Made to Lead

by Robert Cossins

  Jeren is the classic nice guy who happens to be a very handsome man, a genuine Christian, a very good provider, a loyal friend and husband, the best man Laura will ever entice to marriage. He loves his kids well and is a man you’d be happy to have your daughter marry. So what in the world was his wife thinking, putting her entire marriage at risk for a high-risk fling? Though the reasons are usually manifold and are never an excuse for sin, the overriding problem was that she no longer respected Jeren and when respect wanes, so does attraction. In addition, she’d also surrounded herself with divorcées, hearing all about the joys of being newly single. After all, once a decision is made, it’s only natural to justify it. “Bad company corrupts good character.”[97]

  Jeren, completely caught off guard as nice guys often are, reacted as most men do in this situation, precisely the opposite of that which might save his marriage: he tearfully begged her to stay, promised to change diapers and wash half the dishes if only she’d please stay. He told her that he was willing to change, to make things better, and didn’t want to lose her. Imagine what this tearful exchange did for any remaining vestiges of respect she might have held for her husband. Poof! Gone!

  After listening to him for some time and asking many questions, I gave Jeren (and have given many other Nice Guy Jerens) this advice: “Get angry and go home. Tell your wife that you love her and that you want to save your marriage, but inform her that her nightclub days are over as of this moment and that if she ever has the least dalliance with another man that the marriage is over, kaput, done, and it’ll be the nastiest divorce she could possibly imagine. Then take her phone, call this Bill derelict, and inform him that if he so much as texts your wife in the future, you’ll track him down like a junkyard dog.”

  He recoiled and informed me that she’d immediately leave for her friends, to which I responded, “So what, Jeren? She’s all but declared your marriage over. A kiss? She’s probably sleeping with him, dude! Hello! Is she sleeping with you? Has she slept with you in six months? Hello! Your marriage is broken. Your only hope is to reestablish her respect for you and fast. To do so you’re going to have to be a little crazy, a bit out-of-control – no more tears, no more begging, just raw, manly, testosterone-laden leadership. If she leaves, then the moment she leaves, start hauling her stuff out to the front yard, preferably while she’s still backing out of the driveway – clothes, jewelry, books, everything that’s hers.”

  You, dear reader, may think my advice over-the-top, but they survived Jeren’s reset and, last we spoke, they were still married and working on their new relationship, Jeren leading the way, his children living in an intact home, his wife both respecting and attracted to her newfound alpha man. What woman couldn’t rest easy in the arms of such a man? Women possess an innate desire to control their man but don’t respect a man they can control. Though this appears to be a contradiction on its face, it actually makes perfect sense. Women naturally seek security, and a man who can be controlled is likely not a good protector. His independence serves as a proxy for his strength.

  Heed the warning in Jeren’s story: Given the feminist, divorce-centric culture we find ourselves in, you must marry well or you risk becoming a literal divorce slave to an ex-wife through no choice of your own. Jeren’s only possible path to save his marriage was in reassuming the leadership role that he’d been unwittingly abdicating for so long. Thankfully, Laura elected to stay, but divorce slavery is a true risk for any married man. Your wife can divorce you at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

  I once found myself on a lunch date on Kansas City’s Country Club Plaza with a striking young woman of twenty-five who, come to find out, had been divorced the year before. I began asking her the reasons behind her divorce and she stated, “Well, my husband relocated to continue his education, and we just sort of drifted apart.” No kidding? Who could have possibly anticipated that a young married couple living across the state from one another might drift apart? When I asked why she hadn’t relocated to join her husband, she replied that she just really liked Kansas City and didn’t want to leave. Unbelievable. What a frivolous divorce. I’ll bet her former husband didn’t realize that her marriage vows only applied within the city limits of Kansas City. He chose poorly. Suffice it to say, that lunch was both our first and last date.

  If your wife files for divorce without any cause, it has no bearing on the court’s decisions. In fact, the government will likely assist her with all manner of financial aid to enable her departure. Even as I write these very words, a man with whom I’ve been walking for over a year is in conference with his wife and their lawyers, arguing and dividing up the human and material possessions of their twenty year marriage, a divorce that he completely opposes. In this case, as in many others, her fellow churchians and the Federal government have come alongside to enable her unbiblical choices.

  If you find yourself in similar circumstances and you have children, she will almost assuredly secure custody and, via the courts, force you into divorce slavery while she likely sleeps with a series of increasingly questionable men, their quality decreasing in proportion to her partner count, the entire process utterly destroying your children. Think about this: It’s highly likely that she’ll be paying for her transient lover’s dinner with your child support payments! Perhaps most seriously of all, sexual abuse of daughters at the hands of the ex-wife’s lovers or her new husband is legion: “One study found that a preschooler living with a stepfather was forty times more likely to be sexually abused than one living with both of his or her biological parents.”[98]

  Antony was a 3rd century Christian whom God led to a life of self-denial. Some consider him the first monk. His ministry was fruitful, drawing explicit attack from the Enemy. In one such attack, the devil tempted him as he “took upon him the shape of a woman and imitated all her acts simply to beguile Antony.” But Antony, though tempted, “turned his thoughts to the threatened fire and the gnawing worm” and “passed through the temptation unscathed.”[99] In like manner, let the nightmarish thought of divorce and its horrible aftermath spur you to the effort and discipline required to attract and marry a virtuous woman, a woman who will become your crown, a woman who will “bring [you] good, not harm, all the days of her life.”[100] Such a woman will never consider divorce, a problem much easier avoided than rectified or endured. Then lead your family well, every single day that God gives you breath.

  Given today’s culture there is absolutely no reason for a man to be swayed by pressure to marry for it is far, far better to not marry than to marry poorly. Do you still think I exaggerate marital risk? With approximately half of all marriages ending in divorce, the United States has among the highest divorce rates in the entire world. Though the statistics vary somewhat, on average first marriages have between a forty to fifty percent chance of ending in divorce, while divorce rates for subsequent marriages are significantly higher.[101] The various studies, literature, and statistics all agree that women initiate divorce significantly more often than men. According to one survey-based study, sixty-six percent of women stated that they instigated their divorce.[102] So with up to fifty percent of first marriages ending in divorce and two-thirds of divorces being initiated by women, statistically you have a one in three chance of that lovely creature you have every intention of loving for life inviting you via court summons to a much different relationship: divorce slavery. In a separate study of divorced people, it was determined that the woman was more than three times more likely to indicate that she wanted a divorce while her husband did not, than to indicate that her husband wanted a divorce but that she did not.[103] This is a monumental disparity. Modern marriage is no longer considered a lifetime vow, but merely a civil contract that your wife can break at will, her relinquishing all of her marital responsibilities to you, while using the court’s power to keep your financial responsibilities substantially in place, sometimes for more than twenty years via child support and, possibly, maintenance payments. In summ
ary, if she seeks a divorce, you have no legal remedy to prevent it, and a woman is much more likely to seek divorce than her husband.

  To a thinking man, such statistics might properly dissuade him from seeking marriage at all. Certainly, if a man has no moral qualms with sexual relationships outside of marriage, becoming a sexually active single may well be the short-term pleasurable path in today’s culture, but the Christian man desiring sexual expression and a family must either marry or live outside his faith. The horrid statistics should not dissuade him from marriage, merely make him extremely careful in his selection process, for marriage to an authentic Christian woman is one of life’s greatest blessings. The adjective “authentic” being the key: W. Bradford Wilcox asserts that the more serious a couple is about their faith, the lower the likelihood of divorce. He contends that a nominal Protestant’s risk of divorce is higher than the national average by twenty percent, while a conservative Protestant’s is lower by ten percent, and an active conservative Protestant’s is lower by thirty-five percent.[104]

  I would contend that choosing very carefully all but eliminates the risk of divorce; therefore, a Christian man should step into marriage without fear, but he should avoid taking such momentous steps without thought, care, prayer, and counsel. In fact, it is a good practice, and the Bible provides a number of examples, of His followers fasting and praying for the Lord’s guidance regarding important decisions or events. Relying on reason alone to make decisions makes for poor decisions, for our minds are fallible and we’re always operating with incomplete information. Just as the Hivites tricked Joshua into making a treaty with them against God’s instructions because they “sampled their provisions,” but failed to “inquire of the LORD,”[105] too many men choose to make crucial decisions in ignorance and vacuum, to their great detriment, for the statistics do not lie. When one is living in a feminist culture, approaching marriage seriously and prayerfully is a prerequisite for completing a meaningful mission in life. By its very definition, divorce destroys marriage, but its virulent wake is far wider, harming your mission and devastating your children for the remainder of their lives, often passing the dysfunction on to the next generation. According to the white paper, Second Chances:

  We now know that divorce on average has dramatic effects on children’s lives, across the life course. Research shows that divorced fathers and mothers are less likely to have high-quality relationships with their children. Children with divorced or unmarried parents are more likely to be poor, while married couples on average build more wealth than those who are not married, even accounting for the observation that well-off people are more likely to get married. Parental divorce or failure to marry appears to increase children’s risk of failure in school. Such children are less likely to finish high school, complete college, or attain high-status jobs. Infant mortality is higher among children whose parents do not get or stay married, and such children on average have poorer physical health compared to their peers with married parents. Teens from divorced families are more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, get in trouble with the law, and experience a teen pregnancy. Numerous studies also document that children living in homes with unrelated men are at much higher risk of childhood physical or sexual abuse. These studies generally adjust for parental education and income, which means that the negative effects cannot be explained by these demographic factors.[106]

  Just as bad habits are hard to break, so too are injurious cycles once ingrained in a society or family. Once divorce enters a family tree, it establishes a cycle that is near impossible to break. This same paper cited research that concludes a parental divorce increases the chance of a child from that marriage divorcing by at least fifty percent over a child from an intact family! Further, it found that a child of divorce was fifty percent more likely to marry another child of divorce and marriages formed under those circumstances were three times more likely to divorce than marriages of children where both were raised in intact families.[107]

  A separate and informative eight-decade long study found that parental divorce actually shortened the lifespans of the effected children: “Children from divorced families died almost five years earlier on average than children from intact families. Parental divorce, not parental death, was the risk factor. In fact, parental divorce during childhood was the single strongest social predictor (emphasis mine) of early death, many years into the future.”[108] When a woman tells you she’s divorcing her husband “for the good of the children,” it’s good and proper to treat her claim with deep skepticism.

  Ponder these statistics. Understand them. Let them guide you and choose carefully whom you marry. I’m not suggesting that you not consider marrying a woman from a broken home without due regard for other items of importance (after all, her parent’s divorce wasn’t her fault); however, do so knowing that her parent’s divorce will impact you and your marriage in significant ways. Detached observation, pattern matching, prayerful inquiry, seeking trusted outside counsel, and thoughtful analysis provide the intelligent man tools with which to make good decisions. Ignore them at your peril. Never forget that you are under no obligation to marry until you’re married. Yes, that’s a simple statement, but do not laugh. Men have been “forced” into marriage through threats of suicide. Live free!

  Finally, as you ponder a marital decision with a mind addled and impaired by sexual desire, keep in mind that your ex-wife won’t be having sexual relations with you and, as a Christian, your options for sex without sin will be gone along with your kids, half your wealth, and a sizable portion of your future earnings. If you marry, marry well.

  Sexual Market Value

  But judgments of value are necessarily always personal and subjective.[109]

  — Ludwig von Mises

  At its root economics is simply a study in human action so it should not be surprising when its findings are widely applicable in areas normally considered as outside of pure economic analysis. The law of supply and demand is a simple and extremely useful example. In an unfettered economy, the economic law of supply and demand states that a product’s price will adjust until the supply meets the demand, that price known as the market clearing price. It then logically holds that as supply increases in relation to demand, the market clearing price will decrease. Conversely, as demand increases relative to supply, the market clearing price will rise. In the simple graph below, the market clearing price is five dollars. An understanding of this straightforward economic law will provide the perceptive man insights into many areas of life.

  Within the socio-sexual marketplace, men and women assign values to each person as well, a value that could be considered as a sexual market value, or SMV for short. Think of SMV as a price, one that is negotiated between a potential buyer and a potential seller and is firmly established upon an agreement to sell (or rent, as the case may be.) A person’s SMV is always determined by the opposite sex and is a composite of all the factors that would increase or decrease a person’s sexual attractiveness. Just as with any product, how the various factors are considered and weighed will vary from person to person, for value is always subjective. Think of your SMV as money in your pocket. To a woman considering marriage, your SMV in her eyes must be sufficient for the “purchase” or her answer will be no. SMV is subject to change and the thinking man will endeavor to maximize and maintain his SMV over time, both before and after the marriage vows are made.

  Just like the price of a Ferrari or a bushel of wheat, the SMV price calculation is subjective, near infinitely complex, and is notably affected by supply and demand. For example, if you were to visit the Missouri Institute of Science and Technology in Rolla, a quality engineering school located in a relatively isolated town with a student body comprised of four men to every woman, you would see the law of supply and demand in action. Demand for women far outstrips supply, and you’ll routinely find high SMV men attached to women with a much lower SMV. I certainly wouldn’t want to raise a rebellious daughter in Rolla, being female
there roughly the equivalent of being water to a man dying of thirst. Applying the law of supply and demand to his situation, the observant male Rolla student might consider moving to Tuscaloosa upon his graduation.

  A woman’s physical beauty, the primary determinant of her SMV, is at its peak from the age of seventeen to about twenty-five and begins to wane rapidly after the age of thirty-five. A woman’s fertility peak coincides almost perfectly with her peak SMV. (Funny how that works.) The chart below plots a hypothetical high value woman’s SMV (we shall name her Cheerleader) against the average woman’s fertility over that same time period, as measured by the probability of conception with regular unprotected sexual activity.[110] A woman aged twenty to twenty-four has an eighty-six percent probability of conceiving over time. Ten years later that same woman has a sixty-three percent chance of conceiving and ten years after that only a thirty-six percent probability of conceiving. A woman aged forty-five to forty-nine has only a one in twenty chance of conceiving a child. If you want a large family, marry a young woman.

  Think of the difference in female and male SMV like this: An eighteen-year-old woman is like a shiny new car, beautiful, but destined to depreciate based upon the years, how well it’s maintained, and how hard it’s driven. Wrecking the car severely reduces its value instantaneously. The eighteen-year-old man is more akin to a vintage ‘Cuda, complete, original, but stored in a barn and in poor condition. The barn-find ‘Cuda has some standing value which varies depending upon several factors: the engine with which it’s equipped (gotta go with the Hemi), if it’s original, if it’s numbers matching, if it comes with the original build sheet, and other options with which it’s equipped. But its true value lies in its potential which will require a lot of time, effort, and energy to bring to concours condition. When it comes to SMV, women are born more than made and men are made more than born.