Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  “Five minutes!” My mother pokes her head through the door in announcement and she is gone again. Very professional she is today.

  “Alright Cinderella, I will let you get to your future husband. I’ll see you out there.” I give her a quick peck on the cheek. I need to get out of here or I will burst into tears. As I walk out the door, I can hear her sigh.

  “Ready honey?” I hear her father whisper.

  I make my way through the hallway lined with six beautifully dressed bridesmaids in yellow chiffon. Each girl is holding a bouquet of white lilies. The stems are wrapped in matching yellow fabric. My mother is so very talented at what she does. The chandeliers above my head are draped in flowers as well. Intertwined with the flowers are small crystals, that sparkle at every turn.

  I walk through the large cedar doors and I am amazed at how many people are here. The pews are completely full of guests. As I make my way down the center aisle, I can smell the fresh flowers that cap each row and smile with pride for my mother and for Jessica. I notice my dad sitting on the right side about five rows back and I slide in to join him. He puts his arm around me for a moment and gives me a quick reassuring squeeze.

  Colton is standing at the front of the church with his groomsman, one of them being Matt. I know most of them because I have known Colton for so long. He looks nervous. Really nervous. He catches my eye and I give him a soft wave and a grin. He returns the smile and rolls his eyes at the same time. I can see him let out a breath. Click, click. Perfect shot. I think it’s only right that Jessie gets to see him before she made her grand entrance. Startling me the music amplifies and all eyes move to the back of the room. I stand in anticipation of seeing Jessica. My best friend. My rock. She is going to start her new life today. I am feeling such pride at this moment like I am her parent. We have spent so much of our lives talking about the day we would be married and have children. We’ve dreamt about double dates and family vacations together. Our kids would go to school together and be best friends, just like us. I wonder if that will ever happen for us. If I’ll ever have a family of my own. My heart begins to ache, and tears soon fill my eyes.

  Jessica is almost to our isle now and I smile, trying to pretend that the tears I am shedding are from happiness. I think she bought it. I glance toward Colton once more and he has tears streaming down his cheeks. He looks like a blubbering mess. I laugh out loud without warning and then manage to get it under control. Thankfully the music is loud, and no one noticed my inappropriate outburst.

  The ceremony goes on without a hitch. It is touching, really. These two people I have known for ages and seen together numerous times. I didn’t realize the depth of their feelings until today. As they say their vows, it’s like no one else is in the room. It is just the two of them and they are pledging their love to one another. I know that he will treat her good. It’s almost a relief to me that I have less of a friendship responsibility now. I know I am so closed off lately. I can’t pretend to be the person I used to be. She is in good hands for life.

  Suddenly the room erupts with applause and I join the rest of the guests in cheers and laughter. Jess and Colton turn to face us and holding hands they raise them in triumph. They kiss and smile as they make their way back down the aisle. I can hear her giggle all the way to the back of the church. One by one, each row is excused, and we make our way through the receiving line at the church entrance. When I come to Jessica, her look changes, she looks somber. Oh, it’s the pity look. I haven’t seen it from her in a while. I give her a reassuring smile and we embrace for what seems like forever.

  “I really am happy for you. You know that right?” I whisper in her ear.

  “I do. I really do. I know you’ll know only happiness one day too. Do you know that?”

  I shake my head no. I feel the familiar lump grow in my throat again. I don’t know that. In fact, I adamantly disagree with that. I pull away from her before I crumble to pieces. I quickly move to Colton and spend only a moment congratulating him. I put my head down as to avoid eye contact with everyone else and move straight to the door. When I reach the fresh air, I take a long deep breath as if breaking the surface of water. My face is buried in my hands as I weep. I can feel my father standing next to me, but he says nothing.

  After I let myself release some of my pain, I gradually get it together. I wipe underneath both eyes and gently stroke my dress to release the wrinkles. I look at my father and nod. He wipes under my eyes again. I must have some lingering mascara. He holds out his hand for mine and in silence, I place my hand in his. We take our place in line with white rose petals in hand. A few minutes later Jess and Colton emerge from the church, grinning from ear to ear. The crowd begins showering them with the soft, perfumed flowers. They climb into the black stretch limo and pull away, waving out the window as they drive away. I laugh as I look at the back of the car. Written in white are the words

  Just Married…Finally.

  No doubt done by the wedding party. It is about time. The rest of the guests make our way to our own transportation. The reception will be held at a hall not too far from here, it is a grand ballroom and surely my mother has it made it look like a royal gala. I can’t wait to see how everything comes together. I snap a quick photo of the car as it drives away. I decide once I’m at the reception, I’ll only take a few photos and then make myself enjoy the wedding as a guest, not as a photographer. Well, I guess I can’t even call myself that. I haven’t worked for so long.

  After today I realize I do miss it. I don’t miss the boring shoots, but I miss capturing everyday life. Maybe this is something I should try and incorporate back into my daily routine. I laugh out loud at myself. Normal is far from what my life has become. Drinking, shooting, meetings and solitude are anything but normal.

  “What’s so funny?” my father asks.

  “Oh, nothing I was just thinking.” I blush with embarrassment. I forgot he was here. He shakes his head not pressing me anymore. The ride to the hall is full of boring conversations. I feel like my father is afraid of silence with me. I think back to his hospital scare.

  He has since been put on a daily medication for anxiety as well as the “as needed” drugs. He had a few more times where he almost began to panic, and the doctors decided it would be best to have a daily depression and anxiety medication. He has been doing well. At least that is what my mom and he keep assuring me. I wish he would slip my mother a pill sometimes. For my sake, not hers. She is smothering most of the time, or tries to be.

  When we arrive, there are cars piling into the parking lot. Even more so than there were at the church. Geez, there must be three hundred people here. So much for a small wedding. I am amazed when we enter. It is spectacular. In all the years my mother has been a party planner, I have never seen anything like this. It looks like a million-dollar affair. The tables are draped with ivory linen tablecloths, accented with pale yellow napkins to match the bridesmaids. In the center of each table stand a tall glass cylinder that is etched with delicate diamond shapes, so that the candle inside lets off a magical sparkle. Encircling each is a ring of flowers, matching the décor of the rest of the room.

  My father and I make our way through each table to find my mother. She is in the far corner near the 5-tiered exquisite cake, giving someone instructions. This is what she does best. When we approach, her tone changes and she looks so happy. This is her niche. She is in her own little world when she’s doing this, and it is wonderful to see. My father and I both give her a huge bear hug and congratulate her on a job well done.

  “Really? I didn’t want it to be too much. I feel like this has been the most pressure I have ever had doing a wedding because it’s Jess! I mean talk about not wanting to disappoint your client. I think she is happy with everything, don’t you? Oh, I hope so.” My mother is practically gasping for air after her rant. She seems like her old self for a moment. She is positively glowing. I feel a little relief inside, that maybe my friends and family are beginning to heal so
me from the trauma we’ve all suffered. I am a bit envious of them. Moving on with their lives and having some happiness. I shake the feeling off and realize I should be happy for them. It gives me a tiny bit of hope that maybe someday, I will be there too.

  I bring myself back to the present. My father and I take a seat at our assigned table and sip on our water. I am in desperate need of a drink. I think my dad can sense my irritability because he offers to go get us a few cocktails. When mine arrives, I suppress my need to drink it down at once and take a much more appropriate ladylike sip. Our salads have arrived, even though the bridal party has yet to. I am sure they are taking pictures and it makes me sad. I hope I don’t look back on this day and regret that I wasn’t in those pictures with her. I take another sip of my drink, this time not so ladylike, but no one notices.

  The table we are seated at is referred to, I suppose, as the single table. I recognize only one person sitting here and that is Jessica’s cousin Rachel. I am sure she doesn’t remember me. The last time I saw her she was in braces and overalls. She was annoying as a child. From the looks of her now, she has grown into a lovely young woman. Everyone else at the table is unknown to me and frankly, I am offended my mother sat us here. I pick at my salad and make small talk with my father. Soon the main course has arrived, and it smells heavenly. A petite filet with a side of redskin mashed potatoes and a vegetable medley. I am not very hungry, but I don’t want to offend anyone, mainly my mother, so I put a dent in each of them. It really does taste decadent.

  As soon as our plates are cleared there is an announcement that the bride and groom have arrived. The chatter around the room has slowly dulled and everyone is looking to the door. The bridal party is announced couple by couple and they finally come to the couple of the hour.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Colton Daniels.” The room erupts into screams and applause. Jess looks absolutely radiant. She and Colton are all laughs and kisses as they make their way to the front of the room. Standing together they face the crowd. I hear the clinking of glass and Colton’s best man takes the microphone to make his toast. I stare at her in amazement of how far she has come from childhood to an adult. For some reason I have always felt like an older sister to her. Lately, the roles have been reversed but seeing her like this takes me back.

  After the best man speech comes the maid of honor. As my replacement, she chose her college friend, Amber. I have to say, it stung a little. Even though, it was all my doing. Amber is a petite little red head who looks like she is still in high school but with big fake boobs. She has an annoyingly high-pitched voice as well. I suddenly feel very jealous and critical of her. I would have had a much better toast for Jessica. It would have been witty and sentimental, something she would have remembered her whole life. In fact, I had gone over and over it in my head before I decided to back out. I hope she can forgive me. Now for the rest of her life, she has to listen to little miss teenager tell her how wonderful she looks and how wonderful her husband is and how wonderful their lives will be together. God, doesn’t she know any other words. No one is listening to you, fake boobs, sit down! I am admittedly being a bad sport about this whole thing. It is my fault and mine alone that I am not standing up there. I polish off my drink just as she finishes her, not so moving toast. Geez, she even has tears in her eyes. How fake can you be?

  “Everything okay?” My father inquires. My irritation must be noticeable.

  “Uh, sure. Just moved by the toasts that’s all.” He smirks at me sensing my sarcasm. I smile and tilt my head sideways in the most annoying way and give a runner up pageant clap.

  Just then, a man in a black and white waiters uniform passes by and I order my father and I another drink. When I look at his glass. It is only half empty. I had better slow down a bit. We still have three hours to go here. That is if I stay the entire time. I feel like I am ready for another breather. The man next to me smells of cigarettes, which makes my stomach churn. I excuse myself and head outside, which, ironically is full of smokers. I make my way to the side of the building and find a lone bench. I close my eyes and relax for a few moments. Just then I hear someone whistle. When I open my eyes who other than Matthew is standing in front of me, looking as dapper as ever in his tuxedo.

  “Aw, look at you all dressed up in your penguin suit. It reminds me of prom,” I give him a gracious smile.

  He opens his coat and twirls showing it off. “No compliments necessary. I know I look good,” he says with a cocky smirk on his face.

  “Well, I am in need of a drink so why don’t you take this girl in and get her drunk.” He looks serious all of a sudden. “What?” I ask.

  “Nothing, I just want you to take it easy tonight, that’s all.” I can’t believe he said that. What does he think I would get drunk and do something stupid at Jessica’s wedding? Who does he think he is!

  “Well, thank you very much, Dad! I think I can handle myself. I’ll see you later,” I stand and turn toward the front of the building stomping away in my new black mary janes. What a dick! I hear him mumble some sort of half-assed apology before I turn the corner. Making my way angrily through the smokers I head into the building and straight to the bar. I order a shot of whiskey and take it down quick. God, that burns! I raise my hand to the bartender for one more and throw it back as well. Oh, I should have ordered a chaser I feel the warmth rise for a moment and then thankfully it goes back down. I hope no one saw me take two. The bar isn’t too crowded, being that it is the beginning of the night.

  I make my way back to the reject table and my father is still sitting there. He pulls out my seat for me as I approach. I smile and sit next to him without a word. “You okay?” I nod in reply and turn my head away from him. I can tell that my face is flushed from the alcohol already. It looks like they are about to cut the cake. I am ready to get out of here already. All this happy is beginning to make me miserable. My other drink arrives, and I am careful to nurse it this time. I don’t want my father to know that I am getting drunk. How as an adult, can I still care that my parents know I am drunk?

  Finally, all of the formalities are done, and the music begins to get fun. Jess comes over to get me and I am totally buzzed. I don’t know how good of a dancer I’ll be. She pulls me by the arm, and we make our way to the dance floor. A group of women and just a few men are out there now. I do my best to follow the beat and so does Jessie. We have only been superstar dancers in the privacy of our own homes. For some reason, our moves don’t look as good next to other people. Before I know it, four or five songs have passed, and I am sweating and winded. A slow song comes on and that is my cue. I make my way over to the bar and order another drink. As I tilt my head back for the first sip, I realize that I am not just buzzed I am totally drunk.

  I make my way to the bathroom as quickly as possible and hide in a stall before anyone sees me. I grab some tissue and wipe the sweat from my forehead, face, and chest. I need to drink some water. I peek between the cracks of the stall door to be sure I am alone. I cup water in my hands and take a few sips. When I glance up at the mirror, I am embarrassed. I am visibly drunk and sloppy. I piece of toilet paper is sticking to my cheek. As I remove it, Matt’s somewhat of a lecture replays in my head. I probably should go home.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Matt is standing right outside the women’s bathroom. I have been avoiding him all night. He is more relaxed now. No jacket or vest and his tie are hanging open.

  “No, actually I want to go home.”

  “Do you want me to give you a ride?” I can tell he is thinking I told you so. but trying to hide it.

  “No, my dad is here so I will tell him I am ready,” I snap.

  “Well, actually I saw him helping your mother with something. Really, I can take you Nettie, it isn’t any trouble.”

  “Fine. Just let me tell my parents I am going and give Jess a hug.” He nods and moves so I can slide by him.

  Jess seems disappointed that I
am leaving but she is understanding. My mother and father are actually dancing with one another. They look so in love. My father looks up at me and I point to the door and mouth Matt so he knows I have a ride. He gives me a small wave and I return it.

  Matt is waiting by the front doors and I walk past him exiting. I can hear his footsteps behind me. We ride back to my place in silence. I feel like I am beginning to get the spins. When we pull into my driveway Matt asks if I want him to walk me in and I decline. I am now embarrassed that he was right. I should have taken it easy tonight. “Matt, I am sorry I snapped at you earlier. I know you were just trying to help. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink.”

  “No, I am sorry. It is none of my business. I just want what’s in your best interest. I mean, I love you and care about you.” All of a sudden, I feel my cheeks flush. “Oh, Nettie no, no, no. not like that. I mean of course you were my first love, but I don’t mean like I want to date. I am sorry that came out wrong.”

  “No Matt, it’s me who is sorry. I was thinking you were saying something you weren’t and believe me I am not offended. I feel the same way about you. I love and care about you too, but I am strictly in the friend zone.” He looks as relieved as I feel.

  “Ok, good.” He puts his hand on his chest and giggles. I suddenly feel like I’ve sobered up a bit. I lean forward and give him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

  “Thank you, friend. Great, amazing, handsome friend for bringing me home safely.” He blushes.

  “You’re very welcome equally great, amazing and beautiful friend. Anytime.”

  I step out of the car and incredibly I make it into the house without the slightest stumble. I bend down pulling off my shoes, as I make my way to my bedroom. Without so much as unzipping my dress, I plop face-first onto the bed and stay there until morning.