by Ann, Jewel
“I’d gathered something might be going on between you two … Sydney leaked that much to your dad and me. But after talking with Jake, I now realize it was something quite serious. I’m sorry, Avery. You must be emotionally exhausted. If you want to talk about it.”
“What’s there to talk about? Jake makes everyone think he’s amazing, while I’m just the whore he screwed on a road trip. Does that about sum it up?” I scrub the shit out of the glass pitcher.
“You’re going to etch the surface.” Deedy takes the abrasive scrubber and the pitcher from my hands. Then she rinses it off. “Coffee more your taste?” She holds up the half-full coffee pot.
Resting my hands on the edge of the sink, I close my eyes and nod once.
“Cream? Sugar?”
“No.”
“Please, have a seat … just for a few minutes. The dishes can wait.”
On a defeated sigh, I surrender, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Deedy sets a red mug of coffee in front of me and sits across from me with her hot tea.
“I met Gavin in college.”
I sip my coffee and glance over at her when she doesn’t elaborate. “Gavin?”
She shakes her head, staring at the tea bag as she bobs it in the hot water. “Jake didn’t share much about himself. Did he?”
My shoulders lift a fraction as my lips twist. I hate that Deedy knows things about Jake that I don’t know. It makes me feel like a fool who spread her legs for him. I fell in love with a man I don’t really know. And he fell in love with the version of me he created. Now our bubble no longer exists, and we are nothing.
“He’s a vegan chef who owns two restaurants. He was a fighter or boxer … or something. I met his dad and Francine. She’s basically me—in his mind. That led to a fight and a confession. His mother committed suicide after losing a battle with depression. She lost a baby, so he’s an only child.” I glance up from my coffee mug. “But I don’t know about anyone named Gavin. And I don’t even know how you two met.”
Deedy removes her tea bag, squeezing the excess water out before setting it on a napkin. “Gavin was my husband.”
I nod slowly.
“And Jake’s uncle.”
My eyes widen, lips parted, words muted as my brain pieces things together. Jake’s uncle. That means Deedy is Jake’s aunt. She’s going to marry my dad. That will make me … Jake’s cousin? No, that’s not right. But it feels like there’s a family tie that makes what we’ve done even more wrong.
“You have a disgusted look on your face. Is it the coffee?”
“No. It’s just that makes Jake …”
“Gavin was his father’s younger brother—a lot younger and nothing like his father. Jake and Gavin were more like cousins or brothers than uncle and nephew. After Jake’s mom died, he lived with Gavin because—”
“He didn’t want to live with his father. He told me that.”
“Yes. Gavin is the one who helped channel Jake’s anger into a better outlet. Fighting. He trained him. Jake was like another brother to me. I never thought of him as a nephew after Gavin and I got married.” She shrugs and gives me a soft smile. “Jake’s my family. He always will be family.”
“Well, clearly he thinks a lot of you because I can’t tell you how many times his mumbled mantra ‘do it for Deedy’ kept him from literally killing me on our trip.”
Deedy grunts a laugh. “Jake feels indebted to me. He feels guilty … responsible for Gavin’s death.”
“Why?” My head cocks to the side a bit.
Deedy takes a slow breath. Then she bites her bottom lip, eyes focused on the blank table space between us.
“They went to a fight to watch a mutual friend. I stayed home to pack for a mission trip we were supposed to take the following day.” Her gaze meets mine. Time hasn’t erased the pain. It’s red in her eyes, very much still alive.
“After the fight, there was a dispute. Some guy who Jake fought years earlier wasn’t happy to see him again. He was one of Jake’s opponents who left on a stretcher.” Deedy blows out another breath and returns her gaze to the table and three years earlier.
“Gavin started to argue with the guy. Jake tried to keep things from getting out of hand, so he pushed Gavin back to put himself between them. Gavin tripped on something and fell backward. He hit his head on a concrete ledge of the next level of seating.”
Deedy shakes her head slowly. “No cut. No bump. He didn’t lose consciousness. Got up on his own and dusted himself off like it was no big deal. Seemingly unscathed. Jake suggested he get checked out by a doctor, but Gavin said he’d taken much harder hits to his head when he was a fighter.”
She’s The Deedy. Stealer of my father. Haunter of my Jake fantasies. Yet, I can’t keep my hand from reaching for hers, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Deedy smiles at our hands. “He came home. Showered. I looked at his head, but it looked fine. He was fine. Fine …” Her face contorts into a grimace. “Until he wasn’t. He got this severe headache and felt dizzy. His words were confusing. I called Jake and told him I was going to take Gavin to the hospital. He told me to call 9-1-1.” Her words come out shaky. She clears her throat. “He died later that night. It was an epidural hematoma caused by blunt impact.”
I don’t speak or even move. What’s there to say?
“So…” Deedy pulls her hand from mine and wraps it around her cup of tea “…there you have it. Jake’s endured a wide array of trauma in his life. He carries guilt like an inoperable tumor attached to his conscience. Working with food. Caring for the environment. These things have helped him deal with his suppressed emotions. But he’s not without triggers.”
I laugh through the pain. “I’m clearly a trigger for more than one of his traumatic moments in life. But … that’s over. Doesn’t matter now. However, I’m truly sorry for your loss.”
“Gavin was my first love. I believe Tommy is my last love.”
Tommy. I grin, but I fear it might look like a cringe.
“Sorry. Your dad. Tom? Thomas? What works for you? I don’t like it when you’re uncomfortable with our relationship. I want us to be friends, not just family by marriage.”
The Deedy and I forging a friendship? I’m not sure about this, but it feels like the odds are in her favor now that I know for sure there was nothing sexual between her and Jake.
“He’s going to be your husband.” I smile. “Call him whatever you want to call him. I’ve just never heard anyone call him Tommy before, but maybe that makes it even more fitting for you to call him that. I think had my mom called him that, it would feel wrong in a bad way, not just in an unfamiliar way. Does that make sense?”
“Perfect sense.”
This is awkward. I had my mind set on hating Deedy for no particular reason. Immature? Sure. But I’ve got my own baggage. “So …” I stand before the silence gets too weird. “Tell me about the wedding.” I busy myself with the dishes again.
“We’re out of here. Sure you don’t want to come?” Sydney peeks her head into the kitchen.
“I’m good, but thank you.”
Deedy gives Sydney a wave just before my sister and her family head out the door. “Well, I assume we’ll have the ceremony as soon as we return to Milwaukee. Everyone is invited; we just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or have anyone feel like they had to make the trip, so that’s why we said we’d get married then come out here for a family reception of sorts.”
“Well, it’s kind of a big deal if you bought a wedding dress.” Okay, our friendship is a work in progress. It’s none of my business what Deedy wears for her second wedding. Maybe she eloped with Gavin and never had a chance to wear the white gown. No judgment here.
Dammit!
Maybe a little judgment. Old habits …
“Wedding dress?” Deedy chuckles. “Your dad is something else. I heard him telling you about my wedding dress. I love him, but he’s still such a guy. I bought a dress. It’s white. I’d wear it to church or someone else�
��s wedding. There’s no train. It hits just below my knees. No rhinestones. No lace. Just a simple white dress.”
With my back to her, I grin. Fucking hell anyway …
Sorry, Heavenly Father.
Darn it anyway … I think I like Deedy. How did this happen?
“It sounds perfect.”
“Yeah, it’s still a church wedding, but small. Mainly our church family. But I’m excited. And for what it’s worth, I’m just as excited to walk down the aisle to marry your dad as I was when I married Gavin.”
I nod, keeping my gaze firmly planted to the sink. No way. Friends or not. Deedy is not going to make me cry. I’ve hit my yearly limit of tears in the course of a month.
“You know …” Deedy resumes her dish-drying job. “Jake told me about your relationship with Megan’s ex-husband.”
Relationship. “Huh … that’s interesting. Last I checked, being someone’s whore is not really a relationship.”
“Avery, don’t say that. Please … that is not true at all.”
“Yeah, well, tell Jake that.”
“I did. What happened to Megan when she lost her baby, that really affected Jake because he was the one there for her, even when they weren’t sure if she’d live. His anger was sharp and unforgiving.”
“I know. I felt that sharp and unforgiving anger.” I can’t help the anger in my words.
“Whatever he said to you, it was not Jake. It was anger over what happened to his friend and fear of his feelings for you. Give him time. He’ll come around.”
I laugh and it grows into something bordering hysterical. “That’s …” I catch my breath and calm my painful amusement. “That’s just it … I don’t care if he comes around.” Drying my hands, I pace the kitchen to expend some of this energy before it explodes, sending me into a ranting lunatic.
“Don’t get me wrong, being the object of Jake’s affection is incredible. His brooding attitude—his need to protect—it’s like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. And when he’s kind and loving, well … it’s so intense I could die and not regret a single moment of my life. But when he’s not nice, when he’s degrading, when he’s as you say not Jake, I feel stupid. And I’m not stupid. I have to stop being a disposable girlfriend.”
“I can assure you, he doesn’t think you’re a disposable girlfriend.”
“He does. The girlfriends you keep? The ones you marry? You don’t let them walk away. You. Keep. Them. And you don’t have sex with your cook and develop a sudden affinity to chocolate all while claiming to love your girlfriend!”
So much for averting the ranting lunatic.
“Whoa … wait. Jake had sex with his cook? An employee at his restaurant? When?”
“No. Not Jake. Anthony. Just … never mind. My point is, Jake treating me like every girl he’s ever hated makes him like every asshole I’ve had the displeasure of dating. I’m not going to train him to be worthy of me. That’s bullshit. I’m worthy of a good man. A good, honest, loving man. A man who really sees me, even if I don’t see myself, even if it’s not always a beautiful sight … he loves me. And I thought that was Jake, but it wasn’t. Jake didn’t see me. He saw what he wanted to see to justify his attraction to me. I will never live up to his expectations of me. It’s too exhausting. It’s … too much.”
Deedy leans against the counter as I pick up my pacing speed, preparing for her to jump to Jake’s defense.
I wait.
And I wait.
“Good for you. You absolutely deserve that kind of man. Don’t ever think otherwise.”
I stop, mouth agape.
More waiting.
“And?”
Deedy shrugs. “And nothing.”
“You’re not going to sing Jake’s praises and convince me to forgive him if he comes around and wants my forgiveness?”
“Nope. Honestly, while Jake is family in my heart, I try to let him make his own decisions. I try to let him distance himself from the past where I was married to Gavin. I haven’t even told your dad everything about Jake and his relationship with Gavin. I want Jake to share those details if and when he’s ready.”
My clenched hands relax along with my tense shoulders and stiff jaw. “Okay then. Just …” I blow out my pent-up anger. “Know that I do love him. I just need to love myself more—in an emotional, self-preservation way. And thank you for not telling my dad every detail. Even now, I don’t want him worrying about me.”
“I’ll eventually tell him because I don’t want to have secrets between us.”
I nod slowly.
“But Avery … going back to what you just said …you don’t have to love yourself before you love someone else, but it sure is a gift to them if you do. And you owe me no explanation for whatever you decide about Jake.”
Ouch. Did I expect Jake to love me enough for both of us?
“I think I need time,” I whisper.
“Time is good.” She walks toward me.
We are not hugging it out.
Crap.
She wraps her arms around me. I stiffen. She hugs me tighter. I hold my ground.
Hold it.
Hold tightly.
Hold my breath.
Double dammit, Deedy! Here come the tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Where’s my stuff?”
“Hey, baby. You back in town? We should have dinner and discuss your dilemma.” Anthony’s once honey-smooth voice feels like a nasty case of road rash on my nerves.
Dilemma? My knee will show his shriveled nuts a dilemma, right after I knock out his stupid capped teeth so all he can do is lick chocolate mousse from Kim’s loose lower lips.
“My stuff, asshole. I had a place to live filled with furnishings before I met you.”
“I got you a bigger apartment.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that. So you can hand it all back over to me or my attorney will make sure you pay out the ass for all the emotional stress you put me through over the past month.”
“I let Kim go.”
“I don’t care.”
“I miss you.”
“I despise you.”
“Sounds like a recipe for angry, make-up sex. Remember that, baby? Remember how you used to get all pissed off at me for something and we’d fuck like rabid animals.”
“Don’t flatter your geriatric ego. I’d hardly call doggy style fucking like rabid animals. I’m not sure you ever actually finished that way. You’d get a cramp in your leg, and I’d have to ride it out on top and finish you with a hand job because you forgot your ED medication. Now, if we’re done pretending you’re young, sexy, or even a remotely decent human, can you just tell me where my stuff is, so I can never talk to you again?”
“One meal. Dinner. If you still want us to be over after dinner, I’ll have all of your stuff delivered wherever you’re living now. Deal?”
“YOU HAVE MY STUFF! WE’RE NOT PLAYING LET’S MAKE A DEAL. I’VE BEEN FUCKING ANOTHER MAN WITH A MUCH BIGGER COCK FOR WEEKS. WE. ARE. OVER!”
Someone clears their throat. I turn from my hiding spot on the side of the pool house. I thought I was the only one out here.
“Uh … Syd was looking for her phone,” Lautner says with my dad standing next to him.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I’ll make this one question quick. Why? Just … why?
“Gimme a sec. Okay?” I whisper, returning a tight smile. Just lovely. My brother-in-law—Mr. Perfect—and my minister father now know about my extracurricular activities on my road trip—and the approximate size of Jake’s cock.
Lautner nods. Dad scowls. I roll my eyes and turn my back to them.
“Baby—”
“Nope. Not your baby. Not having dinner with you. Just going to call my attorney as soon as I hang up which is right…” I glance over my shoulder to make sure the eavesdroppers have scattered “…fucking now.” I press end.
Three nights with my sister and her perfect family is too much. I need a p
lace of my own. I need out. I need space. I need quietude and freedom from constant, sympathetic glances.
My loving family goes silent when I walk in the house, all eyes on me.
“Sorry. Here’s your phone.” I set Sydney’s phone on the end of the kitchen counter.
“No big deal. I just need a phone number out of my contacts. Is … everything okay?”
I frown at my dad and Lautner. They divert their gazes. Cowards. Tattletales.
Homeless. Phoneless. Carless. Yep, I’m great.
“Everything’s great. So … what’s the plan for dinner?”
“We’re going out. Lautner made reservations. It’s sort of a … rehearsal dinner.” Sydney smiles, giving our dad and Deedy a warm expression.
“Rehearsal dinner?”
Deedy opens the top of a shipping box that’s on the kitchen table. “Tommy arranged to have my dress shipped here.” She holds up the white dress. It’s pretty, but she’s right; it’s not a wedding gown.
Dad rests his hand on Deedy’s lower back. “We’re getting married tomorrow. I arranged everything. It’s at a small church near Lautner’s hospital. An old pastor friend of mine, it’s his church. He’s agreed to marry us.”
Everyone watches me like I’m the final say in this plan. I’m not. I don’t have anything at the moment. Are these people really going to entrust me with blessing a wedding?
“Alrighty then.” I smile.
A collective sigh spreads across the room. Geesh … am I really that bad? Everyone scatters like there are a million things to do to beat the clock.
“Grab your purse. We’re going for manis and pedis in ten minutes,” Sydney says just before leaving the kitchen.
“I can’t afford it.”
“My treat.”
“I don’t want it!” I cringe as Deedy and my dad look at me, and the scattering bodies freeze. Clearing my throat, I paste on an apologetic smile. “I just mean, I’m giving my nails a break from polish. They haven’t seen freedom in years.”
Sydney nods slowly. “Just a mani and pedi. You can do that without getting them polished.”
“Um …” I feel so stupid and lost and … out of my mind because Jake messed me up. “Sure. That would be great. Thank you.”