by Ann, Jewel
My face contorts into a silent ugly cry, and I hold my breath until I just can’t hold it anymore.
“Ave … oh, Avery …” Sydney unfastens her seat belt and leans over the console to hug me.
I weep so hard my ribs feel like they’re cracked, poking into my heart, making each breath feel like it’s tearing me apart. Love is jagged and gritty. It’s Hell. It’s suffocating. It demands to be felt even when there’s nothing left to feel but this painful emptiness.
“Is it over?”
I keep a tight hold on her and nod.
“Are you sure?”
My lips tremble with each stuttered sob as I nod again.
“You’ll tell me why, right?”
“S-someday … b-but n-not now.”
“Alright. But I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”
I’m the furthest thing from okay, but I’ll get there. I always do. “Yes.”
She releases me, holding my face by my cheeks. “You’re going to find the one someday, and he’s going to love you with his whole heart. His eyes will only magnify the good. His heart will be blind to any imperfections. And you’ll feel safe with him. You’ll know he’s there to pick you up. He’ll be there when you need him the most because he’ll just … know. He’ll just …” Sydney glances over my shoulder and tears fill her eyes. “Know …”
I turn to the familiar vehicle parked next to us.
Lautner.
He gets out and slides his sunglasses onto his head. Sydney sobs as he walks around the front of the vehicle. She knows all about “the one.” She married him. And I’ve silently envied their love for years.
“Baby …” he says in a reverent tone as he opens her door.
“You’re here.” She falls into his arms, and I tear up, sharing their loss, mourning my own loss, aching for a man to love me like that.
“Your dad called, but I was already on my way,” he says.
“You’re here.” She wraps her arms around him, and he holds her like she’s his world, all the stars, the oceans and mountains, the air he breathes.
“Of course I’m here.”
“The kids—”
“Home with my dad. Your dad and Deedy are on their way now.”
After he calms her down, his attention shifts to me. “Ave.”
“Pool guy.” I find a small smile for him.
“You okay?”
I nod.
“She’s not.” Sydney pulls away, wiping her eyes.
“I am.” I shrug. “I will be.”
Jake’s truck pulls in two spaces to the left of us. He gets out of the truck and introduces himself to Lautner like nothing has happened between us.
I get out of Sydney’s Lexus and head to his truck, using this opportunity to get the rest of my stuff out of it while he’s distracted with Lautner.
Unfortunately, the distraction doesn’t last.
“I’ll get it.” Jake eases the tailgate down just before I can release it.
I step away. I look away. I wish I could just fly away.
He sets my other bags down on the ground and gets Swarley’s stuff out of the backseat. Without saying a word, I open the back of Sydney’s SUV and start loading the stuff with Jake’s help.
He shuts the back when we’re done. Sydney and Lautner already went inside. I assume they’ll ride together with Swarley in Lautner’s vehicle while I follow them in Sydney’s Lexus.
“I’m not going to tell Megan.” Jake slides his fingers into the front pockets of his jeans. “Nothing good can come from it.”
I blink several times as I process his words, but really it’s his tone that says the most. He’s genuinely angry with me. And maybe part of his anger is the letdown of thinking he loved me, of thinking that he could love me. “I don’t care if you tell her or not. If you want me to tell her, I will tell her. If you want me to leave without a word, I will do that.”
Again, I stop before I go into full defensive mode. I want to scream at him. I didn’t know he was married! But maybe I should have known. Right now I can’t think past the grief and pain, so I question my memory. I wonder if I missed some clues along the way. Did I see Steve how I wanted to see him, instead of how he really was? Did I miss the tan line from a wedding band? Secret texts? Should I have questioned the traveling he did for “business,” or his mother’s supposed cancer diagnosis? The dog? The apartment he rented instead of owning a house? Did I blindly let our relationship be what I wanted it to be instead of what it really was?
“I won’t say anything. And I’m sorry. I—”
“Don’t.” He shakes his head. “She lost a child. Do you get that? How can you be with someone and not make actual connections to their life? Did you meet his ‘sick’ mother? Did you meet his best friend? An uncle? A coworker? The only reason you should have agreed to let me give you a ride was because of my relationship to Deedy. There was a connection. That meant you knew I didn’t have a hidden life. For the love of God, Avery … know something about a man before you crawl into his bed!”
“Don’t!” I shove his chest. “You don’t get to lecture me.” I shove him again, but he doesn’t budge. “You weren’t in my shoes. You fell in love with me. So it shouldn’t be some fucking surprise that maybe someone else did too. It’s not my fault. I didn’t know he was married. Do you have any idea how many men travel to L.A. for business and even own apartments there? YOU own one there!
“I asked about his family. He said his dad died and his mom had cancer. He said he was an only child. I don’t have that many close friends, so I didn’t question him not introducing me to his BFF. And I’m sorry Megan miscarried, but maybe it was somehow meant to be since Steve was cheating on her. She can find someone else and start a family and just …” I press my palms to the side of my head and close my eyes on a long exhale. “Just forget about him.”
When I open my eyes, Jake clenches his fists and his jaw. There’s not forgiveness in his eyes. It wasn’t my fault. Why can’t he see past this?
“She was twenty-two weeks pregnant. He told her about the affair and then he left. She asked him to leave, but still … he fucking left her. Need I say where I suspect he went? The next day, she started bleeding. Over the next twenty-four hours, I was by her side when she lost her child, twelve units of blood, and her uterus when they had to perform a hysterectomy. Then I held her hand while she was in the ICU on life support. I said I was her husband because Steve wasn’t … fucking … there!”
My eyes release one round of tears after another as I remain idle, rooted to the ground, and numb to my bones. I remember the call in the middle of the night. Steve flew out of bed, frantic because his mom had been taken to the hospital and was in the ICU. His mom.
Fuck you, Steve.
I want to say something—anything. This isn’t me. I don’t sleep with married men. I’m probably too materialistic sometimes, and I should spend more time cultivating friendships than looking for the perfect handbag and the perfect man. But I’m not a home-wrecker. I would never knowingly be with a married man. I’m a lot of things, not all of them good, but I am. Not. That. Woman.
I’m not Francine.
“Ave, ready?”
I turn toward Lautner’s voice as he carries …
Oh god …
Swarley’s in a black bag in Lautner’s arms. Sydney silently weeps as she opens the back door to his vehicle. Megan steps outside and wraps her arms around her body. She looks tired and mournful—kind and innocent.
I turn back toward Jake. Before this trip, I would have been a slave to my ego and coddled my wounded pride. I would have bit my tongue and hopped in the vehicle, content with no goodbye. Jaded by yet another failed relationship.
Jake changed things. I’m not that Avery anymore.
The car door behind me closes, and I hear the heart-ripping sob of Sydney.
“We’ll survive this, baby,” Lautner says to her as he gets in on his side.
I don’t have to see them to k
now that he’s holding her, loving her, and being the one for which all other men should strive to be. He forgave her of so many things. His love never wavered. They were stronger than bad days, bad decisions, and bad timing.
I want a love like that.
Clenching Jake’s shirt in my fists, I lift onto my toes and kiss the angle of his jaw next to his ear. “Thank you.”
He swallows hard, hands limp at his sides. I step back, seeing something resembling true emotion—painful emotion—in his reddening eyes.
I turn and make the five steps to Megan. “Thank you.” I offer my hand to her.
She pulls me in for a hug, squeezing out several tears. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more.”
My reply can’t wedge its way past the aching heart lodged in my throat, so I just nod and hope she knows I appreciate all she did. I embrace her tighter, praying she’ll remember this moment if Jake ever tells her the truth.
I’m so incredibly sorry.
“I hope we get to spend more time together under better circumstances next time.”
I release her and find a tiny smile. There won’t be a next time. This isn’t a love story. It’s a tragedy of the heart.
Rolling my lips together to muzzle the pain that’s screaming to be heard, I wipe my tears and nod.
Lautner starts his car. I tap on his window, and he rolls it down.
“I don’t have a phone,” I whisper because anything more than this will involve me vomiting my heart.
He hands me Sydney’s phone. “The code is 870100.”
I swat away more tears and take the phone, giving a quick glance to the black bag in their backseat.
Swarley …
Jake stands on the edge of the curb as I get into the driver’s seat of Sydney’s Lexus. I slip on my sunglasses, fasten my seat belt, and start the engine—but I don’t look his way.
As soon as I back out of this parking spot, I can let go of these emotions. I can try to breathe, even if it hurts. I just need to hold it together for ten more seconds.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
I start to back out.
Bang!
I brake.
Jake’s hand is pressed to the window. He closes his eyes and curls it into a fist, his chest expanding like he’s taking all the oxygen from the air. His hand slides to the door handle and he waits, blinking open his eyes and giving me an expectant look.
I put the car in park and unlock the door.
He opens it and emotion fills his eyes. “Why did it have to be you?” His hand cups the back of my head and he kisses me.
Five four three two one.
I release a muffled sob as he kisses me.
Just as quickly as his lips crashed to mine, he peels them away. “Bye, Ave.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Sydney and Lautner send me home when we get to L.A., leaving me with a temporary phone and Sydney’s Lexus. They want time alone with the kids to break the news about Swarley. I don’t argue. I’m nothing more than an empty vessel with a pulse. Watching Ocean react to Swarley’s death would end me completely.
“Your stuff is gone.”
I glance back at my neighbor, Dave, as he steps out of his apartment across the hall and locks his door.
“What?” I turn my key and open the door to my empty apartment. A sigh escapes my mouth, a slowly deflating tire. This should cue the tears, but I don’t have any more tears. I gave them to Swarley and Jake. Then I drained the last few drops of salty grief on my way home.
Home.
Where the hell is that?
“Three days ago. That fancy-suited guy of yours arrived with a small moving crew. Everything was gone in just under two hours. Honestly, I was afraid to ask, but I thought maybe something had happened to you. I even checked the obituaries yesterday. Glad you’re not dead.”
“Well, that makes one of us,” I murmur.
“I overheard the manager out here yesterday. They’re changing the locks tomorrow. There goes your deposit.”
I nod, entranced by the emptiness of my apartment.
And my heart.
My life.
It’s numbing. But numb is good at the moment.
“Do you have a place to stay?”
The Lexus. I’m going to sleep in a vehicle, then I’ll stay with Sydney tomorrow, but I’m not going to their house tonight.
Leather seats.
No bugs.
It will be a huge upgrade for me.
“Avery, if you need a place to stay for a few nights, Randy is out of town until next week. You can crash in his room.”
Everything. Anthony took everything.
Jake … well, he took all the intangibles.
“Avery?” Dave dangles a key in front of my face. “Yes? No? You look like a zombie. Listen, it’s up to you, but I have to get to the hospital for a soul-draining twenty-four-hour shift.”
Leather seats versus neighbor’s likely old mattress and a shower.
“Shower,” I whisper.
“What?”
I shake my head, trying to bring it above the surface to keep from drowning in my ugly reality. “Um, yes. Thank you. I’d be so grateful if you’d let me stay tonight. I’ll go to my sister’s tomorrow.”
“Cool.” He hands me the key. “Make yourself at home.”
I muster the closest thing to a smile that my lips can form. “Thank you.” Taking his key with my left hand, I drop my apartment key from my right hand. It clinks on the hard floor.
Dave glances at my discarded key for a few seconds before giving me a sad smile. “Chin up, buttercup. I’ll see you later.”
“Later,” I whisper as he takes the stairs to the main level. Grabbing the one suitcase I brought up with me, I wheel it into Dave’s apartment, shut and lock the door, and collapse onto the sofa. I don’t need a bed or even a shower at the moment. I just need to sleep to escape the pain for a few hours.
* * *
The next day, we say a final goodbye to Swarley with a proper burial, a tree planted next to him, and lots of tears. Dad and the Deedy arrived last night and stayed at a nearby hotel to give Sydney’s family the privacy they needed to break the news to the kids. They planned on getting married before making the trip to California, but life tends to laugh at plans.
It’s presumptuous of humans to think we have one bit of control over what happens in life. I may be a little angry at the moment.
“We are going to the beach. Lautner took a personal day. Thought it would be a good idea to spend the day with the kids. Take some pictures. I haven’t had my camera out in a long time. Dad and Deedy are staying here, but you should come with us.” Sydney puts the brunch leftovers in the fridge while I wash the dishes, staring out the window at the Deedy standing next to Ocean by Swarley’s grave just beyond the fenced-in pool.
Ocean hugs Deedy, wiping her teary face on Deedy’s sundress. They’ve bonded quickly. Good for Ocean; she’s more mature than her Aunt Avery. I bet she’s never thought about Deedy and Papa naked, doing things that could cause Papa to have another heart attack. Her innocence is enviable at the moment.
“I need to find a job.”
“Lautner said you need to see a physical therapist about your hand.”
“Those cost money.”
“We’ll loan you money until you find a job and get some health benefits.”
I shake my head as Sydney retrieves a towel from the drawer next to me and dries the dishes. “I’m not looking for charity. Well … I could use a place to stay until I get something figured out.”
“Stay? What do you mean? Where did you stay last night?”
“On my neighbor’s sofa. Actually …” My lips twist. “I suppose ex-neighbor since I no longer live there.”
“Ave …”
“Gone.” I draw in a shaky breath, keeping my focus on the sudsy serving tray in my hands. “All of my stuff was gone. Anthony took everything.”
“What? He can’t do that. There’s no way everything in your apartment was purchased by him. You need an attorney, Ave. You can’t just let him get away with this.”
“Yeah, well … attorneys cost money too.”
“We’ll pay for—”
“No, Syd. I don’t want you fighting this battle for me. Hell, I don’t even want the battle. Whatever … it’s just stuff.”
Sydney takes the serving tray from me and rinses it. “Um … who are you? It’s just stuff?”
“Yeah, I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I don’t need …” I close my eyes, rolling my lips between my teeth.
“Dad said we’re going to the beach.” Ocean and Deedy come in the back door.
“Yes, sweetie pie. We are.” Sydney drops the towel on the counter and hugs her daughter.
“Is Aunt Avery coming?”
I pin a stiff smile onto my face and turn around. “Actually, I’m going to stay here with Papa and the De—” I clear my throat. “Deedy. I’ll take you to the beach next week. Just the two of us for girl time. Does that sound okay?”
Ocean rubs her red eyes and nods. “Okay. I guess …”
“Let’s go get changed.” Sydney runs a loving hand through Ocean’s long, dark hair and guides her toward the stairs.
“I’m going to have a cup of tea. Can I get you one?” Deedy asks, filling the electric tea kettle.
I shake my head and return to the sink filled with dishes. “Where’s my dad?”
“He said he had a quick errand to run, but he had this mischievous look in his eyes, so I’m not sure what he has up his sleeve.” She takes over Sydney’s job and dries the dishes while waiting for her water to heat up. “I talked to Jake last night.”
“That’s nice.”
“He seemed really distressed.”
The Deedy doesn’t understand that “that’s nice” is code for I don’t want to talk about Jake.