Not even when my waist was smaller, and my tits were perky. The way Josh worshipped me, kissing and touching every part of my body, made me feel more beautiful than I ever had in my entire life.
Afterward, we lay there holding each other, basking in the after-sex relaxation, but after an hour or so, Josh moved to get his clothes. He was leaving like usual, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to let him go. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms like I had before.
“Stay,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him back to the bed.
He chuckled and dropped his shirt before leaning over and kissing me. “But Caleb,” he said against my lips.
I reached behind him, grabbing his ass and pulling him farther into the bed with me.
“He’ll be fine. Just stay with me. At least until I fall asleep.”
He climbed in next to me and pulled me back into his arms. His smile was sweet when he reached up and pushed my hair from my eyes and behind my ear.
Thick & Thin (Chubby Girl Chronicles Book 3) Page 23