Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  “He sounds perfect,” he hisses. It’s him, it’s Sam. How in the fuck is he able to call me? And how did he know I had the baby already?

  “Leave us alone!” I slam the receiver down startling the baby again. “Oh, Mommy is sorry baby, don’t cry.” I kiss his head and pat his back gently again and he begins to calm. I try and feed him again from the other side this time, but he doesn’t seem interested. I settle on cuddling him instead. Just then the phone rings for a second time. I snatch it up quick and scream “Leave me the fuck alone asshole!!”

  “Whoa, you got your panties in a twist or what?” Oh, thank goodness, it’s Jess.

  “Sorry, Jessie he just…Sam just called here.” When I say it out loud, I get a chill that flows all the way up my spine to the base of my neck.

  “Oh, shit. How did he even know you had the baby already? And how in the world does the prison not know he is calling his victim? You need to talk to your lawyer about that. They need to put a stop to that. As if the letters weren’t bad enough.” She’s right. The letters I could just throw away, but is he going to start calling me now? Sick fuck!

  “Yeah you’re right, I will get it taken care of.” I trail off. “Sooooo are you coming by to see your nephew or what?” I change the subject hoping she follows suit.

  “Yes, I am on my way I just wanted to make sure you were feeling up to a visitor.”

  “Always for you Aunt Jessie!” I can hear the smile in her voice when she answers.

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes! I can’t wait!”

  After about an hour Jess finally graces us with her presence. She looks frazzled.

  “Where the hell have you been? You said ten minutes. It’s been a flipping hour!” she looks out of breath.

  “I know, I know I got a damn flat tire and had to call Colton to come change it for me and then traffic was terrible.” She breaks mid-sentence as she notices we are not alone. She gazes at Evan and puts both hands up to her face in awe. She begins the machine gun but this time she is crying not laughing.

  “Can I hold him?” I nod and hand him over. He is awake now, but his eyes still look sleepy. She has her nose buried in his neck and inhales deeply. She looks up and me and finally speaks. “I want one.” We both giggle. “Wow, he is just so perfect. Aren’t you little one? You look like your mama huh? You have her eyes.” She turns to me once more. “So how was it? The labor? Awful? Painful? Scary? Tell me. No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to be scared.” I interrupt her rant.

  “It was not the most comfortable experience, to say the least…But, totally worth it.” I am beaming as I say the words. I would do it a thousand times over to have this sweet little boy.

  “Well, I am so proud of you. He is amazing and he really does make me want to have one. All in good time, I guess. I’ll bring that up to Colton on our wedding night!” She laughs out loud. I can just hear her telling him right after they say I do. ‘Oh, and by the way let’s get pregnant’ he’ll die! I mean it took him how many damn years to propose in the first place? I keep my mouth shut though. I want her to have a baby. How great would it be to have our kids close in age? What if she had a girl and they got married? Awe how sweet would that be?

  “What is with the huge grin?”

  “Oh, nothing. I was just fantasizing how great it would be if we had kids the same age. We could do sports together and dances and all kinds of fun stuff!” I can feel myself getting excited. I am such a dork.

  “Slow down you're putting the poor kid in high school already and he’s only a few hours old!” She is right but I just can’t help but think of him when he is a toddler, in his quirky teen years and when he is grown up. I hope I can make him happy. And I hope he always loves me too even when he is a moody teen. I want to raise him to be respectful and kind. I can tell by looking into his eyes that he will be nothing less.

  “Yeah, I need to enjoy day by day. He is pretty great, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah, I would say more than just pretty great.” We are both beaming with joy staring at Evan. I could do this for hours.

  *

  The time in the hospital comes and goes. When we leave Evan weighs in at six pounds. He has only lost a few ounces since his birth. The doctor gives both the baby and me a clean bill of health, which means we get to go home. My mother wanted me to stay with her for a few days so she could help, but I declined her offer. I want to be in our home from the start. She is, however, going to stay tonight in case I need help. I am still really sore so I will need someone around I suppose. Plus, most women have their significant other to help out once they get home. See, this is why I should get a husband, for help! I laugh in my own head. Nah! I can do it myself.

  When we arrive home my kitchen island is filled with flowers and balloons. I look quickly through the cards. They are from Jess and Colton, Matthew, my work friends, and one more. I hesitate to look at the card expecting to be from…. him and as I open it, I am relieved to see it is from Detective Montgomery. I should call her. That is so sweet of her. We haven’t spoken for a while. They must not have heard any more from Sara. Oh, well. Better off I guess, she’s gone.

  My parents help to get me settled and watch the baby while I shower. We enjoy a nice home-cooked meal that my mother made and after dinner, I am completely exhausted. It is only eight o’clock but I don’t care, I am going to bed. I sit and feed the baby before handing him off to my mother. We have decided that she will stay up with him until he is ready to eat again and then bring him to me and he can spend the rest of the night in the bassinet in my room. This should at least give me a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. I have never been so tired in my life and I swear I am asleep before my head hits the bed.

  The first night home is a long one. I feel like Evan is up constantly. Who knew I would miss the hospital nurses so much? He squeaks constantly while he sleeps which then makes me think he is awake when he isn’t. By the time I finish feeding him, it seems like he is ready to eat again in an hour. My mother reminds me that my milk hasn’t come in yet and he will sleep longer then. I hope so. I can’t handle this no sleep thing.

  *

  By about our third or fourth day home we have gotten into our routine. My milk has come in, so he is sleeping better. Instead of taking an hour to feed him we have cut it down to about half that. We are like a well-oiled machine. The last few nights have just been the two of us and I think we’re managing well. He is such a good baby. He only cries when he is hungry. When he wakes in the middle of the night he simply eats and gets his diaper changed then is back in his slumber. I am very lucky, I can tell already. We make a fantastic team. I am dealing well with the lack of sleep I think, for now anyway.

  My mother has been making fun of me that I am going to blind the child taking so many pictures. I can’t help it, that is what I do for a living. What does she expect from me? I love putting him in all the different outfits he has and with these cute little man hats that are just too adorable not to take pictures of. I am going to document every moment of his life. He is so cute.

  I can’t miss a thing. He has brightened my world more than he will even know. He has brought me back to life and I am so grateful for him. I feel like my heart could burst I am so in love. We are one tiny, happy family.

  *

  Evan is one-week-old today and I can’t believe it. My wonderful friends have offered to bring over pizza and beer to give me a little adult time. I told them that’s fine as long as they don’t stay late. I already sound like a mom. It has been so cold out lately that we haven’t gone anywhere except for his one doctor’s appointment. He is back to his birth weight already. He will be a little chunk here before I know it, the way he eats.

  Everyone should be here soon, so I pick up as best I can and put Evan in his most adorable little blue fuzzy sleeper. I comb his thick dark hair and giggle as I do. “You look like you are wearing a rug, silly boy.” I swear he grins at me again. I stroke the sides of his face and kiss his little lips. He purses them to
gether as I do, and I can tell he is sucking on his tongue. He looks handsome. “You are dressed to impress, little man,” I say in my most annoying baby voice.

  I hear the doorbell ring and I am suddenly so excited! I can’t wait to just sit and relax and talk with some adults, other than my parents. I am holding Evan and we open the door to cheers. Jessie, Colton, and Matt. They must have all drove together. Jess is the first to snatch Evan out of my arms and cuddle him. She holds him in one arm as she wiggles out of her coat. The rest of us take the pizza and beer out to the kitchen. All of us load up our plates with pizza and the boys grab themselves a drink. We make our way back to sit with Jess.

  I look over at Colton and nod my head toward Jessie. “You are seeing this aren’t you?” He looks at her and then back to me confused.

  “What?”

  “Ha, look at her, she has got it and you better watch out?” He still doesn’t know what I am saying. He can be so dense sometimes. “Baby fever Colton, she has baby fever!”

  “What? No, you don’t. Do you Jess?” He looks at her wide-eyed.

  “Hell yeah, I do! I would steal this little guy if I could. Save me the trouble of being pregnant and in labor. Just get the cute kid and all.” We all laugh but the funny thing is, we all know she means it.

  “God, I have missed you guys so much! I feel like I have been speaking baby talk for the last week and not just to Evan, but to my parents too.” They giggle at me and it is a sound I have so dearly missed.

  “So,” Matt begins. “How is motherhood treating you? You look great!” Yuck, I feel disgusting. I barely have time to wash my hair I know I haven’t had a stitch of make-up on in the last week at least and my sweats are still my best friend.

  “Thanks, Matt, but you are lying through your teeth. I will say my boobs look awesome though.” A roar of laughter erupts through the room and soon I am getting tears I am laughing so hard.

  What a great night. When I am done eating, I take the baby back from Jess so she can eat. I excuse myself and take him to feed him and put him to bed. He goes down like a little angel and I am grateful. I kiss his little head and wish him goodnight and sweet dreams. “I love you, my whole heart, baby.”

  Back out in the living room, the boys are having some deep discussion about football or hockey or something. I don’t know, I don’t follow that stuff. Jess and I go to the kitchen. I pour us each a glass of Merlot and we sit at the island and talk.

  “So, how are you feeling?”

  “Pretty great actually. I am tired all the time of course but I am used to it.” She frowns.

  “I mean emotionally, how are you feeling?” Oh, I haven’t really had time to think about anything but Evan.

  “I don’t know, good, I guess. I have just been focused on the baby and haven’t really thought much about Sam. I mean I still have nightmares but now he doesn’t attack me. I have dreams that he takes the baby. I panic when I wake up from those. I mean, I know it can’t happen. I just worry. He is so precious to me. I can’t imagine ever letting Sam even see him, let alone touch him.” She looks at me with that pity look I hate.

  “Someday you will stop thinking about him. Your life will be yours and Evan’s and it will be perfect.” She is sincere. And I almost believe her.

  “I know we are getting there, slowly but surely we’ll get there.” Suddenly the boys join us in the kitchen with a look like they are offended.

  “What? You don’t want to hang out with us?” Matt says with his lip out giving his best fake pout.

  “Oh sorry, you poor babies need attention too,” Jess mocks them.

  We all sit in the kitchen for another few hours and when the baby wakes again to eat, they excuse themselves to leave. It is getting late anyway. Well, for me it is. I appreciate them. But they are now wearing out their welcome. Every second of sleep is precious with a newborn.

  When they leave, I feed Evan sitting in the glider in my room and he falls immediately back to sleep. I rock him for a while more before putting him in his bassinet. I love staring at him. He is just perfect. There is not another baby on this planet that is this cute. I mean there can’t be, right? Sure, every mom says that, but I mean it. He really is the cutest. I kiss his chubby little cheek and smell his lavender baby lotion. That smell is the most special scent. I kiss him once more and slowly lay him down to sleep. I myself snuggle under my covers and I am gone too.

  Chapter 16

  Growing

  Evan is four weeks old today already. I cannot believe how fast this past month has gone and we are not even to where my due date was. It is nearing the end of February and it is still snowy and cold, of course, but we have managed to do a little bit outside the house. We have ventured to my parents for visits and spent one day at a baby store spending gift certificates I received after he was born. Even though he has only been here for a month I feel like he has always been a part of my life. He is filling out and developing his own little look now. Already he seems like his eyes are darkening from that baby blue. His mop of hair continues to thicken on his tiny little head.

  I am taking him into my office today so he can meet everyone. I have been pestered like crazy by the girls I work with to see him. Afterward, we have his four-week checkup. I am anxious to see how much he weighs. I really like his pediatrician so far. He is a younger guy, pretty cute too. I made it a point to fix my hair and put on some makeup today because I knew I was going to see him. I am such a dork. Like anyone would be interested in dating a woman with a newborn. What the hell? I am nowhere near ready to date anyway. I snap myself back out of my irrational daydream.

  When we arrive at work, I am bombarded by every female that works in the building. I take Evan out of his carrier and let them pass him around. He is actually pretty great with letting people hold him. He is not strange about that yet. I mean, I know he prefers his mama to hold him, but I like that he doesn’t mind others. He is still awfully young to know any different though. He sleeps more than he is awake. Watching these women ohhh and ahhh over him makes me feel so blessed that he is mine and I get to spend every waking minute with him.

  We spend only about an hour there and I need to be on my way. As we walk out the door everyone is stuck in baby talk, waving and smiling at us. I look at my phone and we are running a bit late for our doctor’s appointment.

  We arrive at the pediatrician’s office just in time. I greet the front desk secretary with a smile. She is on the phone, so she points at the clipboard in front of her for us to sign in. I sign, Evan Tate Madison and we have a seat. Evan is fast asleep, but I know he will want to eat soon. Maybe I should duck into the bathroom and feed him really quick? I decide I should and pick his carrier up and just as I am about to inform the secretary when Evan’s name is called. We follow her back to one of the many exam rooms and have a seat.

  “Um, how long do you think the doctor will be? The baby is going to want to eat soon and I am breastfeeding.” I give her a look of embarrassment and she tells me I will have time.

  “First just let me weigh and measure him. I’ll be quick.” As she does, I am surprised to find that he has doubled his birth weight and has already grown an inch. Holy crap that is insane! In just four weeks? When she is finished, I change Evans diaper, so he is a little more awake to eat. I adjust myself as to feed him and drape a receiving blanket over his head and my exposed breast. We settle into out feeding ritual and as I look around the office, I see his diplomas on the walls and notice one is from Ohio State. Why would he want to work here? I wonder why he didn’t stay down there, hmm. Then about 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door and in walks the most beautiful man I have ever seen in person. I feel my face flush crimson immediately. How mortifying. Oh, I forgot how gorgeous he is.

  His face flushes too as he greets me. He can’t be too much older than me. His hair is dark with a slight wave to it. His eyes a deep chestnut brown and he has a five o’clock shadow going on. I find myself wondering what his body looks like under his whi
te lab coat. Oh my God, snap out of it and put your boob away! I turn and get myself together before greeting him.

  “Hi, Nettie, how are you? You look well. Motherhood agrees with you.” Oh, yes, the first time I saw him I was in the hospital and totally embarrassed. Dr. Graham was the one who recommended him, Dr. Lincoln Conner. You would think she would have warned me that he was handsome and young. No, I expected some old geezer with white hair and a bow tie. And I, of course, looked hideous. My hair greasy and a mess and my eyes puffy and tired.

  “Hi, Dr. Connor. Sorry about that I thought I had some time before you came in.” I shake my head trying to forget my embarrassment.

  “No, it’s fine, it actually happens all the time.” His voice is so sweet. He is very charming. I’ll bet he is married and as I wonder I look at his finger. Hmmm, no ring but that doesn’t mean he isn’t in a relationship. I mean how could he not be.

  “So, what exactly do we need to do?” I look down at sleeping, Evan.

  “If you want to undress him, I will be quick to examine him and then he will have to have a few vaccines and that’s all for today.” He smiles and I catch a glimpse of his perfectly white teeth. I am staring now, at his mouth and realize I am smiling. I quickly undress the baby and lay him on the exam table. He starts to get a little pissed. It’s probably because he is cold. He was all bundled in a warm sleeper sack and now his little naked body is exposed.

  The exam is done quickly, and I bundle my little man up, but he is still exposed from the waist down. Dr. Connor gives him two fast shots in each thigh and he only cries for a second and is soon sleeping again. I finish getting him dressed and place him gently back into the car seat.

  “So, the nurses out front can make your next appointment and he looks perfect. I would keep Tylenol in him for the next 24 hours just to avoid pain or a fever. A slight fever is normal but anything high you can call me, alright?” I nod.

  “Do you have kids?” Oh, shit I can’t believe I said that aloud. He smiles but has a very uncomfortable look on his face.