Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  Just then my phone buzzes. I didn’t realize I had it on vibrate. I look at the caller ID and it’s my mother. I can’t believe she would call this early. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Oh, honey I hope I didn’t wake you.” Well, I should be sleeping. I wish I was sleeping.

  “No, I was up. Just for a few minutes though, Mom. What is it?” I obviously know why she is calling. I just feel like giving her a hard time.

  “Well, I was just calling to tell you I was thinking of you today.” I roll my eyes even though she can’t see me. “Daddy and I just want you to know that if you need anything today, you can call us. Are you seeing Lincoln today?” She can’t help being nosy. I don’t mind.

  “Yeah, after he is done working, we are having dinner together,” my face cracks into a slight smile. Maybe I can change the way I look at this day. Turn it into something positive.

  “Mom, can I call you later? I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”

  “Sure, sure. I’m sorry. Don’t forget to call if you need anything alright honey? I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

  “I will. Love you too Mom.” I really need coffee. It’s too early in the morning for deep conversation.

  I am sitting on my back patio and the sun is just coming up. The sky is almost completely pink. Only a few slight streams of orange. It is beautiful. Breathtaking. Before I sip my coffee, I grab the camera to capture this beautiful morning. I settle in and take a nice, deep, relaxing breath. It’s a little cooler than I imagined it would be this morning, but it is nice. The air smells so clean and fresh. I can smell a hint of freshly cut grass. I like sitting out here so early in the morning. It is so quiet. Only the birds to break the silence of the morning. I lean my head back on the chair and close my eyes, taking in the sounds and smells of the morning.

  I repeat the mantra that I have heard so many times in group, “I cannot change what has happened to me, but I can change the way I react to it.” From now on I will make my own happiness. I will not allow that one day dictating my entire life or the lives of the people around me. It’s not fair to them or me. Sam got what he wanted, ME. But I will only let him have the physical time he took and no more of the emotional. He cannot win. And he won’t.

  *

  “Good morning Hank!” My voice echoes through the room.

  “You’re here early,” he states glancing down at his watch.

  “Actually, I was waiting for you to open. I have been up since five.” His eyes widen. It is nine o’clock and they have just opened this very minute.

  “Couldn’t sleep, eh?” I shrug my shoulders at him. “Well, have a good day.” He gives me a wink as I enter the familiar cold all too massive room. I am in serious need of stress relief.

  As I aim and shoot at my target, I am into a smooth and steady rhythm. I hope Linc stays with me tonight. Since we have been together, he has stayed at my place a handful of times. We have yet to actually “sleep” together, we just sleep together. I am reminded of the first time he saw my bedroom. He was very confused about the minimal pillow situation. That was one uncomfortable conversation. We were having a great night together until I had to explain to him in detail my attack. At least I got it over with and now he knows everything about that night. He knows about the scars and the other women. He knows about the fact that Sam occasionally sends me letters. Now that I am thinking of it, I haven’t gotten one in quite some time. Maybe he has given up on trying to torture me from the inside. Doubtful.

  I have become completely at ease with this gun. I have two firearms now. One is safely at home just in case and the other is here so that I can practice. Ha, who am I kidding? I don’t need practice anymore. I am a crack shot. I just come for the fun of it now. And of course, to let off any aggression. This is another thing Linc and I have recently discussed. He doesn’t like the fact that I come here or the fact that I have a gun at home, but he understands why. He prefers that I take some sort of self-defense class instead of resorting to guns. That might be alright too, but at least I know this way if Sam comes back for me, I will shoot him dead. I failed to mention that part to Linc. My intentions will remain just that, mine. I don’t need to tell him anything. Especially because I have a good couple of years to break that news. If we are together. God, I hope we are together, forever. I love him. I am going to tell him soon. Life is too short not to be with the people you love. Lincoln and I know that all too well.

  I don’t spend my normal amount of time at the shooting range but instead, choose to take a long drive on a gorgeous day. I find myself parked outside of Lincoln’s office. When I go in his secretary, Amelia is in her normal spot behind the glass. When I approach, she doesn’t look up from her People magazine and instead slides the glass door open and hands out a clipboard.

  “Fill this out, please. The doctor will see you shortly.” I stifle a small snort. “Oh, sorry Nettie. I am in a trance here. I’ll tell Dr. Connor you’re here. Is he expecting you?” She looks embarrassed. Amelia is a woman I would guess to be in her late forties. She isn’t sore on the eyes, but I can’t help but notice, that her ass hangs over the side of the rolling chair she occupies constantly. In fact, I have never seen her off that chair. She simply rolls from one side of her tiny room to the other when she needs something. The word, “lazy” springs to mind, to describe her.

  “No, I just thought I would stop by. I was in the neighborhood.” I hope she can’t tell that I am lying. I just need to see him. I miss him.

  It’s not long before Linc comes through the door and ushers me back to his office.

  “What’s the matter? Are you okay?” He looks worried. He is so handsome. I don’t say a word to him, instead I smooth both of my hands over his stubble and pull him into a gentle kiss.

  “I am okay now. I just needed to see you,” I kiss him again, lingering a bit longer this time.

  “I missed you too.” He has a knee-weakening smile on his face. I love this man. I should just say it. Blurt it out right now.

  “I’ll let you get back to your very important patients.” He looks around at his empty waiting room and laughs. “It’s a slow day, ok?” He leans closer to me and plants small kisses first on my forehead, then the tip of my nose and finally my lips. I giggle. I like this side of him. It’s exactly why I wanted to see him. I knew he would lighten my mood.

  “So, are we still on for dinner tonight?”

  “Yes, please. And I want you to stay with me.” He looks a little surprised given that last night I asked for space.

  “I would love to,” he kisses my nose again. “I’ll see you tonight then.”

  “Tonight.” I am blissfully happy.

  *

  I am waiting for Lincoln to arrive as I smooth through my hair and check my make-up one last time in the mirror. He called me earlier and said he had to go to the hospital for some sort of emergency and that he would be late. I still wanted him to come over no matter what time he got here. It is nearly eleven o’clock. So much for going out to dinner. I’ve made the effort to clean the house today. I bought new bedding for the occasion in hopes that tonight will be different. I have somewhat gotten over my pillow phobia. I have been able to sleep at his house with them, but they are always knocked off the bed by morning. I’m just used to sleeping without them at this point. My room is beautifully warm and inviting. I have candles on either side of the bed. I don’t know if they will get to burn tonight being that is getting so late. I shouldn’t expect anything to happen but if it does, I think I will be okay with it.

  There is a knock at the door and my heart leaps into my chest. I am so excited to see him. When I open the door, he is looking handsome as usual with a pair of dark grey slacks and a white dress shirt that he was wearing earlier, but this time, no tie. He smiles, his heart-melting smile and his dimple shows.

  “I love you!” I blurt out. His smile spreads from ear to ear and he snatches me up in his arms kissing me hard on the lips.

  “I know, and I love you. I love you
so much. I have been waiting for you to be ready to hear it,” he is still holding me and whispering against my lips. Without thinking I wrap my legs around his waist. He pulls his face away from mine just enough to look into my eyes again, awaiting my permission.

  “Yes,” I whisper. I can feel him hold me tighter as we make our way down to my room. Halfway there he stumbles with me in his arms and we both fall to the floor. I am unable to control my laughter and after he gives me a quick once over to be sure I’m not hurt; he bursts into laughter himself. After a few minutes, we both grow quiet laying on the hallway floor.

  We don’t make it to bed. He makes love to me right there on the cool hardwood floors and it is perfect. He is gentle and loving and I have never felt so cared for or so cherished in all my life.

  We are crumpled up on the floor together surrounded by pieces of clothing. Damn this floor is so uncomfortable. “Can we please move to the bed. This floor is killing me.” He arches his back and winces. We both hop into my bed and face one another.

  “New sheets, and pillows,” he whispers. “Miss Madison, were you expecting to seduce me?” I shrug.

  “Well, not expecting, hoping maybe,” I smile at him. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner that you loved me?”

  “Because I was afraid to scare you off,” he is avoiding eye contact. I grasp his chin so that he looks up at me.

  “Why would you scare me off?”

  He smirks and takes a deep breath. “I have wanted to tell you I loved you since our first unofficial date.” Oh? How could he?

  “We didn’t even know each other,” I whisper.

  “I knew you. Remember I watched you for months at those meetings. I saw the sadness in you, the beauty. I listened intently to you. I had feelings for you then, but when we sat down together…I realized that I hadn’t built you up in my head. You were the woman I thought you were, and I fell for you. I could have told you that day that I loved you and I would have meant it.” I can tell he is being truthful. “Wait here.” He jumps out of bed and I hear him in the hallway, and he slides back into bed being careful to cover himself as he does. What the hell was that about?

  “What’s with the odd grin?” I am totally confused.

  We are lying facing one another and he leans up on one arm. His eyes burning into me. “I love you more than I thought I could love someone. I know you think that in some ways I saved you, but no. Nettie you saved me. I was walking through life going through the motions, never really, truly living. Never believing I would find love again, nor believing that I deserved it. You made me feel like I can be happy again,” he lifts his hand and on his pinky finger, he has the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. It is a round diamond, with smaller round diamonds encircling it. Not only that, but tiny diamonds lace the band as well. It is stunning and I am stunned. “Will you let me spend my life making you feel the same way? Will you marry me?”

  “Are you serious?” I think he may have gone crazy.

  “I have been carrying this around for a few weeks, waiting for the right time. I knew you loved me. I just wanted you to be ready to say it. I don’t want to know life again without you in it. Please say yes.”

  “Yes!” The word flies out of my mouth before I know it. This man has breathed new life into me, and I don’t want to spend a moment without him either. Are we both completely and totally insane?

  “Oh, thank God! I love you so much!” he grabs my face and kisses me hard. He is giggling as he does. Then it dawns on me. Oh, no. I do not want the anniversary of that assholes attack to be the night I got engaged. How do I say this delicately “What is it?”

  “Today it’s just… I don’t want this proposal to be tainted by the anniversary.”

  “Oh, well…” he looks at his watch and grins. “Well, yesterday was the anniversary of that horrible day, that will now be known as the night we first said, ‘I love you’ and the first time we were together. Today,” he emphasizes, “will be the day we got engaged.” He shows me his watch and it’s after midnight. I can’t contain my grin.

  “Perfect. Slowly replacing the bad with the good. I love you.”

  “I love you more.” He kisses me again, forehead, nose and ending at my lips. “Sleep or eat?”

  “Eat.” I say with certainty. He slips his boxer briefs on and I toss on a t-shirt and we both head to the kitchen. Tonight, ended up being a better night than I could have possibly imagined. I am here in this moment with him and I am happy. I never thought it would be possible.

  Chapter 29

  Tick Tock

  My cell phone wakes me, and it is a number I don’t recognize. Linc is not next to me but I can smell coffee and bacon so he must be cooking us breakfast. I answer the phone anyway.

  “Long time no talk Ms. Madison,” I recognize the voice, but I can’t pinpoint it. “It’s Detective Montgomery, Nettie.” Oh, shit this can’t be good, can it?

  “Sorry, I didn’t recognize your voice, it’s been so long.” Why is she calling me now? “I wanted to let you know that you are being asked to speak at a hearing next week.”

  “Hearing? What kind of hearing?” I can feel the familiar prickle of anxiety spread down my arms.

  “Samuel Knox is up for parole,” she says simply.

  “Wait. That is impossible! He has only been in there for two damn years!” I have never been so angry! I can’t even see straight.

  “Nettie, calm down. I know this is a shock. Apparently, he has been behaving like a fucking angel and his lawyer found some sort of loophole. If you ask me, I think someone has been paying to pull some strings, but I can’t prove it.” This is not happening. Lincoln comes running into the room. I was obviously screaming. He sits next to me on the bed and puts his arm around me. I put my finger up as I listen to Det. Montgomery continue. “This doesn’t mean that he is going to be released. It is just a hearing and you get to speak. I want you to tell them every detail of what he has done to you and how it has affected your life, your family, your career, everything! I don’t want you holding anything back. I want him to look like the total prick that he is!” I think she may hate him as much as I do.

  “So, when is this hearing,” I look over at Linc and it clicks in his head why I am so upset. He is shaking his head no.

  “Next Thursday at nine. You will be getting some paperwork in the mail about it. I just wanted you to hear it from me first.”

  “Well, thank you for the consideration,” I cannot help my sarcastic tone. This is a bunch of bullshit. What kind of justice system do we have? I hang up on her before she can respond.

  “What the fuck was that about?” Linc is furious, I can tell.

  “Sam is up for parole and I need to make a statement to the board, Thursday.” This is so fucked up.

  “Well, there is no way they will let him out. That’s insane. He nearly killed you!” He is shouting now.

  “I’m not worried,” I say matter of factly. I am sure this will not be the first hearing over the next couple of years. It’s too soon. He won’t get out. Although the timing is fucking perfect, isn’t it? It’s like he knows when things are starting to get better for me and then here comes Sam, a man behind bars to slap me back down again. Well, not this time. I am happy and he will not ruin it for me, for us.

  *

  I am nervous as hell, going into the courtroom. Luckily, I have found out that I do not have to come face to face with Sam. My lawyer has informed me that I simply need to give my statement to the parole board and leave. There are only a handful of people in the room, seated at a conference type table. Linc is right beside me. I reach over and he grabs my hand, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I am seated across from a man who introduces himself as the judge. He begins with a few “simple” questions; my name, relationship to the inmate. Relationship, what a fucking joke!

  Then the million-dollar question. Why do I believe that the inmate should or should not be granted parole? I go off on a complete and total tangent, weeping and sobbing at every tu
rn. I am playing up the waterworks a little, but for the most part the tears are genuine. I am sure to be very detailed about what he has done to me. The letters, the phone call, and my son. My poor son. I miss him so much. I practiced this a few times before walking through these doors, but my emotion has taken over and I am just simply myself. Telling the rawest and honest truth about what Sam has done to me. Not just how his actions that particular night changed my life but every moment thereafter.

  When I am finished, I realize I have been in that room for nearly an hour. Detective Montgomery is waiting in the hallway when I’m finished. She is speaking today also. I am confident that she will shed light from a different perspective as to who he truly is. She will do anything in her power to keep him where he is, and I know that.

  When we leave, we go back to my place and have an all too silent lunch together. The worst part about this is that we won’t know anything for at least a week. The moment a decision is made I will be informed. If he is released and it’s a big if. I will be the first call by the prison to be informed. A restraining order will be in place so that if God forbid, he does get out, he is not allowed within five hundred feet of me or he will be right back in prison.

  “Is there anything I can do?” Lincoln breaks the silence. I shake my head no.

  “Let’s just go back to normal.” Normal whatever that is. “Let’s announce our engagement.” His eyes light up.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I grab his hand and pull him to his feet. “Would you mind if we told my parents first?”

  “No, not at all. We’ll make the rounds. Everyone will find out today.”

  It literally does take all day to go from my parents to his parents, and of course, stopping to see Jess in person as well. I think she was more excited than my parents were. She goes on and on about what kind of wedding we will have and to be honest I have no idea. I haven’t even thought about it. I never thought I would fall in love let alone be married. I don’t even know what Linc wants to do. We haven’t really talked about where or even when we want to be married. After Jessica’s place, it’s late, and we decide to get dinner. We opt for Mona’s because it is close to my house and it is the only place that we can think of that has a kitchen and is still open this late. I feel like by the time we get to the end of our meal, our conversation is relaxed and comfortable. I love this man and I feel so lucky that I will get to go to sleep and wake up with him next to me every day.